Some Do Not Like It Hot

By Squigsquasher

Well, this is my first Evangelion fanfiction. This is the first chapter, expect more to come.

Chapter 1: "Well That was Unexpected"

"What the hell is an Angel doing attacking this time in the evening anyway!?" whined Asuka as she adjusted the fit of her hastily donned plugsuit. "Can't this bastard have the decency to attack us at midday like every other Angel?"

She did not like being interrupted in the evenings. Especially not when it meant losing out on the chance to beat Shinji's high score at Sakura Wars. She was grumpy enough as it was, having spent the morning nearly drowning under yet another tonne of love letters from the slack-jawed yokels she shared the classroom with. Just the thought of it made her angry.

"No, Asuka, it cannot. For the last time, the Angels pay about as much attention to human conveniences and rituals as I pay to the "No Smoking" sign in the office." Ritsuko sighed, rolling her eyes and taking a swig of coffee. She took a long gulp of the steaming brown liquid before bringing the mug down upon the table with a clank.

Asuka simply mumbled something under her breath as she finally got the last uncomfortable fold out of her plugsuit. She couldn't think of a response, and right now she was too damned tired. She just wanted the battle to be over quickly so she could go to bed and get back to her pleasant dreams involving Kaji, a Ferrari and a bottle of chocolate syrup.

Shinji finally emerged from the changing rooms, having obviously spent a lot more time making sure his plusuit was properly aligned. "...Umm, so, anything we ought to know about the Angel?" He asked innocently.

Rei then exited the changing room, and silently stood next to Shinji.

Ritsuko glided her hand over the keyboard and brought up a satellite image of the approaching Angel. She picked up a conveniently placed baton and gestured to the image.

"This is the Angel, designated Azrael." she intoned, pointing to an image of the beast floating ponderously through the outer defence network. "It is approximately 40 foot tall, with a 55 foot diameter and several appendages of varying size."

The image was grainy, and it was difficult to make out the form of the monster, but it seemed to resemble a giant jellyfish with long scissor-tipped tentacles and a bird-skull-like face. It was truly massive, dwarfing the defence columns surrounding it. It certainly didn't look like a pushover either way.

"The Angel appeared approximately 20 minutes previously, seemingly out of nowhere." the blonde head scientist continued. "It has since been slowly approaching Tokyo-3 and is expected to reach the main city in 4 hours if it is not opposed."

Rei finally broke her silence. "Do you have any information regarding combat capability?"

"Well, not a lot. As per normal it seems to be completely impervious to conventional weaponry, to the point where it cannot even be slowed down. To make matters worse, its limbs cut straight through the defence columns like they were made from cardboard."

Ritsuko put down the baton and took another gulp of coffee. The screen flicked to some images of the destruction it had caused, the defence columns and turrets lying in chunks of concrete.

Shinji was feeling extremely uneasy. This particular Angel looked exceptionally menacing, and by the looks of what it had done to the automatic defences...It didn't bear thinking about what it could do to him. He had been looking forward to a nice bath and a good long sleep; instead he was going on a mission in that damnable machine, no doubt with Asuka shouting at him and Rei making totally irrelevant interjections relating to cheese.

"Oh dear...Erm, so, is there any kind of plan on how we're going to fight this thing?" he mumbled.

Ritsuko beckoned to Misato, who broke off from her conversation with Shigeru Aoba and walked to the main computer terminal.

"Well, I've come up with a hasty battle plan, which should probably work. Probably." said Misato, not sounding totally professional. "Saying that, I did have a hangover this morning..."

This did not engender confidence in anyone. The last time Misato had made a plan following a hangover, she had nearly burnt down her own apartment.

Shinji and Asuka both made mental notes to dissuade her from ever doing a barbecue again.

"Anyway..." chuckled Misato, grinning cheesily "I've come up with a plan that uses the strengths of each of you to complement each other to hopefully create a plan greater than the sum of its parts."

She pointed to Shinji.

"Shinji, your job is to distract Azrael and draw him into this valley." she said, pointing with her other hand to the map that was now on the screen. "You're good at running away, and you're good at getting attention, so you'll be perfect for the job."

The boy slumped a little. "Thanks. I needed that..."

"Asuka," she continued "You will be waiting to ambush Azrael when Shinji lures it into the valley. You will engage it and attempt to destroy its A.T. Field. We've equipped Unit 02 with the new Progressive Sword, so it should be easy."

Asuka sneered indignantly. "Hah! Of course it will! This puny monster is no match for the mighty Asuka! It shall fall before my mighty blade as I-"

"As for you, Rei, you will be stationed in Unit 00 with a sniper rifle to destroy the Angel from afar once Asuka has lowered its A.T. field, on this plateau here. Wait until it's in line of sight, then as soon as the field falls, take a shot." Misato concluded, cutting Asuka off mid-speech.

"Certainly. Consider it done." said Rei in her usual monotone. Inside her head, however, she was preoccupied with thoughts of gerbils, liquid soap, and the huge satisfaction of seeing Asuka cut off mid-speech. Though her face did not betray it, she was feeling extremely smug.

"They'll be support towers nearby, so you shouldn't have to worry about running out of power." cut in Ritsuko. "If you have problems, just retreat to the nearest tower."

"Now, there's no time to waste!" exclaimed Misato chirpily "Get to the launch bay immediately!"

Shinji clambered into the entry plug, closing the hatch behind him and wriggling into the seat. No sooner had he got relatively comfortable than the entry plug slid into the socket in Unit 01's spine, jolting forwards and then coming to a stop with a clunk.

As the LCL began to pour into the plug, Shinji restrained the urge to hold his breath and simply let the revolting fluid fill his airways. It tasted absolutely disgusting, but he had gotten used to it by now. It didn't seem to taste as bad as normal, though. Whilst for the most part it still tasted like a mixture of blood and batteries, there was a fruity hint in it, almost reminding him of...grapefruit.

The internal monitors activated, and Shinji felt the synchronization process beginning. Slowly, he felt the clamps securing the Eva in place as though they were attached to his own limbs, and the weight of the pylons pressing down on his shoulders.

"OK, are you guys ready?" came Misato's ever cheery voice down the intercom.

"Ready." he replied meekly.

"Ready!" came Asuka's confident voice down the comm.

"Affirmative." Rei droned.

"Excellent! 3...2...1...LAUNCH!"

With a burst of sparks, Units 01, 02 and 00 were catapulted upwards through the complex network of elevator shafts, hurtling towards the surface.

Ritsuko sat back in her chair, taking a drag from her cigarette.

"Well, here's to hoping this plan doesn't go the same way as the indoor barbecue." she chortled, blowing a smoke ring.

Misato smiled, and sat next to her old colleague. "Oh, shut up. It still went better than the barbecue we tried doing in college all those years ago. And that was outdoors!"

Ritsuko couldn't help but grin.

"Ah, those were the days. Damn I'd love to go back to those days...So little work, so little stress..."

She took another drag from the cigarette.

"Speaking of which, I wonder how my idea of mixing grapefruit Kool-Aid with the LCL is going to turn out..."

Though neither of them knew it, they were soon going to be having much bigger problems on their hands than the pilot's reactions to LCL mixed with cheap instant juice. Much, much bigger problems.

"OK! Let's roll out!" shouted Asuka enthusiastically, pointing towards the target valley.

Whilst it was nice to hear Asuka genuinely happy, Shinji couldn't help but get a bit tired of the redheaded half-German thinking she was Optimus Prime.

"Umm...OK. I''l go on ahead and try and find the Angel. You two get to wherever you need to be and wait." responded Shinji. He was trying to sound confident and assertive, but he knew it wasn't working.

As he predicted, an angry retort came down the line. "Hey! Who said you were in charge of this operation? Don't you start ordering me, the mighty Asuka, around!"

"I wasn't..." mumbled Shinji "I was just making a suggestion..."

"Well, don't!" snapped the fiery redhead. "Nobody asked you for your opinion, so-"

"Please, there is no need to get so angry" intoned Rei, her voice taking on a soothing quality. "Besides, why do you feel you are qualified to make all the decisions, pilot Soryhu?"

"BECAUSE I'M IN THE RED ONE!" screeched the ginger devil, flapping about and stamping her foot for emphasis, causing the buildings to shake and creating yet more work for the road repair crew. "I mean...Because I'm the best trained and have the most experience! Now get on with it and...umm...do what he said!"

"Ahem. Do you mind getting on with the mission?" came Maya's voice down the intercom, howls of laughter in the background.

Asuka blushed a little over the video link, shrinking into the seat.

"...Sorry..." she sighed.

Maya giggled a little. "Excellent. Now, just head off to your designated spots and we should have this all over in time for me to propose to Senp-I mean, umm, have dinner."

"Affirmative." replied Rei. Her blue-armoured giant disconnected from its cable and slowly lurched forwards, before picking up speed and bounding off.

She elegantly sped her way over the mountainous terrain, leaping over trees and keeping perfect balance as she made her way to the look-out point.

Though the path was treacherous and the terrain rough, it was no match for the sheer power and unearthly grace of Unit 00. Rei casually jumped over a river in her path, before heading upwards towards her destination.

Nearly at the summit of the plateau, she slowed down and began to scale the side of the natural edifice, digging Unit 00's fists into the rock, hauling the massive bulk of the machine up the incline, before grasping the edge of the cliff and heaving her way onto the top.

She stopped to breathe for a second, before slamming the enormous button on the side of the waiting support tower, the side of the concrete and metal construct sliding open. She connected a new power cable, removed the sniper rifle from the compartment, crouched down, fixed her sights on the valley below, and waited.

"That was remarkably easy." Rei thought to herself. "Although I am feeling a curious desire for cheese..."

"I have reached my designated position." Rei announced down the intercom. "Pilot Soryhu, I believe it is your turn to do the same."

Asuka resisted the temptation to hurl abuse down the line at the blue-haired doll. As much as she wanted to rip a strip off the freakishly pale girl for daring to give her, the mighty Asuka Langley Soryhu, an order, she was worried that Shinji would have a hissyfit and leap to her defence, or that Rei would begin another of her long, extremely irritating pedantic witters about how she was simply suggesting the course of action and how she had no wish to upset her and how if she was ordered she would...Ooh, it was too much just to think about.

"Understood, Wondergirl. I'm on my way!" she replied, hiding her irritation behind her usual cavalier demeanor.

"My name is not Wondergirl. It is Rei Ayanami."

"Whatever."

The umbilical cable attached to Unit 02's back detached with a hiss, rockets firing just before it hit the ground to prevent damage. Almost immediately, the red behemoth leapt forwards and darted off down the valley.

"Stupid Wondergirl, ordering me around!" Asuka thought to herself as she thundered down the valley. "Who does she think she is?"

She did not like Rei one little bit. The albino was far too quiet, almost doll-like in her demeanour. And Asuka hated dolls. She always did exactly what she was told, and never thought for herself. Asuka got the feeling that the First Child would throw herself into a threshing machine if the commander told her.

And yet, for all her mindless obedience, she was always arguing with her! Every time she asked the blue-mopped robot anything, she got the same damn responses. "No, Asuka." "I don't know." "If I'm ordered to, I will." "What is "like"?" "Yes, Asuka." "I don't understand."...Rei didn't even have the will to properly argue with her. She just droned the same pre-programmed responses, completely indifferent to the conversation, or just contradicted her. Ask her opinion, it was "I don't know." Ask her if she wanted to do something, it was "If I'm ordered to, I will." Argh!

…And then, there were the other times.

As likely as Rei was to be completely blank and emotionless, there were occasions where she'd become...odd. She'd randomly start thinking or talking about the strangest things, ranging from microwave ovens to chickens to Salvador Dali to differential calculus. She'd begin staring into space. She'd balance objects on her head. She'd try to eat things that were not meant to be eaten. And all in her infuriating monotone, always sounding about as lively as a breeze-block. Sometimes, she acted flat-out perverted...

Worst of all, was her obsession with Shinji. She showed practically no interest in anyone except the commander and the stupid pervert. She never said anything much to Misato, and barely acknowledged that Asuka was there at all, but Shinji...Why on Earth would she be so attached to the little wimp? He had all the manliness and vitality of an anaemic bush baby! He probably dreamt of-

*CLANG!*

Asuka was interrupted mid-thought when her Evangelion collided with something big and solid. The mighty engine of war staggered backwards, reeling from the impact, and just about managed to stay on its feet.

"Argh...My head...What was-" she began, before seeing what it was she had hit.

Before her was floating an absolutely colossal organism, resembling a horrific mockery of a jellyfish. Its main body was a bell shape, made of multiple layers of delicately pulsing flesh, mostly black with pink and green patterns criss-crossing them. It looked almost like an enormous poofy dress. From underneath the bell snaked long black tentacles, tipped with either needle-like stingers or huge scissor claws. At the centre of its underside, surrounded by a cluster of green tentacles, was a pulsing red core.

Most terrifying of all, however, was its face. The creature had what looked like a bird's skull for a face, looking as though it was nothing more than a mask. It had 3 asymmetrically arranged eye sockets, each of which contained nothing more than a black void. The beak was split down the middle like a fountain pen, and the whole thing was a bleached white. The whole grotesque thing was worn upon a lump of flesh that Asuka assumed was its head.

"Mein Gott..."

This was Azrael.

Panicking, Asuka immediately activated the intercom. "Wimp! Wondergirl! I have located the Angel! I require assistance!" she barked down the microphone.

"Hang on, this wasn't the plan!" replied a very worried Shinji. "I thought-"

"Never mind what you thought, come and help me!" Asuka shouted. "Wondergirl, can you get a visual on me?"

"Hang on." responded Rei, as patiently as ever. "I think I can see you, it's difficult in the darkness..."

"Right! Now, Shinji, help me! Before he-

Asuka was once again cut off mid-sentence as the Angel swung its appendage and slammed Unit 02 aside like a cheap ornament. The crimson behemoth was sent flying, crashing into the side of the valley in a shower of earth.

"Owwwww..." moaned Asuka as she recovered from the hit. "That hurt..."

Then her fear rose as the monstrous abomination that had so casually knocked her down turned towards her, scissors clacking. It drifted closer, fibrous tendrils waving, its eyeless gaze fixed upon her.

"Someone! Please, HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLP!" she screamed.

Shinji hastily ran towards Unit 02's position on the map, seeing the gargantuan Angel rounding on Asuka. He steeled himself as he neared the monster.

"Hey! You! Get away from her!" he shouted from the external speakers, beckoning to the Angel.

Slowly, but surely, the massive organism turned to face him, skull-like mask utterly devoid of expression.

Shinji suddenly felt a lot less confident about the whole "rescue" thing.

"Umm...We can talk about this..." he chuckled sheepishly.

Unfortunately, the Angel was evidently not in the talking mood, and lashed out with a scissor tipped tentacle. Shinji leapt out of the path of the limb, the claw whistling past him.

Azrael floated closer to him, and sent out yet more tentacles, each one just missing Unit 01 and embedding itself in the hillside, before retracting and launching again. Shinji continued to dodge the razor-sharp weapons until a needle tentacle hit his Eva square in the stomach, smashing him against the side of the valley.

Shinji writhed and screamed in pain as he felt the organic metal needle pierce through Unit 01. It was absolutely agonizing, one of the worst pains he had ever experienced.

To make matters worse, the Angel's eye sockets began to glow with a bright orange light. It stared straight at Unit 01, the light growing.

"This is it; I'm going to die..." Shinji thought to himself. He closed his eyes, waiting for oblivion.

However, before the Angel could vapourize him, it roared in pain and threw its head back, a blast of energy surging from its eye sockets and annihilating the section of mountain just above Shinji. Embedded in its back was Asuka's Progressive Sword, in the grip of a furious Unit 02.

"Eat metal, you tentacled bastard!" bellowed Asuka, twisting the sword and drawing another scream from Azrael. The Angel flailed widly, taking chunks out of the surrounding valley but failing to dislodge the crimson titan hacking away at its body.

Shinji pulled the offending needle from Unit 01's body, and stood back up. "Asuka! You saved my life! I-"

His relief was cut short when Unit 00 crashed into him in a torrent of rock and earth, knocking him back over in a sprawl of limbs.

"Argh...My apologies, Ikari-kun. Azrael's energy weapon destroyed my vantage point and sent me tumbling down here...Are you alright?" Rei said, recovering from the impact.

"Gah...I think so...Ooh, my head..." replied Shinji.

Suddenly Unit 02 was thrown clear of the Angel, tossed aside by its furious flailing. The Angel, now wounded and bleeding profusely, started to rise into the air, a glowing aura surrounding it. Then, with a blinding flash of light and a sound that suspiciously resembled Muttley's sniggering from pre-Impact cartoons, the Angel disappeared.

Rei, Shinji and Asuka each felt a sensation as though they were boiling in their cockpits, and then everything went black.

Shinji awoke with bleary eyes in a hospital bed. "Well, looks like it's business as usual then." the scrawny boy thought to himself. He was aching all over, utterly exhausted and breathing heavily. But amid the normal discomfort, something felt...different.

He opened his eyes further and sat up. To his surprise, his vision was partially obscured by a short curtain of hair. He looked around, and saw Ritsuko standing over him, looking very worried.

"Shinji-kun? Can you hear me?" she said anxiously.

Shinji nodded. "Yes, I can-hang on, what's happened to my voice?"

His speech had become a lot more high pitched and even more gentle than normal. It was still recognizably Shinji, but it sounded...different. Something was not right here.

The blonde-haired scientist sighed. "Well, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that you, Rei and Asuka all survived without any major injuries."

She paused, her shoulders slumping.

"The bad new...Well, look under your covers..."

He did as he instructed, and was absolutely shocked by what he saw. His body was a completely different shape, with wider hips and a narrower waist. His chest seemed to be home to a pair of swellings, almost resembling...Oh no.

He checked between his legs, and was horrified to find that a certain special something was now missing. Her gently touched the area where it should have been, but stopped when a surge of sensation swept through his body.

He turned to Ritsuko, tears in his eyes. "Please...Please tell me this is a sick joke..."

The bottle blonde shook her head. "I wish it was too, I really do. We really don't know how it happened. One minute everything was normal, and then the Angel just disappeared and, well..."

She passed Shinji a mirror.

He took the mirror, and nearly dropped it when he saw his reflection.

His hair was now a lot longer, hanging in a short untidy bob. His face had become much rounder, his eyes bigger, and his lips more distinct. His Adam's Apple was gone.

He started to hyperventilate as the horrible truth now dawned.

"He" was now a she.

She began to sob. She tried to hold it in, but it was no use. She slumped over, and cried and cried and cried.

She felt a hand on her shoulder, and saw it belonged to Ritsuko.

"It's OK. You'll be in a state of shock for a while. We're looking to see if we can reverse it, but for now you're going to have to adapt a little."

Shinji began to cry a little less, facing Ritsuko. Then, something popped into her head.

"Wait, if this happened to me, and Rei and Asuka were right next to the Angel as well, then..."

Suddenly, he heard a spine-tingling howl of fury and a violent crash, followed by German swearing and calls for sedative.

"Ah welll" Shinji thought to herself . "At least I'm not the only one going through this crap..."

***TO BE CONTINUED***

Author's Notes:

Yes, that's right: it's a genderflip fic. I decided to have the first part focus entirely on the events that caused the...ahem...transformation to avoid jumping straight to the meat of the story and to give a little setup time. The next chapter will begin the descent into silliness.

Thank you for reading this, comments are of course appreciated!

UPDATE: Fixed minor spelling/grammar mistakes.