A/N: Thanks to all that take the time out to read the madness that resides in my head on a daily.

Enjoy Chapter 19.

*Bella's POV*

I hadn't slept since Jacob had walked out.

That was three days ago.

Him being here had helped take away some of the sheer loneliness that I was feeling more and more each day.

I didn't understand any of this. Between the craziness that was going on with me, to the hot and cold flip flop of emotions from Jake, my head was a jumbled and chaotic mess.

Sue had come in a few times, checking to see if I was okay and trying to get me to eat, but I couldn't get my body to do anything but sit by the window and stare blankly out it. It was like I had reached an emotional breaking point and I was shutting down.

Of course we know I had been down this road before.

This of course worried the hell out of Charlie but thank the heavens for Sue, who convinced him that at the moment I didn't need to be hovered around. That I just needed time.

Even though I knew it wasn't going to happen, there was only one person that could have helped me get out of my own head.

And he hadn't called. He didn't even stop by. I was truly starting to believe that he absolutely didn't want to have anything to do with me.

Seth did come by though. He didn't say much, he just sat on the bed, with me snuggled into his side and his hand gently moving through my hair. His body heat was so relaxing that before I could fight it any longer, I was drifting off into slumber. I felt him place a kiss to my temple right before I entered into oblivion. I think he knew exactly what he was doing.

I thanked the heavens for him.

It was just enough to keep me from slipping back into that dark abyss that I had vowed I wouldn't step foot into again.

When I woke again, Seth was gone but his older sibling was sitting in his place. Her eyes washed over me with concern.

"Are you okay"? Leah asked, reaching out to move some hair out of my face. I jerked out of her reach and turned on my other side, my back towards her.

"Why do you care"? I said.

I really wasn't up for this yet. I heard Leah give a sigh and felt her weight leaving the bed. I didn't turn around to see if she had left but I didn't need to. She was suddenly in my eye sight, kneeling in front of me. I tried to turn away from her again but she stopped me with a warm hand on my arm.

"Bella Please, can we talk"? She asked, her chocolate eyes, eyes so much like Jake's, pleading with mine.

I sat up slowly, shoving long hair roughly behind my ears. Leah stood too and moved away but only so she could sit in the chair across from me. We were both silent for a second. Neither of us knowing even where to begin.

"Why Leah"? I asked quietly. If she was here, then she already knew what I was referring too. There was no need for me to elaborate.

When she didn't answer me right away, I took a peek at her and was surprised to find my strong-willed, take no shit friend with tears in her eyes. I don't think I ever saw her cry like…. never ever. When she looked up to meet my stare, they fell, one tear after the next.

"I imprinted Bella". She said, her voice quivering.

I sat there with my mouth open. Leah hated imprinting. Everyone knew it. Imprinting is what took the only man she ever loved away from her. It severed a bond in the relationship of two cousins. As angry as I was with Leah, curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to know more. Before I worked up the nerve however, to form this question, she cut me off.

"It's one half of the reason why I did what I did". Leah said, wiping her face with the back of her hand. "But that's still no excuse for it". I frowned at her.

"You're goddamn right it isn't". I shook my head a bit, half laughing, half wanting to cry. "I still can't believe you two did…." I couldn't finish.

Leah shook her head quickly. "Listen to me Bella, you know me better than that. You know I have never made an excuse for acting like a hoe, but I need you to understand some things".

She chuckled, standing from her seat.

"It's funny I'm asking you to try and understand the same shit I refused too for years". Leah laughed again, talking more to herself than she was to me. I just sat watching her.

"I'm very observant ya know". She said quietly. "So I noticed just how much these boys changed when I popped up into their little hairy boy band. They all tried to act like nothing was different but it so was".

She turned towards me, her eyes to the ground. "I had never been ashamed of my body, I was built like my mama, long legs, very proportionate and I loved my booty".

I giggled and when I met her eye, she gave me a wink but then she frowned.

"I never really thought any less of myself until I became Pack and I had to be inside Sam's head on a constant basis, hearing his fucking thoughts about how gorgeous his Emily was, how he liked it when she wore her hair a certain way or how he liked the way her hips would sway when she wore a sundress".

Leah bit her lip, her eyes shimmering again with emotion. "I had to hear this almost every day from a man I was once planning to marry. A man who still held a very large piece of my heart and who didn't even give me a second glance outside of pack business".

Leah walked towards me and flopped down on the bed, her body bouncing once. She rested her hands behind her head, her eyes staring at the ceiling.

"I started doing things then that I hadn't always done". She spoke. "Normally, because I knew it made them all uncomfortable, I would phase out of sight but then I stopped. I would phase without a thought, sometimes not even bothering with my pouch at all".

I leaned back against the headboard, Leah's head now at my hip.

"The thoughts came soon after". She said a slight smile on her face. "When any of them thought about me, it was either with annoyance, weariness, some wishing I wasn't here, most saying I was just a bitter bitch, but then I caught Quil thinking I had a pretty nice ass and it went on from there".

She was smiling now. "They all suck at hiding their thoughts, every one of them but I started feeling better, like I hadn't lost everything that made me feel feminine. I'm pretty sure I had been in a couple wet dreams and instead of bitching at them about it, I let them have their fun".

Leah turned over on her stomach, her face resting in her hands, her elbows digging into the mattress.

"Sam slipped too". She said. "I caught him thinking about this time when we were in the back of his mom's old Chevy, we were going heavy and his hand was moving down into my jeans". She shook her head a bit.

I cleared my throat, trying to get my voice working. "He actually let you see that much".

Leah shook her head. "Of course not, he shut his mind off completely after that once he realized he had slipped. The night he was thinking about was the night I lost my virginity to him".

I gasped. "You never told me that". Leah shrugged.

"It didn't matter, four days after that he went missing, a week later he injured Emily and we all know how that panned out from there".

She sighed, closing her eyes. "I felt so unwanted Bella. Now we all know what really happened and why but even after I first phased, it didn't make it any better, it actually made it a hell of a lot worse. I thought losing Sam was hard but then too lose him AND my father all because I turn into a giant fucking dog, shit just wasn't the hell fair".

"I wouldn't actually call myself bitter, I don't technically have a word for what I was feeling but being "bitter" just doesn't quite get it, but who wouldn't be honestly and to me imprinting was just another way our ancestors made sure we absolutely stayed tied in to this whirlpool of mystical or mythical beings or what the hell ever you want to call this shit".

I stared at her, my arms still folded over my chest. "You're still only telling me things I kind of already know Leah, we have had this similar talk before".

Leah turned her head to meet my eye, a frown on her pretty face.

"Did you know that Jacob wanted to fight Sam so he could run the pack"? She asked and I shook my head.

"Yeah it was right before you went away to school. Jacob had been arguing with Sam for days. He just knew that the leeches were going to try and turn you while they were out of our range but Sam said you had made your choice; Jacob wasn't having any of it. He….".

Leah stopped suddenly, like her words were being blocked by an invisible hand I couldn't see. Of course I knew why though. Jacob's order was as strong as it was the day I arrived.

Leah shook her head, her ebony locks falling around her tan shoulders.

"I was so desperate to get out of Sam's head and for him to get out of mine that I decided to be the fuel to Jacob's fire, I kept putting shit in his head, hoping one day that my pushing would be enough to ignite that flame and he would take over what we knew was naturally his".

She laughed. "Of course that shit didn't happen how I wanted it too but eventually Jake took what he wanted when he wanted but it was at his own pace and by then Sam was already ready to step down, well somewhat that fight between the those two was still vicious as fuck, and Jake was already broken in pieces from losing…...".

Her words were cut short again. Her eyes stared into mine like she was trying to find a way for me to understand. I did though. I already knew what she was going to say.

He was broken because I had left.

My arms wrapped themselves around my waist. Leah got up and leaned against the headboard, sitting next to me, her knees against her chest.

"Bells, I know that you know Jake was hurt when you left". She spoke quietly. "And I want you to know we all get why you left, we do, Jake does too in a way".

I looked over at her, surprised by her words. But also very confused.

"If he gets it then why was he….is he still so angry with me"? I asked. Leah smiled a little.

"I wish I could answer that". She said softly. "I really do but if it's one thing I could tell you, it's that Jacob always wanted to give you a choice. And if that meant you leaving and him never being able to see you again, as long as you were happy he wasn't going to stand in the way of that".

I bit my lower lip gently. Constantly being reminded of how selfish I was when I was a teenager was not something I wanted to re-live but it was a chapter I had written and it was a part of who I was. I had promised myself once I separated from the Cullen's that I would never go back and dwell on the things that happened in my past. The only thing I wanted to continue to do was evolve. And to never be that selfish little girl I once was.

Jacob wanted me to choose him. He wanted me to figure it out for myself that I loved the entire shit out of him.

I knew I did. I been knew.

I knew the moment he almost kissed me in my dad's kitchen after Edward had left. He pulled me back from the edge of something very dark and deep. I had loved Jacob Black the moment I started to smile again.

But he scared me, scared me to death.

Everything about him was so intense and so sure that I couldn't believe someone like that would want to be with someone as weak as I was. Jake was so patient. Leaving no room or any doubt for me to question how he felt, but never pushing me too much. Always leaving room for me to realize what he was always trying to get me to see.

That it would be as easy as breathing.

"I don't love Jacob in that way Bella". Leah said, her voice snapping me out of my own head. I turned to look at her and she was staring right back at me.

"Don't misunderstand me". She said. She must have interpreted the expression on my face. "I love Jake, but I love him as my leader, as my brother, as my friend".

I didn't respond. I was trying to force down the white hot jealousy that was starting to flow through me. At one time, Jacob was my friend too.

Leah sighed, her eyes now staring off somewhere in the distance. "We are two total opposites but somehow we understand each other like none of the others do. I was the bitter ex-girlfriend of their previous Alpha and Jacob was an unstable force of nature that no one wanted to be in the path of. Without meaning too they isolated us and in doing so, they made us close".

I got up then, turning my back on her, really not wanting to hear anymore. I had absolutely no right to be upset about whoever Jacob decided to get into bed with, we weren't together, but Leah knew my secrets she knew everything. I was completely open with her but she couldn't even be open with me.

I stood at the window, my arms folded tightly around across my chest, trying to swallow this white emotion that was slowing starting to boil inside.

What I and Jacob had done that night at the bonfire wasn't ideal but that raw emotion was something I knew he didn't let anyone else in on. I don't know how I know, I just felt it.

Maybe I was looking for some kind of revenge, some kind of validation because what I blurted out next completely surprised me.

"I let him fuck me against Sam and Emily's house that night at the bonfire"!

Of course though this obnoxious declaration didn't bother nor seemed to surprise Leah at all.

"I know". I heard her say softly.

I was still staring out the window. I snorted. "Should've guessed, you guys are like butt buddies now".

I heard rustling of the sheets of the bed and not to long after I felt the natural heat against my back that I knew only came from the wolves. I felt Leah's hands come up to gently wrap around each arm of mine. Against what I was feeling, I allowed her to turn me around to face her, but I kept my eyes on the ground, focusing instead on her brown feet. Of course they were bare but like everything else on Leah, they were perfect.

"Bells, you can be mad at me for however long you want". Leah said her voice soft. "And I will take it on the chin, I promise you I will". I heard her sigh, my eyes still on the ground. "But no matter how long you stay mad at me, I will never stop being there for you or being your friend. What we did, I can't take it back and the only reason I would is because it hurts you so much".

Finally I brought my eyes up to lock with Leah's and she was biting her lip. The rest of my emotions completely drained away from me. As much as I wanted to be mad at her, as much as I wanted to hate her, I needed my friend more. Leah understood me. And when I didn't have Jake all these years, I had Leah.

I leaned forward a bit and wrapped my arms around her. I felt her shudder and then I felt her own arms wrap around my waist.

"I'm still mad at you". I said gently. She hugged me tighter.

"I know". Leah answered back. "But one of my brothers was hurting, hurting deep and I wanted to help make it stop, it's not an excuse but it was a huge reason why".

I pulled back a little, almost afraid to ask this.

"Is he still hurting as bad Lee"? I couldn't help it, I needed to know and asking the source would get me nowhere.

Leah gave me a small smile, tucking some of my hair behind my ear.

"Yeah he is". She said and my heart sunk. "But now that pain is self-inflicting".

I didn't ask anything else and Leah didn't offer anything else. Eventually I had to lie back down because my head was starting to pound. Leah stayed, lying down next to me, her fingers playing in my hair, our minds completely outside of the room. After a while, my eyes fluttered shut and fell into a much needed slumber.

I awoke some time later and Leah was gone and it was completely dark outside. I rolled over and searched for the clock.

3:30am!

I groaned and stretched, sitting up and running a hand through my hair. I felt physically and emotionally drained and now I was completely awake. I got out of the bed in almost a daze, my feet taking me out my room and into the hallway. I could hear my dad's snoring so as quietly as I could I made my way downstairs and into the kitchen.

The linoleum floor was cool underneath my bare feet as I made my way over to the sink to grab a glass. I filled it halfway with some water from the faucet. I didn't finish it all and tossed the rest back down the drain.

I wasn't really hungry so I bypassed the fridge but I was super restless and anxious now and I couldn't understand why. Instead of going back upstairs where all I was going to do was stare off into space, I opened up the back door and stepped out onto the porch.

The night air was crisp and being that I was only wearing a thin tank and some yoga pants it wasn't long before the chill invaded the little bit of body heat I had left. But it allowed me to focus on something, anything.

I leaned against the railing, staring briefly out into the yard for a second before looking down at the blue nail polish on my toes. I wondered if Leah was on patrol now. I wanted to talk more about…well about anything. The more I talked the less time I had to think. I wondered if Embry was ok. I hadn't seen him since that night he showed up bloody in Sue's kitchen. Did he and Jake patch things up?

Jacob.

There it was. Just thinking his name sent my soul ablaze and had me wishing he was here. Even if I couldn't touch him or get too close, I wanted to take him in. All of him.

I sighed and stood up straight, looking out into the backyard again.

And there he was!

My heart stopped and if I didn't feel my chest begin to rapidly move in and out I would have thought I had stopped breathing completely.

He was of course shirtless but he had on pants but no shoes. His hands were balled into fist and I could see the steam physically rolling off his body in waves. His hair was loose and fell in a shower of black satin against his shoulders. Those onyx eyes pierced through my own and I was frozen. I was surprised I was still standing. I…could…..not….move!

Not even when Jacob was suddenly standing right in front of me.

I gasped, involuntarily taking a step back in surprised. A warm hand was placed on the small of my back and a slight pressure was applied causing the short space I had created to be erased completely and I came in contact with a bare chest.

My senses were invaded with everything that was Jacob. It was too much. My head became all fuzzy. I placed my hands against his skin, trying to focus. The hand that wasn't touching me reached up and took both of mine in its own. His eyes never left mine but now that we were close I noticed that something was very different.

Instead of the normal onyx I was accustomed too, it was amber that was sending me over the edge.

"Jake….what…."? I started but my words got caught in my throat. Jacob shoved a hand into my hair bringing my face to his. He ran his nose across my hairline and down the side of my face, then around my nose, stopping just a brief second at my lips before he moved down my neck where he gave me a soft bite to my collarbone.

He lit me the fuck on FIRE!

With his hand still tangled in my hair he pulled back a little, those haunting amber eyes taking in every detail of my face. I could literally hear my heart pounding in my ears but I didn't care because I was burning. And the only person who could put it out was the one that caused it.

"Jake…. please". I whimpered. If he heard me, he showed no indication that he did, those amber eyes locking with mine again.

He smirked, his eyes moving to my lips. I felt the hand in my hair curl and then he pulled…hard. I gasped, my eyes widening in shock. Jake moved his lips to my exposed neck and left a trail soft, heated kisses until her reached my ear.

"MINE". He growled and I nearly came undone. His hand released my hair and trailed lazily down to my chest, which was heaving.

Without waiting another second, I pushed against him, throwing my arms around his shoulders and crashing my lips into his. In one fluid motion, Jacob had me off my feet, my legs coming up automatically to wrap around his waist.

I couldn't get enough. I wanted to drown in him, wanted his scent to surround me in every aspect that it could. All too soon though I felt myself being placed back on my feet. His lips gave mine a final pull before Jacob stepped away from me. Breathing heavy, I looked up him. His eyes were no longer amber but his normal onyx and they were avoiding mine.

"Bells…I'm sorry... I….". He stuttered, his chocolate voice harsh and deep. "Did I hurt you"?

My mind was a watery and gooey mess. I could still feel his kisses on my neck. I shook my head, answering him. Apparently my voice wasn't working either. Jacob let go a deep sigh and leaned against the railing of the porch, his hands gripping the top so tightly they turned white.

Finally, I was able to get my body to move and I took a step towards him. He stood up straight and moved out of my reach, backing down the porch steps into the yard.

"Don't Bella". Jake said. "I shouldn't have come here".

I wrapped my arms around my frame, pulling my bottom lip in between my teeth.

"Then why did you Jake"? I ask, the high I was on earlier starting to dissipate rapidly. He turned his face up to the sky, his eyes closed but I could see his chest contracting rapidly, almost like he was trying to catch his breath.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay". He said quietly, his eyes finally locking with my own.

I didn't reply instead though I took five huge, quick steps so that I was standing right in front of him. Jake looked like he was going to move away from me but I took on of his hands and leaned up on my tip toes and kissed him again. He tried not to respond but it wasn't long before I felt his fingers wrap around mine and pulled me closer, his arm coming up to wrap around my waist, holding me still.

We stayed that way for one, beautiful succulent minute before he once again took away those honeyed lips I was starting to crave. I watched him step away from me again and this time I didn't follow. Our hands came apart and Jacob shook his head.

"You're killing me Bella". He said, that dark chocolate voice of his wrapping me in warmth.

I shrugged. "I'm sorry". I said…well because trying to construct an coherent sentence right now was not working for me.

"No". Jake said, his eyes burning into mine. "This is me and it won't happen again".

All I wanted to do was wrap him in my arms but I knew that would only push him farther away. I didn't know what he was trying to avoid or for what reason but no matter what he said, I knew it had any and everything to do with me.

Jacob studied me and I felt naked under his gaze. I noticed then that he was taking steps backwards, moving in the direction of the forest behind us. It felt like my body wanted to move with him but my feet stayed in place.

"I'm going now". Jake said and It was almost like I had to fight against myself not to go to him.

"Stay". I said instead. I heard Jake groan softly.

"No Bella". He said but his feet had stopped moving. I had lost my battle with my body and without meaning too I took a step forward.

That did it. Jacob promptly turned around and jogged into the trees, his body not even rustling a leave. I was alone again. I took in a hurried breath and my hand flew up to my chest. It felt like my heart was going to crash right through my rib cage.

I suddenly felt ice cold. I wrapped my arms around myself, looking out into the forest where Jake had just gone, hoping he would come back but knowing that he wouldn't.

"Just come back ok"? I said quietly, not really sure if he was out there or not to hear me.

I made my way back across the grass, up the stairs and into the house, hoping to get some sleep. But every time I closed my eyes, I saw and felt Jacob.

I was going to be up for the rest of the night. But a part of me didn't mind at all because I wanted to be ready if the wolf showed up again.

A/N: I'm sorry this took so long. I thank you all for still being here. I hope you enjoyed and like always please tell me what you think. Until Next time…MN.