Welcome to my first Supernatural fic! This takes place immediately after the events of Sacrifice, because I want to know what happened with Cas! The name was taken from the song The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson, which is amazing, I might add.

Pairing: Dean/Cas

Spoilers through Sacrifice, obviously.

Please enjoy!

The world was lit up all around him in flames, the glowing pain of his falling brothers and sisters. Castiel could feel every burning wing like a knife through his own grace. No, not his grace. Not anymore.

It was a scene humans might describe as beautiful, but Castiel just felt like the world was melting and it was all his fault. His fault for trusting Metatron. His fault for ever going against Dean. His fault. In front of him a single feather floated down, the ends turning to bits of ash. Castiel couldn't even tell what color it used to be. He let it fall to the forest floor without even following its decent with his eyes.

When the last streak of bright orange fell to the ground, the darkness that was left behind was deafening. It was this total and complete silence that finally broke over Castiel like a wave and he fell down to his knees. He wasn't even conscious of the change, wasn't aware of the dark leaves starting to wet through Jimmy's pants. He wasn't aware of the fact that he could actually feel cold now. He just put his entire weight on his knees and looked at the black, empty expanse of the sky.

A hollow sound drifted its way across the trees from somewhere. It didn't even reach Castiel's ears. But the sound continued at varying intervals, slowly but surely growing louder. If anyone else had been nearby, they would have heard a deep voice, calling loud enough to injure vocal chords, yelling a name.

"Cas!" the name had broken through the silence, but Castiel was indifferent to it. He was dead to the world. He couldn't feel the minds of the other angels anywhere, and it deeply disturbed him. Even feeling their pain, their similar body-breaking despair, would have been better than this horrific silence. The silence was destroying him from every direction.

"Cas!" the voice was even louder now, and twigs could be heard breaking. "Castiel!" With a sudden push, a man burst through the line of the trees, his eyes wide with fear and worry. Finally they fell on the dark, hunched form of Castiel, still kneeling with his head turned towards the heavens.

"Cas," the voice was quiet now, reverent, but still raspy with desperation. He ran to Castiel and put a hand on his shoulder, trying to catch the angel's – the fallen angel's, he corrected himself—eyes. But the blue orbs, round with such confusion and heart break that Dean's breath caught in his throat and he almost broke too, were glossed over and wouldn't look into the green ones above him. Something had broken within Castiel, that much was obvious.

"Cas," this time the word was spoken so softly and tenderly. He reached up one hand and put it on Castiel's cheek. The other hand stayed rested on the trench-coated shoulder. Finally, Dean lowered himself onto his knees directly in front of Castiel.

"Cas, I'm here," he said, still trying to catch the fallen angel's eyes. "Cas, look at me, its ok." He rubbed his hand along Castiel's shoulder. The trench coat felt rough underneath his fingers. He noticed a cut, then, across Castiel's throat. There was a bit of dried blood around it, plus a bit of fresh blood dripping down also. It would need stitches, Dean noted sadly.

"What did this?" Dean asked, almost touching it, but backing his hand away again after a moment's thought.

"That's going to need stitches, bud," he said. He cringed at the statement. Bud? He thought. Since when do I call him bud? He shook it off.

"Cas, Sam is ok," he said, then hesitated, "well, not ok. But not dead." He looked off towards where he had left the Impala, a couple of miles away, with Sam tucked inside. He turned back to see Castiel's eyes still glazed over and far away. He felt something snap deep inside of him.

"Cas!" He shouted, grabbing both of Castiel's shoulders and shaking them. "Cas, did you hear me? Sam isn't dead. You aren't dead. I'm not dead." He shook Castiel again.

"Don't do this, you son of a bitch," Dean shouted. "Don't leave us. Don't you dare leave me. You come back to me and we can figure this out. COME BACK TO ME." He shook Castiel again, but the body in his arms was weak and just flopped back and forth, his eyes not moving from the empty sky.

"Cas," his voice was quiet again and he slowly leaned forward, placing his forehead gently against Castiel's. They were breathing in each other's air. "Cas, I need you. Please." His breath hitched, but he kept it together. They just sat silently for a moment until, suddenly, Castiel shifted. Dean froze but didn't move his forehead from Castiel's.

"Dean?" The voice was wracked with so much pain it was staggering. The word stabbed through Dean and it was this single word that nearly broke him. He shuddered and felt a sharp tug at the back of his throat. He closed his eyes and held the back of Castiel's head against his own for a moment before he finally leaned back, utterly terrified to see the look in Castiel's eyes.

He was right to have worried.

The eyes looked so dull, lacking the depth that Dean was so used to seeing in them. The long looks that Dean had grown so accustomed to now seemed unimaginable. It hurt to look into those eyes for even seconds.

"Dean," Castiel looked away from him and started moving his dark, heavy eyes across the sky and the surrounding area. "My fault. It was me." He started breathing heavily. Tears filled his eyes until finally they started to spill over. Then he really started to freak out.

"It was my fault. My fault. My grace. He took it! He took my grace," his hand reached up to touch the wound on his throat. "The other angels, Dean. Falling. Because of me." He last word was spoken as he turned his head to look into Dean's eyes. A single tear rolled down Dean's cheek. His mouth was slightly open. Castiel swallowed and rolled his eyes up again. He was shaking. Violently.

Dean grabbed either side of Castiel's head and pulled him down to meet Dean's eyes. He shook his head once, maintaining that painful eye contact.

"No." He wouldn't say anything else. He just looked at Castiel pointedly and shook his head one more time. Then he pulled Castiel into a rough hug. The fallen angel's shoulders shook with sobs still. It seemed like he couldn't stop. He felt like the pain was going to rip through him until there was nothing left, but Dean held him together. He could feel Dean's arms keeping him from exploding, and he could hear his even voice telling him, 'no'.

After a few minutes, when Castiel's shoulders stopped shaking, Dean pulled away, but he still kept both hands on his shoulders.

"Cas," he said, "we are going to get through this." He stood up and held his hand out to the fallen angel's broken form. Cas looked at the hand for a moment before he grabbed it and stood up. He knees cracked loudly as he got to his feet and promptly stumbled, and would have fallen over if Dean hadn't stopped him.

"OK, Cas," he practically held Castiel's entire body weight as he started to walk, "let's just get back to the car." He half supported/half dragged Castiel towards the trees. His breath was ragged and he let out a humorless laugh at the thought of just how far away the Impala was.

"Dean," Castiel said, trying and failing to stand and walk on his own, "you should let me stay. I deserve to be left here." Dean made a frustrated noise and dropped Castiel roughly, without warning. He fell down onto the ground without a look back up.

"And that is the absolute last time I will allow you to say that." He let his arms hang down to his sides. "You don't deserve to be left here. You made a mistake. We all did. We put our trust in someone and it all went to shit. But you," Dean pointed firmly at Castiel, "do not deserve to die because of it. Cas, you have saved so many people. You saved me more times than I can count. Let me repay a favor: you pulled my sorry ass out of hell, and I am not going to let you wither away to dust and self-loathing in this god forsaken forest. "

Castiel looked up at Dean, his eyes lit up just slightly. Just a hint of the old angel lighting up the blue spheres. A sudden sad smile graced Dean's face.

"You deserve to be saved," the blue eyes flared to life and Castiel suddenly stood up. Before Dean could respond to the sudden shift, Castiel moved right into his personal space and kissed him roughly.

Dean's hands shot up into the air like he was trying to wave down a plane, but he didn't pull away. Castile's slightly chapped lips shoved at Dean's almost painfully until finally Dean's hands came down and went to Castiel's shoulders. He mouth opened up and Castiel's tongue was pushing his way in, flicking across the inside of dean lips. Dean let out a surprised groan from the back of his throat. And then Castiel was gone, still standing within Dean's personal space, but far enough away to look into Dean's shocked green eyes. His mouth was still open and his arms were still raised, hands in the same position they had been on Castiel's shoulders.

Castiel looked at Dean warily, but didn't break eye contact. Things were utterly silent again. Dean's arms dropped slowly back to his sides and he looked like he was about to say something when he shook his head once, quickly, just like before, took a breath, and then took a stop forward to Castiel again and their lips crashed together.

Teeth were shoved against teeth and Dean knew his lips were going to be bruised. Castiel's too, he remembered with a jolt. At some point he realized that he couldn't tell the difference between his mouth and Cas's. Castiel's hand was grabbing Dean's hair roughly, eliciting a grown from Dean he wasn't totally proud of. It was all heat and pent up years of repressed feelings.

Dean ripped Castiel's button-down shirt, and the undershirt beneath it, up out of his pants and pushed his hand against Cas's warm skin. Cas growled as Dean moved his hand down and ran it along the flat planes of Castiel's hips. Dean was blurry with the heat of it when he remembered Sam in the car. He pulled his mouth away and tried to speak firmly.

"Cas," he failed. The voice was raspy with a need he didn't realize he could feel. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Cas, we need to go." Cas almost whimpered as Dean pulled his hands away from his skin.

"Dean," he tried to move in again. Dean laughed quietly and put his hand on Castiel's shoulder to hold him back.

"Cas, let's go home." He smiled at Cas and something clicked within the fallen angel as he looked into Dean's eyes again, and they both turned to walk in the direction of the car. Somehow he knew that, as long as he stayed with Dean, he just might be OK with falling.

So, you guys know the drill. Please rate/review and let me know if you want any more spn!