Disclaimer: I don't own JACK SHIT! ( I own the underwear I'm wearing now
though....)
( We see Raiden in the kitchen preparing some popcorn, he is preparing to watch a scary movie when.....)
RING!!!!!!!!!!!!
Raiden: Hello?
???: what's your favorite scary movie?
Raiden: who is this?
???: Wouldn't you like to know.
Raiden: So why'd you call me?
???: To talk.
Raiden: Talk about what?
???: You tell me.
Raiden: Oh I know!
3 HOURS LATER.........
Raiden: So then after that we watch 'King Kong' in my apar......
???: STOP! I want to talk about Scary Movies okay?
Raiden: Oh, you should have said so in the first place.
???: So what's your favorite?
Raiden: I don't know.
???: Think!
Raiden: ........Oh yeah! Jurassic Park 3!
???: Is it the one with the cheapo CGI Dinosaurs and overly mushy, idiotic and paper thin characters?
Raiden: Hey! I like it okay?
???: Got a girlfriend?
Raiden: (giggling) no.
???: What's your name?
Raiden: Why do you want to know my name?
???: Cause I wanna know who I'm looking at.
Raiden: What you just say?
???: I wanna know who I'm talking to.
Raiden: YOU said looking! You sick Voyager!
???: Are you scared?
Raiden: What..what do you want?
???: I wanna see what your INSIDES look like!
Raiden: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE'S SOMEONE AFTER MY SPERMS!!!!!!!!! (Hangs up.)
*RING!!!*
Raiden: THERE'S SOMEONE AFTER MY SPERMS!!!!!
???: GODDAMNIT I'M NOT AFTER YOUR SPERMS YOU SHITHEAD! I WANNA KILL YOU! K- I-L-L Y-O-U.
Raiden: LISTEN BITCH!!! YOU BETTER STOP CALLING ME OR....OR ELSE....
???: OR ELSE WHAT?
Raiden: OR ELSE MY GIRLFRIEND'S COMING OVER, SHE ISN'T REAL BUT SHE WILL KICK YOUR ASS!
???: I thought you said you didn't have one.
Raiden: Well I do! And she's so strong she tackled the Y2K virus by herself!
???: Her name wouldn't happen to be....Rose, Would it?
Raiden: How you'd know?
???: Look outside your backyard......
( Raiden looks outside his backyard and sees Rose (actually a computer with a picture of rose tied up on the screen) tied up)
Raiden:OMIGOD! LET HER GO!
???: You have to play a game first.
Raiden: What game?
???: Just some trivia question, you get it correct she lives, wrong, she DIES!
Raiden: Please....stop this.
???: Come on! Here's a easy one, who were the killers in Jurassic park?
Raiden: DINOSAURS! NOW LET HER GO!
???: Correct! Here's another, get it right and she lives. What's my favorite scary movie?
Raiden: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO KNOW?
???: THINK OR SHE DIES!
Raiden: PLANET OF THE APES! PLANET OF THE APES!
???: .............
Raiden: Correct?
???: THAT'S NOT EVEN A SCARY MOVIE YOU DUMBASS! SHE DIES!!!
( The lights dim, some disgusting noise are heard, the lights are turned on and we can see the computer is smashed up)
Raiden: HOLY SHIT!!! ROSE!!! ROSE!!!!!!!!!
???: It's too late for her, but I'm gonna give you a chance to live, just answer this question.
Raiden: Please...let me go......
???: Then answer the question.
Raiden: (starts crying)
???: What is the author making a parody of in this fic?
Raiden: Just...let me go......
???: Wrong answer......
CRASH!!!!!!!!!!
( A chair is thrown through the screen door Raiden was squatting next to.)
Raiden: HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Runs into kitchen)
Raiden: ( in the kitchen, peeks into the living room and sees a black figure dart past.) What did father say, I know he told me what to do during situations like this!
Flashback
Solidus: Now son if a homicidal killer ever stalks you and kills your AI girlfriend and wants to kill you and you run into the kitchen, take the Socom I hide in the cabinet to defend yourself or at least take a kitchen knife but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! DON'T TAKE THE SOUP SPOON!
Raiden: Okay Dad!
Present
Raiden: (picks up soup spoon) STAY BACK! I GOT A SOUP SPOON AND IT'S DIRTY!!!
( Hearing this, the killer charges in, shiny chopping knife (purchasable at wal-mart) in hand.)
Raiden: DADDYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (drops soup spoon and runs outside, the killer following swiftly behind him)
(The killer catches up to Raiden and stabs him in the shoulder)
Raiden: I'M BLEEDING!!!!!!! BLEEDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (falls down on the floor dead.)
???: ........that was quick. ( proceeds to stab him rapidly, before hanging him on the tree.)
Raiden: That wasn't as painful as I thought it would be.
???: shut up! You're suppose to be dead! ( Starts thinking) Let's see..heart on dining table.... spleen in sink...liver.....liver......
Raiden: How about the mailbox?
???: Good ide.....HEY you're suppose to be dead! Shut up!
Raiden: Even when I'm dead I get no respect. (dies)
30 MINUTES LATER........
Solidus: Jack I'm home! ...son? (looks inside kitchen and sees the heart and spleen.) Godamnit! I told him not to waste food! Where are you you white devil?
( Walks outside of the house and sees raiden hanging on the tree.)
Solidus: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Solidus: I JUST PLANTED THAT TREE!
TBC
Author's note: From this point on if it probably won't follow the scream storyline as I can only remember this part.
( We see Raiden in the kitchen preparing some popcorn, he is preparing to watch a scary movie when.....)
RING!!!!!!!!!!!!
Raiden: Hello?
???: what's your favorite scary movie?
Raiden: who is this?
???: Wouldn't you like to know.
Raiden: So why'd you call me?
???: To talk.
Raiden: Talk about what?
???: You tell me.
Raiden: Oh I know!
3 HOURS LATER.........
Raiden: So then after that we watch 'King Kong' in my apar......
???: STOP! I want to talk about Scary Movies okay?
Raiden: Oh, you should have said so in the first place.
???: So what's your favorite?
Raiden: I don't know.
???: Think!
Raiden: ........Oh yeah! Jurassic Park 3!
???: Is it the one with the cheapo CGI Dinosaurs and overly mushy, idiotic and paper thin characters?
Raiden: Hey! I like it okay?
???: Got a girlfriend?
Raiden: (giggling) no.
???: What's your name?
Raiden: Why do you want to know my name?
???: Cause I wanna know who I'm looking at.
Raiden: What you just say?
???: I wanna know who I'm talking to.
Raiden: YOU said looking! You sick Voyager!
???: Are you scared?
Raiden: What..what do you want?
???: I wanna see what your INSIDES look like!
Raiden: AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE'S SOMEONE AFTER MY SPERMS!!!!!!!!! (Hangs up.)
*RING!!!*
Raiden: THERE'S SOMEONE AFTER MY SPERMS!!!!!
???: GODDAMNIT I'M NOT AFTER YOUR SPERMS YOU SHITHEAD! I WANNA KILL YOU! K- I-L-L Y-O-U.
Raiden: LISTEN BITCH!!! YOU BETTER STOP CALLING ME OR....OR ELSE....
???: OR ELSE WHAT?
Raiden: OR ELSE MY GIRLFRIEND'S COMING OVER, SHE ISN'T REAL BUT SHE WILL KICK YOUR ASS!
???: I thought you said you didn't have one.
Raiden: Well I do! And she's so strong she tackled the Y2K virus by herself!
???: Her name wouldn't happen to be....Rose, Would it?
Raiden: How you'd know?
???: Look outside your backyard......
( Raiden looks outside his backyard and sees Rose (actually a computer with a picture of rose tied up on the screen) tied up)
Raiden:OMIGOD! LET HER GO!
???: You have to play a game first.
Raiden: What game?
???: Just some trivia question, you get it correct she lives, wrong, she DIES!
Raiden: Please....stop this.
???: Come on! Here's a easy one, who were the killers in Jurassic park?
Raiden: DINOSAURS! NOW LET HER GO!
???: Correct! Here's another, get it right and she lives. What's my favorite scary movie?
Raiden: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO KNOW?
???: THINK OR SHE DIES!
Raiden: PLANET OF THE APES! PLANET OF THE APES!
???: .............
Raiden: Correct?
???: THAT'S NOT EVEN A SCARY MOVIE YOU DUMBASS! SHE DIES!!!
( The lights dim, some disgusting noise are heard, the lights are turned on and we can see the computer is smashed up)
Raiden: HOLY SHIT!!! ROSE!!! ROSE!!!!!!!!!
???: It's too late for her, but I'm gonna give you a chance to live, just answer this question.
Raiden: Please...let me go......
???: Then answer the question.
Raiden: (starts crying)
???: What is the author making a parody of in this fic?
Raiden: Just...let me go......
???: Wrong answer......
CRASH!!!!!!!!!!
( A chair is thrown through the screen door Raiden was squatting next to.)
Raiden: HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Runs into kitchen)
Raiden: ( in the kitchen, peeks into the living room and sees a black figure dart past.) What did father say, I know he told me what to do during situations like this!
Flashback
Solidus: Now son if a homicidal killer ever stalks you and kills your AI girlfriend and wants to kill you and you run into the kitchen, take the Socom I hide in the cabinet to defend yourself or at least take a kitchen knife but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! DON'T TAKE THE SOUP SPOON!
Raiden: Okay Dad!
Present
Raiden: (picks up soup spoon) STAY BACK! I GOT A SOUP SPOON AND IT'S DIRTY!!!
( Hearing this, the killer charges in, shiny chopping knife (purchasable at wal-mart) in hand.)
Raiden: DADDYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (drops soup spoon and runs outside, the killer following swiftly behind him)
(The killer catches up to Raiden and stabs him in the shoulder)
Raiden: I'M BLEEDING!!!!!!! BLEEDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (falls down on the floor dead.)
???: ........that was quick. ( proceeds to stab him rapidly, before hanging him on the tree.)
Raiden: That wasn't as painful as I thought it would be.
???: shut up! You're suppose to be dead! ( Starts thinking) Let's see..heart on dining table.... spleen in sink...liver.....liver......
Raiden: How about the mailbox?
???: Good ide.....HEY you're suppose to be dead! Shut up!
Raiden: Even when I'm dead I get no respect. (dies)
30 MINUTES LATER........
Solidus: Jack I'm home! ...son? (looks inside kitchen and sees the heart and spleen.) Godamnit! I told him not to waste food! Where are you you white devil?
( Walks outside of the house and sees raiden hanging on the tree.)
Solidus: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Solidus: I JUST PLANTED THAT TREE!
TBC
Author's note: From this point on if it probably won't follow the scream storyline as I can only remember this part.