"Stars hide your fires. Let not light see my black and deep desires."

Dean has been staring at the popcorn ceiling of some shitty motel room for over an hour. He tries to focus on breathing in and out, deepening his breathing but his fist still clutches sporadically at the scratchy comforter.

They had driven two days straight to Illinois for what turned out to be a God-damned goose chase. Dean felt twitchy and he couldn't get his pulse to calm down since they got back to their temporary home crap home.

On the way in, the night clerk tried to give them some shit about how they double charge in the off season for more than two nights and he almost shoved him through the wall. He vaguely heard Sam smoothing things over behind him with quick apologizes and an extra hundred as he stormed into their room. He would have had to endure a feelings talk or at least an epic bitch out if he hadn't headed straight for the shower.

Dean finally gives up sleep as a lost cause. With a glance at his brother's sleeping form, he grabs his leather jacket and closes the door behind him.

He passes the Impala and just keeps going. Dean's used to traveling long distances by foot and feels wrapped in the blackness of night like a protective skin. He doesn't pay attention to where he's going until he finds himself in a field with tall grass that's been left to grow unattended.

Dean Winchester. Hunter. Brother. Defender of the Innocent and Scourge of the Monsters.

He grinds his teeth so hard he might break them. He laughs up at the still pitch dark sky but nothing's all that funny. He feels like screaming until he's ruined his throat and won't ever be able to make another sound with it.

For a brief second, that makes him think of an impossibly guttural voice. He wonders if he'd sound like Cas if he sat out here yelling like a crazed thing until he couldn't anymore. That thought makes him smile for the first time in weeks. He closes his eyes and whispers the angel's name before he even thinks it through.

All the tall grass around him sways to one side and when he opens his eyes, Cas is there.

"Dean," he says simply with a barely there smile. It's replaced with confusion when he takes in their surroundings. "Is something wrong? Where's Sam?"

"Uh.." Dean is a little embarrassed now that he's here. I mean they're in a field in the middle of no where. He doesn't have his car and he knows he's shaking slightly.

"Sam's fine. He's sleeping back at the motel." Wherever that is, Dean adds to himself.

Dean tries to swallow down the tightness in his chest and ticking in his jaw to sound normal. "I just wanted to catch up. Are you still watching over Fred?"

Castiel frowns and answers as though he's per-occupied. "I've been helping people. Healing the sick. Trying to do penance and redeem myself. I still check in on Mr. Jones.. Dean, what's happened?" He had been looking around the open space as he talked and finished by taking a step forward. Closer.

Dean tries to feign innocence, "Nothing Cas. A guy can't say hello?" His voices raised a little too loud as he gets defensive. Dammit why did he call him. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Castiel does his usual soulful stare and tries again. "We are.. friends. You should give me the courtesy of the truth."

Dean barks out a harsh laugh. "Are we friends, Cas?!" He's pacing now with unspent energy. "All we ever do is fight. Fight each other. Fight shifters.. vamps. Fight demons. Fight angels. Hell, if God would ever show his ass, I'm sure we'd have to fight him too." He tried to slow his breathing but he was too amped up again. "All I'm good for anymore is the fight."

Cas is looking at him all concern and scrunched tries to stop the aimless rant and put into words what has him wandering in the dead of night. What he can't tell his brother. Maybe Cas would get it.. or just listen and flit away. Either way, he started talking.

"Do you ever miss it?" Dean says with his back turned.

"Miss what?" Cas stayed where he was and waited.

"Purgatory." Dean turned to meet his eyes. Castiel didn't understand 80% of Dean's pop culture references, but he instinctively picked up on his meaning immediately.

"I'm an Angel, Dean. A soldier. I've fought in wars that lasted longer than your species has been on this planet." He pauses and cocks his head slightly. "You miss.. battle?"

"Not exactly. Not just that." He hesitates. "It was simple. Clean. Everything else was dialed down to just adrenaline and blood and finding the weak spot. No worrying about Sammy or saving the world or stopping whatever God Damn monster of the week that has a bunch of kids locked up for lunch. It was just me- us- and the monsters."

Cas was silent, waiting for Dean to finish. He wanted to reach out, touch him somewhere..somehow in comfort but he knew Dean wouldn't thank him for it.

"God, Cas. I want that. I need that. We were on a hunt today that turned out to be just a big fucking waste of time and I feel like.. like I'm gonna lose it. Like I'm hungry for it and so empty."

"Dean.." Cas started and tried not to flinch when Dean barks out, "Fuck! There's something broken inside me."

His voice is shaky and he feels like a whiny bitch. Why is he talking about this. It's making it stronger and harder to not want to tear into his own flesh.. if not someone elses.

Everything takes too long. They have to research and then drive and stake out and track down the thing and hunt it into a corner. It all takes fucking days, sometimes weeks, at a time. Then it's over too quickly. There's not enough stuff to kill here.. and that's the most terrifying thought of all.

"I think.." he trails off and looks at the sky for the rest of that sentence.

"I feel like soon we'll run out of monsters. Like I might not pull back in time when I realize its a human and we need the police. Or.."

Cas has been giving him his blank stare and letting Dean go non-stop. Dean knows he's said the word feel in this rant more than he has in all his life but he's got to get the next part out so someone else knows. If he gets too close to the dark side.. he needs Cas to know that he'll have to stop him.

Dean looks straight at his friend for the first time since he started and comes to stand right in front of him.

"I get this itch now. It doesn't go away until I've torn something apart and watched the lights go out. I thought hunting would do it and I'd be fine.. but it's not enough. I might hurt someone. I need you to take care of me if that happens. Sammy can't do it. It has to be you."

Cas is clenching his jaw and squinting at him with a lot of intensity. "So you're just going to let this have you, Dean?"

"Cas, I -"

"No." Cas shoves him backward until he loses his balance and is on his butt in the grass. He angrily glares down at the hunter and Dean gets a glimpse of Castiel, Angel of the Lord. Maybe Cas will just smite him here like the evil piece of shit he is.

"I refuse to have rebelled, fought and died in your name just to now destroy you."

Dean gets to his feet, feeling his anger return like a warm caress. Cas immediately pushes his chest hard and knocked him back on the ground again.

"I will stop you if you need it, but I will not kill you, Dean." Cas' fists are balled at his sides.

Dean knew rationally that it was Cas above him, but his body was getting all flushed and keyed up to attack. Anticipation started to knot in his belly and this time when Cas stepped forward to knock him down, Dean dived lower and charged his middle.

They ended with Cas on his back and Dean straddling his chest for leverage, arm raised to punch his pretty boy face. Castiel caught Dean's wrist mid-air and tried to ignore the feeling of Dean pressed so intimately against his body. His fingers twitched to release his angel blade but he concentrated on forcing the human off him. Even if he looked like a holy tax accountant, he would always be stronger and it was time he reminded Dean of that.

While Dean was busy trying to pull back his arm so he could hurt and purge some of his rage into this fight, Cas pushed upwards and used his strength to flip them.

Dean grunted in impotent anger as Cas pinned him hard into the earth. Barring his teeth, he growled as he bucked and tried to dislodge the angel. He needed an outlet for all the violence swirling inside him before he exploded.

Cas locked his jaw and breathed out slowly, knowing Dean didn't realize his denim-covered groin was rubbing against his vessel's with every attempt to throw him. He tried to concentrate on holding the furious hunter down instead of the blood rushing to his lower extremity. Human anatomy's were annoying and they betrayed you and how could this feel so good when Castiel was so damned pissed?

Trying to distract himself and make Dean settle down, he reared back and backhanded Dean hard enough to stun him.

Through the screen of red, Dean felt the sharp blow and also the sudden twitch in his dick which he also just realized was pressed against another dude's. Cas' to be specific. Dean's eyes shot up to find Cas looking surprised, pissed, and definitely worked up.

Cas breathed out through his nose and kept his lips pinched together tight. Then he let go of where he had been holding Dean's arms.

"I'll stop you, Dean. When you need it."

That's all he got before the angel took a powder and his weight disappeared from above him.

Great. Dean was left staring at the lightening sky and couldn't tell what the fuck just happened.

Author's Note: So this is the beginning of my first Destiel fic. Planned to move to spicier frontiers as the chapters proceed if there is interest. Let me know what you think as I am a shameless attention whore and will write for reviews. Kisses!