a/n: written for Arty Diane, to wish her a very Happy Birthday. Themes shamelessly borrowed from her wonderful series, "How it would have gone! (in Study in Pink)", celebrating a somewhat alternative view of the drug squad and their zealous pursuit of stashed "recreational" goods...oh, and the eyeballs belong to Ennui Enigma.

Poem form inspired by Gilbert and Sullivan.

Sherlock and friends do not belong to me.

The Drug Squad, Metropolitan.

We are the very model of a drug squad, metropolitan;

We catch more cunning criminals than Mycroft and his brolly can.

We like to lurk in Baker Street, for matters operational;

And rise up to the challenge to find items recreational.

The hunt for hidden board games is our latest speciality;

We rarely fail to pounce on Cluedo, Scrabble or Monopoly.

A chess board won't escape us, we can guess where Jenga blocks are stored,

And bringing those to justice who are players is its own reward.

We check each room out carefully for gameboys, playing cards and dice;

A drug squad member rarely has to check a suspect's bedroom twice.

We're proud to be the members of a drug squad, metropolitan,

And keep the streets much safer now than Mycroft and his brolly can.

~0~

We love identifying drugs concealed around their little flat;

Our leading lady Sergeant is particularly good at that.

We carefully examine every bottle, every pack of pills,

Ignoring feeble protests that they're all prescribed for minor ills.

They might be labelled vitamins or maybe anti-fungal cream,

Decongestants, muscle rubs; this does not fool our expert team;

Of course we see straight through it all, their guilt is clearly written plain;

We know for sure that somewhere is a stash of hidden crack cocaine.

Just checking out the teapot is a useful exercise as well;

Earl Grey is just another drug the miscreants will try to sell.

We always stick together in the drug squad, metropolitan;

Annoying John and Sherlock more than Mycroft and his brolly can.

~0~

Of course there is a downside to the diligence we all display;

Some things we see cause nightmares that we know will never go away.

We check with trepidation all the shelves and cupboards we explore,

And none of us had seen a human eyeball microwaved before.

Enduring a description of the eyeball test was quite a feat...

(We now know where the bathrooms are in two two one B Baker Street...)

And Anderson revealed a shorter gruesome tale attention span

Than she who wears the trousers really; Sergeant Sally Donovan.

We only leave the premises when chances of success are slim.

(And not because John Watson shouts and not because we're scared of him.)

We are the loyal members of a drug squad, metropolitan;

And cause more pandemonium than Mycroft and his brolly can.

~0~