He opened his eyes again. Opening his eyes was easy but closing them was hard, especially since she had died.
But today it felt harder to open his eyes than closing them.
He hoped it wasn't because of last night.
He felt ashamed about what had had happened last night and all of yesterday.
It had just been too hard. He couldn't take it anymore.
He had the cravings. He had tried fighting them for a couple of weeks, maybe even a months, now.
He couldn't believe he had actually done it again.
He knew what he had done and how people would react when they had found out he had relapsed. He couldn't let them find out.
'Why had he done it?' Many would undoubtedly ask but to be honest he didn't truly know himself.
24 hours earlier
He grabbed a cup and started pouring some dark, sweet coffee.
He hadn't been getting much sleep since she had died. When he did eventually close his eyes he was haunted by visions of her, dying again and again.
That was a disadvantage of his eidetic memory.
He would wake just before the moment Diane shot her, his Maeve. He knew what was going to happen but his brain wanted to remind him what happened just before Maeve died.
He remembered what he had been forced to say and how he had been forced to kiss the witch, Diane's, mouth. She didn't believe the lies he had tried to feed to her.
He had wished he had tried harder to fake loving Diane maybe Maeve would have not died.
Maybe he would have died instead but he would have preferred that.
At least that way he wouldn't be feeling like this.
He hated this feeling.
He hated all the grief and sadness he was feeling.
He hated feeling like this.
He hated feeling the cravings again.
He promised himself that he wouldn't do anything like that again, not after what he had to go through to get off the diladid.
It was drug store heroin. It was hard enough to get off of it.
He knew he couldn't do that again.
It would be impossible to do again.
He just felt so low now.
He finished pouring his coffee and walked over to his desk whilst sipping his coffee.
At the moment he and Hotch were the only ones in the BAU.
He knew it was really early but he couldn't sleep much and he knew at least if he was at work he was doing something productive and something that would keep his mind off Maeve.
Work seemed to do that.
He sat down in his seat and looked at his watch it was 8.30AM.
He knew that most of the rest of the team would come in by 9 or 9.30.
He looked at his pile of files.
He started one of the files on his desk.
He didn't play much attention when Hotch came over.
Hotch tapped him on his shoulder and asked "Do you want to talk?"
Reid looked at his watch and noticed it was only 8.45.
He knew that the rest of the team wouldn't be in for at least 15 minutes.
Reid didn't want to talk to Hotch but he knew Hotch would keep insisting on having a talk with him. Even though Reid knew he would never want to talk.
Especially not to Hotch about Maeve.
No-one would understand what he was feeling.
No-one would understand what he had gone through.
No-one would understand what he was going through.
No-one would ever have a life like Reid.
Reid had just lost his soul mate who he had only met once.
Reid was a recovering drug addict who had been clean for over five years now.
But he still had cravings especially at times like this.
He wasn't the same person who had joined the BAU about a decade ago!
Reid turned around in his seat and faced Hotch and asked "Do I really need to talk to you?"
Hotch knew that Reid wouldn't want to talk but he was surprised by Reid's question.
"Would you rather talk to Morgan or one of the girls?" Hotch asked as Reid turned back to his work.
"I would rather you all left me alone to grieve over Maeve. You don't know what it was like. You will never know what it was like…" Reid mumbled as he got back to one of the pieces of paperwork on his desk.
Hotch heard the comment but decided to ignore it.
"Ok, Reid. We are all here for you to talk to, when you want to speak." Hotch said as he walked back to his office.
Reid was left alone to continue his paperwork.
With Hotch
Hotch was worried about Reid, but so was everyone.
Reid hadn't been his usual self since Maeve had died.
Reid had changed.
He was less focused and seemed more on edge and depressed.
Hotch just hoped Reid wouldn't do anything stupid.
He hoped Reid hadn't done anything stupid yet.
He guessed Reid hadn't yet but increasing Reid was becoming worse.
He wasn't sure what he could do but if Reid was denying to speak to him who could he get to speak to Reid?
He thought through all of the team and guessed JJ was the best one to speak to about Reid.
Morgan would be too over protective and would go into the conversation to harshly.
Reid wasn't going to open up to Him or Rossi.
Garcia would be too emotion and probably end up crying or something. He didn't want people to end up in tears.
Reid might talk to Blake but he thought Reid and JJ had a better relationship.
He decided he would speak to JJ about talking to Reid. Maybe she could sort Reid out or at least help him.
About an hour later
It was 10 AM before anyone else disturbed Reid.
It was JJ.
"How are you, Spence?" JJ asked sweetly as she put her arm around his shoulders.
"What do you want?" Reid snapped. He knew it most likely had something to do with Hotch.
It seemed to Reid that JJ wouldn't just wonder to his desk unless she wanted to tell him something or she was told to by Hotch.
"Why do you ask me that? You and I are close friends and I am slightly worried about you. I wanted to see how you were." JJ paused. She needed to tell Reid the truth but Reid was never going to open up to her if she did tell him the whole truth.
"Everyone is worried about you Reid. We know what you are feeling. We know that you aren't dealing with this whole thing really well. We are here for you for whatever you need. Are you ok?" JJ asked as Reid took his head out of his paperwork.
"You don't know what I feel. You don't know that I am dealing with this badly or well. I don't care if everyone is worried about me and do you really want to know something, I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't want to deal with six pairs of eyes looking over me every second of my life. I don't want to be reminded of what happened. I don't want to know that people are worried about. Do you really want to know something? I don't care about anyone else. I don't care about you, Hotch or any of the others. You know what? I don't want to stay here anymore. I'm going to leave this hellhole and quit. I am leaving. Goodbye, JJ." Reid said as he jolted away from JJ.
He grabbed his satchel and got up.
He walked away from his desk and away from his teammates.
He walked out of the BAU headquarters and got to his car.
Even when he heard various members of the team shout his name, he didn't turn back. Nor did he answer to any of them.
He got into his car and drove out of the building not wanting to go home but not wanting to stay at work.
At the BAU
Rossi had heard all the commotion coming from the bullpen.
He had assumed Hotch had gotten someone else to speak to Reid.
Everyone knew Reid was let's just say delicate at the moment.
He was very unstable but anyone would be after their girlfriend had died in front of them.
But Reid… He was different.
Reid was a genius whose IQ had never had to deal with any sort of grief like this.
He wanted to be there for the kid but it was just hard to be.
He went out of his office to see what was going on.
He opened his door and saw Reid shouting at JJ.
He saw Reid walk out of the BAU.
Rossi was in utter disbelief.
He had never seen Reid shout at JJ like that.
JJ and Reid were best friends. They were more than that. Rossi didn't know how to describe them.
He saw Morgan get up and try to go after Reid but Reid either didn't notice or didn't care.
He saw Blake and Hotch also go after Reid but Reid did the same.
It was so weird but he could visibly see JJ was in total of shock.
He decided to walk over to her.
"What happened?" Rossi asked JJ as Hotch, Morgan and Blake came back.
"A lot!" Hotch exclaimed as he snuck up behind Rossi and JJ.