"It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus, and even Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it."
― Lemony Snicket, The Bad Beginning

Leonard has a calendar hanging on his kitchen wall.

It's one of those you can make on the internet using your own pictures.

Leonard had never really seen the point of them; did it really matter if there was a little photo in the box of his birthday? But Jocelyn liked them, always ordering about 5 – one for the kitchen, one for the hallway, one for her parents, one for Leonard's parents and another one for Leonard's office – so Leonard just shrugged and smiled when he saw the pictures of Joanna's face decorating whatever month they were on.

It's March 14th now and there are no photos in the boxes for this month, just three large photos of Leonard Jocelyn and Joanna together.

In January, there was a little box with Leonard's face in it on the 20th.

In April, on the 29th there'll be a little box with Jocelyn's face in it, and on November 19th, Joanna's face will grin at him from her little box. December 27th has a blurry photo of him and Jocelyn kissing took by Joanna on their anniversary the year before.

Leonard knows all this by heart now, because he's spent at least two hours going through the various months.

It was still dark when Leonard woke up; a glance at the clock on Joanna's bedside table had shown that it was about 5am.

By the time he'd managed to peel his suit and shoes off and change into sweats and a plain grey t-shirt, it was half five and the birds were just starting to sing their song.

He didn't know what to do with himself at first, the house was quiet; Nyota wouldn't turn up until 10 at the earliest, and now that Jocelyn and Joanna were gone, it was just Leonard in an empty four bedroom house.

He had gone into the kitchen to put the bourbon bottle away, originally. He wasn't done with it yet, but if he turned up at Nyota's house drunk already, she might burn his bacon.

But then he'd seen the calendar, seen the way Jocelyn had written little reminders and appointments for the month, lunch w/ Nyota, Leo dentists 11am – don't let him forget!, and he couldn't take his eyes off it.

He kind of wants to make a note of the funeral, the day of the crash, everything. But Jocelyn always teased him for his doctor's scrawl and suddenly the idea of breaking up her neat handwriting with his own just seems terrible.

And that's how Nyota finds him five hours later; staring at the calendar hanging on the kitchen wall, pen in his hand.

It only takes her a second to look from his face to the calendar and see the family in the pictures grinning back at him for her to understand. Then she's taking the pen out of his hand and wrapping her arms around him.

"Spock's made the bed in the guestroom for you, and you can stay for as long as you need." She says the words into Leonard's shoulder, because without her heels the top of her head only just reaches Leonard's chin; it's been so long that Leonard's actually seen her without heels he almost wants to make a comment on her height, but he just can't bring himself to look away from the photo of the three of them at Joanna's fifth birthday party.

"I didn't pack any clothes." He finally turns to look at Nyota, and the smile she gives him was a lot like the one she smiled at the funeral; small, and more than a little bit sad, but real. It makes something tighten in Leonard's chest.

"I know. It's okay. You can borrow something from Spock," Nyota pauses, moving her hands from Leonard's waist to his shoulders, and squeezes. "It's okay for you to not be okay right now, Leo. It's okay to ask people for help."

"I'm not okay," The words come out as a half hearted laugh, because really, anyone with eyes can tell that he's not okay. "I'm not okay and I don't know if I'm ever going to be okay again."

"I know, sweetie. I know."

And the thing is, Leonard really thinks she does.

She doesn't rush him when he takes too long to pull shoes on, distracted by the sight of Joanna's shoes lined up next to his own.

She doesn't say anything when the only things he brings with him are the pain medication Dowd prescribed and his phone.

She doesn't ask if he's going to be okay in the car, just slides in the front seat and starts the engine.

She doesn't say anything until they get to her house, and even then all she asks is:

"Do you want coffee before or after your bacon sandwich?"

Leonard thinks he might just love her for it.

Nyota leaves him in her hallway to go work wonders in the kitchen – her and Spock are both excellent chiefs, it's kind of crazy how talented they both are when it comes to cooking – and Spock appears from upstairs carrying a box set of James Bond films.

James Bond is the main reason Spock and Leonard became friends, really. Leonard likes them because he used to watch them with his mom as a kid, and Spock likes them because–

Leonard's not actually sure why Spock likes them, and asking will probably be more effort than it's worth.

"Skyfall?" Leonard sits himself down on the largest sofa and smiles when Spock nods.

(They have an unspoken agreement to never bring up the fact that the first time they watched it, they both got a bit emotional when M died, mostly made in fear of Nyota ever finding out.)

While Spock messes around with the sound and menus, Leonard looks around. He knows what their house looks like, of course, but he's never realised just how similar it was to his own until now.

Spock and Nyota's house is made up of browns and creams, with wooden furniture and a soft brown sofa in the living room. The guest room is cream, and the kitchen and bathrooms have black tiles and furniture, which would be bland, but everywhere Leonard looks there are little splashes of colour; a bright blue blanket resting on the back of the sofa which Leonard vaguely remembers giving them for Christmas, a painting made up of bright yellows and red painted by Spock's mother hanging above the TV, and sitting proudly in the middle of the coffee table; a little green flower pot Joanna made in kindergarten. Leonard avoids looking at it for too long.

Leonard's house is full of colours as well – Jocelyn redecorated the entire house when she was 7 months pregnant, saying she refused to make a child live in a house where the only decoration was a single vase – bright colours decorating the house in the form of rugs, paintings, vases and appliances (their toaster is bright red, but it would take a braver man than Leonard to say no to a heavily pregnant Jocelyn McCoy).

It helps settle something in Leonard, the feeling of home without the memories, and he manages to fall asleep half way through Dr. No.

"What would you do? If it was Nyota, I mean. What would you do?"

Nyota had woken him up to eat his bacon sandwich, bully him into drinking a glass of water with his pills, and then had gone upstairs to leave him and Spock to their "male bonding over guns and fast cars."

"I don't know." Spock pauses the film (they went for Casino Royale after Leonard woke up for the last five minutes of Dr. No) and looks at Leonard with his serious face. It's not that much different from his usual expression, apart from a minute furrowing of the eyebrows. "It's an impossible situation to imagine. Life without Nyota simply seems unimaginable. She has become very important to me."

"I don't know what I'm going to do Spock, I really don't know."

"Which makes sense, given the circumstances you've found yourself in," It's the second time Spock has mentioned circumstances, and Leonard thinks it might be his way of saying 'given the fact your wife and daughter are dead.' "But Leonard, only you can decide what you will do. I only ask that you remember that Nyota and I are here for you."

"Yeah, I know." Leonard has to blink a few times, because there's no way he's going to cry because of Spock, of all people. "Put the film back on."

He tells himself Spock takes a moment to compose himself as well to make himself feel better.

Nyota lets him use her laptop when she gets tired of whatever it was she was doing, and all three of them curl up on the sofa to watch Goldfinger.

There's a few e-mails from the hospital, 2 from Chapel, 1 from M'Benga, and 5 from Dowd which makes Leonard reply to M'Benga's e-mail with a 'fuck you for giving him my e-mail' which Nyota sees and snorts at because apparently it's not very mature to ignore medical professionals, even if they have bright orange hair.

Spock informs him that Dr. Dowd's hair is actually classed as red, not bright orange, so Leonard tells them both to fuck off and goes back to checking his e-mails.

There's one from his aunt Clarice. He hasn't really spoken to her since he was a kid apart from the odd e-mail or major family event, not because he doesn't like her, but because she ran off to be at one with nature when Leonard was 19.

Leonard isn't sure that Winnipeg, Canada would be his first choice if he wanted to paint with all the colours of the wind, but who's he to judge?

It's mostly composed of 'I'm sorry your family is dead, are you okay?' and then something about rock formations or something which he skims over. But then near the end she asks if he's feeling unwell, because Leonard's grandma mentioned on the phone that Leonard looked rather thin at the funeral, and would he like for her to send him some herbal medicine?

Leonard's only 85% positive she's on about marijuana.

He sends his grandma a quick e-mail that boils down to 'stop talking to Aunt Clarice about me she keeps offering me 'herbal medicine'' and then sends Clarice a quick e-mail saying thanks but no thanks to the herbal medicine, it just turns out you lose your appetite when your wife and six year old daughter dies, and that he hopes Canada is treating her well.

He gives up on his e-mail after that, instead choosing to kick Nyota in the thigh and asking if she thinks he's lost weight when she turns to looks at him.

"Yeah, you have. Do you want to talk about why?"

"No, not really."

"Okay then."

They go back to watching the film after that.

Leonard stays with Nyota and Spock for three days in the end before he asks Spock for a ride home Sunday evening. Spock gives him a strange look, and Leonard thinks that if they were the type of friends that talk about feelings, they would have right then. But they're not, they're friends that sit and watch James Bond films in silence together, so he doesn't, and just turns to fetch his car keys.

Spock doesn't offer to stay when he drops Leonard off either, and Leonard appreciates it more than he can say.

He watches a film on his TV for a while, wrapping a blanket around himself and pretending he doesn't take deeper breathes whenever he thinks he can smell Jocelyn's perfume, but he doesn't really pay attention, and doesn't really understand the plot other than a man (Leonard thinks it might be Tom Cruise) needs to save the world for some reason. He's a few minutes away from falling asleep when his phone goes off.

Nyota – 22:17 – Spock's made some soup for you; I'll bring it round on my lunch break tomorrow x

Sent – 22:18 – You're an angel x

Nyota – 22:20 – I know, make sure you get some sleep xx

Leonard thinks that if he hadn't noticed it, he would've been okay. He thinks he would've been able to get up off the couch, take his painkillers, walk to his bedroom and get in bed. Hell, he might've even fallen asleep at some point.

But as he closes out of Nyota's message, he notices it, and then there's no chance of him sleeping that night.

Jocelyn 01/03/2014 – Just thought you should know, Jo's met a boy at kindergarten she thinks is cute, I've already

hidden the baseball bat before you even think about it :P Love you x

He rereads the text five times before he gets up and finds the bourbon bottle from the night before. He starts drinking when it hits home that it's the last text he's ever going to get from Jocelyn.

But eventually the bottle runs dry, so Leonard drags himself up to his bedroom, crawls into his bed and breathes in the scent of his wife's perfume. It takes a moment for him to type the numbers into his phone, each ring of the phone sending a stabbing pain into his heart.

Then the phone stops ringing, and it feels like someone's punched Leonard in the chest.

"Hi this is Jocelyn McCoy, I'm not here right now, so leave a messa—no Jo baby don't put that in your mout—"

He rings Jocelyn's number two more times before he's able to actually speak, and even then he has to choke down the tears.

"I know– I know you can't hear this; it's just me talking to an answering machine but," Leonard takes a deep breath, looks at his bedroom, sees Jocelyn's clothes in the wardrobe, her jewellery and makeup on the vanity, smells her perfume on the bed sheets and suddenly the tears are rolling down his face and he doesn't think he could stop crying if he tried.

"But it's been under a week since I buried you, and I don't know if I can do this anymore."