A/N Working on a Rolivia one but this popped into my head – before last nights episode (4x02) actually which is weird because the emotions Jane convened over the C.I's death are similar to the ones she was feeling when I was writing this – not correlation though – started this before I saw 4x02! And just to contradict Miss Harmon on her recent interview (although not on purpose!) Jane is for once not the 'guy' – yeah I heard it too – groan
As per usual none of them are mine. They belong to Tess, Janet and TNT I just borrow them.
The rain was pelting at the windows compounding the headache that was threatening Jane Rizzoli. The lights buzzing in the bullpen did nothing to stop the sense of an impending explosion in her head. It was 10 p.m. and she was looking at the file in front of her for what seemed like the fortieth time that day. She had left her desk exactly four times all day, dinner, coffee run and bathroom breaks. She didn't need the file in front of her anymore; she knew it off by heart, it was just routine. Twenty-four year old Kia Davis, left her home in Nutgrove Walk at 8 p.m. Friday 3/7 to meet with friends. Spent four hours with friends in a local bar. Friends attested independently that she only had three alcoholic drinks and was fully coherent when she left at midnight to get a cab. The cab left her two streets from home because the cab drivers wife went into labour – Jane had already shouted at him for this but Korsak had reined her in reminding her the guy already felt awful. In the two streets between where she was dropped off and her home Kia was raped and brutally murdered. She moved on from statements from friends to a separate folder from CRSU, which gave her nothing. Maura was struggling to get anything as well and was as irritated as Jane by the lack of evidence.
Jane slammed the folder shut and kicked her chair as she stood up. She pulled her fingers through her now extremely knotted curls and started to pace. She thought about Kia's mother. The look on her face when she told her her only daughter was dead. Then she heard a little cry behind Mrs. Davis and looked in to the second part of the living area, cordoned off by a screen to see a toddler in a play centre wearing a blue onesie searching for a pacifier he'd just dropped out of his mouth. When Mrs. Davis told her it was Kia's son Kyle Jane had to swallow back tears that threatened. She wasn't sure what it was. Her reactions weren't normally this emotional. But the last few months she'd become extremely frustrated with everything, snapping at everyone, not speaking unless spoken to and working until she literally collapsed in a ball into bed. Jo was getting used to increasingly shorter walks as Jane regressed into herself. She'd even bitten Maura's head off earlier that morning and hadn't seen her all day as a result. She was still in the morgue analysing results. Jane knew because they had plans that evening and she'd gotten a curt text of her to say she would be in the precinct until after eleven so they would have to reschedule.
Anger was bubbling just below the surface and when she hit the soft upper part of her thigh off the corner of Frost's desk as she paced a sharp eye-watering pain caused the anger to bubble over. She caught the folders sitting on the side of her desk and swept them all onto the floor screaming as she did so. She kicked her chair again, so hard this time one of the wheels broke off. She turned around to find something else to take her anger out on. The evidence board was pulled down and she punched it so hard the bottom pane of glass smashed, ripping into her knuckles.
Jane felt the pain but she didn't realise she was losing so much blood until she went to open the door to wash it in the bathroom.
"Shit" she muttered to herself. It needed bandaging. And their first aid box consisted of a few plasters and some bug spray.
She knew her only option was a visit to the morgue and she was loath to face Maura's wrath. But her hand was throbbing and blood was dripping on the floor so she had no choice.
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When the morgue doors opened Maura looked up to see Jane's lithe form walking at speed through the door and her first thought was 'think of something smart and annoying to say'. It was quickly pushed from her mind when she saw that Jane was only wearing a white tank top her blue shirt wrapped around her hand blood seeping through the part covering her knuckles. She moved quickly to the detective's side.
"Jane, my God, what did you do to your hand?"
"It had a fight with the evidence board"
Maura didn't have time to argue about an extremity independent of its owner getting into an altercation with an inanimate object. She was already raiding the drawers and cabinets for tweezers, a magnifying lamp, steri-strips and bandages.
She indicated for Jane to sit down at the lower table near her computer and took a seat opposite her positioning her hand carefully under the lamp. There were two large shards of glass and a few small splinter pieces embedded in Jane's knuckles and the surrounding skin.
"This is going to hurt, I'm sorry I have nothing to numb it"
"Just do it" Jane's tone was so sharp Maura contemplated telling her to call a cab and go to the hospital alone. But she could see Jane was in far more pain than just this physical manifestation so she set about deftly removing the shards of glass first with her fingers and then with a tweezers. She was reluctant to do it without an x-ray but again she knew she'd be fighting a losing battle to get Jane to go for one and that she'd end up just pulling the glass out herself in the bullpen possibly doing irreparable damage. At least she had a clue what she was doing.
Maura had noticed the changes in Jane lately. She'd seen her once sarcastic, caring devoted friend turn in on herself and push away the people she loved.
As she pulled the last piece of glass from Jane's knuckles she looked up for the first time in ten minutes.
Tears were streaming down Jane's face. She was biting her lip hard to stop herself from making a sound.
Maura was startled to see that Jane's neck and chest were soaked with tears.
She stood and moved quickly to her best friend who was still seated and staring at nothing in particular, pulling her head gently against her stomach and stroking her hair with her hand. She felt tears soak through the shirt she was wearing and she felt tears threaten in her own eyes as Jane shook in her arms. She hadn't moved an inch when Maura was treating her hand, testament to the strong silent label people put on her. But now in the safety of her best friends arms she was letting go. When Maura made a move to pull back slightly Jane grabbed her around her waist and pulled her back in whimpering slightly and shaking her head to indicate she needed her to stay put.
They stayed like that for minutes, Maura holding on as Jane let the demons that were haunting her day and night at the moment finally escape.
When Maura felt Jane lift her head of her own accord she pulled back and hunkered down in front of Jane whose eyes were staring directly at the floor.
"Jane?" No response. She waited a moment.
"Jane?" Still nothing.
Maura knew Jane wasn't in the mood to talk, to even move from her current position so she decided there was only one thing she could do. After putting a figure of eight bandage on Jane's hand she removed her white coat gathered her things from her office and switched off the lights as she did her routine checks before locking up.
She slipped her arm through Jane's at the crook of her elbow and stood her up, feeling the detective lean heavily on her for support, lying her head on her shoulder in the elevator to ensure that she didn't lose the contact that seemed to be grounding her right now.
They stopped by the bullpen to pick up Jane's things and Maura was stunned to see the state of the area around Jane's desk. But that was for tomorrow. She deftly kicked the largest pieces of glass she could see on the floor into a corner and left the folders where they were. She picked up Jane's jacket from the back of her chair and moved to where Jane was sitting in Korsak's chair to put it around her shoulders. She tried to slip it on the usual way but it seemed lifting her arms was even too much effort for Jane right now.
The walk to Maura's Prius seemed to take forever, more so because of the silence than the actual distance. Maura wasn't used to not talking to Jane. That voice was the one constant in her life. Even when they were fighting at least they were still speaking, even if it was shouting, so she could still hear it. Now the silence was deafening.
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Maura supported Jane as they walked from the car to her door, which Maura deftly unlocked with one hand. Walking slowly to the sofa she sat down and brought Jane down with her.
"What do you need?"
It was a simple question usually, right now it seemed like the hardest question in the world. And it was one that Jane didn't have an answer for. The best she could do was shrug so Maura did some mental maths as she felt the detective place her head on her shoulder again. She kissed the top of her head gently as she rubbed her lower back and tried to figure out when the last time Jane ate was. Then she tried to figure out what she had that she wouldn't turn her nose up at.
She moved to get up and felt Jane's hand move to her arm. But she managed to extricate herself and lie the detective down on the couch covering her with a throw and kissing her head again as she moved to the kitchen.
She returned fifteen minutes with some chips and dip and a bowl of cereal. She knew it was all Jane would eat.
She put a small table beside Jane and placed the food on it. She didn't have the heart to tell her to move to the dining-room table to eat.
Jane made an effort with the cereal but didn't touch the chips.
"I need a shower"
It was the first thing she'd said in over two hours and Maura was relieved to just hear that voice.
"I'll get you some towels and your t-shirt is in my blanket box. I'll leave them all together on the towel rack"
Jane just nodded and made her way to the bathroom. She stripped off as she went, leaving her clothes in a pile outside the bathroom. It was then she noticed the bandage – she couldn't get the stitches wet. She groaned as she sat down on the pile of clothes putting her head in her hands. Maura found her sitting there when she returned from the bedroom with the towels and Jane's t-shirt.
"Jane?" She lifted her head this time; progress Maura thought. But she didn't speak. Instead she held her hand up in explanation. Maura went into the kitchen to find her scene bag and came back a minute later with two latex gloves which she placed over Jane's bandaged hand, forgoing the fingers because Jane couldn't get them in fully the way her hand was wrapped up.
Maura stood bringing Jane up with her and felt the detective slip her arms around her neck, burrowing her face into her neck, tears falling. Maura held her tight as she heard the detective whisper "Why do they do it? Why? Kyle has no mother now Kia is dead. It's too much. I can't cope anymore"
It was Maura's turn to be silent because she knew Jane didn't actually want the answer to those questions, nor did she have answers for them. She took Jane's hand and walked her into to the bathroom. She began to undress as Jane watched her in a trance.
She turned to Jane and looked into her eyes waiting for permission as she approached her and slipped her arms around her upper body putting her fingers on the clasp of Jane's bra. Jane nodded as Maura freed her breasts from the confines of white cotton. She then reached behind and removed her own black and fuchsia lace bra. She reached down to the elastic of Jane's briefs which she stepped out of and removed her own black lace thong. She pulled Jane into to her arms and as their naked bodies met Jane shivered. She needed this contact. She needed to feel again.
Maura pulled open the shower door and turned to bring Jane with her into the massive stall with powerful rain showerhead. The steam was surrounding them in moments and the warm water cascaded over them as Jane remained in Maura's arms. Maura reached for some shower gel and began to massage Jane's back with it. Jane's body sagged into her as Maura's hands brought healing and comfort. She felt Maura pull slightly away and run her hands down the front of her body, over her breasts, slowly down her taut abs to her stomach and moving around to her ass to massage it. Jane's nails dug into Maura's lower back as she inhaled deeply feeling Maura's knead her lower back where she was carrying most of the pain from sitting all day.
"Ssshhh let me know if it hurts too much ok? I'm sorry I know it's sore"
Jane just nodded against Maura's chest. She felt Maura's hands slip to her waist then and turn her around as Maura grabbed some shampoo. She slowly massaged Jane's scalp and worked the knots out of her curls slowly with the tips of her fingers. She rinsed her hair and put a small amount of conditioner in to relax the curls, washing it out as she removed the last of the knots.
Jane was starting to shiver and Maura knew she needed to get her out of the shower and into her clothes quickly. She wasn't sure what was happening to Jane but remembering back to the time Jane had shot herself the reactions and emotions seemed quite similar. She wondered was it PTSD, was it delayed shock? She wasn't sure and that scared her. She just knew that the sooner she got Jane into some clothes and into her bed she'd be assured that she was safe and not going to run or hide if she was there with her for the night. At least she hoped she wouldn't.
She brought Jane out of the shower with her and handed her the towel. She wasn't sure the detective would even make an effort to dry her body but she made an attempt before Maura helped her into her Red Sox t-shirt and a pair of pyjama bottoms she owned. Maura grabbed the hair tie she kept handy for doing her make-up and Jane pulled her hair up. The water had hardly touched Maura's hair so she felt no need to dry it and she knew Jane didn't know which end of a hairdryer was up. She dried herself off and threw on robe having left her own pyjamas in the bedroom. Jane padded slowly ahead of her down the hall checking halfway to the bedroom to ensure Maura wasn't far behind.
The look in Jane's eyes as she stared at Maura almost broke her heart. She looked so vulnerable and lost. Maura moved faster and enveloped her in a hug from behind when she reached her just as she crossed the threshold to the bedroom.
Jane turned in her arms and they stood there for long minutes, the warmth of entangled bodies, the soft breathing, and the silent tears saying so much more than words ever could. Maura took Jane's hand and walked them slowly back towards the bed.
She pulled the blankets back and Jane slipped into her side, Maura pausing for a moment to slip on some pyjamas. She joined Jane and noticed that those eyes were starting at her again. They were slightly more familiar now but still vacant.
"How's your hand?" Maura had removed the gloves in the bathroom and as Jane held it up now for inspection Maura could see the bandage was bone dry and clean and the stitches were still in tact.
Maura brought Jane's hand to her mouth and placed a soft kiss on the bandage.
She lowered it to her stomach and curled herself into Jane's body placing a gentle kiss on the side of her head as she pillowed Jane's head on one of her arms and wrapped her other arm around her lower body. She felt Jane burrow into her neck again, a position that felt familiar and safe to the lost detective. She felt Jane's breathing slow against her neck as sleep overtook consciousness and she continued to stroke her back in a slow rhythm hoping, even though the rational medical practitioner knew it was nonsense, that even in sleep Jane would know she was there.
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Maura's hand was thrown roughly into the air and her heart was pounding as she heard screams from beside her. Jane was sitting bold upright in the bed t-shirt stuck to her back with sweat, hair plastered to her face with the same.
She was shaking so much it was moving the bed.
Maura sat up instantly and moved to kneel in front of her best friend on the bed.
"Jane, Jane. Honey it's me. Jane wake up!" The panic in Maura's voice as she took Jane's shoulders and jostled them woke Jane from the most horrific dream.
Kia Maura and Kyle were in an alley and a dark hooded figure was approaching them. Maura was screaming for the figure to kill her but not Kia and Kyle who Kia had cradled in her arms. Jane was watching from the end of the alley, but was paralysed with fear and couldn't move. She was screaming at Frost and Korsak to help but her voice wasn't coming out. She felt in her dream as she felt in real life, useless. The figure turned and she saw that it was Hoyt smiling as he began to slit Maura's throat. It was point she began to scream waking Maura from a fitful sleep.
Maura slowly brought Jane back down on the bed to lie against her. The detective had an almost vice like grip on her best friends arms.
"Jane, can you look at me for a minute?" Maura wanted to ascertain Jane's level of consciousness. She watched as Jane turned to look her straight in the eye.
"You're alive?" Jane said, almost in a trance like state. Maura knew better than to reason with a dream. She'd watched Jane as she struggled through nightmares before but this time it was different. This time the nightmares seemed to be taking over her life as opposed to only her sleep.
"Yes I'm alive. It was a nightmare Jane. Whatever you saw wasn't real. I'm here"
Jane released one of Maura's arms and reached up to touch her face as if to make sure. She ran her fingertips lightly across Maura's cheekbone and brought her hand to the side of her face to cup her cheek.
"You're alive" It wasn't a question this time; more a relieved statement.
"I'm here Jane, I'm alive and so are you". She took Jane's hand from her cheek and held it to her chest. "Can you feel my heart beating?"
Jane nodded as she moved her head down close to the soothing sound.
"I love you" Jane said it so quietly Maura almost didn't hear.
"I love you too Jane" came the tentative reply. She felt the brunette's arms slip around her neck and pull her in for a gentle kiss, foreheads coming together and resting as they pulled away.
"I need it to stop Maur"
"We'll stop it together honey I promise"
She felt Jane nod gently against her and pull her close.
"Don't ever leave me"
"Never my darling. Never"
Sleep overcame them as the promises whispered calmed the air and helped Jane to breath again.
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A/N My usual M Rated stuff didn't feel right at the end of this. Jane was too far-gone for Maura to actually go there. It seemed more important that Jane know there was a way to survive. I always thought the aftermath of Jane's PTSD was kind of glossed over so I gave it a bit more time. Hope it read ok. As always let me know if it worked and if you'd like anything done different. Going back to Rolivia for a while now. But the odd idea might pop up for these two as S4 continues.