May to December

Chapter 5: Elena: Work, Dating and Their Discontents

A FF7 Fan Fic

by

Lady Aoi

Summary: Elena begins working for Professor Hojo, much to "the guys'" displeasure. But what does Scarlet have to do with any of this?

Parings: Elena/Hojo and Scarlet/Hojo. Yep. Old Hojo. 

Rating: R. So rated for language, adult situations, Turkiness and Hojoness.

Disclaimer: The awesome Elena and the lovely Hojo do not belong to me. Neither does the equally incredible Scarlet, Heidegger, Sephiroth, Reno, Rude, Tseng and anyone else from FFVII who wanders into this fic out of curiosity. They are all copyright Square Soft. Please don't sue me for loving them to distraction! 

Lady Aoi's Notes: I'm sorry for the lateness of the updates. I had Chapter 5 all but done, but then the disc I was working on went… well, bad, somehow and erased half of the story. I got frustrated and took a break for awhile, to give Palmer, Heidegger and Scarlet some fics and to work on my novel. Expect updates to return to normal now that I've learned my lesson about discs the hard way. SAVE AND SAVE OFTEN, kids ^^;!

~*~

            "Soooo, 'Lena. What's the new job like? You seen any fucked up human experiments yet? BLAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

            "Oww! Jeeze, Reno!" I wince and hold my ear as Reno's 30 bajillion-decible scream tears through my head. "Yell like that again and I'll just let your damn bike fix itself!"

            And of course, Reno takes this real serious. He just snorts and shoves his face into mine while pulling his lower eyelids down and sticking his tongue out.

            "I'm one of Professor Hojo's experiments! And I vant to schuck youd blooogd! Blah blah blaaaaah!!"

            "Arrrgh! Rude, tell your buddy to knock it off or I'll jamb this socket wrench right up his ass. Then his face'll stay like that forever!"

            "Fuck, your mouth's getting nasty, 'Lena! Who the fuck teaches you to talk shit like that?"

            The rim on the basket pings as Rude misses the next shot. "You guys are messing up my game."

            "Not that I mind," Tseng chuckles the ball rolls over to his feet. "Rude here's buying if he loses... or should I say when he loses?"

            Rude just looks at him and shakes his head. I shrug and go back to work fixing the spokes on Reno's bike. It's Saturday afternoon and for once we've decided to take it easy. We're hanging out in the old neighborhood in Sector 5 where we grew up... well, some of us, that is. Tseng didn't grow up here. If he had, you better believe I wouldn't've spent the night of my seventeenth birthday in the back of Blake "Peedy" Parker's beat up old car. Eww! He even smelled like peedy, too, and that made the whole thing just that much worse! No, I bet if Tseng had been their instead, he woulda been a real gentleman. He woulda put some romantic music on the radio, maybe brought a bottle of champagne, or maybe even chocolates and flowers. All Peedy brought was some chocolate flavored lube, and it was old and tasted like crap. And I'd bet real Gil Tseng doesn't think 'foreplay' is a football term. Or that foreplay is football, either. Ugh. That's just so sad he was born all the way over in Wutai. I bet he made some girl over there real happy, lucky bitch.

            Wowwwww. They've been playing for an hour and Tseng hasn't even broke a sweat! And he's kicking Rude's butt, too! Now that -- *that* is the kinda guy I wanna marry! Only I'd order him to take his shirt off every time he played Rude or -- hehe-- NO SEX FOR YOU, TONIGHT MISTER! Yeah. Mhh... shirt less Tseng.... waiiiiiii...

            "What the -- shit, 'Lena, stop undressing Tseng with your eyes and fix my damn bike!"

            Meep! "Hu-what?!" I yelp as I blink blink my way back from the lovely wedding and 2.4 kids Tseng and I are gonna have to the harsh reality of Reno barking in my face.

            "Yeah, we all know you want him, but can you keep your priorities straight, please? God almighty."

            "I -- I wasn't looking at anything!" I eep as I grab my wrench and duck my head down to finish unbending the spokes. Reno's suck a freaking jerk. Someday when he has a crush on someone, I swear I'm gonna seize control of the Shinra Emergency Broadcast System and announce it to the whole world. Haha! That'll show him.

            "Uh-huh, right," Reno snorts. He plunks down next to me and throws an arm around my shoulders. "So, 'Lena, really now. How is it working for that dried up old stick of a professor?"

            I shrug out of his hold and bang the wrench into the spoke. "He's not dry and he's not an old stick, either," I tell him. "He's actually a pretty cool guy."

            "Yeah, and I also have a beachfront property in Sector Two I'd like to sell you."

            "Cut it out, Reno!" Damn, this spoke's bent funny. "There's nothing wrong with Professor Hojo!"

            "Well, aside from the dead bodies in his freezer, I'm sure he's just peachy."

            "What bodies?! Reno, for the last time, he's not some psycho mad scientist from a cheep horror movie! He usually just works on the computer all day and drinks coffee," Reno just snorts. "Okay, so maybe he's a bit nasty to some of the technicians, but so? He's not even ten percent as bad as Heidegger."

            "Well, okay. So I guess you won't mind telling us all about what a day as his ... ahem... personal secretary's like, then?"

            "Yeah, I would, 'cause it's none of your damn business!"

            Too late, though, Reno's already calling the guys over.

            "Hey, Rude, Tseng! Get over here! 'Lena's gonna spill her guts about Professor Fuckenstein."

            "And stop calling him that!" But too late, Tseng's already coming over. Aghgghghhg! I could just hit Reno sometimes!

            "Now this is a story I'd love to hear," Tseng says.

            "But what about the..." Rude just shrugs and drops the ball. From the look on his face, I can guess he's probably buying drinks for us tonight. I wait until the guys and Tseng are all settled down around me before I start.

            "Well, basically, working for Professor Hojo's kinda like --"

            Yeah, I know I didn't complete that thought. It's 'cause I didn't say anything really important. I just told the guys and Tseng that the Professor doesn't like to answer the telephone, and that all the technicians are scared of him even though he doesn't hit or even yell, really. He's sarcastic, witty, real impatient…and he drinks a lot of coffee. No, a *lot* of coffee. No, Reno, he does not climb up into the rafters and make mad monkey noises after his tenth cup! Pay attention! And he's also real protective of his specimens. Reno got a real kick out of the fact that Hojo calls them 'my precious specimens', and then made some sick crack involving my boss and a bikini-clad slime mold from Costa del Sol. And that's when I just told them that work was pretty boring and to stop bugging me. And finally they got bored and went back to their basketball game and left me alone to fix the bike.

            Needless to say, I didn't tell them the whole story.

            Here's what I left out. Three months ago, after making an ass out of myself by dropping my box of office stuff for the second time in ten minutes, Professor Hojo helped me clean the stuff up and walked me to his – our office.

            "Well, here we are," he said as he walked to the middle of the room and swept his arms out for effect. "Home sweet home… be it ever so humble."

            I wasn't even in that room for ten seconds and already I was freezing. Oh, the temperature was fine, but the color scheme? Everything in this room is grey, white, blue or black. And I mean everything except the wilted little aloe plant on top of a cabinet, and even it looks kinda grayish brown. Hey. He's a scientist, so he should know better! That poor plant needs light and air to grow! The entire south wall is covered with filing cabinets. One long cabinet running along the east, north and west walls and broken only by a locked metal door. A really ugly white and grey desk sits in the northwest corner. I guessed that was mine, unless it was Hojo's chair and he expected me to sit in his lap and take letters or something like that. Eek. That was random! There are also two windows in the room, both shaped like ovals. They pretty much cover half of the east and west walls, the top part that isn't taken up by that really weird cabinet that's been grafted into the room's walls.

            "This will be your new office, Ms. Marshall."

Cheery. "Uh... it's ... nice I guess," I told him.

            He shrugged. He probably could have cared less. "Now, my office is through that door." He indicated the locked metal door. Well, I decided, guess we wouldn't be sharing a desk or a chair then, thank god. "Please do not enter it unless it is absolutely necessary for you to do so." He gave me a thin-lipped smile. "And that is not because I have human body parts lying around, Ms. Marshall. I simply like my privacy."

            "Uhm... okay." I really hope he's not gonna make a habit of bringing up this whole human experimentation thing. I mean, I'd just come out of a coma when I asked him about it, for heck's sake! But I got the feeling already that my new boss had a weird sense of humor, so I decided he wouldn't ever stop teasing me about this.

            The rest of the walk through was pretty basic, and just like I told the guys and Tseng. Coffee machine here. Computer there. Have coffee ready at all times during the day. All times! All times, Ms. Marshall. Not just mornings. Every minute! Switch computer on like this. Go to this file for work. Use computer to find out where 70,000 files have been lost and/or rearranged by 'that unfortunate accident we had a few months ago" and a bunch of bumbling technicians that outta be shot. Yes, Ms. Marshall, if you want target practice, feel free to do so. Do I really mean that? You tell me. Back to your duties. Track files down and return them to proper place. Answer the phone, dear. Did he just call me dear? Never interrupt the professor in his office and certainly *not* with a phone call. Make up any excuse I have to for idiot on other end of line. Be creative! Pretend I don't know the language or something. Bottom line: do as Hojo says, stay out of Hojo's way and Hojo will give me a raise. Hojo likes people that stay out of Hojo's way. Hojo has ways of not rewarding people that don't. Giggle giggle giggle giggle Hehehehehehe HA HA!

            God, he's weird.

            And then Professor Hojo shuffled into his office and shut the door. And that was it for introductions. So, I decided I'd better just sit down, suck up the fact the room reminded me of the hospital, and get to work.

            And work is about all I do for the next few months. Wow, someone really goofed with these files! It's like a huge whirlwind just tore through the records department and rearranged everything by random. I mean, I find a page from a file labeled Cetra-21B in a file labeled 'Wutai Strata Findings', and that's clear on the other end of the alphabet! Argh, this work can be so frustrating! Especially because the phone's always ringing, or some lab assistant is always wandering in to see Hojo with some stupid problem like "sir, the vending machine is broken again!" Uhm… okay, so not really on that last one. I fixed the vending machine last Tuesday, and no one ever really bugged Hojo about it, either. I was just kidding.

            But don't get me wrong. The work really *is* hard. And kind of boring some days, too. I mean, I just sit there in this little room all day sorting files on a computer, making coffee and every now and then saying hello to Hojo if he happens to come back into his office from… somewhere. That and regular secretary work, of course. Man, Hojo's great to work for and everything but… Ohhh, dammit! Why the hell did this have to happen?! I mean, if those stupid cadets would've just shown up like they were supposed to, I could be training now… or hell, who knows? Maybe on my way to making Turk. And instead, here I am in this freezing, ugly office with the most anti-social guy in the world sitting twelve feet away from me! And I'm kinda hungry and it's only eleven thirty, but…

            Oh screw it. I'm taking my lunch break.

            I press the intercom button. "Professor?" Yeah, I know the drill. It's never a good idea to bother him unless the building's on fire. And even then....but he did say he wants to be told when I'm going or coming back from anywhere.

            "Yes?"

            "Uhm… I'm gonna take my lunch break now, if that's okay?"

            "Hmm…" I literally hold my breath as he pauses. And I know just what his face looks like now, too. I bet anything I do. He's got his chin resting in his left hand, his eyes are squinting slightly, his head tipped forward Isn't it a little early for lunch, Ms. Marshall?"

            Heh. Like he'd know. He never eats. "Uhm…well, okay I guess it can wait then." I'll just ignore my stomach rumbling for the next hour by trying to figure out what kinda drugs whoever screwed these files up was on. And whether or not I should ask for some.

            "Hmm…" I bet anything he's still looking at that speaker with his chin resting in his hand, thinking with that thoughtful look on his face. It's… he does that a lot. He usually giggles after doing so, and I wonder for a moment if he's about to giggle at me.

But he doesn't. "Very well, then," he finally says.

            I sit bolt up right. "Huh? Really?"

            And *then* comes the giggle. "Ms. Marshall, I am not your babysitter, nor am I your jailer. You are free to take your lunch hour whenever you wish, provided that you inform me before hand. And I only ask this in order to avoid confusion and aggravation on both our parts."

            Huh. Well, that was easy and painless enough, I guess. I'm not sure I know what to say but "T--thank you, sir."

            "It's quite alright. But would you be a dear and bring me back a croissant? I'm afraid I won't have time to get one this afternoon."

            Huh? A croissant? Didn't he eat breakfast or something? "Sir? Is that all you want for lunch?"

            "Yes. That is all I want for lunch."

            "Oh…" God, does he *ever* eat any *real* food?! "Okay then…I'll get you one."

            The intercom clicks off. I sigh and reach over to put my computer on stand by. I must not take it personally… I must not take it personally…. But damn. You think it'd kill the guy to say "thank you" every now and then! Jeeze!

            Ugh. I am so dreading going to lunch today. True, I need the break, but the food they serve in the cafeteria is just… blargh. If I eat one more cup of cream tomato soup with stale bread and limp salad I am going to say up with the proletariat and claim the kitchen for the people's good.

            Either that or I'm going to eat out today.

            Hm… I glance down at my watch. It's 11:03 right now so… hrm. Ten, maybe fifteen minutes to walk to Midgar Plaza, twenty to get my food and enjoy it somewhat at a normal pace… and lets say twenty to get back to my desk, just in case… oh, and to pick up Hojo's croissant. Hrm… Hrm…

            Aw, hell. It's cutting it kinda close but I'm gonna chance it. I really don't think I can stand eating crap today.

            A few floors down, a few staircases, a few elevators and… presto! I'm outside in the street. And making pretty good time, too. Only 11:10. Seven minutes to get to the Plaza and my favorite place of all time…

            The Chocobo and Mog. No, it's not just a bar! And the only one isn't in the slums. It's a franchise… and rightly so! They make the best hamburgers anywhere! And I really, really want a hamburger right now. And some fries. And a really, really freakin' big … cola. And eeeee! They have apple pie again! And a big slice of apple pie, too! Wow! And the best thing is, they get your food to you real fast… and even if it takes awhile, you can watch chocobo races on the big screen TV. Hm. I wonder if I could do that, because it sure looks like fun…

            "Elena?"

            Mhh… yeah….I can just see it all now… the roar of the crowds… the smell of sweat in the air… sweat and money... we're at the Golden Saucer. And the races are just about to start. Shhh. The bookie's taking the last bets right now!

Place yer bets, folks! Place yer bets! Thank you ma'am, thank ya sir… And who will you be betting on today, Mr. Palmer? Huh? Lard? No, sir. We don't have a Chocobo named Lard. Please make another selection. Eh? Golden Lightning? Ahhh. You mean the chocobo owned and ridden by the illustrious Elena Marshall herself! Yessir, raised him from a tiny little egg, she did. In between juggling her jobs as a weapons technician, mechanic, secretary and soldier. What's that, Mr. Heidegger? You remember beating her up once for doing a good job? Security, escort Mr. Heidegger from the building immediately! We mustn't have him upsetting our star jockey, ya know…

"Yo, 'Lena! Who-whoo!"

Thank ya, ma'am. Yep. Marshall's got great odds. Wins every nine outta ten races. Sometimes ten outta ten, too. You'll get triple return for your money, I guarantee it! Ohh. Look who just entered the stadium. That's Reno Larson, Marshall's biographer. And with him's her agent Rodger Miller. Big bald guy. Goes by the name of 'Rude'.  Ohh. You wanna know who that sexy guy with 'em is? Sorry, babe. He's taken. That's Tseng Nakahara. Marshall's husband. Comes to see her race every day, even if he is a Turk and a full-time Daddy, too! And ain't their ten kids just the cutest?!

"…… 'Lena…….?"

Eeee. No. Not ten kids. That's way too many. Maybe four… or three. Yeah. Three's a good size for a family. Where was I…?

Everyone knows she's the best. Look at all her adoring fans out there in the crowd. Huh… who's that in the corner? Is it… nooohhhhh….

"Elena? Eleeeeeenaaaaaaa…! Elena?"

            Why, it's… it's none other than Professor Simon Hojo himself. Huh. Wonder what a busy guy like that could be doin' here.

            "…..'Lena?"

            Wow, he's sure a forward one! Look at him walk right up to the starting line and… what's that? Can it be…

            "Elena?!"

            It's a bunch of red roses… and he's presenting them to Marshall!

            "Elena?!"

            He's getting down on one knee folks and holding the roses up. And the look on his face? He's giggling. The man is actually giggling! Woah! Hold the phone! And so's Marshall! She's getting off the chocobo…

            "Elena!!"

            She's sitting on his knee…

            "Elena!!!"

            She's leaning in… she's smiling… he's smiling…. Aaaand we have make out! Hubba hubba hubba hubba. Look at 'em go! Woo-hoo!

            "ELENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

            "GYAAAAAAHHHH!!!" I practically jump out of my chair as Reno's yelling practically bursts both my ear drums. "HOLY SHIT!!! WHAT?!? WHAT WHAT WHAAAAT?!?"

            I can feel the color draining right out of my face as I realize something. The entire restaurant is staring at us. Including Tseng and Rude, who looks like he's about to choke on his hamburger.

            "Eeeeee…"

            "God damn, 'Lena," Reno shakes his head and pokes a finger into his ear. "And you say I'm loud? Fuck."

            "Reno," I grit my teeth and give everyone a shy wave. "What the heck are you doing here?"

            "Funny, we all were wondering the same about you. Aren't you s'posed to be strapped to some table and being experimented on by Professor Fuckhead right now?"

            He just *had* to mention the professor at a time like this. "Reno…. Grrrahh… I'm here because I'm on lunch. And for the last time it's Professor HOJO!"

            "Hey. Hojo. Smojo. Blow-Joe. Whatever. Point is, we don't see you here at this timea day too often."

            "Oh please. Like you guys ever have time to get away for lunch, either." But now that he mentions it... "Hey… Reno."

            "What what what whaaaat?!" He winks and sticks his tongue out at me. Arrgh. Why does he always have to be so stupid and annoying?!

            "Hey, quit mocking me! Why are you guys eating out today?"

            He shoves his hands in his pocket and rolls his eyes at me. "Can't a buncha Turks eat outside the cafeteria without the whole world freaking out about it?"

            I shake my head. God, he's so exasperating! "That's not what I meant! I mean…" And then it dawns on me. Like that light bulb that appears over the coyote's head in cartoons when he gets a bright idea or clues into something. I just blink and staaaaare at Reno, who's grinning and pointing at his blue suit. His dark blue… Turks… suit.

…

A quick glance over at the counter shows me that Rude's wearing exactly the same thing. Only his looks like he didn't sleep in it.

Holy shit….

"You mean…?"

Reno nods.

"You and Rude…?"

He nods again.

"Oh… RENO!!" And then I'm grinning and hugging him like an idiot.

"Hey, hey woah! WOAH!" But he chuckles and pats my hair. "Don't get all mushy now. We Turks have a reputation to keep up."

"Reputation, my ass!" I pull back and smooth his hair out. "Hey, Reno… that's just so…"

I feel Rude's hand on my shoulder. "'S pretty incredible, isn't it? Even Tseng didn't know Heidegger was planning on it." He wraps his arms around my waist and rests his head on my shoulder. "Then again, Heidegger's pretty impossible to figure out."

"Ahh, hell with Heidegger!" Reno slaps his hand down on the counter top. "Hey, barkeep…"

"Lord, don't say it," Tseng whimpers from somewhere behind us. I don't even have to look to know he's got his head in his hands.

"Baaaarkeep…" Reno says the word as if it were a personal challenge to Tseng.

"….Reno, must I remind you it's only twelve-thirty in the afternoon?" Reno shoots Rude a dirty look and I feel his chuckle rumbling against my back. "…but when has that ever stopped us?"

"Tseng?" Reno gives his boss a smirk. "'Cmon, live a little, Wing Nut. We don't gotta be back at work for a few hours."

"Alright, alright," Tseng grumbles. Awww. He's such a cutie when he's upset. Makes me just wanna walk right over there and pinch his cheeks! "But only one, Larson. Is that understood?!"

"Oh, sir yes sir!" Reno fake-salutes and then slaps his hand down on the bar. "Yo, Barkeep! Drinks for everyone!"

"What the --?!" Tseng's voice sounds real loud in the silence that follows. "And just who do you think will pay for that, Reno?!"

Uh-oh. Reno's smirking like he does right when someone's about to catch hell. "Easy, jeffe. Because you're gonna pay for it."

Rude and I both turn at the same time to see Tseng's reaction. His left eye kind of twitches, and I know I see a few beads of sweat slide down his forehead. "Reno…"

"Well, I sure as hell don't got that much Gil. Think they paid me 'n' Rude just for being promoted?" Reno chuckles and rolls his eyes. "Oh, jefe, jefe, jefe, jef-fe. That ain't how Heidegger works. You of all people outta know that." His smirk only gets wider as he saunters over to Tseng. "'Sides. They watch ya like a hawk here when you offer to buy a round. No getting out unless you do. Unless, of course, you wanna blow our cover and pull out a can of Turk whoop-ass."

Tseng just slaps his hand down on the bar so hard a bowl of pretzels next to him literally jumps up. "I'll be paying," he grumbles to the bar tender as he shoots Reno a nasty look. "But this is coming out of your salary, Larson."

"Larson?! What the fuck, Tseng?! We've been friends for, what, over a year now and I get a promotion and suddenly I'm just my last name to you?!?"

"Larson, lower your voice. You've made enough of a spectacle of yourself today."

"Spectacle?!"

Rude chuckles again and hugs me a bit closer. "They've been going like this all day. Reno thinks it's the Alpha Male in them both. I think Tseng's just finally become one of our gant. You gonna drink with us, 'Lena?"

"Hell, yeah!" I turn my head back to grin at Rude as Reno and Tseng begin arguing full force. Oh yeah. I think I buy that whole Alpha Male line. "Midori sour, just like always."

"Such a girl!" Reno pulls out of his argument to shout at me. I stick my tongue out at him as I detangle myself from Rude's arms.

"Yeah, and don't you forget it either! Or next time I'll just let your bike sit there and rust. The hell you do to it anyway? Run over it with a truck?"

"That's classified information!" Reno shouts. I make a face. He makes one back and tries to punch my arm.

"Oww! Christ, 'Lena! That's one helluva right hook you're packing these days! You learn that from fighting Professor Cornhole off or something?"

"Reno, dammit, don't call him that! The man's name is –"

Professor Hojo.

…. Professor Hojo.

…. It's twelve forty-five.

….I was supposed to be back at work almost an hour ago.

…..Obviously, I'm not back at work now.

"Eeeeeeeeee…."

"Huh? The guy's first name is E? E what? Eliot? Erwin? E-gor? Oi, 'Lena? The hell you running off too?"

"Sorry, don't have time to explain! I'm late to work!"

"Huh?"

"I'MLATETOWORK!!!" And I'm off like a shot then, despite Reno's attempts to call me back 'cause "Your Midori's ready, wing nut!"

But I don't have time to think about Midoris now! I'm so late! I'm so late! Eeeeeeee! I'm so so *so* dead!!! I jump down the last flight of stairs or so and pelt out of the mall. Good thing I never wear heels or I'd have a broken ankle to deal with on top of everything right now.

Oh my god oh my god oh my god!! I'm so dead!! When Hojo says you take an hour lunch he really *means* you take an hour lunch! I saw him yell at this technician once who came in like five minutes late from lunch. And that technician wasn't there the next day! I know because I had to type up his pink slip myself! Oh my god oh my god!

I push past a girl in a pink dress selling flowers. In fact, I probably knocked her over. And while that's bad and stuff, I just don't have time to help her get up right now! Okay okay… I have about five minutes running like this to get back to Shinra, Inc. Another three up the stairs. Oh god! It'll be one pm before I get back! Alright, brain. Think. Okay, I need an excuse… I need a damned good excuse because I'm not gonna have my entire chances of actually going somewhere in Shinra ruined just 'cause I made some stupid little mistake that a guy like Palmer wouldn't even notice! Arrrgh! I can't think about that right now! Okay okay… I know! I'll throw myself down the stairs over there and break my leg! Yes! Perfect! Then he'll have to understand because…eeee, no! I can't do that! That's crazy! Okay something preferably non-life or limb threatening! Uh… um… my mother died? No. She's been dead for years and he knows it. My… great uncle Dio? No! That won't work either! Uhm… okay okay…I got kidnapped by a guy riding a bicycle that looked like a chocobo –

URGH!! None of those will work!

Alright. I got it! And this is perfect! I'm late because – because I got lost on my way to find his croissant! Yes! That's it! I wanted to get him a special croissant because I know he eats at the cafeteria every day, so I went out to find a bakery and couldn't find it and got turned around and –

Hey, if I was doing something nice for him, and something that he asked me to, he can't be too harsh, right? And I can take him cutting my paycheck (ouch, I know, but still…). But I just have to keep my job here!

The elevator takes forever to get me back to the 68th floor. But I guess that's a good thing. I can perfect my story on the way up. As the doors ding open on my stop, I've smoothed the whole thing out like so:

I got lost on the way to the bakery.

Yeah, just that. Hojo doesn't like long, really drawn-out excuses. And it'd probably just sound all fake, anyway, if I tried to make it any more complicated than that.

I come running into the office at full speed, half expecting to find my boss leaning over my desk and scowling at me. But I'm fully surprised to find that the room is empty. I check the clock. One oh three.

…

'Kay, that's… strange. Unless he's waiting in his office to pounce on me the second I sit down!! Uh-oh… what should I do? Just stand here? Should I call back and tell him the story or should I do it in person? I know his rule about not being bothered but… but doing this over the phone just seems so…

And it's about then that something makes up my mind.

I hear giggling coming out of Hojo's office. And not his giggling, although he giggles to himself sometimes in there. I should know. I'm usually out here when he does. But this can't be his voice. It's too high. It's too loud.

And I've never heard Hojo go "Kyahahahahaha!" before.

Kyahahahaha… where've I heard that before?

Well, at least someone's in there with him. So maybe I'll just go in. I mean, he can't murder me in front of another person, right?

I slowly push open the door. "Professor Hojo, I'm so sorry!" I blurt out as I enter. Yeah. That's it. Gotta show him how sorry I am right up front. Maybe then he'll go easier on me. "But I was looking for your lunch and I got –"

My heart absolutely freezes at what I see then.

Oh shit. I have so picked the wrong time!

My boss is currently standing in the middle of the room looking rumpled and thoroughly pissed off at me. And I now know who the 'kyahaha' person was, too. She's currently wearing nothing but stockings and a teddy the color of her name: Red.

Urrgh. Wait. Scarlet. I meant to say Scarlet. I'm just so mixed up right now.

"Kyahaha! Simon, you didn't tell me you had a new secretary!" Scarlet cackles as she slinks her way over to me.

"She never came up," Hojo says as he straightens his tie. Oh god. If he wasn't gonna kill me already…

I can't help but blush as Scarlet slides a finger under my chin and tilts my head up. Wow. Talk about cleavage you could ski down! "You're very pretty, dear," she coos. "What is your name?"

Somehow I manage to squeak out an "Elena Marshall."

"Well, I am sorry to disturb your work, Elena Marshall. Simon and I were just conducting a little business…isn't that right, Simon?"

My boss is too busy buttoning his lab coat up to comment right now, so Scarlet just turns back to me. "Can you hand me my dress, please? It's on the…" she gestures up and gives me this secretive little smile. Oh yeah. I see where the dress is. And I so don't even wanna know how it got to swinging around on the fan.

"Uh… I'll get a chair." Oh, brilliant, Elena! She probably thinks you're an idiot now. And the fact that I clock my knee against the chair as I climb up into it doesn't make things any better. Scarlet just stands there, hands on hips as I reach up and snag the dress from the ceiling fan. Hojo just busies himself with tiding up his already ultra-tidy desk. Yeah. I passed wanting to sink through the floor and die a long time ago.

"Mmh, thank you," Scarlet says as she takes the dress from me. She shimmies into it slowly and pulls both straps up over her shoulders. And then she turns around. "Would you be a dear and zip me up, Elena?"

"Um… okay," and feeling like the world's biggest freak, I get off the chair and do as she asks. But jeeze! The slits on her dress are so high that I wonder why she even bothers. The teddy almost covered more. The zipper catches a bit on some of the lace, but finally I manage to get it all the way up. And when I'm done, Scarlet turns around and smiles.

"I'd better be going now, Simon. The Weapons Department calls," she offers me a gloved hand. "It was so nice to meet you, Ms. Marshall."

"Uh… yeah. You too." I take her hand and give it a shake. It smells like violets. And my boss.

Scarlet 'Kyahahas' again as she slings her red purse over her shoulder and opens the door to my office. "Oh, and Simon? I'll see you tonight, hmm?"

"Good bye, Scarlet." Eeeee… not a pleasant goodbye, either. I bet he's not happy with…

Wait a second.

Did she say "I'll see you tonight"?!?!? Ohhhh! That little sh—wait. What am I saying?! Hojo is my boss. And I don't care who or what he's sleeping around with. No. Not at all. Even if I happen to walk in on them doing worse next time. Not even if I end up seeing her tied to his desk, and covered in whipped cream with strawberries where her nipples should be. Not even if I see my boss…

Urgh! Why is this bugging me?? I knew a guy like Hojo, I mean a guy who's that smart and sophisticated and… well, it makes sense for him to have a mistress, right? But… damn it! At least he could have told me or something! I mean I am his secretary, right?? What if he'd had an appointment or – or worse! What if President Shinra had just walked on in and demanded to see him?! How do you think it would have looked if I'd called back into his office only to hear Scarlet moaning all over the loud speaker? Well, okay. So Shinra wouldn't have seen it but still! It leaves a bad impression, okay? And I don't want my boss getting himself into trouble because –

"Elena."

"Eee! Yes?" Oh. Right. I have to deal with this whole being late thing now. God, this is so not my day!

"When you came into the room, I believe you were trying to tell me something?" He has… oh god! He has a LIPSTICK stain on his collar! I'm just gonna ignore it… I'm ignoring it… la la la la la… this is me IGNORING it! "Uh… yeah… it was…well…I'm late because…because…" And there's one on his face too! Oh my god! Oh my god! I'm… and the way she just… like he was just some conquest or thing or… or….  "Because I…"

"Because?" He prompts me.

"I…" And then suddenly I'm crying. Just like that, I start crying. And nothing I say makes any sense. Dimly, it sounds to me like I just told him I was abducted by a croissant that took me to the mall to buy a flower girl. And that – that makes no fucking sense at all but… but I just can't stop crying…

"Elena," I nearly eep through my tears as Hojo slides an arm around my shoulder and gently pillows my head against his chest. I – ooooookay. Now I'm really blushing. Blushing and crying and he's… slowly, he begins rocking us back and forth. Back and forth. And then he slides his hand over my hair.

"Shh… it's perfectly alright, Ms. Marshall."

Huh?! Did he just say what I think he did? I try to ask him this, but somehow it just comes out as "Mughhhgllbubb?"

"I understand completely," Hojo whispers as he pats my shoulder. "You simply lost track of the time. It's alright. Things like that happen sometimes. And while I prefer them to happen infrequently, I would hardly discipline you for one minor mistake in five months of otherwise exemplary work."

"Ex—exemplary?" I choke.

"Yes. Exemplary," I can feel his heart beating. It's stately, elegant, just like him. And his breath kind of tickles my ear when he speaks. It's… nice. And for a moment, I almost forget he has a girlfriend. "Ms. Marshall, you are, without a doubt, the best secretary I have ever employed, if not one of the best employees I have ever had."

I blush. He can't really mean that… can he? "R—really?"

"Indeed, Ms. Marshall, I am not a man to praise lightly," He pats my shoulder again and then slides away from me. "Now, why don't you take a moment before returning to the office, hmm? Go get a drink of water, maybe some coffee, and take a few deep breaths before settling down again."

I can't believe it! Here I thought he was gonna kill me… or feed me to that dog-thingy of his that he keeps in the other room. Urgh. Stop it, Elena! He's not that kinda guy!

"Okay," I nod and rub my hand across my nose.

"Here," Hojo winces and hands me a tissue. "I believe you will find this to be more effective than your wrist, Ms. Marshall."

"Thanks," I blush even darker, if that was possible, and blow my nose in what I hope is a delicate manner. "So, I'll just…"

He nods and pushes his glasses up his nose. "Yes. Go get a drink. Sit down. Breathe deeply. And then get back to work."

"Okay," I almost trip as I begin backing towards the door. I can't stop looking at him… at this guy that… I mean, wow. He just hugged me. Professor Hojo just *hugged* me! I didn't know he did stuff like that…

Well, at least I didn't until I saw Scarlet in here.

Ugh. Okay, I'm so not gonna think about her right now or I'll start crying again. I'm just gonna wave good bye to my boss (who's waving and smiling back at me), turn around, go into my office, close the door and…

"EEEEEE…"

Hojo. Just. Hugged. Me.

And he smelled like…

Grrr. Like Scarlet's ugly old violets. Ugh! Okay, I'm gonna drink some coffee, put on my head phones and…

And then I notice it again. The little starving plant up on the cupboard. The one I haven't seen or thought about in months. Huh. Apparently no one else thought of it either, because it's still up there and still looking brown and unhappy.

"Hey there," if I stand up on my tip-toes I can just reach it. And after a few tries, I actually manage to pull the little thing down. "Long time no see," I'm talking to a plant. Huh. Oh well. Like this day hasn't been surreal enough already. I tap its soil with my index finger and come up with a dried clump of the stuff under my nail. Okay. That's not good. But strangely enough, the little plant still seems to be alive.

"Why don't you come over and sit on my desk?" I ask it as I walk across the room. Ahh. If I just push the pictures of the guys to the right a little… yeah. There we go. I put the plant down right between the picture of me, Reno and Rude that got taken on Reno's twentieth birthday and the stuffed bear Tseng gave me. The first thing I'm gonna do is give it a little water. I steal some from the coffee maker and gently pour it from my mug into the dried and cracking soil. Wow, is that actual dust I see? Gosh, I wonder who owned this thing, and why they felt it was okay to just wander off and leave it here for no one to look after. "Here you go… drink up," I tell it. And when the water is gone, I sit back down and turn my computer on again. But I don't get a lot of work done for the rest of the day. I keep thinking of smelly Scarlet and Hojo… and sometimes I could swear I could hear my new plant drinking.

~*~

I am so gonna kill Reno.

Here it is, half an hour after work gets out and the jerk isn't here to pick me up yet!! Ahrgh! I bet I know where he is, too. Him and Rude probably took off for some bar to celebrate getting promoted. And meanwhile, I get to stand out here in the rain waiting for… what? A bus? A ride from a complete stranger? Or the guts to just say "stuff it", walk the fifty blocks to my apartment, pick up the phone and scream death threats into Reno's answering machine? Ugh. Well, finally I decide to do the latter, and I'm just about to walk home when a black Shinra car pulls up a few yards away from me. I lift my bangs away from my eyes and peer through the rain to see if I can make out who it is as the door opens and a tall, dark and… ohh, very handsome man steps out.

"Elena?"

"Tseng? Is that you?" Oh, you better believe it is! Me-yow! And he's not wearing his jacket today! Eeee! You can practically see the muscles rippling through that white shirt! Wow…. Muscley Tseng…mhhhhh…

"Yes. Elena, is something the matter?"

Huh? "Oh! No, nothing at all!" I laugh and hurry towards him. "Just a bad day at work, I guess. Hey, you mind if I bum a ride off you? Stupid Reno never showed up today." And on today of all days, that's especially annoying and inconsiderate and just downright… well, rude! He's so gonna regret this the next time I see him!

Tseng nods and goes around to the other side of the car. "That's exactly why I'm here," he says as he opens the door. Wow, what a gentleman!

"Oh… thanks, I guess." And then I realize I haven't yet had enough sense to get out of the rain and scramble into the car without another word. A few seconds later, Tseng gets in on the drivers' side and closes his door.

We sit there a moment. And then Tseng leans over me and turns the heater on. "Reno and Rude are at The Chocobo and Mog with a few Shinra employees," he explains. "I'm sorry he didn't come for you, though. Party or not, that was highly inappropriate, and he will receive a reprimand from me first thing tomorrow morning."

Wow. "A public reprimand?"

Tseng is silent for a moment. "That's terribly cruel of you, Elena," he says as he starts the engine. For a moment, my heart almost drops down into my stomach. And then I see him smile. "But I like it. You wanna be there for the reprimand?"

"Oh please!"

Tseng gives me a full-fledged grin as we pull away. "You'd make a good Turk yourself, I can tell," he says. And then comes yet another long pause in which we both just stare at the rain as we drive. "Elena?"

"Huh?"

"I have something to ask you."

"Uhm… okay, shoot." Why does he sound a bit nervous all of a sudden?

"The party we're attending tonight is unofficial, but you probably realized that. In two weeks, Shinra is holding a sort of retirement party for the two Turks Mr. Larson and Mr. Miller are replacing."

"Um… alright."

"It is to be a very formal occasion. It will also involve dancing."

"Dancing?" Ohh… I think I'm beginning to see where this is going now…

"Yes. Dancing." Is it my imagination, or does he look just a little bit nervous? Hell, he can't possibly be as nervous as me right now! I feel like my stomach just abandoned ship (well… car, I guess). And I'm sweating like a glazed pig.

"Uh… Tseng? Where is this going?"

"…" He sighs. "Elena, if you aren't busy two weekends from now…"

"Yes?" Yes? Yes?!

"Would you, um…"

"Yes, Tseng?"

"Elena, would you teach me how to dance?"

….

Oh.

Oh that's great, buddy. Just fucking great.

"Yeah, sure," This has been the worst day of my life. "Of course I will." No kidding. Worst day of my whole miserable life. Think my step mom's murder was bad? Well, not as bad as this. This is like, ten times as bad as that was! I'm so not joking! "Yeah, we can do that."

"Really?" Tseng looks relieved. Yeah. Relieved he doesn't have to actually, oooh, I dunno, take me to the damned dance now! "Thank you, Elena."

"Sure, don't mention it," I say as we drive off into the night.

No really, jerk face. Don't mention it at all.

(End Part Five)