tell her to find me an acre of land, between the salt water and the sea strand...
xxx
Spoilers: Through s3
Story Characters/Pairings: Nathan/Audrey, Duke Crocker, Claire Callahan, Jordan McKee, Dwight Hendrickson, the Barn, Agent Howard, James Cogan
Story Rating: M
Chapter Rating: T
Chapter Warnings: None
Chapter Characters: Audrey Parker
Chapter Summary: She wonders, sometimes, what she is.
Author's Notes: So, I've been debating when to post this for months now. And I was inspired by today's trailer release, as I hate posting things once they're AU and it's only going to get worse from here!
This fic actually began as a mix, fondly known as "Fuckers With Feelings", that I started back in October/November when Shit Got Real. It's now 104 songs, 9 discs, and I THINK I'm going to call it done. Which I've said like 0293483 times but. Really this time.
That said, the reason I've debated posting this is I'm highly likely to want to go back and edit earlier chapters, as the fic isn't done yet and there's a larger mythology that I'm working in. SO, if you want to read this only when it's done and won't be edited any more, then wait. I'm HOPING to have it all done by s4 premiere, which is earlier than I'd thought (YAAAAAAAAAAAAY) but it's 104 freaking chapters and I didn't want to post it ALL in one go ;) It starts pre-finale, and then goes quite a bit post finale, so I really want it done by 9/13, and posting things tends to motivate me. A lot of the chapters could technically be read as one-shots as well, at least for the beginning.
I'm going to post the mix as well, probably spaced as 9 discs as I finish those sections of the fic.
Um, yeah this is a long A/N. If you actually read this far, COOKIES FOR YOU. Basically, read this fic at your own risk =P
Song for this chapter is "Scarborough Fair / Canticle".
[a hill in the deep forest green
tracing of sparrow on snow-crested brown
blankets and bedclothes, the child of the mountain
sleeps unaware of the clarion call
on the side of a hill, a sprinkling of leaves
washes the grave with silvery tears
a soldier cleans and polishes a gun
war bellows blazing in scarlet battalions
generals order their soldiers to kill
and to fight for a cause they've long ago forgotten]
xxx
She wonders, sometimes, what she is.
An angel, a demon, human? Troubled? A curse or a miracle? A harbinger of hope and despair, of life and death, dualities in balance.
For the most part.
She wonders if she's part of some massive cosmic game, just a pawn in someone's sick machinations. (A knight, Nathan tells her. Too unpredictable to be a pawn. She laughs )
She'd rather be a queen, if they're getting all technical. Instead, she turns out to be some sort of sacrificial lamb. She's special, they say. She can help people, she's the only one who can help these innocent Troubled people, but in the end she's still just a lamb being led to the slaughter. No matter how hard she fights, whatever path she tries to take, she still ends up in the same damn place every time.
She's tied to this land, somehow. That much she knows, in her skin, her bones, the blood in her veins. She's strongest here, in the place that's somehow hers, the place that will never really be her home. Not anymore. (Maybe once, it was. Maybe it will be again, someday.)
[Time passes in leaps and bounds, sometimes lets her witness a flower grow from seed to full-bloom, sometimes slows enough for her to watch each wing beat of the bee now nestled at its core. Forward and backward and sideways but somehow always progressing, always telling a story. For her, she thinks. It's a story for her.
Empires rise and fall, history is written and unwritten and rewritten but it all remains, locked in her mind, in this structure that's not quite alive but certainly not dead. It is, like her, a paradox, an inconsistency in the fabric of reality that seems to blanket the rest of the world while they hover here, unnoticed. Forgotten.
(Almost).
She watches them age, the ones she loves for so brief a time. Grow, hurt and laugh, fall in love. Die. At times she hates it, screams and pounds her fists into the wall until they're bruised and bloody and broken. She sleeps and sleeps until she can't anymore, until the draw to know drives her back to watching. Waiting. Knowing that she won't remember, when she finally returns.
But they will. She's never sure which is worse.
It's funny; when she's down there she wants so badly to remember. Once here, she wishes she could forget. Wishes the memories would dull, even a little. But they're as sharp as though they'd just happened, even events of half a millennia ago. She remembers every moment she's ever lived on Earth, every hurt, every joy. Every love.
Every time, she thinks maybe it will be different.
Every time remains the same.]
I'll try to change things, she promises Nathan, and she means it.
xxx
are you going to scarborough fair?
parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
remember me to one who lives there
she once was a true love of mine
As always, comments are love *g* I'd really love to know what you guys think of this one. Next update soon!