Part IV

Joe had never shared all the details with anyone-not Sheriff Coffee, Orin's family or his father or brothers. All he would reveal was that Orin was killed by the Shoshone for accidentally shooting a young Indian whom they mistook for a bear; they had kept his body. He had returned Orin's personal effects that hadn't been on his body to his parents and then Joe had gone home. But halfway there, he had broken down and sobbed; he hadn't saved his friend-he had been worse than useless. And, he told himself, he should have done something.

"Joe," Adam said quietly, "we can get through this."

"No, Adam," Joe said looking into Adam's calm, concerned face, "I can't-you don't understand-I can't!"

"Yes, you can. Maybe not alone, but the two of us together can." Adam gingerly reached out and began softly stroking Joe's hair. But instead of Joe pulling away from him as Adam expected, Joe gasped Adam's name and fell against him and Adam pulled his brother to him and as Joe sobbed against his chest, Adam lay his face against the top of Joe's head, and rocked him making soothing noises the way a mother does a crying child.

Once Joe's sobs had subsided, Adam pulled away and looked at him. "Joe, you need to know that Pa, Hoss and I have all been worried sick about you. Even Hop Sing has been mumbling about you just loud enough for Pa to hear. Pa's been at his wit's end as to how to help you. He blames himself, you know, for letting you go."

Joe looked at Adam. "No," Joe said, "it wasn't Pa's fault. None of it was Pa's fault. It's all mine. What happened to Orin, I should have stopped it. I should have done something-but I was too scared. I didn't know what to do."

"C'mon," Adam said, standing up and gently pulling Joe up with him. "Let's bed down for the night." Adam noticed Joe's eyes widen in fear.

"I can't Adam, I need the laudanum. Oh, please, Adam, please let me have it."

"I tell you what," Adam said. "You bed down and I'll take care of it-I'll give you some." Adam felt as if he was back years ago talking to Joe when he was a small boy. Joe was always running to Adam asking him to take care of things and Adam always felt good when he was able to say, "I'll take care of it." And then Joe would always look up to him with admiration and love. And when Adam had gone away to college, Joe was so young. And after that, after he finally returned, their relationship had never been the same. Joe no longer went to him instead of their father to save him from some minor disaster.

But now, when Adam had pulled Joe to him and smelled his hair and felt the silken curls against his cheek, he had sudden memories of Joe as a child, feeling Joe's small arms around his neck as they said goodbye at the station when Adam left for college and smelling the odor of Joe's tousled curls, a combination of soap and sweat and that singular scent that children always have. And Adam wanted to kiss his brother on his pure brow as he had when Joe was small, his love for Joe was so overpowering, but he resisted. Adam realized that he would never be able to love even his own child more than he did his baby brother; would willingly die for Joe. And that's what Joe would always be to him-his baby brother whom he loved and treasured.

Joe sat on his bedroll that Adam had smoothed out and he began to shake.

"You cold?' Adam asked.

"Yeah, but just give me the laudanum, would you?"

Adam walked over and poured a cup of water for Joe. He pulled out the small bottle and carefully added ten drops. Then he capped the bottle and slipped it back into his pocket. He knelt down and handed the tin cup to Joe.

"That wasn't enough, Adam. I need more." Joe begged Adam with his eyes.

"That's all you're getting. Do you want it or not?'

Joe sat for a few seconds, then with shaking hands, he gulped the bitter water. "I'm going to need more, Adam. I need more."

"That's it for now," Adam said. "Now lie down and I'll get you another blanket. I packed extras."

Adam gently put an extra blanket over Joe who looked at him with wide eyes.

"You're not going to leave, are you, Adam?'

"No, Joe. I won't leave. I'll be right next to you." And Joe watched as Adam made some order out of the things that Joe had earlier thrown about as he searched for the laudanum.

"Adam, put more wood on, would you?"

"Sure." Adam built up the fire and then spread out his bedroll next to Joe. "Good night, Joe," he said pulling his blanket up around his ears and turning his back to his brother. "I'll be right here."

Adam was almost asleep when he heard Joe call to him. "Adam, please, I'm cold."

Adam sat up and looked at his brother. Joe was shaking and his voice quavered. "Help me, Adam."

Adam reached out for Joe and pulled him next to him, feeling the thin, shaking body in his arms. "It's going to be all right, Joe. It's going to be all right."

"Adam, I hurt inside. Oh, please, Adam, help me."

Adam held Joe's head and started talking. "Remember that time you almost drowned in the lake? Remember I was swimming like crazy to get to you and then you went under and I thought I'd lose my mind as I tried to find you in that lake-it was so dark. And then I remember feeling your hair-it always was too long-grabbing it and pulling you up."

They both gave a small laugh.

"Yeah," Joe whispered, "you saved my life."

"You know, I dreamed about that for weeks. Once I woke up and I didn't know if I had only dreamed I saved you, that you had really drowned. I had to get up and go check on you and there you were, sleeping away. I remember the relief but I didn't get back to sleep. And after that, I used to keep track of you like a hawk over a rabbit. I was ready to pounce on you at any second and pull you away to safety."

Joe laughed at the imagery. He could hear the reverberations in Adam's chest as he laughed too.

After a few minutes, Joe's shaking became greater. "Adam, it's going to be like this my whole life. Every day and every night-I'm afraid of living this, Adam. I think I'd rather be the one the Indians killed."

"No, Joe. Don't ever say that." And Adam pulled Joe closer.

"They burned him, Adam" Joe said, his voice choking. "Alive. They tied him to a stake and set him on fire."

"Oh, Joe." Adam now knew; Joe's purgatory was seeing his friend die an agonizing and cruel death and being unable to stop it.

"They made me watch," Joe sobbed, "Oh, Adam, he kept calling me to help him, begging me to help him and I couldn't, Adam, I couldn't." Joe pressed his face against Adam's chest, clung to him, and cried as a child would.

"No, Joe, you couldn't," Adam said, stroking Joe's hair. "There's nothing you could do."

"I can't forget it Adam. Every night I see it-I hear Orin begging me and I see his face and the fire and how it crawled up him-Oh, God, Adam, won't it end? I can't do this. I can't! Help me, Adam. Please…" And Joe's voice was choked out by his sobs.

"I'll take care of it, Joe. I'll take care of everything. I promise. I promise. We'll stay here a few days and every day, things will get better and better. You'll see. I promise, Joe. You'll see."

"How, Adam, how?' Joe asked.

"The same way I did it, Joe."

"What do you mean?' Joe quieted.

"I mean by living each day and not thinking about the next. Joe, you know I almost killed a man out of pure rage. I lost who I was-I turned into an animal and I never thought I'd be myself again. And I never was nor was life ever the same again. But I think that it made me better. It took away my 'moral arrogance,' so to speak and made me realize that I had to be wary of all those base instincts that I thought I was above-but I'm not; I'm no better nor worse than the next man. And, Joe, what you went through was horrific and life won't ever be the same again-but don't make your waking life a nightmare as well by relying on laudanum as the way to cope with your fears and memories. We'll help you. All of us. That's why God put us together in a family, to help each other."

Joe lay quietly, slightly shaking from his chills.

"Adam?"

"Yeah, Joe."

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it." Adam smiled to himself as Joe tucked his head under Adam's chin. The irony of the situation amused him; at the lowest point in Joe's young life, he had been alone and so had Adam. And now, they were together and although Adam thought he was helping Joe, Joe was actually helping him by bringing back all the warm, brotherly instincts that Adam had thought he'd outgrown. And Adam felt that it made him an even better man. But Adam knew that from now on, Joe, as he did, would carry around a small bit of insanity against which they would always have to be vigilant lest it grow greater and carry them away.

~Finis~