Hello! This is my first try at a Sherlock fanfiction and it is not beta´d, so please, tell me if I made mistakes. I won´t be mad. The oneshot os quite sad and contains johnlock. It plays after the Reichenbach Fall and it is a blog entry on John Watsons blog.

23. March 2012

Thoughts

Sherlock Holmes was an idiot. Such a big idiot. I don´t think anyone had ever known what exactly did go on in his head. But that was okay. At least for me. But now our flat is silent, no one is playing on the violin anymore or shoots the wall out of boredom. The fridge is used for it´s normal purpose, to store food and not some body parts or whatever. Sherlocks experiment equipment still stands on the kitchen table though. I still live here. Mrs. Hudson just wants my part of the payment. She doesn´t want to be alone or with some stranger, because I would already have moved out, the flat is too expensive for me alone. But Mrs. Hudson misses Sherlock quite much and wants at least `her other boy´ there where she knows where he is. And I didn´t really wanted to move out since I can go into the flat again. I am still hoping that Sherlock will come through the door and have this disappointed look in his eyes because I didn´t figure out where he was. Still hoping that he just faked his death somehow. That he will come home soon.
I still don´t believe that he was an liar. That he made up Moriarty. I know that that guy was real. Most people believe Sherlock was a liar but I know better. I lived with Sherlock for so long, nobody could play a character that long. I said that to Sherlock and I would tell it everyone who wants to hear it. Mrs. Hudson doesn´t believe the newspaper either, I don´t know exactly about Lestrade, but if asked I would say that he doesn´t believe the papers.
No, Sherlock just couldn´t played all. He just can´t. He can´t be dead. There are still things left unsaid. Things that needed to be said. Things I didn´t wanted to say at first. And when I did want to say them, it was already too late. All the people who assumed Sherlock and me would be in a relationship weren´t that wrong. We never were a pair. Even if I wanted it. Not right from the beginning, of course. But the longer I lived with him, the more feelings I got for him. I realized that I loved him shortly after the case with Irene Adler.
I hope he really comes back and I can tell him. He would probably look at me with this face that says "Feelings are not useful. Good thing I don´t have any." Maybe he would throw me out. I don´t know exactly, Sherlock was always kind of unpredictable.
I visit his grave at least once a week. My psychologist says this is too much. I should try to let go. But I can´t. Not really. How could I let the memory of this great man just vanish? I can´t let that happen.
I still get messages on my blog. Some people tell me that Sherlock was a liar and everyone knows that so why the hell do I still believe in him?! But that aren´t the only kind of messages I receive. Some people write that they don´t believe what is in the papers and that Sherlock could never pull all these different cases and everything around off. They believe like me that everything that happened was real. They tell me about discussions and debates they had with family, friends, teachers, chefs, just everyone. If Sherlock ever comes back, I will show him your messages. He probably won´t care but he should see that I am not the only one who always believed in him. That there are people who still think he is a great man.
Sherlock needs to come back. I believe he can and I can finally tell him: "I love you."

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