The Random Files: FMA edition

Chapter 5: Welcome to Jackass

All was peaceful in central city. The sky was blue with the perfect amount of fluffy clouds floating by with the breeze. the birds were singing and the citizens were out in the parks or at pick nicks. All seemed so calm and quiet.

But up on the highest, steepest hill in the middle of central, right in front of the military HQ, you could see a tiny (although they were already pretty small) person pushing an object up the steep road.

Edward Elric was pushing a large shopping cart up a monstrous hill. He was panting by the time he got the metal cart to the top. Edward wiped the sweat from his face and stood up, placing his hand on the shopping cart for support.

"Ready Al?" Edward gasped excitedly to the... Shopping cart?

"Uh... Brother... I don't think this is such a good idea..." Alphonse's voice warned.

Edward grinned. "Don't worry Al! I transmuted your armor perfectly! Your blood seal won't get damaged and I'm sure you'll be okay!" Ed reassured his brother whom he had recently transmuted into a dangerous (not to mention break-less) form of transportation.

"I'm not the one I'm worried about..." Al muttered.

"Don't worry! I'll be fine, you'll see! this will be so freakin AWESOME!" Edward cheered. And without letting Alphonse continue to argue, he positioned his brother/shopping cart near the edge of the hill and hopped inside. Ed sat up and leaned forward.

As the cart rolled closer and closer to the edge, Edward suddenly pulled out a pair of sunglasses and put them on. And with a bad-ass grin said, "I'm Edward Elric... And welcome to Jackass."

The cart suddenly tipped and lurched forward. "WHEEeeeeEEEeEEEEWWWw!" Edward screeched as he flew down the hill on his brother-turned-shopping-cart at unimaginable speeds.

"HELL YEAAAAAH! WHOO!" Ed hollered, waving his arms in the air as he and his brother streaked past citizens. They stared in shock as a young blonde-haired teenager flew down the street like a bolt of red lightning.

"Brother I think we're going too fast! Can you slow us down with the breaks?" Alphonse asked worriedly. The buildings blurred into oblivion as the brothers gained more and more speed.

Edward grinned. "What breaks?!" He shouted over the wind whipping at his face.

"Brother!" Alphonse gasped.

"What!? I can't hear you over how much FUN I'm having!" Ed yelled back.

"Did you take your medicine this morning?!"

"LOL, NOPE!" Ed laughed maniacally.

"EDWARD! WE'RE GONNA CRASH!"

"I know! Isn't it awesome!?"

"BROTHER!"

"WHEEEE!"

- meanwhile.

Roy Mustang sighed as he exited central command, letting the door close slowly behind him. A migraine the size of Xing pounded in his head and his hands felt like spaghetti from signing paperwork.

"Ready to go, Sir?" The faithful Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye asked with a salute.

Roy glanced at her and sighed once more. "Yeah... But first I have to wait for Fullmetal. He said he was going to meet me outside with his report." He grumbled.

"Alright Colonel. Would you like me to wait with you?" Riza asked.

"No no, you're dismi-" Roy suddenly stopped talking and stared ahead at something.

"Is there something wrong, sir?" Riza murmured.

Roy's black eyes narrowed as he pointed up at the giant hill that overlooked central command where an unknown object was flying down the road.

"What's that?" Mustang mumbled. He rubbed his eyes and looked again at the red streak that was flying towards them.

Riza stared at the fast-approaching object. "I have no clue..."

Roy narrowed his eyes even more before they suddenly widened in terror. "It's... It's Fullmetal!" He gasped as the red streak closed the distance between it and the two officers.

Edward grinned and waved at his superior officer. "Hi colonel bastard!" He greeted.

Roy gasped and dove out of the way with Riza close behind before a shopping cart streaked by and smashed into one of the stone walls of Central Command. Roy grimaced at the sound of screeching metal and turned away in case any debris was thrown from the crash.

When the dust settled all that was left was a mangled shopping cart and a shredded red cloak.

"Fullmetal?!" Roy gasped. He quickly stood up and rushed over to the broken heap of cloth and metal. "Elric, are you alright?" Mustang called. He couldn't tell if some of the red was from Edward's coat or if it was his blood. 'Shit... This crash looks really bad. I hope he isn't...' Roy quickly dismissed the thought. "Edward, are you okay?! Say something to me!" He shouted worriedly.

Suddenly an automail fist punched straight up through the debris, in its fist was a large envelope that was surprisingly undamaged.

"Here's my report!" Edward's voice mumbled from within the pile of metal and concrete. Only a hint of pain could be heard in his tone, but he mostly sounded happy.

Roy sighed in slight relief. At least the little brat wasn't dead.

"Brother... I told you this was a bad idea." Al's voice said from the rubble.

"Alphonse?" Roy gasped. "You're here too?"

Edward coughed from under the rocks and waved his report around. "Just read the damn report! I'm suffocating in here!"

Mustang reluctantly grabbed the envelope but didn't read it. Instead he began to move away bits of stone and metal off of his subordinate.

Soon enough, Edward was uncovered. The boy was covered in bruises and dirt but other than that he seemed unharmed.

"You okay Fullmetal?" Roy asked with an annoyed tone.

Edward grinned up at his superior and sneezed, sending up a cloud of dust. "I'm fine! That was AWESOME! Lets go again!" He laughed.

Roy sighed and face-palmed. "No. Lets not. Instead, how about you fix the wall and clean up this debris."

Edward pouted. "But it was so fuuuun..." He mumbled.

Roy raised an eyebrow. "Did you take your medicine this morning?" He growled.

Edward grinned. "Nope! It somehow spontaneously combusted through alchemy. No idea how..." Ed trailed off and stroked an imaginary beard in thought.

Roy face-palmed again. "Just... Fix your brother and then the wall. Okay? We'll talk later. First I have to recover from this headache you just made worse..." Roy grumbled before walking off. "Lieutenant, keep an eye on them will ya?"

"Yes sir." Riza said with a salute. She turned her fiery gaze to Edward and narrowed her amber eyes threateningly. Ed yelped in fear and quickly clapped his hands together and began to clean up his mess.