Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter series or plot.

Red Letters

"Hermione didn't turn up for Herbology. As Harry and Ron left the greenhouse for their Care of Magical Creatures class, they saw Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle descending the stone steps of the castle. Pansy Parkinson was whispering and giggling behind them with her gang of Slytherin girls. Catching sight of Harry, Pansy called, 'Potter, have you split up with your girlfriend? Why was she so upset at breakfast?'

Harry ignored her; he didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how much trouble the Witch Weekly article had caused."

—Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, chapter 28, page 542

"This was a brilliant idea, Harry," said Ron as he duplicated another one.

"Definitely," said Harry determinedly. "Hermione doesn't deserve this... but don't tell Hermione we're doing this. The only thing we have to worry about now is how long it'll take for Hedwig to deliver all of these. Say, d'you think Sprout will give us bubotuber pus if we ask for it?"

"No," said Ron sadly. "We'll have to do without."

Anita Brookes looked up brightly from her work. There... another one... that ought to get that foul Hermione Granger back from what she'd done to Harry Potter...

Pop!

"Anita?" called a voice. She looked up and saw her sister Alison, who had Apparated into the room. "Well..." she said uncertainly, gazing around the room; it was messy and looked as though a tornado had gone through it. "Um, Anita? What have you been up to?"

"I've another one for Hermione Granger," said Anita happily, waving her letter. "It's cursed, too—makes tentacles erupt all over your face immediately after you open it. Good, isn't it?"

"Oh, I don't know, 'Nita," said Alison. "You ought to stop, really, maybe she isn't all that bad..."

"Come off it, Ali!" said Anita impatiently. "She deserves it—look what she's done to Harry Potter!" Quickly, she dug through the mess of papers on the kitchen table and seized Rita Skeeter's article. "'Miss Granger'," she read out, "'a plain but ambitious girl, seems to have a taste for famous wizards that Harry alone cannot satisfy... has been toying with both boy's affections...' Alison, she was playing with them! And you know how much I hate people like those! Good of Skeeter, actually, to expose her like that... I'll be sending dear Hermione her letter now..."

"Oh Anita," said her sister as she bustled to the window, "you'd believe anything."

"Excuse me?" said Anita, affronted. "Rita Skeeter's completely trustable! Now, if I could only find Strutwings... that lazy owl, he's always disappearing..."

Even as she said it though, another owl flew up to her, clutching a different letter, but it wasn't Strutwings. This one was a graceful white, with great wide eyes that seemed almost to reproach her. Abruptly, the owl dropped the letter into her hands and flew back out the window, away.

Alison raised an eyebrow. "That's a Howler," she said.

"But I haven't made enemies with anyone!" said Anita, panicking; the Howler was starting to smoke. "Who would—"

Too late—the Howler had exploded, and in the next moment a roaring sound filled Anita's ears:

"YOU PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING."

It was a boy's voice, amplified ten times louder, shaking the small house, and the two sisters jumped. Anita's eyes widened—she had never received a Howler before, not even when she was in Hogwarts.

"I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT HERMIONE, AND I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU THAT IT'S NOT TRUE. HAVEN'T YOU HAD ENOUGH? FOR THE RECORD, HERMIONE'S NOT MY EFFING GIRLFRIEND. I LOVE HER LIKE A SISTER AND I'LL HAVE YOUR UGLY HEAD IF YOU DON'T LEAVE HER ALONE. EVERYTHING SKEETER'S WRITTEN ABOUT HERMIONE'S A STUPID LIE."

Anita gasped—Alison's brows threatened to disappear into her fringe. But the Howler was not done.

"SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU, BUT I'VE HAD THE PLEASURE MEETING SKEETER, AND I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT SHE IS THE FAKEST PERSON I'VE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO MEET. I'M NOT BEING IMMATURE, OR IDIOTIC, OR TEMPERAMENTAL—HERMIONE CAN HOLD HER OWN, ACTUALLY, BUT I'M HER FRIEND AND FRANKLY, YOU'VE GIVEN HER ENOUGH TROUBLE AND IF YOU GIVE HER ANY MORE YOU'LL FUCKING PAY."

"Ouch," winced Alison quietly.

"OH, AND IF YOU'RE TOO STUPID NOT TO KNOW BY NOW, THEN THIS IS HARRY POTTER SPEAKING."

And the letter burst into flames, the ashes exploding all over Anita's face. She stood still, bewildered; even Alison looked stunned.

"Well, 'Nita," said Alison quietly, recovering, "I think you should just chuck the letter you're planning to send. It's just lucky you weren't in public."

Hermione stilled, frowned, and looked up from her eggs. "That's odd."

"What's odd?" asked Ron, swallowing down his bacon.

"The letters should be here by now."

"What letters?" asked Harry casually through a gulp of pumpkin juice.

Hermione narrowed her eyes at them. "You know what I'm talking about. The hate mail. It's been going on for ages."

"So?" asked Ron. "Maybe it's stopped."

Hermione opened her mouth angrily, but Harry cut her off. "Look, Hermione, just be glad it's stopped. I mean, it's not like you were looking forward to it." He grinned. "And you call me pessimistic..."

Hermione glared suspiciously at the two for a full minute. Harry and Ron stared back. Then she sighed, rolled her eyes, and began to eat.

Harry and Ron glanced at each other and grinned slightly, before Harry started re-stuffing himself with a ham sandwich and Ron gobbled down a chicken leg.

AN: This was a quick one, but I held off publishing because I couldn't find a good title. I haven't written in nearly a month, I know, but anyway, I was rereading GoF and this came out. I really like the idea of Harry and Ron making things a little easier for poor Hermione! So tell me, what do you think?