I'm not dead! Bet you though I was, huh? Well, I'm not, and once again, it is not acceptable to wait an entire month before updating and I know that, but I feel obligated to tell you it might happen again. My highest priority right now is school, I'm not going to lie, and most of the time it's pretty hectic. I'm going to do my best, however, to give you updates at least every other week.

Also, I changed the story's rating to M because I thought it would be more appropriate. Buh-bye now.

You know in Disney movies when the sun comes out to shine and there's a clearing with all these little animals and a princess that sings? Well, I felt like that princess. If I wasn't half asleep I would have sung, I swear. Because you know what?

Dimitri's in love with me.

That's right.

I opened my eyes to bright sunlight streaming in through the large window on my left, my hands reaching out for the one guy in the whole world capable of making me feel this way only to come crashing down from my ridiculous high when I realized Dimitri was nowhere to be seen. The space next to me on the bed was empty, and it even looked like Dimitri had tried to make it. The duvet was pulled up and tucked in under the bed on his side, and his pillow had no sign of a head ever having rested there.

I was eyeing this strange arrangement when my drowsed mind shook to life, and I realized what must have happened with a cold tug in my heart. All of my fears… the fears he eradicated last night, mostly, by telling me those things – they all came crashing back. And with them, my anger.

He regretted it. That was the only explanation. Dimitri had slept with me in a moment of weakness and now he regretted it, and so he left. It was so fucking classic I didn't know why I was even surprised. Maybe he thought I was too easy. I mean, he'd been a total jerk towards me after that kiss and as soon as he told me some regretful crap I jumped into bed with him – hell, I was even the one to start it. I hadn't even yelled at him first.

Something started to bubble under the surface of my skin, and I ripped the bedspread off with a swift movement of my hand, standing up. The room around me was slowly turning red and the walls were slanting as if the room had been built on the side of a hill. Emotion; raw, burning emotion was all I could think and all I could feel and my fists were clenched into fists. I was going to kill the motherfucker. He deserved to die.

Somewhere inside, warning bells rung, reminding me of the previous times I had felt like this and what I had done. A small streak of light burst through the red in my mind.

Okay, Rose. I forced myself to relax, the way my counsellor Jade had told me to back at St: Vlad's when my 'anger issues' caused me to lash out on people. Control it – control yourself. Count to ten.

One. I took a deep breath. Two. I unclenched my fists, slowly, and found little crescent-shaped marks on my palms. Three. The walls went from blood red to a mild pink. Four –

"What are you doing?"

I shrieked and spun around lightning-fast, not quite ready for disturbance in my therapy. Leaning against the doorway dressed in nothing but a white towel was Dimitri, and he was eyeing me very strangely. I stood frozen, momentarily distracted by the damp, stunning perfection of his naked torso, and blinked.

"What?" I asked dumbly, not because I didn't hear what he said but because it was the only thing I could think of that accurately described my feelings. My thoughts were one angry – or rather, just confused now – jumble.

"Are you okay?" Dimitri's hard brown eyes softened a little. At that moment I wondered what I looked like to him.

"I'm fine," I lied. Realization was starting to sink in, and embarrassment was quick in its heels. Dimitri hadn't left. He hadn't left at all. He'd woken up and taken a shower. Was I really that infatuated with him that he couldn't even take a shower without me freaking out? I was mortified. And Dimitri obviously knew I was lying because he gave me one of those piercing looks. I felt my cheeks heat up.

"It's just, when I saw you had left – and your bed was all made and stuff, I kind of, uh…" I trailed off, not knowing how to tell him the truth without sounding bat shit crazy, "jumped to conclusions."

Dimitri got this really weird look in his eyes. "You thought I regretted it? What happened last night?"

"Yeah," I admitted, and he looked constricted. Before I knew it Dimitri was in front of me with two quick strides and had wrapped me up tightly in his arms. I suppose I should have felt comforted by the embrace, but I sensed something off about his mood.

"What's up with you?" I asked. "You don't actually regret it, do you? Because if you do I'll kick you in the nuts."

"No," I felt him shake his head, "I don't regret a thing that happened last night. Believe that, Rose."

His voice sounded really strange now, so I quickly detangled myself and took a step back. "What the hell is going on, Dimitri? Just spit it out already!"

He sighed, and I eyed him suspiciously, my body recognizing his behavior. "I think I should have clarified this last night," Dimitri said finally, voice businesslike. "While my… feelings for you still stand, we can't take this any further. I can't let this go further. It isn't right."

I stared at him. "It isn't right?" I repeated incredulously, my voice rising. "It isn't fucking right? If that's what you think about us then yes, you probably should have mentioned it last night! In fact, I think you could have squeezed that in when you told me how much you regretted treating me like crap last time, or perhaps when you said you loved me and wanted to protect me. How much of that was real, anyway?"

"All of it!" he thundered and shoved his hands through his hair in a frustrated manner. "Don't you see? I am protecting you, Rose – I'm protecting both of us!" He took a deep, steadying breath and looked me straight in the eyes. "We are at the edge of war, and one slipup, one mistake can lead to death. We cannot afford to be distracted, and if we keep this going, we will be. It's better this way."

I guess if I was just an ordinary, not-messed-up girl, I could have seen his reasoning. If I had grown up in an ordinary family, if my parents had cared for me and told me they loved me, I might have nodded and agreed to this.

But I wasn't. "A distraction," I echoed and laughed bitterly, remembering my mother's email. "I guess that's all I'm ever gonna be, right? To the people I love? A distraction from what's really important."

"Rose –"

"No," I interrupted. "This whole thing with you has been nothing more than a fucking roller coaster, and I'm the one who always ends up falling. Sometimes you want me and then you don't. If you're too much of a coward to stand through this then I want nothing to do with you anymore." I started towards the door and Dimitri's eyes flashed, but when they went back to their normal opaque brown I knew it was over. I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. "I'm getting some breakfast."

I was biting down on my butterbrot and letting the doughy sensation cure my heartache when my phone started buzzing in my pocket. At first I thought it was Dimitri, but when I looked at the screen and saw Lissa's name the impulse to throw the phone on the ground and stomp on it disappeared.

"Hey, Liss." I hesitated, debating on whether or not to tell her about Dimitri. "Isn't it the middle of the night for you right now?"

"I don't sleep at night, in case you have forgotten," came her swift reply. "Besides, this couldn't wait. I think we've found something."

The high tone of her voice caught my attention, so I dropped my sandwich-thing on the plate and focused solely on Lissa, my gut telling me that this was big. "Really? What kind of 'something'?"

I could literally feel Lissa's excitement coming through the phone in waves when she answered, "The kind of something that changes everything."

Leave a review?