Chapter 32 - Trampoline

Christian's POV

Did I hear her right? She said yes. I grab her in my arms, holding on as tight as I can. I kiss her as deep as I can, I can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life with her. All of my dreams have come true, with one simple word, yes. I pick her up and she wraps her legs around me easily, our lips never parting. My lips feel like they are on fire, trying to capture her mouth in mine. I want every part of her right now, she's mine, forever she's mine. I want this to be sweet, I'm craving every inch of her body, but my anger gets the better of me because I'm still kind pissed at her for not calling and ditching security. She just told me she would marry me, and I still can't get over her not having a concern for safety, how fucked up is that?

I push her against the wall before opening the bedroom door, I grind myself into her. I love the feeling of her body against mine right now. I get the door open easily and set her down by the floor to ceiling windows, pushing her body against the glass. By the time I have her clothes off, she's only gotten me half undressed and it works to my advantage. I push her body against the glass, as far as it will go and go down on my knees so I can taste her. I put one of legs on my shoulder, and it gives me more access to her. I don't stop until she comes which doesn't take long, the heat between us can always lead to a quick release. When I hear her screaming my name, I want to be inside of her.

I quickly get up from my position from the floor, removing my clothes quickly. I turn her so she's facing the glass and bring her ass closer to me. I need to feel her, and this will be a hard fuck for my satisfaction. She places her hand on the glass to steady herself, and I easily slide into her. I grab at her hips, pulling her closer to me and she moans in satisfaction. When I feel myself getting closer, I want to let go, but need more. I want to hear her beg for me I want to know she need's it as much as I do. My thrusts are slower now, and I pull her hair to turn her head to look at me.

"You feel so fucking good." I manage to get out, and she moans in delight. This. Fuck.

"Please, Christian." She starts to beg, "I want to come." That's it, baby. "Fuck, please." It's enough for me to release her hair and grab her shoulder for support, she arches her back, and I demand her to come with me. I want to feel her pulsing around me when I come inside of her. "Christian." She cries out, giving me all of her release. We stay there for a moment, until it become uncomfortable. I get her into bed, but I'm not done with her yet. I take a minute to rest, admiring her body, spoiling her in kisses. I want to get every inch of her body; she's giving herself to me and I'm going appreciate all of it.

Ana's POV

When I wake up, Christian is wrapped around me like a glove still fast asleep. I think about peeling myself away from him, but don't want to leave his embrace. I can't believe he asked me to marry him. I think about running, packing up my stuff, and going back to New York. Running is like second nature to me. I'm committing to never leaving. I'm committing to a lifetime. I know how much I love Christian; this has to be true. When I left for New York, it was the best and hardest part of my life. This time around everything is so much different.

I stare out the floor to ceiling windows, hearing the rain hit the glass. It's moments like this I wonder how I can still be so sad. My life is nearly perfect, and yet as I stare into the gray city, I just feel a little heavy. I know I've been working so my past doesn't affect me as much and I don't know if it's my past, or just my brain, but I know I'm not okay. I'm not normal like Christian, I try to be happy and carefree, I try so damn hard. Moments like this remind me that even though I'm further than I was, I'm still not where I want to be.

The gray skies seem unmoving, and I feel Christian stir beside me. I'm not surprised he's still sleeping, we had sex three times last night and it even included a full body massage. It was probably one of the best nights we've ever had. So why am I still so down? This should be one of the happiest times of my life, I'm going to marry this man beside me, and all I can think about is how it might end terribly.

"Good morning, fiancée." He says, kissing up my shoulder and holding me tighter.

"Mm, good morning handsome." Is there another word for engaged people to use? I turn around to face him, and my doubt slowly fade to the back of my brain.

"I love you." I blurt, smiling at him.

"I love you too, I have a surprise for you." He says, and I give him a questioning look.

"Can we stay in bed all day?" I ask, wanting nothing more.

"Mmmm, maybe most of the day. We aim to please, Miss. Steele." When I find his morning erection, I somehow want more, even after last night. After round four in twenty-four hours, we are both exhausted and I fall asleep again. I wake to hear him on his phone beside me but allow myself to wake up staring out the window for just a moment. When I turn, he smiles softly at me, and make no move to get up.

"I didn't mean to fall back to sleep." I say, even though it felt really great. I know Christian doesn't really sleep in.

"It's okay, baby. I kept myself busy." He moves his phone out of the way and we cuddle for a long time just holding each other. I don't know how long we lay there for, but Christian starts getting antsy from staying in bed so long. I however could not leave all day and be just as happy.

"Come on it's time to get up." He announces popping up, and I groan.

"I don't want to." I complain, burying myself into the covers and pillows.

"Come on, Ana. I promise it will be worth it." I'm still not convinced.

"We could go tomorrow." I counter, he pulls the covers away and I groan again.

"Come on, give me the blanket back." I pout.

"No." He says, coming back into bed, trying to push me out.

"Christian, stop." I beg.

"Come on, Ana. We've been in bed half the day."

"Perfect. Another reason to just leave it all for tomorrow." I'm fighting his pushes, but to no avail, I find my ass on the floor. On the bright side, the blanket is within reach, so I jokingly cover myself back up.

"Ana!" He laughs, pulling the blanket back off me. I quickly jump back into bed, and this time he just picks me and carries me into the bathroom.

"Oh, that's not fair." I cry, resisting his hold. Before I know it's, the early afternoon fun is over and I'm getting ready for the day wondering what this surprise is. I have no energy to dress up, and Christian said casual was fine. I really would have picked out sweatpants if it wasn't for the fact that I wear them most of the week. I decide on simple black leggings, so I can still be comfortable I pair it with a t-shirt and a soft grey sweater I normally wear for working out. I put a light vest over it, and a matching pair of black boots that don't quite reach my knees. I get back into the bathroom where Christian is, and he smiles when he sees me.

"You look perfect, Ana." He says gently kissing me.

"Thanks babe, you look good right now too." I love when he just gets out of the shower, even more when I get to join him in that shower.

We finally get on the road after eating something, and I notice how even though it's not raining anymore it's still a very gray day. Very common in Seattle, and even after the perfect morning with Christian, my mood is still unsure of everything. I hope this goes away soon; I know I'll have to talk to Flynn about all of this.

"Are we going to the Aquarium?" I ask, I don't even think the penguins would be the same today.

"It's better than Penguins, baby." I give him a questioning look. When we reach the marina, I'm still at a loss. If he just planned on going for a walk, I would have rather stayed home, no offence I was very comfortable in bed.

"Chris, why are we here?" What can I say? I'm on the edge of my seat.

"You never did do well with surprises." He comments, leading me down to the one of the walkways with boats. It's really hard to see all the boats from this view, as some are larger than other and just kind of tower over each other, there must be more than hundred boats here.

"Are we going sailing." I ask, I didn't think you could just rent boats here.

"Yeah, that was the plan." He says, grinning ear to ear.

"What did you do?" I ask a little speculatively.

"I may have made a purchase." He says, and I give him a questioningly look.

"What kind of purchase?" He didn't, did he? When he just smiles, I know.

"You bought a boat, have you gone mad?" I ask, why would he buy a boat.

"I thought it would be fun to learn how to sail." He says, shrugging his shoulders.

"You have more money than sense." I joke, he doesn't even know how to sail, but he bought a boat.

"I wanted to buy a helicopter, but I didn't know how to fly. I thought I would conquer land and sea, before air." A helicopter, he wants to go up in the air?

"You're absolutely certifiable." When he shows me the boat though, I am left speechless.

"The Grace?" I ask, I think it's a wonderful name.

"She was the one who saved me before you, I wouldn't be where I am without her." He doesn't have to explain it to me, I think it's beautiful. I know what Grace did for him, and I wish I would have had someone like her to save me. I can't think of what Christian could have gone through had they not adopted him.

"How will you learn to sail it?" Just as I ask a man I've never met before comes around the corner smiling. Christian introduces him as Mack, and says he pretty much came with the boat. Not only does Mack teach Christian how to sail, but he teaches me as well, keeping a safe distance from me with death glares from Christian. When I find myself steering the wheel in the middle of the sound, I'm glad we did this today. I feel like I'm floating on air, and when Christian and I just sit and relax in the middle of the open water it's the most calming thing I've done other than dancing. I know we will come out here again, and we will have to bring family next time, even though Christian's family is a lot for me to handle I know how much they mean to him.

By the time we are done with sailing, we are both hungry again after only having a light breakfast/lunch before leaving the house. We get take-out Chinese food and bring it home to eat, watching Breakfast at Tiffany's for the thousandth time. I know Christian is probably sick of it, but It's my favorite move and he gave me free choice. When he told me, I could buy something off Vudu I couldn't help but get the Audrey Hepburn collection that came with Sabrina and Roman Holiday too. I love these black and white movies, and it was only like twenty dollars to buy it. I only wish I would have had this collection sooner.

"You know the days when you get the mean reds?"

"The mean reds. You mean like the blues?"

"No. The blues are because you're getting fat, and maybe it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid, and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?"

I was watching the movie so intently, soaking up every word that I didn't even see Christian get up. When he's sitting in front with a small box that comes out on each side, I almost spit out the take-out noodles in my mouth.

"With everything that happened since yesterday, I completely forgot about this." He says, and my eyes are glancing between him and the ginormous ring from Harry Winston.

"Anastasia, I know I asked you last night. I wanted to do it again with the ring, I wanted this whole thing to be perfect, but I realized it doesn't have to be. As long as it's you and be, it can be wherever we want it to be. I'd marry you in Vegas, on a beach, or in a church with 200 people. As long as I'm with you, I'll be happy. Please, spend the rest of your life with me." The take-out is on the table in an instant and I'm wrapped around him.

"Forever" I whisper. He doesn't have to ask me twice the answer is still yes. I know I'm not easy to understand, hell I don't even understand myself. I know in my heart this is what I want the most, I just thought I would be in a different frame of mind when it happened.

We spend Sunday night wrapped up in each other, and when the work week starts it's a little hard to get going. I go on with my normal everyday life, only now I have a huge rock on my finger that sometimes feels like a heavy weight. I'm not saying it as a bad thing, but more of an unfamiliar object that I'm really just not used to. I don't normally wear jewelry, but this is something I'll never take off. I'm thankful that the days past fast, as I've been waiting for my appointment since Saturday. I know I need to talk to Flynn about everything that is happening. When I'm finally called into his office. I'm barely sitting on the couch before words are spilling out of my mouth.

"Christian asked me to marry him." I state the first thing I want to talk about.

"Oh congratulations, Ana."

"Um, thanks. I guess." I say not really sure how to respond.

"Are we happy about this?" He asks, and I nod.

"Yeah, I guess I'm also just kind of, I don't know, confused about my feelings. I love Christian, don't get wrong. I just kind of feel in a weird state right now."

"How so?" He asks.

"I just feel like I'm living this life, like I don't really belong in it. My life isn't supposed to be like this, I've had nothing, but bad things happen to me, I guess I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop."

"That's understandable after everything you've gone through." He says, and I shrug.

"Maybe you feel like this because of the trial." He says, and it makes me think about it for a moment.

"I guess, I mean it does kind of bug me he is only going to be put away for like 10 years maximum."

"He deserves more." He states and I nod.

"Do you feel safe?" He asks, and I shrug.

"Mostly, yes. I mean, Christian has a great security team. I also think that if Lincoln is upset enough, he would really hurt me or someone I love."

"You're afraid he's going to hurt Christian." He states the obvious truth. The one thing that would hurt me the most is someone hurting him.

"You're afraid to love him, because you're afraid to lose him." I roll my eyes at this point.

"Ana, I want to try something, and I know it's silly but bear with me." I nod and he explains he is going to say a word and I have to say the first thing that comes to mind, I've heard of this before, but I don't see how it could help but okay Flynn.

"House?" I say "Home"

"Home?" I say "Christian." We already knew that Flynn.

"Pain?" "Stephen."

"Stephen?" "Andrew" Okay, didn't think my brain associated those two so close together.

"Life?" "Love." "Love?" "Christian."

"Happy?" "Sad." "Sad?" "Depressed."

"Depressed?" "Okay, I'm done with this." I know what he's getting at.

"Ana- I"

"I'm not fucking depressed; I just get like this sometimes!" "It's just a mood, it will go away. I don't have a problem."

"I didn't quite know what you associated it with, until you lashed out, I only had a suspicion. Ana, it's only to admit. Depression is a common thing. You've been through a lot, it's okay to have depression.

"It just makes me more fucked up, okay?" I'm nearing a breakdown on his couch.

"If I keep giving him things to make me screwed up, he's going to give up on me."

"You think he would do that?" Flynn asks, and I just shrug. I don't want to talk anymore.

"Ana, I can't help you until you're ready to help yourself."

"I was hoping you had a different answer." I say, shrugging.

"You have anxiety and depression, Ana. It could be from childhood trauma, or just the chemicals in your brain. It's there, Ana. It's not going away you can wish it all you want but it will still be there."

"Okay, so how do we fix it?"

I end up leaving Flynn's office with a prescription for Prozac to help my depression and anxiety. He also gave me another prescription, but I'm not sure I'll pick it up. I cringe a little at the diagnoses but pick up the prescription for prozac anyway. Flynn explained to me that even though I can be happy 80% of the time depression could account for all the times where everything is hard, nothing makes me happy, and I'm hiding being miserable when I should be completely happy. I can be happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that might be.

When I get home, I find Christian in his study and I sit across from him in one of his chairs. He stops working and smiles at me.

"You didn't give me a kiss." He says, and I move myself over to sit on his lap giving him a quick kiss. I've learned to beware when I enter the office and make sure he's not in a video call or a phone call. When I curl up on his lap, I've never felt safer I know I need to tell him about my visit with Flynn.

"Rough day?" He asks, and I nod into his chest.

"Was it work?" He persists, and I shake my head no.

"Flynn?" He asks, and I shrug. I know, I need to use my words. I just don't know how to say it.

"He gave me a prescription." I say, that's the easy part.

"A new one, for what?" I'm fucked up.

"Depression, Anxiety." I whisper. He just looks at me for second, before saying "Oh, okay babe. Are you hungry?" I just kind of look at him disbelieving.

"That's it?" I ask, he doesn't have any questions, nothing?

"To be honest babe, it makes a lot of sense. You just seem down sometimes and even when I try to cheer you up it doesn't work. There are those days where it's hard to get you to do anything, and I get it. I know you're happy, but ever since you came back it's like something was missing. You're not as carefree as when we were kids, and I get that. I know I make you happy, I know you love me. So as long as I don't have to worry about that, I'll try my best for you to be happy. I know you'll get there eventually it's just going to take time. I didn't think you wanted to make a big deal out of it, and I know you have Flynn but I'm always here if you need someone to talk to." "Forever." He adds, and I feel like a ton of bricks was just taken off my shoulders.

"I love you." I say, and we eat dinner together talking about different suggestions Flynn had. I already exercise and eat right, so there really isn't too much other than taking the meds and giving a bit to kick in. He gave me side effects to look out for and call him if I have any problems.

I wake up Friday, thankful that this long week is over. I get to spend the weekend with Christian for his birthday, and I couldn't be more excited. I guess the Grey's are throwing him a mandatory party, so we will have to attend that, but the rest of the weekend we plan to spend just the two of us. I'm also thankful that my work schedule somehow cooperated with me, and we just have practice today and no shows this weekend. I stand in front of the mirror and cue Jose to play the song.

I've been having dreams, jumping on a trampoline, flipping in the air. I never land just float there, I walk backwards swiftly on my feet.

As I'm looking up, suddenly the sky erupts. Flames alight the trees and spread to falling leaves. Now they're right upon me. I rise up slowly, after spinning around.

Wait if I'm on fire, how am I so deeply in love? When I dream of dying, I never feel so loved.

The song hitting close to home right now, I pour my heart and my soul into this dance.

I've been having dreams splashing in a summer stream. Trip and I fall in. I wanted it to happen. My body turns to ice, crushing weight of paradise, solid block of gold, lying in the cold, I feel right at home.

Wait if I'm on fire, how am I so deep in love? When I dream of dying, I never feel so loved.

When the song finishes, Jose and I look at each other, and we both know that this practice was enough for me. I nailed it.