For xakemii (Kimmy)

To Absent Friends

"Ianto!" Jack yelled as the hole that lead into the hub slid shut behind him, "Did you log Patricia and Tina into the system?" Jack chuckled to himself as he jogged up the stairs and past the computers towards his office. He felt a slight twinge of remorse as he walked past the computer that Gwen had stuck a photo of Tosh and Owen on, but nothing more. He had to move on from that, just like he had done so many times before.

"Ianto!" he yelled again when, after several seconds past, the Welshman still hadn't replied. He heard a slight grunt from the lower levels, "I said did you log Patricia and Tina into the system?"

There was still no reply. Sighing, Jack relented, taking off his coat and tossing it over the back of his chair, he walked towards the stairs that would take him down to the vaults.

He could hear the Weevils down below grunting and shifting in their cells. Somehow, after spending so much time with them, the Weevils made the hub feel like home to Jack. Well, the Weevils and Ianto.

"Ianto," he said, walking into the vaults to see him locking one of the newly found Weevils, the one that Jack had christened Patricia, after the street that she had been found on, in to a spare vault, "You okay?"

Ianto nodded, not looking Jack in the eyes. Jack was suddenly glad that he'd given Gwen two weeks off to spend time with Rhys after Tosh and Owen's deaths. He'd offered Ianto the same, but he had refused. Jack didn't mind, it was nice to have company other than the weevils.

"No you're not," he said softly, coming up behind Ianto and snaking his arms around the younger mans waist, "I've seen the way that you've looked at me these last few days."

Ianto shook his head and pulled away from Jack's touch, "It's okay, I'm fine Jack." He turned and walked towards the stairs that lead back up into the hub. Jack sighed as he watched him go. He knew what Ianto was thinking, he knew that Ianto thought he was cold-hearted for not grieving for longer after Tosh had died right in front of them. It had happened too many times now, Jack knew how to deal with his grief, he knew how to keep it hidden and locked away so that it didn't interfere with his work, Death was a regular visitor in Jack's life after all. He knew that he had to give Ianto space and time before he would open up to him about it.

"Y'know," Jack said, leaning against the doorway of his office several hours later, "You can go home if you want to, I'm not forcing you to stay here."

Ianto didn't look up from the computer, "I don't really have anywhere else to go."

"You do have family, right Ianto?" Jack asked, realising how little he knew about Ianto's life. He knew that Ianto lived by himself in Cardiff, but he had never thought to ask about his family, his life or how he was feeling. He felt guilt wash over him, Ianto was supposed to be the person that he knew the best out of the whole team, he was the one that he should know every last detail about - he was in love with him after all.

Ianto nodded, "My sister and her husband live about half an hour away, but we're not close."

"Why not?" Jack asked curiously.

Ianto shrugged, "We grew apart." he said shortly. Jack sat back in his chair and crossed his arms, sensing that Ianto wanted him to go away.

"Ianto," he said softly, putting his hand on Ianto's leg and rubbing it, "Are you alright? You've been skirting around me ever since... well." Jack swallowed, he didn't want to say it out loud.

Ianto didn't make an effort to pull away, he simply looked up at Jack with sad eyes, "How can you stand it?" he asked, his voice lowering to a whisper, "How can you come into this place every day and know that she died over there." He indicated the pit where the dissection table stood, empty and clean. There was no trace that Tosh had ever lain there, bleeding to death. There was no trace that Owen had ever worked there, no trace that the Torchwood team had ever had a doctor or a computer genius working for them.

"I've seen a lot of death in my time, Ianto." Jack said quietly, thinking about all of the people he had loved and lost and knowing that some day he would also lose Ianto. "If i stopped to mourn every single one of them, I wouldn't have the will to continue on."

"I don't know if I can do this anymore, Jack. This job is like drugs, it pulls you in, it makes you happy and then it kills you. They both died less than a week ago and all we're doing is running around catching more weevils! They deserve more respect than this!"

"What do you expect me to do? Just call it a day for a month while we all recover? Ianto, we are here to stop anything alien attacking the rest of the city. We can take time off, but Aliens don't. We have to carry on, Ianto."

"I don't want to carry on," Ianto whispered, "Not without them."

"You have to," Jack said simply.

Ianto looked at him scathingly, "Maybe all those deaths that you've seen have numbed you from feeling emotion, Jack. Or maybe you're just so alive that you've died inside."

Ianto stood up and walked quickly towards the door, seething with anger. Jack watched as the cog-like door rolled open with a clanking sound and rolled shut just as quickly. He knew that there was no point in going after Ianto. He was hurting and he needed to deal with it. Jack could only vaguely remember the last time he had stopped to grieve for someone. He had lived so many lifetimes, died so many times, lost more people than anyone could ever understand. And he was still here, but only because he had to be.

With a resigned sigh he grabbed his coat and swung it over his shoulders, tonight wasn't a good night to be alone.

He knew Ianto's address by heart. The number of times that Ianto had told him to come and visit when he had wanted to join Torchwood, Jack couldn't remember, but he did remember the details that Ianto had given him every single time.

His hand hovered over the doorknocker, apprehensive as to whether he should knock and try to apologise or just to go back to the hub and get pissed. He shrugged, if he was going to get pissed he may as well rope Ianto into it. He rapped on the door four times and waited.

It was a few seconds before the door opened to reveal Ianto, still in his suit with angry tears glistening on his cheeks, "What do you want?" he asked through clenched teeth.

"I'm sorry," Jack said, "I'm sorry for telling you to get over it, I forget how hard it is for most people. They were our friends."

"Yeah... well... sorry isn't going to bring them back, is it?" Ianto said, turning his back to Jack and collapsing onto his couch. Jack stepped over the threshold, shutting the door behind him as he shook his head. "Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to be you," Ianto said, "Always dying and then coming back, dying with the people you love and then having to come back to a world without them."

"It's a long life," Jack said simply, sitting down next to Ianto and taking the younger man's hand in his, "Eventually you get used to that sort of thing."

"If this is how you feel constantly, then I would rather be burned slowly to death than feel like this for the rest of my life," Ianto whispered, "Nothing is worse than this."

Jack put his hand on Ianto's cheek, "Hey, it'll be alright in the end, just you wait and see."

Ianto held Jack's hand there, "Every time I shut my eyes I can see her, just lying there with that napkin pressed to her stomach. All I can hear is Owen's rage and his screams. She died trying to save him." The tears flowed down Ianto's face like Jack had never seen before. He wiped them away with his thumb as Ianto's body shook with sobs. He felt tears pricking in his own eyes and reaching up to touch his face, his hand came away wet. He felt like something had broken inside of him and that a heavy weight that had been suspended in his throat for a week had dropped all the way down into his stomach, settling there for what seemed like eternity.

"Come here," He said, cradling Ianto's face in his hands. He pulled Ianto in and kissed him softly. "I'm sorry," Jack whispered, pulling Ianto in to his chest as Ianto's hands snaked around his waist, "I'm so sorry."

He could hear Ianto's ragged breaths and feel his beating heart against his own. He kissed the top of Ianto's head and wiped away his tears.

"Hey," he said gently, taking Ianto's hand from his back and placing it over his heart, "You feel that?" Jack asked, Ianto nodded, "They're never truly gone. They'll always be with us, in here." He tapped the back of Ianto's hand as he felt his heartbeat, "As long as you can feel your heart beating, they're here with you."

Ianto smiled weakly at him, sniffing slightly. Jack rose from the couch and grabbed the bottle of tequila that Ianto had obviously pulled out just seconds before he had arrived. He poured it quickly into two glasses and handed one to Ianto.

"To absent friends," he said raising his glass. Ianto nodded, clinking his own glass against Jack's.

"Yeah," he whispered, "to absent friends."

AN: This is how I've always pictured Ianto coping with Tosh and Owen's deaths. I mean he was there for Suzie's death but nobody really mourned her because of what she did, but I mean, you saw Jack, Ianto and Gwen when they found Tosh just after the power plant blew and their reactions to her video were absolutely heartbreaking.

This is my first attempt at Janto so I hope I've got the characters right!

I'd love it if you could leave me a review, I'd love the feedback!

DFTBA,
Best Wishes

Nayla xx