Please don't be thrown by the serious sounding title. This is actually nothing more than a crack chapter that shouldn't be taken seriously.

Long time no update can't even begin to cover how long I've disappeared for. Don't worry, I still have lots more chapters to go. This fic is not dead yet! Well I know everyone has been really impatient with me. I'm really sorry but my final exams will be ending a week or so, therefore I can dedicate more time to write after that :D

Meanwhile, there's something to placate everyone XP It's been lurking in my Reject Folders for a while now but I deemed it presentable enough to show the world so here ya go~

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

In which Sting is completely clueless as to how to woo the person of his affections and seeks advice from the people close to him (past and present)

From Weisslogia (Who is Sting's father therefore is the first person whose advice he actually listens to)

"Sting, my son. The day in which you seek a mate will soon befall us. As your father, I must educate you."

Young Sting stopped gnawing on the shard of light long enough to look at the white dragon. "Okay!"

"The first step is to claim your mate. Show the world she's yours. Mark her."

"Okay..." Sting breathed. "Claim her, bite her, show the world she's mine. Seems simple enough, Sting Eucliffe."

Striding towards the blonde by the counter, he said, "Heya Lucy."

"Um...hi?" said the female, putting the cup down to survey him with a curious gaze.

Sting swallowed. "I think you have something in your arm. Let me get that for you."

*chomp*

"...Sting Eucliffe, you did not just bite me."

"Um...oops?"

"LUCY KICK!"

[The hospital bills came next month and Sting was thoroughly broke. Who knew that horrible kick could deal so much damage?!]

From Gray (Who is an idiot with idiot ideas and whydidStingevenbothertoeverlistentohisbullcrap)

"Buddy," Gray slung a hand around his shoulder, "Ya gotta learn from animals. That's why they're so successful in mating. They've got super skills, man."

"Er...what?"

The Ice Mage sighed, before flicking him a DVD. "Watch and learn man, watch and learn."

"Is it just me or does this DVD says 'Wolves and their mating habits'?"

...

"Man this is so whacked up."

"Gray, I am not peeing on her door."

"Do what you must, Sting."

"Lucy, is that a guy..."

"Ew, what's he doing to my door?"

"Holy shit, is he peeing on it?"

"Oh god, run, Lu-chan! It's a flasher!"

"A flasher? Who dares corrupt the innocent eyes of my fellow comrades?!"

"GO GET HIM, ERZA!"

[Let's just say that if Sting became infertile, it'd be all Titania's fault.]

From Rogue (who may have been suffering from cookie withdrawal after Yukino confiscated his secret stash)

"What?"

"I said, I want to woo Lucy."

"What?"

"Are you hearing right? I said—"

"I know what you said."

"—then?!"

"What?"

"What do you propose?"

"I'm not marrying you. Get back to your Lucy."

"I don't mean—"

"What?"

Sting sighed. "J-just go back to your cookie, Rogue."

"...what?"

"...cookie?"

"...where are my cookies?"

"COOKIES!"

"What the...Rogue, why are your eyes swirling...?"

From Loke (Because he is one of Lucy's key thingies so he should know. And if he didn't, he ought to)

"Please Sting. It's all about the responsibility. You gotta show her that you can take care of her and your kids."

"I have kids...?"

"Ever seen chicken? They do miraculous things."

"Miraculous things? I've peed on her door. Believe me when I say it's not a nice experience being kneed in the nuts by Titania."

"What the..."

"I do not need to learn from a penguin."

"Chicken. It'll work this time, trust me."

"I'm ho—Sting Eucliffe what the hell are you doing here."

"Er," Sting said, trying to curl his body around the abundance of chicken eggs on the bed without squishing them in the process. At the same time he was using his toes to make sure they didn't all fall to their dooms on the ground, nudging them back to the spot near his belly. "Welcome home?"

"Get your eggs and get out."

[That was a waste of money. And eggs. Eggs are food.]

From Natsu (His idol and final resort)

"What the hell, man? You did so much stupid things?"

"It's not my fault your comrades' suggestions are apeshit."

"You know what—"

"What?"

"Just be yourself."

"Around Lucy?"

"When it comes to Luce, nothing's more important than being yourself."

[Well. That was the most valuable piece of information he'd received all year.]

I swear this is the stupidest thing I've written so far T-T

I know that was a shitty way to wrap it all up but I got inspired a little by this so maybe I'll work on another follow-up. Meanwhile I'm afraid you guys will have to contend with this pathetic chapter for a week or two until I get Lucy's Revival up. I know I've been postponing it for a while now but hey, I promise it'll be really lengthy (at least it seems to be to me) and worth the time XP

Review everyone! Thank you ALL for supporting me and most importantly, sticking by and bearing with my un-update-ness. Thank you and review!