Fallout

Hey guys! Based on the overwhelmingly positive response to my first oneshot after a long time on hiatus, Lost Chances, I've decided to take the chance and start up a multichap fic again. I'm hoping that the inspiration-train will keep rolling, and that I'll be able to finish it before I go back to school. Anyway, a big thank you to all of those who read and reviewed Lost Chances and contributed to me regaining my sea legs and gaining enough confidence to want to take on another project. You are my heroes

Plot: After being tortured by Sidirov, Deeks has, inevitably, drastically changed. Six months later, Deeks is back at work, thanks in part to some strings pulled by Hetty. Kensi faces the fallout of "the incident" in the most personal way. How will she deal with the New Deeks? Can she still love him? Can he still love her?

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me. Just borrowing

He lay so perfectly still in his hospital bed that every time she looked at him she almost had to do a double-take. He didn't look like Deeks.

Firstly, well, because the swelling of his jaw and mouth kind of distorted his face, and there were long scars all over his chest, making him literally look unlike himself. She knew that will go down, though. The physical scars will fade. In not too long, he'll be as annoyingly and unexpectedly beautiful as he always was.

The second reason was because in all the years that they've worked together, Kensi had never seen Marty Deeks lie still for such a long time. Even the time he'd been shot. He'd been out for a couple of hours then, and she'd worried by his bedside, but then he woke up and was immediately back to his old self – joking and teasing… It had been three days now. Three days of sitting beside his bedside, grasping his hand, terrified. The doctors were full of explanations as to why he wasn't waking up; his body was in shock… She couldn't be bothered to try and decode their babbling, not with her partner lying still before her, and so many questions as to what was going to happen next plaguing her mind. Deeks had kissed on her on the hilltop; she had felt his sweet, soft lips on hers, communicating oh-so-efficiently all the feelings she had been so scared of. So, naturally, she ran. In hindsight, the worst thing she could have ever done. Because now, only a handful of days post-kiss, she was sitting in his hospital room and hating herself for possibly forever losing the opportunity to tell him how she really felt…

She looked down at his face now; even with the swelling and the scars and everything, he looked kind of peaceful lying this still. But she knew there will be no peace for him when he wakes up. Nate had come to talk to her a couple of days ago. He had sensitively, in his usual way, probed her as to what she thought was going to happen after Deeks woke up. She had told him what she'd told everyone that had come to visit him and asked her the same question: she was his partner. She was his friend. She wasn't going to abandon him, no matter what happened. She was going to support him and love him and do whatever it took to help him get through this. Yes, she knew what she was getting into. She had dealt with PTSD before. No, it was going to be different this time. She's different now. Deeks is different – so different. He was going to be just fine, and she was going to be just fine. And silently (never out loud), they were going to be perfectly fine.

She would never have told Nate, of anyone else for that matter. But in the many hours she had spent by his bedside, mulling over everything that's happened and worrying over what will happen next, she had allowed herself a few precious moments to fantasize. What if Deeks, in that magical way of his of doing exactly the opposite of what she and the world expected, was okay when he woke up? What if he let everyone help him, and let her help her, and was okay? And he'd still love her, and she'd tell him she loves him like she should have when he kissed her on the hill; they'd kiss and he'd make the world seem bright and beautiful again. They'll retire from this stupid job that almost took away the only thing she held dear, get a little house by the sea with a big yard, and have lots of crazy ninja mutant assassin babies with bright blue eyes, and brown hair, and crooked smiles…

A stirring caused Kensi to be startled out of her daydream. Just a stir – his hand in hers, trembling a little. She looked at their hands, up at his face, back down again… Her eyes quickly darted to the call button by his bed, but it was too far away without letting his hand go and she was unwilling to do so at that particular moment.

"Deeks?" She whispered, tentatively.

No reply. She sighed, feeling the heavy disappointment weigh down on her chest. She must've imagined it…

But when a long, pained groan sounded through the room, Kensi jumped up from her seat – this was real. He was waking up. After three days, he was waking up. She wanted to yell for help, but her voice didn't seem to work. When Deeks let out another dragged-out noise of pain, she startled a bit, and willed herself to let go of his hand, and slammed down on the call button.

Nurses swooped in only moments later. They spoke in decisive, high-pitched, nonsensical sounds, and Kensi could only back up against the wall and watch as they pressed buttons and plugged things and paged people. One young nurse gently touched her forearm and told her that the doctor was on his way to check Deeks up and that she'd better wait in the waiting room. She sedatedly nodded and let the woman lead her away to the door. She looked back once before she exited, and caught a glimpse of wild, bright blue eyes, now open and searching the room frantically.

X

Six months later

"Are you sure you're ready for this?"

Silence was her reply; an angry silence, she knew. He hated it when she asked stuff like that, or referred to "the incident" at all. But she had to; she couldn't not ask.

"I mean… I know you feel fine and everything, but six months is extraordinarily soon to go back to work after… Are you sure you don't want to take just a little while longer off?"

"Kens." His voice was hard now. It's been hard like this all six months since he'd woken up. It's one of the defining features that distinct New Deeks from Old Deeks. "I've jumped through all the hoops, 'kay? I've taken the psych evaluations; I've talked about my feelings more in these last months than probably in the whole sum of the rest of my life. Hetty thinks I'm good to go back to work. So I'm good to go back to work."

If this was Old Deeks, she'd have playfully rolled her eyes and said something sarcastic about how he charmed and/or guilt-tripped Hetty into pulling strings to get him back on her service. She had always had a soft spot for their blonde liason, and his temporary substitute, a pale-faced, dark-haired agent from Nebraska, annoyed her more than a little. Besides, after almost quitting for the utmost time (and being coaxed into staying only by her and Callen's insistence and begging), Kensi knew the diminutive woman blamed herself more than a little for allowing Deeks to go in alone. Just like she herself felt responsible for not having his back. Not being his partner in the moment he needed a partner most.

If this was Old Deeks, she'd be brave enough to say those things. But New Deeks was very different to Old Deeks. New Deeks was prone to volatile outbursts at the mention of "the incident", walking out and disappearing for hours at a time until she relented and had his phone traced, and found him in some dive, smelling of whiskey and cigarettes. New Deeks also said a lot more cruel things than Old Deeks… But all this Kensi forgave instantly, because she knew it was his way of coping with the unspeakable things that he must have endured, tied to that chair in the dusty interior of Sidirov's hideout. She forgave him because, different as he was, he was still Deeks. Her Deeks. And damn it, even if he would never admit it, he sorely needed her as much as she needed him.

So instead of saying all those things she was burning to say, she nodded silently and looked down at her hands; they were intertwined with his, their fingers forming a tangle. Deeks' one hand untangled from hers, and she felt him lift up her chin with one finger so that she was looking into his eyes; they have softened now, and he smiled at her. Another distinction: New Deeks' smiles never seemed to reach his eyes, like Old Deeks' did. Still, it was moments like this that she felt there was still a little bit of the man she knew left. And, inevitably, she felt the corners of her mouth twitch upwards and a smile appear, and the words "I believe in you" spilled out of her mouth as a soft, sweet whisper.

He kissed her then. And no matter what Deeks she was dealing with, he was still a pretty amazing kisser. His lips were still as wonderfully soft as they were before, and they pressed against hers with the same gentle insistence, making her heart flutter like a teenager's, and awakening some distinctly adult feelings within her. So she felt herself melt into it, responding eagerly and kissing back with equal fervour until she felt him pull away from her some moments later.

"I should probably run through the shower. Don't want to be late for my first day back." He pulled back the sheets and slid out of his bed, heading towards the en-suite bathroom. She lay a while longer until the bed went cold, listening to the sound of her lover in the shower and trying very hard not to think about anything at all.

So there's the first chapter. I kind of just wanted to set up what's happening here. Please let me know what you guys think!

Much love, Zanny