Shepard took the time to bring the whole box into the bedroom. Garrus was composing a thank you letter for Aethyta.

Shepard felt that now was a good time to try out one of her new vibrators. So Garrus got front row seats to the Shepard Gets Herself Off show. She was wriggling and learning which settings were best and making all sorts of noises.

"For fairness' sake, we should tie you up," Garrus suggested.

"After this round. Wow, seriously, why didn't they issue these as part of the standard kit?"

"Standard human prudery?"

Any reply that Shepard might've made was drowned out by the buzzing. She put herself into what looked like an uncomfortable position; her head dangling off the edge of the bed, her hips undulating in the air while she rose on the balls of her feet.

"Oh, yeah, the rush to my head is just- whooooSHIT-"

Garrus reached out and took an anchoring hold of her ankle, to prevent her from slipping all the way off the bed. Shepard made a sated laugh, as Garrus lifted her into place and positioned her so that he could start tying her up. He looked down at her, brushing locks of hair out of her face.

"... You know, I'm still..." Garrus made an experimental roll of his hips and he didn't emerge. "Yep. It's still knocked out. Heh. Guess what."

"Oh, boy. What are you going to do?"

"Tickle Time!"

"MOTHERFUCKER-!"

Now this, Garrus thought, was entertainment. Shepard was going red in the face, her teeth were bared as she alternately cursed and laughed, and her breasts were bouncing all over the place as she twisted and contorted, trying to get away from him. He paused and she scowled at him.

"This is what I get for keeping you awake, huh?"

"... Yeah," Garrus chuckled smugly.

He looked at the box, his mandibles twitching meditatively before he retrieved the nipple clamps.

"Well, okay, that's more like it," Shepard amended.

He put them on after readying her with prolonged attention from his tongue.

"How's that?" he asked. "Turn them on now?"

"Go ahead."

Shepard broke out with giggles at the sensations.

"This is totally working for me. Now I just need to stop laughing-"

"But I like how you sound when you laugh."

"In the middle of sex?"

Garrus shrugged.

"... And we are learning all sorts of kinks we have, aren't we?"

"It's not a kink, you just sound nice, that's all."

"Yeah, and I won't find a subscription to Turian Tickle Fetish Magazine in the battery, will I-" Shepard grins.

"There is no such thing-"

"Because you looked for it for subscription purposes, I'm onto yoooou, Garrus-"

"You'll stop talking once I start fucking you."

"Yeah, and when are you going to start-"

Shepard laughed in triumph when Garrus didn't try to hide his aggravated mandible clench. And then he growled and made the rolling of his hips that preceded emergence.

We're probably going to have to see a psychiatrist about why it turns the both of us on to annoy the shit out of each other, Shepard thinks.

And then Garrus plunges in and starts a punishing pace.

Or not, Shepard amends. The reasons are perfectly clear.

She can't move, she's got vibrations centered on her nipples and Garrus is pounding her out. Life is beautiful and Shepard sings out fantastic.

"Life in the galaxy is varied and mysterious," Shepard sighed, while Garrus undid her bindings and rubbed ointment on her. "Evolution is one big crapshoot."

"Whatever works," Garrus nods.

"Nobody would get any work done if they weren't turians and had to go through this."

"Salarians would."

"Don't the males outnumber females almost 40 to 1?"

"... Point. That would be pretty frustrating and then there would be mayhem and murder."

"Hanar."

"... This one's going to enkindle the shit out of you."

"Ha ha ha!"

"Does a woman like it when this one does this?"

"What are you-"

"Is this one pleasing a woman when this one does it like this?"

"Garrus- Oh-"

"This one likes that a woman can't really talk right now."

"...Aaah! You- FUCK!"

"A woman uses profanity. This one must be good."

"Ha ha ha- Oh FUCKFUCKFUCK-"

…

…

…

…

"... Okay."

"... Yeah."

"How did that happen? How did you manage to make third-person politeness hot? What manner of turian space magic is this?"

"Can't think. Kind of in the middle of the afterglow, here."

"Ass."

"Love you too."

By the time Garrus is well and over his Seclusion, the apartment looked like the aftermath of a rockstar's bender. They'd put in more holes into the drywall, there were puddles of lube in odd places, there were levo and dextro chocolate smears on the kitchen counter, and the whole place smelled like turian cum.

Incidentally, it wasn't an unpleasant smell, being sweet. Garrus was just never going to hear the end of how Eau de Turian Love Stain was going to be next big perfume hit, if you just add in notes of vanilla and a robust floral like gardenia or jasmine for oomph. Shepard was rolling as she pretended to be a fashionable lady; 'Oh, you like the scent I'm wearing? I know, it's just divine, darling. It's new-new and just too-too! What is it? I'm covered in Turian Love Stain-' 'AAAARGH!'

"I had fun," Shepard concluded as they walked towards the shuttle that would take them to where the Normandy was waiting for them.

"Good to know," Garrus deadpanned.

"Seriously. It's fun. And now that I know, we'll plan better for the next times."

She's looking up at him with such sincerity and openness that Garrus could only stop in the middle of the street, holding onto her shoulder and nudging his forehead into hers and holding still, despite being in public.

"All the next times," he murmurs. "I promise you'll know beforehand."

Shepard just gives him a silent, radiant smile, before they walk on.

finis