The Feminine Hygiene Mistake Prologue J. Franklin

THE FEMININE HYGIENE MISTAKE

PROLOGUE

(SCENE: A grocery mart. HOWARD is shopping with RAJ. They are pushing a shopping cart loaded with items as HOWARD consults a list.)

RAJ: It was nice of Bernadette to trust you with the grocery shopping!

HOWARD: Well, her motivations weren't quite voluntary. She's in the lab all day and can't take any calls, so I volunteered to do it.

RAJ: And she let you?

HOWARD: (Shrugs) It was either that or have my mother do it.

RAJ: Oh. Good call. (Pauses) Can we hurry up? I want to get home and watch the director's cut of "Aliens."

HOWARD: (Checking grocery list) You've seen it a hundred times.

RAJ: Not on blu-ray!

HOWARD: It's the same ending as the first one. Sigourney Weaver runs around in a t-shirt and makes you hot and need a shower.

RAJ: Yes, but now it will be in high definition!

HOWARD: (Scanning list) Okay, I think that about covers everything…(Stops)

RAJ: And?

HOWARD: (Quietly) Oh, no…

RAJ: What, "oh, no?"

HOWARD: She can't be serious.

RAJ: What is it?

HOWARD: Look. (Shows him the list. RAJ's eyes widen.)

RAJ: Dude! You can't buy those!

HOWARD: I know! I don't know what she was thinking!

RAJ: Girls don't let guys buy those! They buy them themselves!

HOWARD: I KNOW THAT!

RAJ: Well, then why did she put them on the list!

HOWARD: (Pauses) Well, gee, Raj, let's think. Why would a woman put these items on her grocery list?

RAJ: (Sighs) No, I know that. I just don't know why she's asking YOU to get them!

HOWARD: Because it must be an emergency! I said she was in the lab all day!

RAJ: And because of that YOU need to buy them?

HOWARD: No, because of Mother Nature's cruel sense of humor I have to buy them! (Hands RAJ list.) Here, you do it.

RAJ: What?! Oh, no. Not me. She's your wife. You buy them! (Hands list back.)

HOWARD: But I don't know anything about them!

RAJ: And you think I do?

HOWARD: No, but it's less embarrassing for me if you're the one who does it.

RAJ: Nice try, dude.

HOWARD: (Takes deep breath) Okay, okay. I can be mature about this. All I need to do is find the aisle and I can pick them up. How hard can it be?

(They turn down the next aisle. The camera slowly pans back down the aisle showing the shelves filled with feminine hygiene products.)

RAJ: Dude, you are so screwed.

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