standard disclaimer applies.
warning: extremely perverted Sougo

B is for Boners

dedicated to bearsbeetsburritos

thanks sweetie.

"Are you sure you want me to do this huh?"

Despite her question, Kagura swiftly and gracefully turned around on his lap without even waiting for the answer. She moved quite a bit before settling into a comfortable position and finally letting her whole weight rest on his body. The vermilion-haired Yato was facing the wall instead of her declared rival. However, the move was not for pleasing her "unwanted customer." Rather, it was part of her so-called strategic plan to allow her easy escape if the need arises. After all, her work in the Yorozuya had taught her to look for possible escape routes from the very beginning of any job. As this was a job, it certainly needed an emergency exit.

Unlike her search for ease and convenience, the unnecessary friction from the movement brought a painful discomfort to Sougo. For every twist and turn that the hotblooded girl did on his lap, he could feel his pants tightening further. He honestly wished that he was wearing his hakama instead of his Shinsengumi uniform. Unfortunately, the fun night actually started as a police mission, so it was just their luck that they can play around tonight. But by the time Kagura began purposely grinding her booty against him, all his earlier complaints could be considered null and void. He had a feeling that his pants were about to explode from the constraint. If he was wishing for his hakama before, he was now desiring for his commander's confidence to run around naked like the day he was born.

Rub. Grind. Rub. Grind.

Body to body.

Pleasant sensations rippled and pulsed through their bodies. It was electrifying.

"Uhhh!" Even the usually apathetic Sougo could not help but let out a moan of pleasure. Teasing from China be damned! She was his slave for today and he'll show her his satisfaction. 'She'll probably destroy this place when in the end I tell her what a shitty host she is.' But then again, he also sincerely tried to keep it down as the two other members of the Yorozuya were just nearby. Unlike his fellow cops, or maybe just their commander, he knew that the two other "women" entertaining the shogun were danna and megane. However, he did not reveal their trickery, but kept it in mind for additional blackmail ammo. And besides, he could always blame Hijikata for not doing his job properly.

Nonetheless, he did not want them barging and stopping his fun. The two were quite protective of the banshee on his lap. This current scene of peace and tranquility could easily transform into a scene of carnage that would be highlighted by swords and asses. He was not also keen on hearing a reprimand for his rude behavior in front of the shogun that was "unbecoming of a police officer," especially if it would be from the cigarette-smoking mayo-lover. This was a night of pleasure, not of senseless fighting. Unless the fight involved getting the female Yato hotter for him, he certainly did not want to participate and get himself into trouble.

Going back to focus his mind and energy to the girl in front of him, he noticed that she was attempting another grind. Throwing out the idea of just letting her be, Sougo decided to be more involved. Deftly, he placed his hands on her wide hips to forcefully bring her body closer to his and whispered to her ear, "Yes, that's it China. Grind some more. Serve your beloved master."

"Who the fuck are you calling beloved master? I ain't nobody's slave," she grunted, unintentionally grinding harder in anger. Her face was flushed in a mixture of anger, shame and perhaps, ecstasy. It was a good thing though that he could not see her face. She would most likely kill someone from her embarrassment. "Aren't you the one who's becoming a slave to this?"

"Oh really? Are you sure about that?" Sougo was extremely pleased. Sure, he loves to play around with girls and turn them into his subservient play dolls, but they all give up too easily. Like dolls, they broke too fast. A resisting partner, who'll probably put up a fight until the very end, seems more interesting. The toughness can unquestionably last plays after plays after plays. The girl – no, the woman – is the best play thing he could ever have. China is the cream of the crop, except he'll never admit it to the public or even to himself. After all, he never imagined himself going down and dirty with her. She used to be just a tough opponent. Kagura was never a female to her. Seeing her in a new light, he hoped that by the night is over, she would really end up on his bed. Naked. "You want to lose that bet?"

"I'm just warning you Sa-di-st. Don't ask for something you can't handle." She stood up and pointed at his growing boner. "You're already quite hard. Can't give you that kind of service, you know? If you force me, I'll have you arrested for sexually harassing a minor."

Sougo deliberately groaned for the lost of warmth. "And are minors supposed to be doing what you did? Just so you know too, I can arrest you for seducing a police officer on duty."

Settling on the seat beside him, Kagura reached out for Sougo's right hand. She batted her long eyelashes at him and said, "Oh yeah, what am I saying? I'm sure you can handle it, oh super diligent policeman! I'm sure you're quite skilled with your right hand. Do you want me to lend you my lotion to make it even easier? It's rose-scented. Anego gave that to me. I don't have tissues though. Shinpachi hogs it. He's quite possessive."

The said policeman just flicked his fingers on her forehead as retaliation. "As if China. But I'll let this slide for now. I'm pretty sure you're getting too worked up already," he said confidently. "And since I'm a very generous policeman, I'll let you decide what to do next."

After the horrible lap dance she was tasked to do, Kagura decided to play a game that would leave the Sadist in utter humiliation and hopefully, away from her for eternity. This time around, she would be the one to get out unscathed. "How about jan-ken-strip? However, the loser for every round can get a chance to avoid stripping if he or she answers the question of the other correctly?"

The glint in Sougo's red eyes showed his increasing interest. Strip. His mind was particularly affixed with that word. However, adding China to it was sending him to another level of excitement he previously thought impossible. Honestly, the shogun was now his favorite person for making this possible. "It sounds interesting China, but how do I know that you are not just saying I'm wrong?"

"Have a little trust in me Sadist! This manga has been going for years and you still don't trust me? Then again, I don't trust you too. Just to placate all your unfounded fears, all the answers will be based on what is written on the Gintama wiki, so the questions should all be related to the horrible manga or even the more horrible anime," Kagura answered while showing him the touchscreen tablet for their game.

"Oi! You're hurting the mangaka and the production staff!" Sougo warned her, but he looked like he couldn't care less if they jumped on a ditch and die. "Do you want to get booted off the show? Might be a good thing though. Your character is useless. All you do is eat and create havoc."

"Are you talking about your character? Because that is really the useless one! All you do is sleep, slack off, and create havoc. But don't you worry for my sake, they'll never do that to the main female protagonist. You, on the other hand, should be more worried since you're just a side character. But while they're not yet decided on what they're going to do with your character, would you like to play the game?"

"Do you even have to ask? I should be the one asking you. Are you ready to lose China?"

"You wish."

Her hair pin. Gone.

His leather shoes. Gone.

Her knee-high boots. Gone.

His socks. Gone.

Her socks. Gone.

His jacket. Gone.

Her black arm guards. Gone.

His vest. Gone.

Her kimono. Gone.

Her bra and pantie were surprisingly white. Save for the small pink ribbons in the middle of the two undergarments, the whole ensemble was really plain. For a whiny brat, it was definitely unheard of. During the pantie thief case, he was sure he saw her eyes glistened in awe as she looked at the panties the gorilla lady presented as baits. He had also heard danna complaining on how she fussed over her plain umbrella, prompting him to buy one to avoid a scary temper tantrum. For someone who's now receiving money from her father, though sporadically, he thought she'll spend the money on more kawaii things that little girls like. "Oh, quite modest you are China or perhaps, a little childish?"

"Shut up!" Despite her brazen behavior, Kagura was really shy when it comes to things like this. It was quite ironic that a couple of years ago, she was telling Anego, Gin-chan and Shinpachi before that she wore a g-string. But growing up had made her conscious of how inappropriate that was. She also had money now, not much, but it still covered her needs. With her allowance from her father, she did not have to wait for her clothes to become too worn out before she could ask (threaten) Gin-chan into buying her a replacement. She could now buy things for her self. Although she really did have cute and even sexy underwears. Her anego had brought her several ones. However, she felt uncomfortable wearing them. Caught between feeling like a kid and an adolescent, she stuck with the designs she was used to. It was just unfortunate that the Sadist had been the one to see. 'Papi! Gin-chan! Shinpachi! I won't be able to get married anymore. I'm so sorry. How did I end up losing to a cruel being?!'

"But somehow it looks cute on you." That statement broke her out of her mental monologue. The comment seriously caught her off-guard. A notorious sadist and all around tormentor spewing out sweet stuff like this? She must have been in a parallel universe. This must be one of those dreams where you wake up in a dark room and everything happens in reverse. 'Why am I feeling tingly? Am I sick? I have to go ask anego later.'

"Oh do I see China blushing?" Sougo taunted.

And easily, the next line ruined the wonderfulness of his previous comment. The Yato was now certain that this was not happening in another dimension. The Sadist beside her was really the devil personified as he is everyday. Gathering her wits, a defiant Kagura said, "Don't be absurd. The redness of my face is due to anger. Specifically, my anger to you!"

Sougo just let out a hearty laugh. "You know it's unhealthy to constantly make yourself believe in lies. You're even hurting this poor policeman's heart. But enough about that, how about we skipped the next round and you just strip down to nothing because there is no way you'll win against me."

"HENTAI!" Kagura attempted to kick him in his nuts, but he easily deflected it. Undeterred, she decided to send a jab to his face. But years of constant spars with each other have made Sougo capable of reading her attacks more accurately. Before her fist touched his face, he made a move to stop it with his left hand. Knowing her instinct to make use of her other body parts to inflict harm on her opponents, he trapped her in a tight embrace.

She froze. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I'm seriously filing a case against you! I'll have the gorilla and the mayora make you commit seppuku."

"Now, now China, do you really want to lose the bet with your uncouth mouth and behavior? Tsk." He even moved his head repeatedly from left to right to emphasize his disapproval. "I'll let go of you, but only if you promise not to attack me."

"I can't promise you that," she answered him hotly. Getting over her initial shock, she began trashing in his hold.

"Then, I'm afraid I'll keep you lock in this embrace," he said, tightening his hold on her more. "Do you want your Gin-chan to catch you in this? He'll be disappointed. Danna will probably send you back to Baldie for your lack of morals. Megane will also lecture you for hours. Do you want that?"

"Fine. I promise not to hurt you. But I'm doing this because I don't want to hear Shinpachi's voice for hours. Gin-chan wouldn't care. He's the epitome of immorality next to you. So can you let go now?"

Despite his hesitations, Sougo really let her go. Luckily for him, she kept her word. "How about a compromise China? If you win the next round, I'll strip all of my clothes..."

Kagura looked at him from head to toe. Unlike her, he was still clothed. He had his white shirt and pants on. Even if she did win the next round, there'll be no telling if she'll win the next. This was her chance to get back at him. "And if I lose? Not that it'll happen."

"Simple. I strip you off of your clothes," he said.

"WHAT?!" She was now flabbergasted. She never knew how much of a pervert the Sadist is. Of course, she knew how he played around with girls, because that always left a bad taste on her mouth and a prickly feeling on her chest. Being the subject of that was a different matter though. It evoked feelings she could not identify. But if there was one thing she was sure of right now, it was that if she was unafraid of him before, she was starting to become one now. Her inability to predict his next actions greatly scared her. This wasn't the sadist she knows.

"Are you scared?"

But Kagura couldn't show, more so, admit that she was. The Sadist would make use of that to his advantage. She doesn't need him to have more power over her. He doesn't need more leverage. She, on the other hand, needed an upper hand in this situation. "Of course not! Who would be scared of a lousy sadist? Bring it on! But if I win the next round, you just don't strip all of your clothes, you will run around the town naked and you automatically lose the bet," Kagura challenged back.

"That's fine with me."

saisho wa gu
jan ken pon
aiko de sho
sho, sho, sho

"How could I lose? You cheated!" Kagura cried in indignation.

"Don't be a sore loser China. You used scissors. I used rock. I won fair and square. But don't fret, you still have the trivia."

"Fine. I'm sure I'll have the answer to that," Kagura said, although she was panicking inside. This was her last chance. She did not want the Sadist to see her naked body. She still wanted to be married in the future and hopefully, it will be to a nice, handsome, rich guy. Someone who was definitely not like the Sadist.

"Well, for the last trivia, who is considered the bishounen of this series?"

"Huh? We have bishounens in this series? The guys are really not that handsome you know. Hmm... Gin-chan? Who would like a naturally permed guy? Shinpachi? He's too plain. Same with the Shinsengumi-jimi. Zura? Well, bishounens are somewhat girly in their looks, but Zura takes it a level higher, so no. Gori? More of a gorilla than a human. Madao? Definitely not. Nii-san? Well we did come from the same genes, so he could probably one; but no."

"I'm giving you 10 seconds to answer me." For some reason, Sougo found himself annoyed. "Ten, nine, eight—"

"Okay, okay. I just need to choose between Takasugi and Mayora," she said in irritation. "Since I know Mayora more, I'll pick him."

Sougo found himself clenching his fists after hearing her answer. With that many male characters in Gintama, China had to really chose the most irritating one. He was torn between hating her answer or loving it for being wrong. Resigned that making himself hate it would just make him really feel bad, he opted to enjoy his success instead. "Bad choice China!"

"Huh? How could that be? You're deliberately telling me I'm wrong when I'm not."

"Then check it on the wiki." Sougo pushed the tablet to her, but she ignored it.

"Don't you know that anybody can change the contents of that? What if you changed it while I was thinking of the answer?"

Sougo sent her a look that meant 'Are you kidding me?' Keeping himself calm by reminding himself that he emerged victorious in the game, he explained to her that she could check the time stamp to see when was the last time that entry was edited. The moment she saw it, she hunched her shoulders in defeat.

"How could you be the bishounen?!"

"I don't know. I'm not the one who decided such things," he said nonchalantly. "Now that you have accepted your mistake, can I now strip you off or are you going to be a chicken and run away?"

"I'm not a coward. Go ahead! Strip me. Let's see how you bow down to my delectable body!"

"I'll help myself then."

Sougo moved closer to Kagura. He motioned her to turn around, so that her back was facing him. Putting his hands on her shoulders first, he could feel her shaking. "Oi China. If you're really that scared, you can back out."

"I don't back out!" Knowing that telling her that more would just make her more defensive, he slowly reached for her bra straps then glided his fingers down to the fastener. The renowned sadist could feel his pants getting tighter again. Letting his fingers ghost a bit more on top of the fastener, he waited for China's final protests from the actions. 'Is she really going to agree with this?' Hearing nothing from her after about a minute, he steeled his resolve to actually claim his prize. Proceeding with caution, he started unhooking the bra, only to be stopped by a booming voice.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING SOUGO?" Hijikata shouted.

He was certain that he was going to die of blue balls, but before that, he'll slit the throat of the fucking cockblocker.

The trivia really did come from the Gintama wiki. Credit for the romanized lyrics of the jan-ken-pon song goes to Donald Ash of The Japan Guy.

So how did it go? I love to hear all your thoughts on the story!

By the way, I want to thank the following for taking time to drop some new reviews for the first two chapters: 8ouji-Rui, mizz-sandra, Elixiria, Guest, Guest, Inky, ao no samurai, bearsbeetsburritos, KidTantei, ANON, PrincessofChina07, RenjiRulez5986 and OkiKagu. You guys are awesome! Likewise, thank you to those who added this story on their favorites and alerts list. It made me extremely happy.

bearsbeetsburritos - Your review actually prompted me to write this chapter. Thank you so much. I hope you enjoyed this one!

RenjiRulez5986 – Hi! I had a Japanese Studies course when I was in college and fashion was part of our lessons. In our class, it was discussed that there are different styles of kimonos, including the furisode, which is characterized by the "long ass sleeves" that you noted. This type of formal kimono is worn mainly by young unmarried women, which is why I specifically noted it instead of just writing kimono. Kurotomesode is the formal counterpart for married women. Furisode also has variants called the ko-furisode, which is shorter and the o-furisode, which is longer. Thank you very much for your reviews! I hope I didn't disappoint you on the "perverted-ness" of this story! :D

mizz-sandra - I'm really trying to write longer chapters. In fact, I considered your review as a challenge and this is the product! I hope you had fun reading this one! :)

KidTantei - Wow! I'm flattered that you find my story sexy. It's the first time I've read such a comment on my stories. It's giving me the happy glows. Thank you so much!

Next chapter might really have an M rating, so look forward to it!