Chapter 3: Justified (Ed's POV)

Damn it. She was looking at me that way. Like I'd made her cry without know I'd done it. Like she'd meant it when she'd just said she hadn't been sure I was coming back. This was so much worse than I'd prepared for. She wasn't getting angry. It was like it had just turned off and all that was left of her was raw concern.

I just couldn't look at her. Truth was, I really wasn't doing so well. I wasn't dead, but that was just luck. I deserved the look I was getting from her. My hand rubbed the outer thigh of my stump, the part that had started cramping on the train. Standard discomfort I'd been living with. She'd know about it soon.

"Winry…" I let my hand rest next to me. "No. No, there's no excuse. I…I'm sorry."

Dammit, Ed! What the hell kind of answer was that? Two years without a word and that's it? You're sorry? Perfect.

Winry was looking at me with the same eyes, the blue getting heavier as she picked up that she didn't know the half of it. That was always the first thing she picked up on, that I was protecting her from something.

Her face didn't exactly frown, but it did something close. She almost looked betrayed. "That's not good enough, Ed. You always have a reason."

Not a good one. "I…found something out. It took up a lot of time working through. I haven't talked to Al in months. Just haven't had the time."

"Yeah, Al told me," Winry said. "He called me first. Wanted to know if I'd heard from you. I'm used to you disappearing, but he's not."

I was more than aware of that by now. I'd given Al a call on my way to Resembool and he'd nearly chewed me out. Couldn't blame him. I was an idiot.

"You've gotten involved in something dangerous again, haven't you?" Winry said, suddenly less gentle in her tone. "You promised you wouldn't do this. You said you were done taking risks. You've already paid for taking risks a hundred times. You said it was over!"

"It is," I said. It was the only thing to say.

"Then tell me what happened to your leg."

Oh, not yet. "I told you. The automail wasn't compatible with my stump."

"It used to be," she said.

Great going. Now it sounded like I was criticizing her craftsmanship. "Yeah, it used to be, but…"

"But what?" Her eyes were hard and angry, but her tone was wounded. "What did you do to it, Ed? Why did you have to take it off? Why didn't you call me first?"

No, not yet, Winry. I just got home. "I swear I haven't been fighting again. I don't even have my alchemy anymore."

"You never needed alchemy to fight."

"I haven't been fighting, Winry." This was bad.

"That's not how it looks."

"I haven't."

"Then where were you?" she demanded. "Research doesn't keep you from a phone and strip your automail off your stump."

"For the last time," I groaned. "I haven't been doing anything dangerous. I couldn't if I wanted to."

Winry paused from staying angry at me. I hated it when she figured things out because I'd been sloppy. It always ended in tears. Her eyes drifted and rested on my stump. I realized a little too late that my hand was rubbing the cramping side again. I folded my arms, but she'd seen.

"Ed," she said. "Why aren't you wearing your automail?"

"It wasn't compatible—"

"I know that part," she said. "Tell me why it wasn't."

I could see the way she was looking from me to my stump. She wanted to take a look. I sighed and I couldn't help the frustration in my breath. "Fine," I said in a grumble. "I thought it was over, but it's not. Turns out my body must've gone through the Portal too many times. Looks like the Gate left my stump with some long term damage I hadn't expected. It's rough, passing through dimensions over and over when your body has weak points." I shrugged uselessly. "I didn't want to worry you or Al for nothing. I was convinced I'd find a way to reverse the deterioration before it came to this. I'm sorry, Winry. I should've just had it redone the moment it started."

Aw, jeez. I'd worded it wrong. Her eyes were getting heavy all over again. But, then again, how was I supposed to word that kind of news right? After all she'd done to get me back on my feet, I'd ended up cripple all over again. She hated seeing me so pathetic and I hated having to come to her this way. Part of me was starting to wish I hadn't even come.

"Alright," she said softly. She met my eyes and forced a smile. "Guess I'd better start working on a new design. Sounds like you might need some major adjustments done to your port. I know how fidgety you get staying in one place for too long."

"Actually," I said, "I think I'm done traveling for a while."

Winry looked up at me like she thought I was being a smartass.

"I'm serious," I said. "Traveling solo's overrated, and Alphonse stays so busy in Xing with Mei. It's been two years. I've gotten all I can out of the west."

"You promise?"

I chuckled. "Well, I don't see myself getting up and walking out the door anytime soon."

"I'm serious, Ed," she said with a pout in her lip. She sighed angrily at me. "You really aren't going to leave me here on my own again?"

The way she said it sliced me. Had she really been that alone all this time? Granny wasn't around anymore, but Winry had always had plenty of friends. The people in Rush Valley had been a second family to her like the military had been for Alphonse and me when we were younger. I hadn't left her completely alone. I would never have done that.

"I'll stick around," I said.

"Promise?" she said, still not trusting my simple statements.

I rubbed my aching thigh. "Yeah, don't worry, Winry. You won't be on your own." I smiled reassuringly. "Promise."

…

My hands gripped the armrests of me seat and I gritted my teeth to keep from groaning. Winry held the end of my stump at the damaged area where my port had warped into my flesh. She gently shifted it at different angles to test for range of motion. My hip still ached from my stump hanging without support for so long. She set my stump down and breathing came a little easier. I let go of the armrests and relaxed my jaw. If something as simple as checking my flexibility had been that painful, I didn't like to think about how I would handle what was to come over the next few weeks. All this time of being out of the military had made me rusty to real pain.

"Done," she said, standing.

"I noticed."

"You're hip can't support your stump's weight if you let it hang like that."

"I know," I said.

Winry folded her arms and glared at the bandage-wrapped area above my port. "Why the bandages, Ed? You told me the blistering stopped after you took off your prosthetic."

I looked down at the wide beige cloth wound securely around the end of my stump. "It's nothing. Just protects it. That's the weak part, remember?"

"Protects it?"

I nodded. "Bruises pretty easily."

"Like…padding? It's gotten that bad?"

I attempted a reassuring smirk. "Told you I was a real idiot this time."

The reassuring smirk didn't seem to get through to her. I'd really messed up this time. She wasn't even angry yet, or at least she didn't show it. She'd paused my check-up completely and was now pulling a chair up from her work desk. She sat silent in front of me, her hands folded on her lap disturbingly passive. Then she looked up from the floor and met my eyes with the inevitable pang I'd been expecting but hoped wouldn't come this soon. That hard look. So, she'd figured it out.

"Ed, you're going to be here for a while."

I said the stupid thing. "Yeah."

"You knew?"

I looked down. Damn. "Yeah."

She seemed surprised. "Maybe a year."

"Yeah."

The hardness melted too soon. Her blue eyes filled with panicked anxiety and she took a sharp breath. "Ed, what's going on?"

"Nothing. I told you already. Just an old wound acting up." I really had told the whole truth this time, though I understood her thinking otherwise. I'd never made any particular effort at keeping Winry informed. Actually, I'd tended to make every effort to keep her uninformed. But things were different now. I'd faced the danger before so I wouldn't have to face it now. It wasn't like I'd gotten into every mess with the full intent of staying in it.

Winry bowed her head. "Tell me."

Her shoulders hunched like she was grieving. Oh, so that was it. I sighed and leaned forward enough to put my hand on her shoulder. The touch seemed to catch her off guard. She looked up at me, which was what I'd wanted. Her eyes sparkled with tears. Great. I'd gotten her geared up to cry. I frowned. "Dummy. It's not going to kill me. It's just my leg. That damn Portal couldn't get a claim on my life-force if it tried." Except for those couple years of my lifespan I'd given up to heal my insides after getting impaled way back when, but she didn't need to know about that now.

She sniffled. "Big jerk. Can't blame me for assuming the worst. It usually is with you."

I couldn't help but laugh. "That's what I like to hear." I took my hand off her shoulder and leaned back. The motion hurt my hip joint and I fought a wince. I smiled instead. "I'll pay you up front if that works for you."

She blinked. "Oh…yeah. No, that's fine."

"Okay." I rubbed my outer thing, gearing up to reach for my crutches. I was a little more than eager to switch rooms. Something about sitting in the old automail workroom seemed uncomfortable. Brought plenty of excruciating flashbacks of having my nerves reconnected for me during tune-ups.

Winry stood and got the crutches for me without me having to ask. She knew this room wasn't my favorite place in the world, I guessed. It looked like she was about to hand them to me, but then she hesitated and let them rest at her side.

"I can get the wheelchair," she said.

The sudden all too familiar image of that damned prison-on-wheels flashed in my memory. I'd spent months being wheeled around in that thing like a baby in a stroller after I'd lost my limbs in the taboo. That wasn't going to happen again.

"I'm good on my crutches," I said. "Thanks."

Winry caught the edge to my voice. I hadn't meant to let myself sound irritated. She handed me the crutches. "Here."

I took them. "Just don't want to get back in that thing. Hasn't gotten that bad yet."

"If you say so."

I did say so. "Winry?"

She was looking at me tensely like she expected me to ask for help up. "Yeah, Ed?"

"Is this alright?" Her eyebrows wrinkled like she didn't understand the question. I felt my face starting to flush. I wanted to slap myself for getting embarrassed asking such a necessary question. "Winry, is it really alright if I stay here? It could be a while."

"Ed?" She had her eyes narrowed like she was trying to figure me out. I hated being figured out. After a moment she finally changed her expression to a smile, an amused one. "Of course it's alright. This is your home."

I pulled my hand down my face, sighing. "That's not what I meant."

"I know," she said.

"Then why…?"

"Because this is your home, Ed." She was irritated. The amusement was gone from her voice. She took a step forward and got in my face. "Not because it's your house. It's your home. It's your home because it's my home."

My chest pounded. I couldn't figure out anything good to say with her hovering angrily like she was. I gulped. "Okay."

She stood straight, pressing her hands on her hips. In spite of all her attempts at annoyance, I caught the fear and sadness in her eyes. Dammit! I'd put that there, hadn't I? Winry frowned and I realized my expression had frozen into a frown itself. I wasn't frowning at her! I was frowning at myself. But how was I supposed to tell her that without sounding like I was overthinking things?

"We had a deal," she said, "remember, Ed? If a ruined amputation site is the only thing that could get you home, then I'm glad you're hurt. Maybe you're worried about your recovery going up to a year, but I hope it takes five years. I…I hope you never recover. Then maybe you won't be able to walk away again."

My chest ached and I realized I wasn't breathing. I took a breath, trying to remember if I'd figured out anything I could possibly say to her on my way over from Creta. No, of course I hadn't. Because there was nothing.

"Two years, Ed." For a moment I thought she was going to storm off and leave me there, but she backed up and slumped into her seat. "Twenty seven months."

"You counted?" I had too, but that sounded stupid for me to be saying. Winry nodded slowly. I was impressed that she wasn't in tears yet. I wondered how much practice she'd had at holding them back since I'd left. I set my crutches on the floor next to me. Not time to switch rooms just yet. "Winry, I…" What was I going to say, again? I swallowed. "I know how you feel. I mean…" She had her eyes down. Had that sounded arrogant? "I know how you felt. Before I told you it was just my leg, when you weren't sure how bad it really was. Well, I wasn't sure either. I didn't know at first if my body had been through too much. I realized the possibility my first month out of Resembool before my leg even started giving me trouble. It's kind of like a rebound if you think about it. The alchemy being too much for a human to take. Well, it turns out going through the Portal three times really was too much for my body to take, but it took me a long time to come to the conclusion that my leg was the only part of me in any danger."

"How long?" She was looking at me again.

I looked away. "I was gone for two years, Winry."

I heard her seat creak as she leaned forward in it. "You spent two years thinking you were dying?"

She made it sound really bad. "I wasn't sure."

"And you didn't come home?"

Obviously.

"Ed?" She looked at me like she wasn't as furious anymore. She was disappointed. "Ed, were you hiding from me?"

"I wasn't…!" Wait. I looked down. "That's not what I meant to do. I thought it would be better if I came home with good news. I just didn't think it was going to take so long." I looked down at my damaged stump. "Or that I'd be coming home with news so far from good. Better than death, though. I guess."

"That's not fair," said Winry quietly. The soft hurt in her voice surprised me. She had her arms hugged around her like I'd hit her or something. She shook her head at me, scolding. "You said you'd give me your life if I gave you mine. You…you're not allowed to die alone. If you really were dying…"

"I know." I couldn't say anything else.

"Ed, those two years belonged to me."

"I know." I had to force myself to keep my eyes locked with hers. "I know that, Winry. That's why I asked if you were alright with me staying here. I messed up knowing I was messing up. That's what hiding is."

Winry stared at me. Something in my voice had come out unsettling. I hadn't meant to sound so upset. I'd planned on coming in and keeping a cool head, keeping the focus off of my issues. But Winry's stare communicated otherwise. She was motionless like I'd stunned her.

I sank. "Look, I know what I did was wrong. I really am sorry. I've been sorry the whole time. I just…"

"You were scared."

"I…" It was no use. "Yeah."

"But you're here now."

"Yeah."

"Then I forgive you," she said.

I felt relief loosen my posture. I hadn't realized how much I'd needed to hear her say that. I watched her tuck a bit of her hair behind her ear self-consciously and a gentle smile pulled at my mouth. "Thank you, Winry."

She looked at me like she hadn't expected a 'thank you.' Her expression turned slightly smug. "Well, you didn't think you were going to get rid of me that easily, did you?" That smile of hers. Even when it was smug it managed to brighten her whole face. I'd missed that smile. I could get used to seeing it more often.

…

Tiny, half-starved, naked body. Can't help her. There's nothing! Can't get her out of that Portal. Trembling with fear. She's just a baby. I'll get you out. I swear! Let her go, dammit!

…

I jolted awake. Jeez! That hurt my stump. I'd been tossing in my sleep again to that same God-awful dream. I'd lost my alchemy and four years later I was still dreaming about that damn Portal. I closed my eyes and curled under the blankets. Same bed I'd slept in when Al and I had lived here the two years following my retirement from the military. The mattress was still just a little too firm.

"Ed?"

Winry's voice echoed from the stairwell. Damn it. I'd woken her up. I could hear her bare feet padding down the steps. She was already on her way. I sat up a little. Where was my shirt? I'd decided to sleep with it off with the heat running so high. I felt around for it. I remembered shoving it somewhere under my pillow. Winry called my name again and I hurried to pull the shirt over my body. Since I'd gotten my arm back, I hadn't needed to take my top off to get my automail worked on up there. There were a lot of scars she hadn't seen since the last time she'd worked on me with my shirt off. I preferred to keep it that way for now.

"Ed!" she said, knocking loudly on the door. "Ed, are you alright."

"Fine," I said hoarsely. My voice came out weak. The damn nightmare must've shaken me up worse than I'd thought. My throat seemed scratchy like I'd yelled a lot this time. I cleared it. "I'm fine, Winry."

She took my reply as an invitation to waltz in. She came through the door and walked straight to where I was. The lights in the hall were out. I guessed her eyes were as used to the dark as mine were right then.

"Ed, what happened?" she said. "Is it your leg? Does it hurt?"

"No," I said. "It's nothing like that. Just a dream. Go back to bed, Winry."

She sat beside me on the edge of the mattress. "A dream? You were screaming, Ed."

I rolled my eyes. "It was a bad dream."

"That doesn't mean you should be screaming bloody murder through it."

"Fine. It was a really bad dream." I curled under my covers again. "Goodnight, Winry."

"Oh. So, it was about the Portal." Al and I had stayed the night at the Rockbell home enough times for Winry to grow used to the idea of Al and I waking up from nightmares about the Truth. She knew the drill. I felt her hand resting soothingly on my arm. "Tell me about it."

"I don't think so." I swallowed, fighting the memory of those big wet eyes, begging to be rescued. I shivered. "Not a good time."

"You can't talk about it?"

"Just a dream," I said. "Drop it."

Her hand lifted from my arm and I realized I'd liked having it there. I wasn't going to ask for it back, though. "I'm sorry," she said. "I was worried you were hurt."

"I'm fine."

"That's what you keep saying."

"I meant it," I said. "Just a stupid dream. Doesn't mean anything."

Winry nodded in the darkness. Her weight lifted from the bed and I watched her turn to leave. The way her back seemed to sway slightly as she walked was haunting from where I was lying. She was the one thing that made my empty room a little less empty.

I swallowed hard. "Winry?"

She stopped and looked over her shoulder at me. "You need something, Ed?"

I sat up a little again. "Just…some water?"

Winry nodded. "Got it." She turned to leave again and I told myself she was coming back. I watched her go and I wondered if she'd noticed the full glass of water already resting on my nightstand.