#tw: eating disorders and self harm

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You love him. Of course you do! No one can quite make your heart beat that fast on cue.

You and Dirk have been together for- you can't- you don't even know how long! But sometimes... Well of course you love him, but you just can't stand him sometimes.

It feels like his mere presence is mocking you; perfection carved from marble with his perfectly toned muscles and well defined joints, prominent clavicles and hip bones.

Ugh.

He's everything you could ever want in a man. He's everything anyone would ever want in a man.

He's everything you yourself want to be.

Stupid, selfish idiot. Instead of angsting like a teenager why don't you get your head out your arse and appreciate what you've got instead of making everyone suffer with your self-absorption.

You know for sure you've got a voracious appetite. Yeah you could afford that with all your adventuring and whatnot, but since you've moved to civilization, there aren't very many dangerous ancient ruins to excavate anymore. You've substituted it with morning jogs and occasional trips to the gym, but running a mile or two every morning doesn't quite burn as many calories as rock climbing up a steep waterfall.

No, not quite.

And that has taken the toll on your your self image, your confidence, your sanity... Your everything.

Sometimes you can't even look at him. You can't touch him. God, don't even think about putting your hands around his waist. You haven't done that in weeks! Or has it been months?

You can't- you can't afford accidentally brushing up against those hipbones that you've wanted for so long and triggering another miserable night lying to Dirk, saying you're stuck at work when you're actually holed up in your car trying to make the emotional pain go away with physical pain.

That you've worked hard for.

That you've ran, and purged, and cut, and starved for, for so damn long.

Whether through sword training, his own work out, or genetics? He seems to achieve it all so effortlessly.

It's just not fair.

x

You tend to notice the little things. Not that you mind, in fact, your favorite little thing is a man by the name of Jake English.

He's actually not that little, relatively speaking. In fact he's a smidgen taller than Roxy without her insane platform heels, and about half a foot taller than Jane. Still, he's at least four inches shorter than you (actually it's about three, but you like to round up while he likes to round down).

He's cute and manly all at the same time. He reminds you of a puppy sometimes. He's got a naturally magnetic personality and even though he's not the smoothest operator; he's polite and has a killer smile that all the ladies swoon at- despite the buck teeth that make him look like he's in middle school.

(You notice that he has two smiles, one for the public, a flashy and suave for the ladies and another, more tender and loving one reserved just for you.)

Physically too, he's quite the man. His shoulders are average, a little less broad that yours, but that only makes it easier for you to pull him into hugs and cuddles. His arms are toned but not quite as visibly defined as yours- and to contrast that, he's got a killer pair of legs that lead up to the plushest rump you could ever dream of being in the presence of. In turn your twig-like legs lead up to a stereotypical white-boy expanse of flatness and disappointment. You honestly have no idea how you're more top-heavy than him, must be due to genetics or something because you know for a fact that your sword fighting is nothing compared to the adventuring that he used to do.

You used to say that you would kill for a little more badonk in your adonk, but if having Jake's ass as a consolation then damn- who were you to complain?

Both of you have gravity-defying hair, but at least his looks good on a Sunday morning when you've both just woken up and haven't gotten the chance to shower and primp for an hour.

Your favorite part about his body though, is that he has a little bit of softness lining his belly cushioning what you know is pure muscle. He gained it over time, since he hasn't been doing any hardcore adventuring for long periods of time; he keeps fit though, but that softness makes him absolutely irresistible to hug and cuddle and touch in general.

All in all he's the perfect package.

x

You notice that sometimes after you both get to bed and you're on the brink of sleep, Jake is stilll wide awake.

His head is pillowed by your forearm, and he curls up by you. Bodies near, but not quite touching; only his hand rests on your hip. It's rare, actually; his arms always seem to be around your neck; never lower than your shoulders.

It's different at these times.

His arm ghosts up your waist and right along your rib cage, fingers creeping into the crevices that the bones make. Part of you wants to brush his hand away because it tickles, but then he keeps going up to your bony shoulder, brushing past your collar bone and down your arm, along your elbow, then back down to your hip.

He rubs circles where your hipbone is, jutting out more than normal because of the awkward position of laying on your side.

You usually fall asleep right then and there, comforted by his mere presence.

Other times, not often- but occasionally, long, long after Jake first thinks you were asleep he scoots a little closer, buries his face in your chest and lets out the quietest of sobs before placing a soft kiss to your cheek. He scoots back out and turns around so you aren't touching anymore save for his head on your arm.

Even less often is when you feel a wet spot on your shirt.

You usually brush these half-lucid moments off.

They're just dreams anyway, because really? Jake crying without telling you what's wrong? That can't be right.

You've been together long enough that you know he wouldn't do anything like that. He'd come to you for comfort or help or something.

You know each other well enough and neither of you ever keep anything from each other.

So what reason would he have to cry in the middle of the night?

x

Usually the two of you are busy with work and other chores, only seeing each other when you're in bed or at the dinner table.

You notice how little by little his eating habits change. Usually he cleans off his plate lickety-split, but then eventually he starts leaving a little sliver of food untouched.

That little sliver eventually turns into about a quarter of his food.

Then half his plate

Eventually a large majority of his food is left untouched. Over time it gets to the point where he just won't eat, and simply leaves the table without eating a single bite.

You decide to confront him, about a week since you last saw him eat at the table. You actually have half a mind to force him to take a day off so he can lie in bed and you can make him soup so you can make sure he's not sick.

But no, he's not a child.

You go up to Jake one day after dinner; one day after he cleans off his plate in the trash, puts it in the sink and walks off all without taking a bite.

You scoot your chair out and hurry after him, grabbing his arm and pulling him close. You place one hand on his forehead and another on your own to gauge his temperature and make sure it's normal.

It is, so he's probably not eating because of reasons not related to an illness.

You hold him at arms length and look him in the eye and ask him just what the hell is going on. "Jake why haven't you been eating? You've been eating less and less and these past few weeks I haven't seen you eat a single bite of dinner in what seems like forever!"

He just looks at you with the most broken, heartbreaking smile you've ever seen and pulls you close; "No, no there's nothing wrong," he whispers. He beams at you, smiling as bright as he can. "Please don't worry yourself over me I'm perfectly fine, see?"

Part of you wants to believe him and let it go, while part of you wats to push the matter further.

You squeeze him tight for a moment before releasing him.

Tomorrow.

If this persists until tomorrow then you'll confront him again.

(Part of you knows that even if it does you'll go easy on him. You'll wait until next week even though you know there's something wrong.)

I'm sure there are errors and I'd really appreciate it if you would point them out thanks for reading.