Happy Birthday Sharon ! Sorry for the delay but I hope you'll enjoy it. Thank you for the challenge. And happy late smut week-end everyone ! Reviews are welcomed as usually. xx

What If?

Swan Inn

1919

I need to take a deep breath as I'm taking down my bun in front of the mirror. I can feel Tom's heated gaze on me. He's lying on the bed, waiting for me. We decided to stop to get some sleep and now, after debating whether or not he should sleep on the chair, I'm here, trying to calm down and prevent my clumsy hands from shaking. I know I can trust him but it's the first time I'm alone in a bedroom with a man and I can't help my heart from beating madly. Maybe because it is me I don't trust? After the kiss he gave me in the car just before we left Downton, I have to admit that my legs are still shaking and that I'm craving for more…so much more. But I think it wouldn't be lady like to ask for it. Plus, I don't want to scare him with my boldness before the wedding. I know he likes it but still, I'm afraid he would think less of me if I was too forward…and I need to tell him that I love him first. Because, while he was driving in the dark night earlier, I realized I haven't said the words to him yet…

I'm finally done with my hair and join him at last. I see he's lying over the sheets so I slip under them for good measure. I'm not wearing my corset today so it must be better this way, isn't it? He smiles at me and I return the smile, joking a few moments about the situation, trying to ease the mood, and he immediately joins me. It's so good to be able to speak freely without fearing that someone might catch us. But I can't stop myself from watching him intently. He seems so happy and content to be here with me even if we're about to do something big, something that will forever change our lives. I shiver thinking that I'm a damn lucky woman. He gives me the chance to live the life I want. He gives me the chance to be free to love who I want. I know I'm probably the one with the most to lose but what if I had said no? I have to tell him that I love him. Clearly. Yes, I did accept his proposal and he never doubted me or, at least, never showed his doubts but I never said the words. I have to say them out loud, I can feel it. Ah, if only my eyes could say what I'm struggling to tell him with words…Three words…three little words…it doesn't seem a lot but it's probably the most important thing I'll ever do in my life…

Instead, I ask him where we're going to spend our wedding night. Oh God! Why am I asking him that now? Now that I'm lying in a bed with him, trying to keep his earlier kiss out of my mind? I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks but he doesn't seem to mind and tells me about the arrangements he made and I like them. But I know him well enough and I'm sure he probably thinks that I deserve something more luxurious but I don't want or need anything but him. I'm content with his plan and a heavy weight seems to leave his chest as I see him relax next to me. But not completely as his blue eyes seem far away. So, I'm lying further down on my side, looking up at him from my pillow. I want him to be proud of what we're doing, of what he's done so far for our plan so I tell him he's full of surprises. At first, I thought he didn't hear me but then, he's looking intently at me as the doubts are leaving his face little by little, replaced soon by something else…something more intense…and I'm surprised to feel that I am losing myself in his deep blue eyes, mesmerized by my happiness…

He mutters something I don't understand and I answer something of my own but I'm not even conscious of it as I lose myself in his shinning blue eyes. I feel irresistibly attracted to him, as if an invisible thread was pulling at me. I stop breathing when I see him lean down to close the distance between us. I follow his lead and my heartbeat becomes frantic. This is it, this is now. The beginning of our life. I want it, I want to relive the passionate kiss he gave me earlier. As soon as our lips meet, I close my eyes and I know that my life will never be the same again…

Our kiss is light at first, tender too. When he caresses my lips with his tongue and my hair with his hand, I moan and he forces me to lie on my back. It's so good to feel his body on mine, so close…Instantly, my lips open, allowing him to explore my mouth and my lips. Our tongues touch for the first time in a few hours and neither I nor he can contain a moan of pleasure. We go on some time with this sensual game but soon, he becomes eager as if it's not enough for him anymore. I feel his hands slide along my body and then up to the bottom of my chemise. As he slides his hand under it and caress the skin of my abdomen, I feel like it's even hotter in the room. And I'm so happy that I am not wearing a corset today. But I want to participate too so I let my hands wander down to the hem of his shirt and tug at it desperately. I can't wait anymore: I need to feel his skin against mine. He seems to understand what I want because I feel him draw back a few moments but it's not his shirt he gets rid of but my clothes that are in the way and without any care for them. And suddenly, I'm bare-chested in front of him and I can see his breath catches in his throat as I feel my cheeks reddening under his scrutiny. He lets his eyes run on my upper body, now offered to his hungry eyes, and he wets his lips with his tongue. As if commanded by his, my lips do the same as I look up back at him, trying to hide the last glimpse of modesty still in me. But quickly, I want to let my desire for sex equality speak again so I force him to hold his arms up and undress him. His shirt and undershirt are not on the floor yet but he's already on me again, his lips on my throat. I hear him mutter incomprehensible things but I don't care and I just chant his name over and over again, eager to see what's coming next. This is so new to me…and so unexpected for it to happen before our wedding. I cry and arch against him as he takes one of my breasts in his mouth and he almost rips the sheets that still hide the rest of my body from him.

Suddenly, it's too much for me: the wetness of his mouth on my breast, the tenderness of his hands, his body heavy and tense moving over mine, his little moans…All these new sensations are attacking me from all sides and I almost feel like I'm losing my mind. Why have we waited so long? Why did I make him wait so long? I feel him push against my thighs, his sex hard against it and I stop to breathe, a pang of pleasure exploding in my belly. What's this now? Once it passed, I want it again. I want more, I want him…I want us to do it, to cross the line, even if we're not married yet.

But I can't stop a moan of protest as I feel him slightly draw back, as he's trying to calm down a little bit. Then, he's back and begins a long descent between my breasts and stops a moment on my bellybutton. He plays with it with his tongue and this sensation is back again. My hands are on his back, squeezing the smooth flesh in time with each spasm cursing through my body. But it's entirely his fault and he doesn't stop. He goes on, lower and lower, and soon I can only reach his head. Our breaths are jerkier as he reaches his goal and I plunge my nails into his scalp. At the first touch of his mouth there, even if some of my clothes are still on, my body starts to shake.

Soon, his hands find the opening of my skirt and he unbuttons it. But he's not quick enough for my taste so my hands go to help him and together we get rid of my underwear too. Now naked in front of him, I have no doubts that what we're doing is right. And I want this as badly as he seems to want it, even if we're not married yet. I wait for his next move. After all, I'm the virgin one here. But he's staring at me, with adoration, not showing any sign he wants to move. So, I reach my hand to his pants and it's like I'm waking him up. He quickly gets rid of them and soon he's naked too. We look at each other in silence for a few seconds, minutes, I can't tell, curious of discovering ourselves for the first time. Then, we're again in each other's arms, and I lie down and sigh heavily as he takes his place back…between my thighs. It's good and I never could have imagined he could be that way but it's not what I want right now. My hands reach down and stop his caresses. And, for the first time in my life as a woman, I beg him in a faint voice to join me, to become one with me, to make me his.

I see him looking up and I look back down with pleading eyes. Something flickers in his eyes and I know then that he knows that I'm right. That we'll have time later for such games if God wants it. For now, it's just about satisfying five years of frustration, holding back and love. For now, the only matter is to be one.

So he moves up along my body and kisses me tenderly. Then, we look at each other, trying to weigh what we're about to do. We're about to cross this line between friendship and lovers, between aristocracy and service. We're about to become one…and everything will change. There's no turning back now. I can see in his eyes that he wants this, not that I had any doubts but I can read his heated eyes right now. And it seems to make me bold. So I reach down and take his sex in my trembling hand and start to stroke it slowly. I see him close his eyes under the exquisite torture and I feel powerful. So, even bolder than before, I guide him in me.

I feel some pain but it's nothing compared to the pleasure I feel. I know now that I'm where I always wanted to be: with the man I love. I watch him to see if he feels the same, suddenly afraid that I scared him with my move but his eyes are closed. When he opens them a few seconds later, he smiles at me and I smile back: everything's all right.

Tom starts to move with an unbearable slowness. It's a real torture but it's good. I can't stop it and I moan at his first hip stroke. It's a strange feeling: it both hurts and feels good. I close my eyes to welcome all these new sensations: feeling someone inside me, feeling someone on me, flesh against flesh, free at last. Tom is all around me. He's my first one and I know with certitude now that he'll also be my last one. And this thought fills me with pure joy. I don't know why but Tom's not moving anymore. He knows that I've never been with anyone before him so being who he is, he probably thinks he's hurting me. So I move my hips to show him that everything's fine. He understands because he starts to move inside me again, even if I can still feel him holding back. But I don't want him to. I dreamed so many times about this, about our first time together. But these dreams always left me unsatisfied as I didn't really know what to expect and also lonely, so lonely. But all that is over now, I will never feel lonely again. He goes on with his slow movements but I feel that it's not enough. I want more and I want it now. I want him to set us free from the pleasure I can feel growing in me. At my delight, his hand slides along my body to my knee. He catches it and throws my leg over his hip. As if it was even possible, this move allows him to go deeper in me and we both cry from pleasure. Little by little, our movements are quicker as are our heartbeats. My mouth is hanging open, looking for some air as his he slides from my neck to my breasts before taking a nipple and nibbles it with his teeth. I'm lost then. I can't think straight anymore. What he's doing to my body is amazing. I melt under this caress and I know something big is going to happen. My whole body is on fire, tensed, as if I'm on the top of a cliff, ready to fall and faint. Suddenly, my center contracts around his sex and I know it's happening. I heard about it in the hallways at York. I heard nurses talk about "the little death". I know it's about to happen to me and I can't wait. But for now, it's a torture and I just want Tom to throw me over this cliff. So, I hook my other leg around his hips, trapping him between my thighs, urging him to do so. We're complete now, we're one. I beg him to go faster, harder because I can't take it anymore, I need to be relieved. Fortunately, he complies and obeys my order. He sets my nipple free to catch my mouth and our tongues start to mimic the movement of our hips. They're erratic as Tom finally doesn't hold anything back and we both lose control, and it's so good. I answer at all his movements with the same strength. We're almost violent now, as if we wanted to punish ourselves for waiting so long.

Our movements are becoming messier and we're losing the pace we found. And then, it's here. I feel my body going taut under Tom's, my sex squeezing his in its tightness and I cry. I can't stop myself. It's overwhelming. Wave after wave, pleasure engulfs me in bliss and it's even better when, with one last stroke, Tom joins me.

It's so strong that it seems that my breath will never get back to normal again. I feel like I'm floating in beatitude, my body relaxed and satisfied. The weight of Tom's body over me is suddenly heavier and I catch him as he shivers violently in my arms. I hug him tightly, squeezing him against me. We're silent, stuck together, listening to our breath slowly coming back to normal. I think that, at this moment, I don't want to move anymore, never. And I feel it's the right time to do what I wanted for so long. "I love you" I breathe in his ear as his head is pillowed on my breast. I feel him smile against my skin and I close my eyes…waiting for him to say it back…

You're full of surprises…

I watch him looking intently back at me when I say the words and I realize I've been gone only for a few minutes…But the warmth I feel in my lower body is real. I want him. I'm about to say something else but he beats me to it.

I can say the same thing of you….

His words make us both chuckle nervously. Then, I lose myself in his deep blue eyes. I feel irresistibly attracted to him, as if an invisible thread was pulling at me. I stop breathing when I see him lean down to close the distance between us. I follow his lead and my heartbeat becomes frantic. This is it, this is now…

…Someone is knocking hard at the door of the room and it stops us…

What if…?

The end