Fate Sitters Day

[Part Two Of The One-Shot]

Prepare For Trouble! Make It Double!

The five employees of the Emiya Daycare rushed on over to their Master's home.

An emergency had apparently popped up. But what sort of emergency would require them to go grocery shopping first, they weren't entirely sure. They had speculated that maybe the household was experiencing some food-shortage but what event could possibly eat through the Emiya Household's several well-stocked fridges so quickly was a bit of a concern... Unless Taiga Fujimura had turned into a real tiger, they were fairly certain that even she didn't have that much voracious of an appetite.

The five Servants were quick to arrive at the old Japanese residence.

Caster was at the lead, already through the door.

"Ah, Master, what's the emergency?"

Shirou was leaning with his back to the wall, a deep contemplating expression on his face, while the child Assassin was holding onto his hand. Upon their arrival, he greeted them with a mischievous smile as he looked to them in turn. "I believe it would be better to show you." The five shared a look with each other but didn't question the remark.

The young adult led them to the dining-room and upon the table which could seat many-a-people there were four palm-sized dolls.

Blue, red, white, and black; the four females in armor had cartoon-like proportions and had an odd resemblance to a certain quadruplet of sisters... But what made these dolls truly amazing was the fact that they were inexplicably alive. If they weren't wrong, the four females were actually some type of Heroic Spirit manifestation, though why they descended in such an inept form did beg some wondering.

Archer voiced his exasperation, "What did you do this time?"

Shirou chuckled, "Not my fault. They sorta just... appeared."

Caster gushed over them, "Oh my spirits, they're so cute!"

Gilgamesh had a similar reaction. "What are these exotic specimen?! I must have on- No! All of them!"

Though Archer didn't make as much of a fuss, his expression did changed for a split-second, 'They're pretty damn cute, alright...'

The two Servants scrambled to the table to have a hug at the dolls but were repelled by a powerful force. They rolled with synchronization and hit the wall with the back of their heads.

The red-doll chuckled. "Hahaha! Does thou believe it so easy to touch us? Gaze upon our forms and tremble! For we are the Gourmet Kings!"

Caster regained her bearing and most definitely trembled with excitement, "So adorable!"

Saber and Lancer looked to their Master, "Gourmet Kings?" they asked at the same time.

"I think I should leave the explaining to them."

The white-doll spoke up, "If thou wish to have us in thy grasp, thee must prove thyself victorious over our challenge."

Barring Caster and Gilgamesh who had dropped their bags, the Servants who still held onto their groceries could see where this was going.

Lancer humored them, "Aye, and what challenge would that be?"

The black-doll answered, "Thee must appease our palettes in a competition of food fit for a king!"

Lancer smirked whimsically, "Ah, count me out."

Saber nodded, "I must refrain from participation as well, I am only a novice in the culinary arts."

Archer sent a glance to his Master, "So, the reason you called us over is because of this?"

"Right," Shirou smiled, "I am little embarrassed to admit this but I have already lost against Sakura and Rin and they've already gone to bed." He placed a hand under his chin, "I know I'm a great chef so I called you guys over so that I could redeem myself."

The Servant Of The Bow almost snorted. He could easily tell that the real reason why Shirou called them over: he wanted to win the privilege to hug and pet the four dolls. It had little to do with the young man's pride.

The blue-doll finally talked, "Tis be the final trial before we depart. Who amongst thee have the will to partake in our challenge?"

Caster's arm shot up, "Yes, yes!" she waved it around, "Me~!"

Shirou nodded his head, "I, of course, will be competing again."

"Hmph," Archer closed his eyes coolly, "As the head-chef of Emiya Daycare, I suppose I'm expected to enter. Can't be helped." Though he acted aloof, he had a good amount of personal anticipation for the cook-off.

Gilgamesh slump's form sprang up immediately in a dramatic-pose. Eyes closed, head tilted back, hand on his forehead, and a smile of confidence, he laughed. "Fools! Have you all forgotten that I am the King Of Heroes? This competition is already as good as won!" A Babylonian-dish made exit from a shimmering portal and landed neatly in his free-hand, "Behold! Food that is fit even for I, the one-and-only-true king!"

As soon the words left his mouth, a double-slap to the face sent his spiraling into the wall.

The black and red Gourmet Kings stood as menacingly as they could with folded arms. Their attempt at looking angry only made them look even cuter.

"Fool! Does thou seek to desecrate our righteous competition?!"

"Food not cook of one's own hard-work shall not grace our refined lips!"

"Repent!"

Gilgamesh's head was still spinning a bit so he couldn't really tell who was speaking what. By the time he recomposed himself, he noticed a slender hand on his shoulder. There was no mistaking this perfect hand. He looked up and saw Enkidu's beautiful face gently smiling at him.

"I'll eat with you, Gil."

Gilgamesh cleared his throat, "Hmph, as expected, only someone like you, my true-friend, can appreciate Babylon's splendor!"

All the meanwhile, as Gilgamesh and Enkidu have their moment, the remaining blue and white Gourmet Kings were explaining the rules of the challenge to the three competitors. Sakura's Servant, Rider, had also appeared to happily chat with Saber and Lancer; on a smaller note, the little Assassin had fallen asleep on Saber's lap.

"The time limit is two hours."

"There is no theme this time, thou are free to cook as thee pleases."

"We shall select the winner on the basis of 100-Pts as perfect; twenty-five points from the each of us."

"The Super Ultra Great Delicious Wonderful Cooking Duel begins now!"

Archer and Caster blinked.

The clatter of noise in the kitchen pulled them out from their daze.

The Servant Of The Bow clicked his tongue as he rushed to work, Caster right behind him. 'Damn, can't believe I lost focus there! What's up with that ridiculous name?!' He quickly moved to a free station and projected every utensils he needed and some he didn't. He wasn't entirely sure what to make yet. He allotted himself three seconds to make a decision. He mentally scoured the list of ingredients that they had brought over and scanned the nearly empty fridges of their contents. 'Not much to work with.' He decided to appeal to their nationality but he didn't have much for the more fancy dishes. 'Potted Shrimp it is then.'

It was time to create a masterpiece.

[...]

Shirou looked to his left.

Caster was cooking up some takoyaki. Astoundingly, she making them incredibly small — proportional to the dolls' size — and that obviously took a lot of skill and effort. She probably thought it would be cute.

'However, that won't work.' Shirou had already tried that technique on the first-round. He along with Rin and Sakura had made the mistake of underestimating the size of their appetite and nobody won by default. The second-round had proven that the Gourmet Kings could easily devour a normal-sized meal within a few minutes. It was unfortunate but Caster was no longer a threat.

Shirou looked to his right.

Archer had somehow figured out that a human-sized proportion wouldn't phase the four girls at all because the Servant was multitasking and creating a feast with at least three dishes for each of the dolls.

Even though he had started first and been through three-rounds already, the idea of serving each judge their own dish hadn't even crossed his mind.

'D-Damn, I need to step my game up!'

[...]

Despite the delicate nature of her operation, Caster was the first to present her dish, though that was not saying much since she had finished just with twenty minutes to spare.

Mysteriously, she had somehow found the time to create an entire setting for the Gourmet Kings to dine upon.

Tables, chairs, utensils, a small pond, a cherry-blossom tree with falling leaves, and so forth. It was a tiny doll-set that seemed like a picturesque moment from a movie. She had even provided various kimono for them to wear. She had really gone all out with creating the mood and atmosphere.

Lancer, who was lounging about, quirked a brow. "Impressive."

"Indeed," Saber, sitting next to him, nodded her head.

Rider was amused. She had seen Shirou, Rin, and Sakura attempt the same thing but those three had only gone as far as to project the utensils. What made this especially noteworthy was how the Servant Of The Spells had made a show out of building the entire thing up. Not only that, she had even went so far as to create a little doll of herself to act as a host.

It was truly mysterious how Caster found the time to do all of that. Or perhaps not truly mysterious since the layout was suspiciously similar to the Emiya Household only with some additional romanticization... On an unrelated note, if one looked closely, they could find a picture of Shirou, Caster, and what appears to be their child somewhere within the doll-set.

It was almost like watching a play with the four Gourmet Kings and the Caster-Doll moving about.

"Hm, an excellent dining atmosphere!"

"These kimono are quite comfortable."

"I would not mind living here; such a beautiful garden."

The Caster-Doll graciously guided the Kings toward the miniature dining-room. She was quite demure in her manner as she served them the takoyaki and tea and further impressed them by playing the koto.

The Kings bit into their takoyaki.

Their eyes lit-up with approval.

"This texture is superb! Slightly crunchy on the outside yet soft in the inside, a consistent chewiness that gushes out flavor with every bite!"

"The sweet and tangy flavors are perfectly balanced by this refreshing ice-tea."

"Even though they all look the same from the outside, their insides are actually quite different. The mystery of what kind of takoyaki I'll bite into next makes me want to eat more!"

"Their bite-size appearance deceptively hides their explosive flavor. It's like a bomb waiting to go off in your mouth. Kuh, how fearsome!"

The Caster-Doll and Caster herself placed a hand to their mouth. It would be inappropriate to reveal their pleased expression to the guests. Though they were snacks, to call her food just takoyaki would underestimate the amount of detail she put into every single octopus-ball; this was not just a meal of takoyaki, it was a festival of the myriad wonders of takoyaki! The Gourmet King's fascination with her dish were akin to children in a candy-shop.

She couldn't wait to see Shirou's and Archer's surprise.

She was no moron. She saw how they were making human-sized meals for the dolls, so she easily figured out that the Kings could eat a lot. But she stuck to her guns of creating doll-sized proportions. If they wanted to impress the Kings with their towering mountains of food then she would serve them a scale of rising numbers! If their stomachs was truly vast then she would create the illusion of a hundred-man feast by stacking plates upon plates!

After finishing their seemingly endless meal, the Gourmet Kings gathered around and began to whisper with one another.

After several minutes of debate, the red-doll stepped forth and announced, "We judge thee worthy of... 88 Points!" before explaining the good and bad of Caster's dish.

Rider whistled, "Wow, that's way better than what Shirou, Rin, and Sakura did in the first-round." All of Caster's extra effort had really pulled it off.

"How so?" Saber inquired.

"They had gotten less than 20pts. Altogether."

"That's harsh!" Lancer commented.

[...]

Shirou's dish was the next to be judged.

Though he appeared calm on the outside, there was a bit of turmoil in the inside. His heart was beating up like a drum. This was, after all, his fourth time in the competition.

He had lost the first-round because his miniaturized but improvised somen was not very filling; luckily, Rin's and Sakura's improvised attempt had also failed. However, he had lost the second-round to Rin's sweet-and-sour-pork and got second with his khua-kling. Then he had lost the third-round to Sakura's tekkadon and got third with his rinderroulade.

He had learned from past defeats.

This time, Shirou was determined to win!

He imagined just how blissful it would be to pet and hug those four adorable little girls! It would be amazing! There was absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to pinch or poke those cheeks of theirs. It was only normal! He didn't have any ulterior motives! None whatsoever!

Oops.

He better pay attention, the four cuties were already scoring his bulgogi.

Shirou smiled pleasantly as the blue-doll stepped up. 'Ah, I want to tickle her tummy...'

"Sir Shirou, as this is thy fourth participation, we have graded thee more critically than thy opponents."

'Wait, what?'

"We have found thee deserving of... 63 Points!"

His expression slipped, "Eh?"

"For shame on thee, Sir Shirou. Thou meal was wondrous and plentiful but thy showmanship was lacking! Ye have fed us well but our hunger is bottomless and shall never know fullness. Though to eat is to be pleased, such pleasure is short! It is only by impressing upon our memories do our joy of eating lasts eternal! In other words, Sir Shirou, your dish is easily forgettable!"

He could only helpless flounder at their remarks.

"They're tearing 'im apart!" Lancer gaped.

"How brutal..." Saber replied in good jest.

Rider giggled. She couldn't wait to tell Sakura and Rin about this.

[...]

The last to come out of the kitchen was Archer.

However, he had yet to deliver. There was still five-minutes on the clock, so what could be taking him?

Suddenly, it hit them.

An intense aroma filled the dining-room. It did not simply waft out from the kitchen, it seemed to replace the very air with its rich scent, the taste of the unseen dish was practically palpable from breathing alone. Everyone gulped unconsciously, their hunger had been greatly stimulated.

Before the wait could prove to be too strong, he arrived.

"Have I kept you waiting?" Dressed sharply in a stylish black-suit, his usual slicked-back white-hair was now wild, and his cocky-grin just screamed bad-boy. His new appearance definitely got a positive response from the females in the room, even if they hadn't noticed their own subdue responses. But he most definitely caught the blushes blooming forth from the four Gourmet Kings' faces. 'Perfect.'

With a confident-gait, he approached the table and served the judges their meal.

Then, with a slight-of-hand, he brought forth the many objects needed to set-up the miniature but fancy skyline-dining area. He chit-chatted with them as he offhandedly constructed the scenery and he made sure to flash each of them a roguish-smile while he did so.

Then there was no more needed to be said as he placed down the potted-shrimps on the table.

The Kings took a bite and shouted at the top of their lungs:

"IT'S DELICIIOOOUUUUSSSSS~!"

It could only be described as tasty yet the worth failed to describe just how tasty the dish was. Ah, the Kings blinked and realized that they had already eaten up nearly half of their meal. It took them great effort to stop themselves; this meal was limited and they wanted to savor every bite but it was so difficult because it was so good!

The white-doll was able to briefly pause in her eating, "How did you make such a magnificent dish?"

Archer smiled and placed a finger over his mouth, "It's a secret, Milady."

He would tell no one but the secret to his amazing cooking technique was... Reinforcement! Besides making objects tougher, Reinforcement could also enhance an object's property: knives would become sharper, light-bulbs would shine brighter, food would taste even better! If any magus knew that he was using magecraft for something so mundane, they would cry. But, as far as Archer was concerned, all was fair in war and cooking!

Assured in his victory, he tilted his head back with a condescending-smirk to look at his fellow competitors. They were not happy with him, to say the least. He turned around just in time for the judges to give him his score.

"We reward thee... 96 Points! Sir Archer, thee are the winner of the Super Ultra Great Delicious Wonderful Cooking Duel; congratulations!"

The Servant Of The Bow, grinned in his mind, 'Sweet, sweet victory.'

"However, it is past midnight and so we must cut thy reward short."

Before he could even question what they were saying, the four cute dolls flew up this face and pecked him on the cheeks. They giggled and then disappeared in a puff of scented smoke. 'Did I just get gypped?'

Lancer was about to speak up about his confusion but Gilgamesh suddenly burst out of the kitchen and jumped onto the table.

The King Of Heroes had no clothes on. Instead, he was fashionably decorated with sweets like cream and chocolate.

"I have returned! If you maidens will not eat something not prepared by my own hands then I shall present myself for you to eat!" he spread his arms wide open, "COME! Eat to your heart's content and taste the glory that is I!" His photogenic smile faltered when he could not the exotic specimen anywhere. He looked around and then asked, "Hm? Where did they go?"

Nobody bothered to answer him and just shook their head.

It was at that moment that a groggy Rin came downstairs. "What's the hell is all that rack-" she took one eyeful of the scene, "Nope," and walked straight back upstairs.

Meanwhile, Enkidu, hiding by the kitchen's doorway, was snapping pictures of Gilgamesh's sweet physique.

Shirou walked over to the couch, sat down, palmed his face, and then tiredly sighed.

"You can all go home now."

Author Notes

Thank you for reading this, er, one-shot! It's totally still a one-shot, guys, totally!

Somebody asked (you know who you are!) for another one-shot and threw an idea at me, so here it is! It's not exactly how they wanted it, but writer's liberty and all that jazz.

This is not a cooking-fic, so excuse me while I skimp on details here and there... Also, don't mind me and my butchere-englisho.

Also, like, holy-shit, Shirou's kitchen and dining-room is huge! Who the hell cooks and eats there?! Well, a lot of people. Shirou, Enkidu, Sakura, Medusa, Illyasviel, Miyu, Luviagelita, Taiga, Caren, etc.

If anyone wants to adopt (or do whatever) to these stories/ideas, then please feel free to do so.

Extra Scene

The next day at the daycare, Archer sat idly as he listened to Lily and Alteil talk. The white-dressed girl was sitting prim and proper while the black-dressed girl was leaning on her seat with intertwined fingers.

Apparently the two girls and their little sisters all had the same weird dream.

"We were in an old-fashioned but large Japanese home."

"You were there, along with Emiya, Tohsaka, Matou, and Caster. There were a few other people but I don't remember who exactly."

"The five of you were cooking for some reason. A contest, I think; it had a silly name."

Ateil smirked with mirth, "We were the judges and got to taste each food. Too bad it was all just a dream though; the food was quite delicious."

This sounded awfully familiar to him. He decided it wouldn't hurt to prod for some information, "So, in your dream, who won?"

Lily looked to her sister and they came to a silent agreement, they placed a finger on their lips, "It's a secret!"