Fast update right? Well fast for me. I did say I was almost done this though and I finished it as fast as I could! Even though this isn't that long, it took a bit. Here is Alec's POV. I wanted to show him with Jem since he is a contender for his affection and because I like to think he's a different person around him. He isn't so guarded. Also don't give up on Magnus because I think I put quite a few things in here that let you know he's not out, and although his name was never mentioned, he did pop up in his mind. I hope you guys enjoy this and thanks for all the lovely reviews you've been leaving!

Song;

Ed Sheeran- Bloodstream

"I can, just give me a second." Jem paused. He could his hear his breathing, steady on the phone and he remembered the time he used to lay on his chest and fell the rise of fall his chest. It made him feel more connected to him by being able to physically feel something that meant he was alive. A lot of the time he felt that was what was keeping him alive as well. It was the constant thing in his life but he fell out of rhythm. Now he just felt like he was flat lining."So what's wrong?"

"Nothings wrong. Does something have to be wrong to ask that?"Alec stared at the ceiling.

"No, nothing has to be wrong but I know you. We were best friends for years and you only ever ask when you're upset. I've always been there for you, waiting for you to ask." He could hear the sounds in the background of him getting set up.

"You haven't been there recently."

"You haven't let me. You're the one who cut me out of your life." That night had been etched so clearly into Alec's mind. It felt like the hardest thing he had ever done in his life, but he wasn't deserving of love. He was never deserving of Jem. He did him a favor by leaving him and not letting him get tangled into this mess of his life.

"I let you avoid the wreck." He bit his finger nails.

"You're not a wreck Alec. You are so full of the world. You have never been anything but beautiful to me." His words brought a pain to his chest. One that was so familiar when it came to anything Jem. He swallowed and closed his eyes determined to keep himself together. "Okay I'm putting you on speaker now." He could hear him set his phone down. Shortly after the sound of music floated through the air, and Alec turned so his ear was pressed against his phone. He recalled the time Jem would play the violin for him in his room on his worst days. It always managed to make him feel better, the notes calming him down and holding him like it was the only thing that could relate to him. He could feel tears started to form in his eyes as his head was filled with flashbacks of Jem and everything he had never allowed himself to have again. The feeling of someone laying against him and feeling like he could tell them apart from anyone else just from their heartbeat. The way it would make his own fall out of line just by a single touch. Their voice being the only thing he ever wanted to hear for the rest of his life. He missed the way his hand felt in Jem's, and how his laugh used to be the only pick me up he needed. Jem guided him out of the darkness and without him he had lost his way further down a hole. Everything had fallen apart. He knew right when he did it too, that dropping Jem broke him. The rest of his life followed the shattered path as well.

"Alec." Jem brought him back.

"Yes?"

"I've been saying your name for the past two minutes. Are you sure you're okay?" He sounded so concerned that it hurt. The last thing Jem needed to concern himself with was someone as worthless as him.

"I told you I'm fine." Alec bit his lip. It would have been so easy to hide the fact he started crying if he wasn't talking to Jem, someone who had known him most of his life.

"No you're not. Don't leave. I'm coming over." Before Alec could even fight him on that he hung up. He sat up and tried to call him back but he wouldn't pick up this time. He let out a grunt and threw his phone onto the floor. He didn't think he could handle being face to face which is why he only called him. He buried his face in his hands and then rubbed his eyes so hard he saw spots before getting onto his feet. He walked into his closet and kicked the boxes in there trying to get out his frustration. Looking down at all the stuff sprawled on the floor now he let out a loud sigh. Eyeing up his dresser he saw the bong and vodka he left there from the previous night. He quickly grabbed them and sat on the floor. If he was going to meet up with Jem right now, he wasn't going to do it sober. There were too many memories that came with him that he wasn't sure how to deal with.

"Alec, please tell me that smell isn't you." Jem called out from the other side of his apartment. When he entered his room, disappointment was written all over his face. He shook his head slightly as his eyes ran over him. "I heard no one has seen you in a week. Is this what you're doing with your life now? Is this why you never responded to my calls and texts until today?"

"Don't look at me like that." Alec stood up upset that he wasn't as intoxicated or high as he hoped to be upon seeing him.

"Did you want me to be happy to see you this way?"

"I'm this way, because of you Jem!"Alec angrily ran his hand through his hair. "I've been so messed up. I still am."

"Because of me?" That comment looked like looked like it hurt him to hear. He knew it wasn't just him, but he was a big part of why he was really falling apart right now.

"I was fine going down this self destructive path. I was fine with what I was doing to myself but you came back and I can't get you out my head. I can't get drunk or high enough to forget you. When you came over I thought I was going to be able to handle just hooking up a couple times until you leave but it's not enough. I'm craving having you sleep beside me, and kissing me. I just want you to touch me, to hold me." Jem reached out his arm but Alec moved away. "You can't though. I'm not good enough for you, I never was. And I am not going to let myself hurt you again or anyone else."

"You have always been perfect for me." He looked him over. Jem had never been the star of a room. He had never been the brightest, but he had this way of stealing the light from others. People were always drawn to him and Alec thought he might spend his whole life clinging to the memory of him.

"I think I'm going crazy. I don't know what I'm doing any more. I'm losing everything." He could feel himself breaking down. That's when Jem wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in. Alec couldn't find it in himself to fight it any more. He nestled his head into shoulder. Everything from his smell, the his body heat made Alec feel safe. Like for the moment, he had chased away his demons. "And I know I don't deserve it, but I just want someone to love me. I'm so alone. " He sobbed into his shirt.

"I love you always, remember?" Jem pushed him back and held him by the shoulders trying to force eye contact. He wanted him to see how much he meant it, and he could. His gaze felt as if it was mending his holes, and filling in the cracks in his weary bones that could barely force the strength to hold him up. He had tried to keep himself together for so long that he hadn't even begun to realize how weak he was becoming until he let go. It had always felt like home in Jem's arms. More so than it ever did at his actual house. He was everything he had ever needed, and everything he would never be worthy of. Alec wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly like he never wanted to let go.

"I love you." He whispered without thinking. When it finally registered in my mind what he let slip, he let go of him and pulled back. He scrunched his eyes shut as he wished he could take it back but he knew he couldn't. He knew he meant it. The look on Jem's face was nothing but pure affection and he realized he wouldn't be able to contain any of this with that expression. "I am still completely in love with you and everything that you are, Jem." Instead of waiting for a response Alec leaned in and kissed him. His arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him in, the feeling of his lips setting off a hunger in him. One that took over and pushed Jem back into the wall, pressing his body as close to him as he could. His hands went up to his hair grabbing fistfuls forcing their faces closer. He still tasted the same, of burnt sugar with a slight hint of mint. With every movement of his lips he could feel his stomach fluttering. A feeling he had only ever gotten with one other person. Alec grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and kissed him deeply before beginning to led him over to the other side of the room. He spun them around and pushed Jem back onto the bed, climbing up and sitting on his hips. Jem sat up and put his fingers under the hemline of his shirt, running them softly over his skin. He then grabbed the bottom and slowly pulled it up and over his head and then tossing it away. He put his hands behind Alec's back, by his shoulders and brought him closer to him. Beginning to drag his finger nails down his back, Jem also started to kiss his neck. When his hands made it a little more than half way, he dug in his nails the rest of the way and bit his neck. Alec arched his spine and grinded onto Jem as he started to breathe heavy. He flipped them over forcing him onto his back as he continued to kiss his neck. Alec moved his head and lowered his shoulder. The moment he grabbed Jem's shirt he started to suck on his skin. Alec pulled him closer by his clothing and grabbed for his back, forcing him on him. It's then that he started to move his hips and a small moan slipped out. Alec bit his tongue then took a deep breathe as Jem moved his to his ear.

"Weak." He laughed kissing down his jaw back to his mouth. The feeling of his hot breathe lingered and brought goosebumps. Jem smiled and then bit his bottom lip. "But I really missed that sound."

"No girl ever even compared to you." Alec smirked before pulling him in for a kiss.

"I haven't even started yet." Jem pulled away and reached his hands down to his pants.

"I knew there was a reason I wanted to hook up a couple times before you left."

"It's been such a long time since I did this." Alec rested his head on Jem's arm.

"I have a hard time believing that from what I heard asking around for you at that party."

"I meant laying in bed with someone after since I usually just immediately get up and dressed." Alec laughed "But now I know there's a lot of people who don't know how to keep a secret. I always say not to tell."

"Why are you like this now Alec? I recall our first time, you were this scared little virgin-"

"I wasn't a virgin then and you know that. We got together when I was in a less extreme version of this." Alec waved his hand over his body and Jem nodded and laughed.

"Ah, yes. Who was the person who helped out of that state?" Jem asked like he didn't already know the answer.

"You were." He rolled his eyes as he replied.

"Hey, don't roll your eyes at me. Maybe you just need a more extreme dose of me to help you." He smirked.

"Very funny."

"But really Alec." Jem turned over and propped himself on his elbow to really look at him. "Why are you doing this yourself again? You promised me you'd stay safe. I kept mine."

"I always knew I'd be worse without you." He kept his eyes on the ceiling.

"You don't have to be without me. You never had to be without me." Jem tried to force him to look at him but Alec just closed his eyes and took a breath.

"I did." Alec sat up. "You got hurt because of me. Don't act like you're not terrified that will happen again because I am. It's always in the back of my mind. No one is safe with me. If he doesn't hurt you I will. I'm broken." Jem shot up and grabbed him forcing him to turn. He held him so tight that his finger tips were digging into his skin.

"You are not broken. Your dad was wrong and the only thing I'm afraid of is being without you." There was a pause.

"Then why did you run away?"

"I came back!"

"After you left! You just ran out Jem! Why can't you just admit that you were afraid of my dad and how you know he would just do it again." Alec finally looked at him.

"I wasn't afraid of what he'd do to me, Alec. It was you. I was disgusted that he beat his own son and I was so mad at myself for just sitting there I figured that I didn't even deserve to be there anymore. I let you down and I was scared that I wouldn't have it in me if it happened again to stop it. That I would just freeze up and just watch again. I know now though, that I would fight for you with every ounce in my body. Even against your father." Alec remembered him crawling into bed with him and holding him as he whispered his was sorry to him over and over. He had always assumed he was sorry for leaving, but maybe he was apologizing for more than that. Maybe it was for everything he didn't do at that time. Somehow that changed everything to him.

"There was nothing you could have done. He would have hurt you more." Alec ran his hand over Jems cheek.

"What's hurting me is seeing you do this to yourself Alec. Maybe if I had done something you wouldn't have been so quick to turn your back on us and you wouldn't be this way." Jem grabbed his hands and held them in his.

"It has nothing to do with you." Alec tried to take his hands back but Jem wouldn't let them go. He never let him run away like he wanted. He always forced him to confront things and he wasn't sure if he liked that or hated that about him.

"Why are you so quick to jump in a bed with someone?"

"It's not always in a bed." Alec raised his eyebrows but Jem didn't find it amusing. "Do what you're good at, right?"

"Alec." His voice was stern. He knew he wasn't going to stop until he got a serious answer.

"Reassurance." Jem made a motion for him to keep going. "That I stay on the top of the school. That someone cares about me.. Reassurance that I have something to hate about myself." Jem sat quite for a moment before giving him a reply.

"Can we try something?"

"Maybe.. Depending what it is."

"I want you to come stay with me until I leave." Jem intertwined their fingers.

"What?" That wasn't what he was expecting. He was the type of person no one wanted to even introduce to their family, let alone move him in with them.

"Come and stay with me. Rules are simple. No alcohol. No pot. Your friends can come over, but I don't want any girls over just for pointless sex."

"That's what I go to you for, right?" Alec joked and Jem shook his head.

"I'm being serious Alec. I want to help you. I'm going to show you that you can do fine without all that."

"You mean you want to make me dependent on you again instead. What about when you leave?" Jem pulled twisted his arms and looked over his scars. His stare made Alec feel uncomfortable but not enough to hide them.

"I want you to remember you're loved. That you're not alone. I am here with you." He ran Alec's forearm on his cheek and kissed his wrist. "You're my everything. Everything." Alec could tell he was holding back part of what he was going to say although he was almost positive he knew what it was. He was afraid if he didn't stop he was going to lose him. Sometimes he was afraid of that too.

"Okay. I'll go."