the title comes from this poem which basically screams jim kirk

rrevolutionaries dot tumblr dot com /post/47647952137

disclaimer: i do not own star trek or the poem

Jim tries to avoid finding himself with a minute to spare on the journey back to Earth.

It's not as hard as he'd thought it'd be, and that's probably got something to do with the fact he's technically still Captain, and has comm meetings to attend, reports to write, a crew to care for, and a ship to fix. It's relaxing, in a hectic kind of way.

So it's really not hard to find something to distract himself with so that he doesn't have the time to think about the lives lost, the empty fucking space in the solar system where Vulcan was, and the fact that in some other universe there's a Jim Kirk who had a father, who became Captain of the Enterprise without mocking the death of another man's mother and the loss of his home world.

A Jim Kirk who didn't start fights in bars because he needed to check he had blood flowing through his veins and air in his lungs, and that he wasn't just the ghost of another man with blond hair and bright blue eyes.

By the time they reach Earth, his crew is buzzing with energy, because they'd been through so much, and now, now they're back home and their families are just a shuttle ride away.

But Jim lingers, finding small jobs around the ship that give him a legitimate reason to stay aboard for as long as he can, dreading the moment when he runs out of excuses and is forced to make an appearance in the welcome hall Starfleet has assigned for the families of the crew.

Because he knows that no one's going to be waiting for him out there.

Bones and Pike are the closest thing to family he has, and despite how Jim feels about the situation he sends Bones off with a clap on his shoulder and a grin, ignoring Bones protests and dismissing his offers to wait for Jim.

Because he knows that Bones needs to be holding his baby girl when it finally hits home that he survived, he's alive, and it wasn't just some fucked up dream.

Pike's been escorted to Starfleet medical already – unconscious throughout the whole journey home because the surgery put too much strain on his body and being awake is just not an option – but it's more for observation than any actual procedures, because Bones proved that he is a God amongst men when it comes to medicine, because not only is Pike going to live but Bones reckons he'll be even able to walk again.

Jim knows his mom sure as hell isn't going to be there, regardless of if he had saved the God damned planet or not, because he still looks too much like a man he's never met, and Winona hasn't seen Jim for years, and hasn't truly seen him for even longer.

Because while he has the same blue eyes and blonde hair, he'll never actually be George Kirk, because George Kirk was open and warm and Jim Kirk is closed off and angry at the world, and a part of Winona hates him for it.

Hates him for looking so much like George, only to disappoint her at every turn.

Hates him for glaring at her with those eyes she used to love so much.

That's not going to change just 'cause Nero got sucked into a black hole.

So Jim finds odd jobs for himself to do, even managing to catch a half hour nap in a Jefferies tube before the sound of explosions rip him from his sleep, the destruction of two planets flashing across his mind, Spock's voice ringing through his ears.

Billions of lives lost because of me, Jim, because I failed.

But right now he can't deal with that, he can't follow that train of thought without his hands shaking, so he pushes it to the back of his mind for now, quickly throwing himself into fixing a small circuiting problem he noticed the other day in engineering. It's not really important, but it gives him something to do, something to keep him on the ship for just a little while longer.

The ship that's starting to feel the closest thing to a home Jim's had in years.