Several minutes after Dib's fearful reunion with his sister, they continued onwards, deeper and deeper into Castle Spooky. Gaz had grown tired of lugging around the heavy Stake-inator and had given it back to her big-headed sibling in exchange for the banana, it had been more than fifteen minutes since dinner at Wang Phat's, after all. The children of Membrane traveled the twisting, spooky halls for what felt like hours until they finally came across a ballroom with a balcony overlooking the city.

"Well, I'm lost." Dib admitted looking around the colossal room, "I wonder if that dancing skeleton could have given me directions..."

"Doubt it." Gaz said, taking another bite out of the banana. She had seen to it that it was no longer a possibility.

"Well, I suppose we'll just keep going then. We'll find Zim eventu-" Dib's train of thought was interrupted when a door swung open and none other than Countney entered the ballroom, dragging a semi-conscious, stretcher-laden Poonchy with one hand while drinking a can of Blood Poop Cola with the other.

"COUNTNEY?!"

The hyperactive vampire girl whirled around, staring wide-eyed at the big-headed boy and his frightening sister. Acting quickly, she tossed away the can of blood and suger and kicked the stretcher back down the hall she had come from. Adopting her familiar, manic smile and speaking in her usual voice that sounded like someone had sped up the audio of squirrels in a blender.

"Why, DIIIIIIIB! What're you doing here?! Are you here to have a SLUMBER PARTY?! I LOVE SLUMBER PARTIES!"

"Countney, listen! There's a dangerous vampire on the loose! You have to get out of here!" Dib clearly hadn't noticed the can of blood nor his kidnapped classmate as he was currently stuck in hero mode.

"Her name is Count-ney?" Gaz said, wondering how her usually paranoid, obsessive-compulsive sibling could have let that little nugget of information slip through the cracks.

Dib, of course, wasn't listening as he continued to plead with the vampire girl for her own safety, "Things are going to get REALLY ugly! It's best if you go home!"

Countney let out another one of her shrill giggles, causing some of the nearby wallpaper to peel from the grating sound. "I AM home, you big SILLY!"

Dib was shocked, he really shouldn't have been, but he was. "You... live here? But, that would mean you're a... you're a..."

"-HIDEOUS, BITEY BLOODPIG!" All eyes turned towards the hallway at the opposite side of the ballroom to behold the source of the exclamation. Zim.

"YOU?! But, how did you escape from the MAZE OF SUFFERING!" Countney screeched at the mutant Irken.

"Your filthy, cluttered human basement was no match for my ingenious brain!" Zim boasted.

"WE ASKED A SKELLINGTON FOR DIRECTIONS!" GIR exclaimed, still by his master's side.

"SILENCE, GIR!" The Irken shouted, chastising his minion for revealing their method of escape. It was at that point, however, that Zim's watch went off and he doubled over as the hunger returned.

"Oh, come on! That was so not fifteen minutes!" Zim cursed, his wooden fang descending as he hissed. He growled and sprinted forward, picking Countney up by the scruff of her jacket.

"ENOUGH OF THIS! This wretched infection ends here and now! GIR! Bring me the-" Zim's train of thought was suddenly derailed when he noticed that the sickeningly sweet girl he had just picked up was snarling like a bag of rabid wolverine. In a split second, one of Countney's grew large, muscled and grotesque and she backhanded the Irken across the room before continuing her hideous transformation. Her other arm grew like it's twin, both appendages growing long like those of an orangutan's, the rest of her body swelled up with grotesque muscle as her fangs grew to the size of walrus tusks and a pair of flesh-colored, sickly bat wings sprouted from her now-broad shoulders.

It was both incredibly impressive and utterly disgusting.

"WHOA! I didn't know we could do THAT! Hold on, gimme a sec!" Zim began to strain and grunt, trying to begin his own transformation. The transformed Countney just waited patiently.

"AL-MOST... GOT... IT... HNNNNGH!" Despite all of the Irken's straining and squeezing it didn't seem to be going much of anywhere. Countney raised a disgusting claw to say something when a couple of snapping noises were heard. Zim's chopstick fangs had split apart into four. It was then that the proverbial floodgates opened. The Irken's body grew hulking, huge and misshapen much like his human-vampire counterpart. However, in place of wings, two long insect legs sprouted from each shoulder and instead of growing massive and walrus-like, two fleshy, baby-like arms sprouted from Zim's gums, holding the chopsticks expertly in their chubby, little fingers.

"Hey, this is neat!" Zim said, admiring his new form, his voice deep and monstrous.

"I KNOW, RIGHT?!" Countney's voice had also grown deeper, but somehow was no less screechy or annoying.

The two transformed vampires took a few moments to nod in agreement before hissing and charging at each other, fangs bared and chopsticks clicking. As the blood and noodle suckers clawed and swiped at each other in fearsome battle, Dib lifted up the heavy Stake-inator, aiming it towards the mutated Irken, but hesitation stayed his hand.

"What're you waiting for?" Gaz asked, taking another big bite of banana.

Dib looked panicked as he kept his aim upon his green nemesis, "I can't get a clear shot!"

"So? They're both vampires. Why do you care?"

"... Oh yeah! Thanks, Gaz!" The big-headed said, pulling the trigger.

Thung! Thung-thung-thung-thun-thun-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-t h-th-th!

Dib screamed like a howler monkey as the Stake-inator fired full-auto, stakes shooting everywhere as the kickback from the weapon shook Dib like someone shaking a baby. The wooden spikes embedding themselves everywhere BUT the vampires locked in immortal combat. This went on for some time. Finally, the Stake-inator ran out of ammunition and, having been shaken up worse than a can of soda in the foot well of a race car, Dib dropped the weapon and threw up.

"That... that was horrible." Gaz said, disgusted by her sibling's terrible aim.

Dib groaned, covering his mouth as his cheeks ballooned again, feeling the urge to vomit again. The scary doomchild rolled her eyes, eating the last bit of banana and deciding to put an end to the fight that was already begining to bore her, threw the banana peel right into the path of Countney. With a soft, wet squish the vampire girl's foot came down upon the banana peel and she let out a scream.

"EWWWW! YUCKY!" She exclaimed, lifting her foot to look at the squished banana that was now stuck to her foot. Hopping on one leg, the vampire girl grumbled and cursed, trying to scrap the peel from her foot with a stick. Zim stared at his occupied opponant for a moment before realizing that this was the chance he had been waiting for.

"NOW, GIR!" He shouted at his robot dog slave, who leaped right out of the rain-resistant poncho-clad dogsuit and into the air, landing stiff-as-a-board right into his master's gross, mutated hands. The Irken pumped the automation's body as though he were a shotgun.
CA-CHUNK!

Countney made a confused grunt as she looked up and found herself face to face with the blue-eyed robot.

"SUKKIT!" GIR squealed happily in the wide-eyed vampire girl's face as he lowered his open head and shot the screechy female right in the face, blasting her back into the far wall. After a few moments, the dust cleared to reveal the large, monster-shaped imprint upon the wall with Countney, in her human form, in the center of it, a rib-eye steak still sticking to her head.

Don't you dare say you didn't see this coming.

The vampire girl gave a groan as she slid down the wall and fell onto her face. Dib just stared, jaw dropped to the floor at what just occurred. It took a second for the shock to dissipate, but when it did, it was replaced by a blinding, indignant rage.

"ZIM, YOU MORON! You shot meat at her! You're supposed to use a wooden stake, you IDIOT! Hey, what the-" The big-headed boy whirled around as he heard the sound of Zim's chopstick fangs falling upon the floor. The Irken's form began to shrink, the extra appendages retreating back into his body as he returned to normal.

"The curse is lifted! VICTORY FOR ZIM!" Zim exclaimed, throwing his fists up in the air as the terrible, noodle-craving hunger was cured.

"Oh, come on! It does NOT work that way!" The Big-headed boy shouted, feeling more than a little bit betrayed by the universe, he crossed his arms and sulked as his green-skinned nemesis had himself a little victory dance.

Attention was then turned towards the squeaky whimpering on the other side of the room, near the crater. Countney had gotten to her feet, lip thrust out in a pout and eyes wide, round and teared up as the steak slowly slide down her face and onto the floor. It was then that the screechy girl gave her biggest screech yet.

"DAD-DY! THE ICKY GREEN KID THREW MEAT AT MEEEEEEE!"

"Daddy?" Dib said, his brief confusion replaced by mind-numbing fear as the castle began to tremor and shake. Something big was coming. The huge, double doors opposite the balcony burst open, fog flowing into the room as a dark, terrible coffin levitated into the room and stood upright like a monolith. Fear gripped everyone in the room (except for Gaz and GIR), as the coffin creaked open to reveal it's occupant.

It was Count Cocofang.

"Uhhh! Stop throwing meat at my daugh-ter!" The Count groaned, wiggling his fingers in a terrifying manner. One could hear a pin drop in the following silence.

Dib was the first to break the silence, "Count Cocofang... you're a REAL vampire?!"

Cocofang's arms dropped limply to his sides, a deep look upon his face.

"I USED to be real..." He said sorrowfully as he recalled distant, happier memories of his life. He was young, skinny and looked just like he did on the cereal box, frolicking happily through a field of daisies, a mob of angry villagers chasing him.

"I was young and handsome! Not a care in the world! Things may not have been perfect for a vampire, but they were good enough! Until one night, when inspiration came to me in the form of a FrankenChokie Commercial! I created my own brand of breatfast cereal called Coco Splodies! A breakfast so sweet, so chocolicious, so chock-full of sugar that kids were enable to resist it! Using my own spoOoOoOoky image to market the cereal, I soon had supermarkets across the country peddling my delicious fudge-nuggets!"

"Ew." Dib said. Fudge-nuggets was not one of those words that sounded right in any context.

Cocofang remembered back to the golden days, he had fistfuls of money and was surrounded by attractive vampire women. "I made a fortune off selling that cereal! And I earned the love and respect of the vampire community! For you see, when the children's bloodsugar levels reached their peak, I would have their sweetened blood collected using mandatory skool blood drives!"

"I always wondered about those..." The big-headed boy commented.

"My fellow vampires loved... LOVED the taste of the sugar-infused blood! And I became even richer off marketing the sweet plasma to the vampire community!" The Count then began to weep.

"Oh! What a fool I was! Vampires were never meant to consume blood with such high sugar content! It was only after I was diagnosed with Vampiabetes that I realized the folly of what I had done! But, it was already too late! We were all fat, lazy and addicted to the sweet blood of sugar-ridden children! I had doomed my kind to a fate worse than death! Were fate not already cruel enough, the world saw fit to turn my only daughter into a horrible, hyperactive sugar-addict. Just like what I did to all those kiddies with my accursed breakfast cereal!"

"Oh, daddy! You're so SILLY!" Countney exclaimed, twitching and jittering uncontrollably.

"See what I mean?" Cocofang said, gesturing towards his twitchy spawn before groaning and sitting down in a nearby recliner, slouching lazily as he turned on the T.V.

"Wow... that's... that's HORRIBLE." Dib said, shocked and appalled at the Count's sad tale.

"... Can I have your autograph?" Gaz said, holding up an unopened box of Coco Splodies.

"Sure, bring it here." The washed-up vampire said, taking out a pen and signing the cereal box. Realization suddenly hit Dib like the grappling hook that suddenly snatched GIR without nobody noticed.

"Waitaminute! If you're real then... then that means Bill ISN'T crazy!" The big-headed boy said in complete and utter horror. The Count responded as he handed the cereal box back to the purple-haired girl.

"Whaddya nuts? 'Course he's crazy! Have you met the guy?!"

"Crazy like a fish, Count Cocofang!" Came a voice from the balcony. It was Bill, he was clean shaven, held a bunch of bananas and seemed to have climbed up the balcony using a grappling hook. "Crazy like a fish!"

"You DARE come into my lair! I thought I put a restraining order out on you!" Cocofang said, not bothering to get out of his chair.

"The laws passed down in your sinister vampiric court have no sway over the lives of mortal men!"

"It was a regular court, you tried to stab me in a crowded mall!"

Bill turned his attention towards Dib, "Little man, I have you to thank for shining the light of truth over my sad state of unwashed self-pity and reminding me what's right with the world! When I saw how willing you were to do battle with the 'Fang, I realized that if this little chump was willing to risk everything to fight the evil, sucky hordes than so should I! Join me, little man! Together, we can put an end to Count Cocofang's reign of terror and finish this, once and for all!"

By the end of Bill's little speech, Dib found himself massaging his temples. Meanwhile, Cocofang was gesturing at the insane, paranormal investigator in a can you believe this guy? manner.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Zim said, knowing all too well what it's like to be chased by a deranged human.

With a sigh, Dib said, "I don't care anymore. I've had enough for one night."

"You're right, little man! This is something I have to do myself!" Bill said, pulling a banana from the bunch he had brought with him, "C'mon, 'Fang! Let's dance!"

"Get out of my house!" Cocofang shouted, not even reacting when the banana hit him in the head with a squeak.

"Quit it." The Count said, as Bill threw another another banana. The exchange went on like this for some time. Zim, Gaz and Dib decided to leave at this point. There was only so much stupidity one could take in a day. Finally, Cocofang grew tired of the banana lobbing maniac.

"That's it... get 'em... Wharwahssels..." The Count slurred as his pet Wereweasels bounded into the room, GIR riding upon one's back, and pounced upon the banana-lobbing idiot. As the beasts maimed Bill, who was laughing as saying things like: "Is that all you've got?!" Countney giggled and cheered while Cocofang reached over to the table next to his recliner and grabbed his phone, "I'm calling the police."

Later, back at Zim's Base. Skoodge was sitting on the couch, typing on his laptop when Zim and GIR returned. He gave a smile and asked, "Hey, buddy! How'd it go?!"

"Don't ask." Zim said as he headed to the kitchen and into the lab, GIR trailing behind him, holding up a bunch of bananas like a trophy.

"Alright then." Skoodge said, watching Zim vanish down into the depths of the base. A call came in on his laptop, which he promptly answered.

"Agent Bloated Rat here!"

THE END.