A/N: This is set on Chapter 30 [Defeated] of the manga, which is probably one of the saddest parts of the manga for me; alongside Marco's death (I love Marco okay). This is like a bit of introspective on Rivaille's mind as he follows Mikasa and sees the dead bodies of the members of his squad. I would like to think that after Rivaille's speech about choosing and not regretting your choice, he regretted deep down that he didn't go back to his squad and just went and obeyed Irvin, thus making his line "[spoken to Irvin] I'll trust your judgment on this." a kind of mirror to Eren's when he chose to trust his comrades then ended up regretting it because all of them died.

Afterwords

Mourning is a privilege a soldier can never have.

It has never crossed Rivaille's mind before that he will someday wish that he can be given time to grieve, to think, to thank, and to mourn his friends.

Yes, they're my… friends aren't they?

Lance Corporal Rivaille was never known to stumble, to lose his composure on land nor air, to show any of his feelings visibly on his face. Everything about him was battle-hardened, weary, and practical.

The funeral for his friends was swift and in passing, a high-speed blur among the tall trees and strewn bodies of titans and humans alike on the velvet green forest floor. There was no time to stop, to look for a second longer, no time to even let out a single, rare tear. Everything must be done quickly, because there's still a job to be done, to finish, and it takes precedence above all others.

Even them.

The only sound of his passing was the mechanical whirr of the maneuver gear as he swung from tree to tree, going past the lifeless body of Gunter hanging from a branch and he grieves in that moment, for the steadfast soldier who goes into battle with a steady heart and a level head.

He dips low, the toes of his boots barely skimming the grass as he gazes on the body that was once his second-in-command. Erd, or at least what's left of him, lay on the dewy ground, features as austere as ever even in death. Rivaille mourns for the leader he lost, for the man to whom he trusted the lives of the others.

He takes a sharp turn, swerving around a huge tree and sees them, sees the two corpses below. He drops down a bit, letting his eyes pass over the face-down body of Auruo. He breathes a silent thanks to him, for fighting to the end even if it was against all odds, to save a comrade.

It took him only a single swing around the tree's massive body to fully see her against it, body pressed against the hard trunk, her face tilted upwards. His eyes widen, if only a bit, betraying a hint of emotion that one would be hard pressed to find on his face. He slows down for the smallest second, trying to take it in, take in the fact that she, Petra , is now gone.

He silently grieves for her smiles now forever lost, mourns for her voice no longer ringing sweetly on his ears, thanks her for the little bits of cheer she manages to sneak in to their lives and finally, he thinks of what could have been if everything was over and they weren't soldiers, just people.

He locks eyes with ones that glowed vibrant green in life and thinks of all the possibilities, all the possible chances yet he knows that he must live with them being forever buried and forgotten in alternate dimensions and wishful fantasies.

Soldiers are never permitted to mourn, so Rivaille speeds ahead, to fulfill the job he was tasked to accomplish.