CHAPTER XVII

Part II

I stand still. My mind wandering around those many times I died for listening her saying those words. People changes,that's true. I've grown up being witness of that,but what if she hasn't? What if she's just trying to make sure I'm still at her feet. Or what if she's just trying to get me back because she alone,but when Ashley comes back with her she leaves me again? But she's standing here,in front of me,waiting for me to say yes.

But what if that yes means another heartbreak? I can't take a decision this fast.

I cough and look around behind her. The weather is cold and it's just then that I notice she's shaking. Her nose is red and her face pale. How did it get that cold too fast?

—Uhm Grace,you should come inside,you're freezing—. I move to the side before she slowly makes her way past me

—Thanks—. She whispers squeezing herself inside her old black jacket. I love the way she looks in that jacket,actually I love the way she looks in black,well I love the way she looks in everything ... What an I even saying?

I shake my head and mind out of my thoughts. Clearing my throat I make my way until her

—Uhn do you want something to drink? Tea? Coffee? You can sit down,you know?—. She stops looking around the house and lock her eyes into mine. She sits with a small chuckle

—Thank you ... uhm can I have a cup of tea? Just to warm up a little please—. I nod my head and walk inside the kitchen.

What am I even doing? The girl who broke my heart into pieces is sitting on my couch,my small couch,on my house,my alone house and ready for me to answer her invitation. I'm crazy,I shouldn't have let her in. Oh Sonny you're thinking like a bitch!

Okay breath in,breath out. Everything is going to be okay! I mean,it's not like she's going to ... to ... I don't even know. Geez

I take both cups of hot water in my hands and the small bags of tea in my mouth. I jump back a little as I get into the living room to not find her where I left her,she's walking along the picture table,looking at each of them

—I hope you like chamomile because that was the only one left—. I place the cups on the table and sit down to open the bags. The scent of nature filling my lungs and I start to feel relaxed

—Oh yeah,I love it,thanks—. I half smile,waiting as she walks to the couch and sits beside me.

I feel how her eyes pierce my actions while I just stare down at the cups of water not knowing what to say. The tension increases,I can perfectly feel how my heart speeds up at the frustration.

—Sonny? Are you okay?—. Her voice is so soft,full of worry. That makes my eyes dart up and stare into hers. That's all it takes,just a look for me to get lost.

Why is she keep having that effect on me? I shouldn't be feeling this fireworks inside my stomach.

—Yeah,why?—. I whisper with a soft smile pushing her cup more towards her side.

—I don't know... it's been a while since I don't see you giving the world a real smile—. I shake my head,take my cup between my hands and lean against the couch

—Well when you're not happy with yourself,its hard to look happy for others—. I shrug not really caring about how my life is going right now. Actually,I haven't thought about it and it's been relaxing that way

—What's wrong Sonny?—.

—Grace,I really don't want to talk about my life right now,I've been good—. I know I disappointed her and I understand,maybe my words were to harsh

—Sorry Grace,it's just I've been fine not thinking about the hell my life is,and I don't want to remember it—. My eyes look around starting to feel the nervousness

—You know I'm here for you whenever you need me,right?—. Warm touch grazes my knee making me turn to face her. Her face is nearer mine and it's an innocent close distance until her shinny brown eyes dart from my eyes to my lips. My heart skips a beat as I watch her moves.

Her eyes close and I start to feel her breath hitting my nose softly. She's so close,so damn close. All I have to do is ... lean ... a little ...

—SO! Grace,wanna watch a movie or something?—. I couldn't. I couldn't just kiss her like that,out of the nowhere. After all that happened,I still have my doubts about her

—Uhm yeah sure—. She shrugs,her eyes screaming disappointment ... again. Well,what was she expecting? For me to just kiss her after all what she did to me?! Really? She should already know I'm not that easy though I might looked the opposite months ago ...

—Brave huh? I've heard it's good—. I chuckle at the desperation in her voice. She's trying to make this less awkward and I really appreciate it

—I can't believe you haven't seen it. It's so beautiful—. I sit beside her and try my best to just focus my mind on the movie ...

—They'll be fire and sword if it's not set right—.

—Just listen!—.

—I am the queen! You listen to me!—.

—Oh! This is so unfair!—

—Huh! Unfair?—.

—You were never there for me! This whole marriage is what you want! Do you ever bother to ask what I want? No! You walk around telling me what to do, what not to do! Trying to make me be like you! Well, I'm not going to be like you!—.

—Ach! You're acting like a child!—.

—And you're a beast! That's what you are!—.

—Merida!—

—I will never be like you!—.

—No! Stop that!—

—I'd rather die than be like you!—.

I start to cry. I just can't help it. I don't even know why I put this movie in first place,it just remembers me so much to my mom.

I don't know why she has never liked a single decision I've made in my life. I mean,I haven't done a thing against her,and when I finally start to live my own life ... she just ... she ... Why can't she support me in at least one decision of mine? Why is it so difficult for her to understand I'm not going to be everything that other girls are?

—Sonny? Sonny what's wrong? Why are you crying?—. I can't handle this by myself. I just have to let it out

—My mom ... Grace,I don't know how to make my mom love me the way I am. She doesn't like me a little bit,and it hurts me so much—. I let her hug me. The softness of her ants wrapped around my back make me stop shaking

—Sonny,your mom loves you,I know she does—.

—How can you say that? You don't know her. You don't know how bad she makes me feel which every move I take. Of course she doesn't say it literally,but I know how to read between her lines. She doesn't stand me seeing me without make up,she doesn't stand me dressing up like I usually do,she doesn't like the way I talk,my friends,not even the way I walk! I'm just some ... shitty dyke for her and I don't know what to do for her to like me like I am ... I don't know what to do to make my mom love me—. I feel her shoulder getting wet under my chin but I can't even find the force for apologize. Heck,I hate feeling this weak,I hate people seeing me this weak.

—I don't know what to tell you Sonny—. My back feels how her warm thin hands rub up and down it. What she doesn't know is that she really doesn't have to say a thing,because only her heat can make me feel better.

We stay like that for some good minutes before she pulls away softly and slowly. Her hand goes up and wipes the tears rolling down my cheeks off. It's funny how it's so cold in here but she keeps me warm with every touch

—Maybe you should keep your mind off all those things—. I nod my head,her hand still cupping my cheek

—How about that date huh? Come on,I promise it will be fun—. I chuckle leaning back against the couch. At the end of the day she always gets what she wants,doesn't she?

—That doesn't sound bad at all—. She gives me a small warm smile before her lips crash with my forehead.