Title: The Red Tabby Misunderstanding (The Red Tabby Remix)

Author: iloveplotbunnies

Rating: T

Summary: Jane finds a special woman and Lisbon is confused. Written for the Paint it Red Remix 2013, based off the story "Red Tabby" by MerriWyllow.

Disclaimer: I honestly don't own The Mentalist or Red Tabby. I just own myself. :)

Bent on refilling her coffee mug, Lisbon strolled into the kitchenette and glanced around for her stray consultant. Jane was nowhere in sight, which caused her posture to straighten and a frown to mar her face. Van Pelt and Rigsby waved at her from near the fake potted plant and she nodded to them both, before she poured coffee into her white CBI mug.

"Have either of you seen Jane today?" Lisbon questioned. She watched Rigsby shake his head and she grimaced in response.

"He's probably out finding a blueberry muffin," Van Pelt answered with a smile. Lisbon doubted that Jane was out buying a pastry item, as the insufferable man usually called to ask her what she wanted. The silence, she had to admit, was nice; but she could only take so much silence, before she started to wonder what he was up to.

Lisbon set the coffee mug back down on the counter, before she turned to face Rigsby. "If he calls either of you, let me know." She didn't wait for their nods to turn on her heels and start back toward her office, where she toyed with her cellphone for a few minutes. She had called him twice, forty-five minutes ago, but the call had gone straight to his voicemail and she had given up in a huff.

Patrick Jane was many things, and considerate had never been one of them.

Twiddling her thumbs, she leaned back in her chair and stared up at the support beams within her office. Lisbon doubted Jane would leave them all again, but the lack of response to her calls or texts had her worried. She didn't want to spend another six months worrying about him, only to find that he had been having sex with another Red John mistress all along. Jane was her best friend and she truly cared for him, but his continuing lack of trust in her was pathetic.

She had stood up for him, stood with him, supported every single crazy plan of his to catch Red John, and yet he still felt as if he had to keep her and the team in the dark. He continuously said he trusted her and he had even once said that he'd always be there to save her, yet, he couldn't even bother to call and tell her his exact location.

Regardless of how Jane felt about his own life, Lisbon didn't want him to die. His quest for Red John wasn't more important than his life, wasn't more important than their friendship of over nine years. Red John was just a misguided and bitter serial killer; bent on ruining the lives and the happiness of Jane and everyone else around him.

And the sooner he realizes this, Lisbon thought with a frown, the better off he'll be.

Lisbon shifted in her chair and glanced down at her computer, when she heard her cellphone vibrate on the top surface of her desk. She straightened her posture and side-eyed the small screen, before she grimaced and held the phone to her ear.

"Where in the hell have you been?" Lisbon asked him, silently praying that she'd hear his voice and not the technologically altered voice of Red John. She heard Jane's laughter in her ear and she immediately calmed, though she still clung to her righteous anger.

"Miss me, Lisbon?" Jane greeted her and all she wanted to do was throttle him with her bare hands. "I'm sorry I'm late, but someone needed my attention." Lisbon furrowed her brows. To her knowledge, the only family Jane had left was his brother-in-law, Danny Ruskin. "I'll be up in the bullpen shortly."

"Who had your attention?"

She heard Jane's laugh again, before she rolled her eyes. If he said one word about jealousy, she'd show him what jealously truly meant. "She is a beauty with her long red hair." Lisbon continued to furrow her brows. When did Jane have time for a girl? "And she appreciates my car, unlike you Lisbon." Lisbon almost groaned. Any woman who appreciated Jane's car had to be insane, especially as the contraption had no seatbelts and was a death trap on wheels. She wanted to ask him if the girl had a will, but she felt that was highly inappropriate and ridiculous. "That's where I found her, in fact—stretched out on the hood in the sun."

Lisbon's jaw dropped, slightly. Jane had found a girl on the top of his car and he hadn't attempted calling the police? She wondered if he wanted to be arrested for kidnapping some helpless woman, who probably wasn't in the best of shapes if he had found her on the top of his car.

"But then," Jane continued. "She does not appreciate the smooth ride as much as I had hoped." If the woman were injured or lost, why in the hell would she want to wake up in a strangers' car? Regardless of how attractive Jane was, Lisbon rolled her eyes and knew she'd probably be cleaning this damned mess up.

"You don't know where she's been?" Lisbon tried to make her question sound more like a statement, but she wasn't sure if Jane completely bought that or not.

"Well yes, I get that," Jane replied. "That's why I checked with the clinic when we went in for a check-up and shots." Lisbon's hand hit her forehead. Jane had gone to a clinic! A clinic where anybody could have seen the consultant and the young woman, he had seemingly kidnapped. "They can board her when I have to go out of town."

"Do you realize how cruel that sounds?" Lisbon asked, standing from her chair. Jane was insane, but she knew he wasn't this insane. Yeah, he had taken suspects from their hospital beds before and he had…never mind, she stopped herself. Jane would kidnap young women, especially if he thought the individual had a connection to Red John. "You can't keep her locked away…"

"Too late, I already named her Lucy," Jane interrupted. She said nothing for a minute, as she tried to figure out some other logical explanation for the world having turned all topsy-turvy. If Jane showed up with some woman named Lucy on his arm, she could only imagine how she'd explain that one to the entire bureau. After all, the last girl he had brought back was Red John's girl and the excuse for that had been he was going to play her for information.

Lisbon muttered something office-inappropriate under her breath, which Jane clearly misunderstood. "No, it's not short for Lucifer." Maybe it's for the best he didn't hear what I actually said, Lisbon thought, as she stood from her chair and left her office. "I wanted to name her after Van Pelt, but if I call her Grace; the conversation here might get confusing."

"Hell, Jane." Lisbon muttered, thinking of how she was going to smooth this one over. She kept the phone pinned to her ear, even as she watched Jane stroll into the bullpen with his cocky smile in place.

"You know, most so-called dog people who claim to not like cats simply do not understand them," Jane told her and she stared at him. He had been talking about a girl not even three seconds ago and now he wanted to talk about cats? What was he on? She almost wanted to take a step closer, just to see if he was high or something. "Body language and social structure are different enough that the cats seem alien." She continued to stare at him. "But if you just give them a chance on their own terms, you might find you like them."

Lisbon tilted her head, slightly. None of this conversation was making any sense to her and her head was beginning to hurt. She glanced around, trying to find the mysterious woman that Jane had kidnapped, but she found no one. Jane continued grinning at her and finally, her eyes caught the gray pet carrier sitting beyond Jane's feet.

She let out an inaudible sigh of relief and placed her phone away. Unless Jane could fit a young woman's body into a pet carrier, she knew he hadn't kidnapped any woman; instead, something red had found him.

"I don't think so, Jane," She said, suddenly feeling relieved.

"You learned to like me on my own terms."

"I learned to like you in spite of your terms."

"Ah, so you admit you like me."

Lisbon rolled her eyes again. She was 110% done with Patrick Jane and his 'cat' (or so she hoped it was a cat and not a red opossum) for the month. "I'm gonna need a bigger cup of coffee." She brushed past him and stood in the kitchenette, looking around for the largest coffee mug she could find.

Jane's voice came from behind her. "So, be honest with me; when I said long red hair, what popped into your mind first?" Lisbon ignored him. "You obviously had no idea I was talking about a cat, until after you saw the pet carrier. Don't think I didn't notice your eyes looking for someone behind me."

"Oh hush," Lisbon threw with a scowl.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Lisbon," Jane continued. "I was vague on purpose; I almost did the same thing to Rigsby last week, but I made him believe that you and I were…" Jane paused and Lisbon turned to glance at him, as she watched him cross his arms against his chest. "Never mind. Totally inappropriate at work. Forgive me, Lisbon." The smile on his face told her he wasn't sorry at all, but she let it slide.

"I should have you fired."

"We both know I'd be right back," He told her, still smiling. "You know you wouldn't be able to survive without me, Teresa. I am, after all, the heart of this unit."

Lisbon snorted. "Not even close. You're more like the little toe bone."

"The heart keeps the blood pumping, hence, I am like the heart; I keep this department going, because without me, you'd all never solve cases." Lisbon glared. "Ergo, I've decided that Lucy will be our new mascot."

"You've decided what?" Lisbon asked, nearly spilling her coffee all over herself. Out of all the asinine ideas that Jane had come to her with over the years, the idea of keeping a cat in the CBI had to be one of the dumbest. "We're not keeping any animal; cat, dog, skunk, opossum…"

"Lisbon, you're pronouncing it wrong; it's pronounced OH-possum," Jane informed her with a smile. "Contrary to popular belief, the O in opossum is not silent."

"Whether it's an OH-possum or a weasel, I don't give a damn," Lisbon shot back, unimpressed. "Either cut the thing loose or I'll kick it." She wasn't about to kick any animal (aside from Jane), but she couldn't deny that she wasn't exactly a cat person. Her dislike of cats all stemmed from a minor incident with Mr. Pickles, a cat her neighbor had when she was around five-years-old and she wasn't about to tell Jane that story.

"Okay," Jane said, throwing his hands up in the air. "I'll let Lucy go." She nodded, thankful for the fact that he was actually going to listen to her for once in his life and let the poor creature go. Lisbon turned to grab at the coffee pot again, when she heard Van Pelt shout something from the bullpen. "I let the cat go, Lisbon! Aren't you proud?"

Under her breath, Lisbon cursed, as she spun on her heels and peered into the bullpen. Jane was rocking back-and-forth on his heels, a devilish smile complimenting his golden features, while Van Pelt's mouth was pressed into a firm line. Rigsby looked highly amused from beyond his desk and Cho seemed apathetic to whatever Jane had just done.

It was then, that her eyes spotted the empty gray cat carrier and she groaned. Of all the stupid things that he could have done, the idiot had just decided to release a cat named Lucy into the Serious Crimes Unit of the CBI.

"Patrick Jane!" Lisbon cried, outraged. Jane turned to grin at her, as she stepped into the threshold of the bullpen with her arms crossed. "When I told you to let it go…"

"You told me to let her go, so I let her go," Jane explained, devilish smile still in place. "I can't help it, Lisbon, if you weren't more specific in the places where I should have actually let Lucy go."

"Why would you think I meant in the CBI, Jane?" Lisbon asked him, annoyed.

"Where else would you release a pregnant cat, Lisbon?" Jane questioned. "In the fish and milk crimes department?" She heard Rigsby chuckle and she turned to glare at him. Rigsby stopped immediately and glanced down at his computer, as the last thing she needed was for Jane to be encouraged. "Of course, I released in her the CBI! You keep telling me littering on the street is a bad thing, Lisbon."

Lisbon clenched her fists together. "When I say littering, I don't mean dropping a pregnant cat on the streets. I mean dumping your damned tea leaves on the ground."

"Technicalities," Jane gave, waving her off. Lisbon tried to keep calm, but the more she thought about a pregnant cat running through the CBI and popping out a liter of cats, the more her anger rose. "And when Lucy has children; I'll name each one of them…"

"You are going to find that damned cat, Jane." She watched him shake his head. "What do you mean by this?" She mimicked his shaking head response.

"I can't, Lisbon," Jane gave.

"And why not?"

"Because," Jane responded with a smile. "It feels wrong to relocate a pregnant cat, Lisbon. It would be like asking a pregnant woman to move from her seat on the bus. I'd be a monster."

"So," Lisbon heard Rigsby chime in from his desk. "Does Sargent Fuzzyworth get to stay?"

"Lucy, Rigsby," Jane corrected, politely. "Her name is Lucy…" Lisbon rolled her eyes. She was not about to let a pregnant cat stay within the bullpen, especially if said cat was close to giving birth and they'd have kittens running amok all over the place. "Didn't you want a kitten as a child, Lisbon?"

"No." Cats also freaked her out with their large eyes; and they peed everywhere.

"I did," Van Pelt commented. "My mom was allergic to cats though, so my dad would never allow for us to keep a cat." Lisbon watched Van Pelt smile, brightly. "However, we found a long-haired neighborhood cat; we named her Fluffy. She was a smart animal…" Lisbon held back from rolling her eyes at Van Pelt's statement, considering she didn't think that Van Pelt would appreciate her dissing of cats. "Aside from that one time, she somehow managed to get stuck in tree."

"Cats are notoriously famous for getting stuck in trees," Jane said and Van Pelt nodded. "It's a commonly used trope in plotlines to highlight some type of hero, typically the local fireman." Lisbon shook her head. "Don't believe me, Lisbon? Name one movie with a cat that didn't get stuck up a tree?" He gave her a moment and she rolled her eyes. Why would anyone count the number of times that a dumb cat was stuck in a tree? "I've proved my…"

"The second Homeward Bound," Rigsby offered. Lisbon turned to look at him, as he sheepishly shrugged his shoulders in response. "Ben really likes talking animals and I refuse to let him watch TV alone." Lisbon held back her amusement at Jane's slightly surprised expression.

"Was your name Lisbon, Rigsby?"

"I thought it was a free-for-all answer, especially as you've released a pregnant cat into the CBI and you have no plans on catching her." Jane's surprised expression, especially to Lisbon, kept getting better and better. "Better hope Bertram isn't allergic to cats." Lisbon heard someone sneeze behind her and she sighed.

"If someone else sneezes, Jane, you're going to catch the cat," Lisbon said, after a moment of silence. She watched Jane open his mouth in protest, but she cut him off. "I don't care if you'll feel bad for releasing a pregnant cat back into the wild or if you'll get your suit dirty from the amount of dust and cat hair on the floors. You'll catch the cat and let her go; am I clear?"

"You want me to find Lucy and let her go," Jane repeated and Lisbon nodded, before Jane frowned. "Do you know the exact number of cat homicides per year, Lisbon?" She heard Rigsby chortle. "We live in one of the most dangerous cities in the United States for cats. Bumper-to-bumper traffic, the lack of public spaces, too many dogs, and the lack of a good health care system for cats…"

"Cats don't own insurance."

"I don't either, Lisbon," Jane pointed out to her with a frown. "What stops me from going outside right now and being hit by a car?"

"Common sense," Cho retorted. Rigsby and Van Pelt chuckled.

Lisbon shook her head. "The only reason you'll get hit by a car is if I push you into oncoming traffic first."

"Now, that doesn't sound like a good use of your time."

"It's not meant to be," Lisbon told him, honestly. Jane grinned and Lisbon sighed again. "Find the cat, please. I'd rather the CBI not be overtaken by cats."

"But, Lisbon," Jane commented with a wry grin. "It's the perfect joke. When a suspect asks what the CBI stands for, we can tell them, Cat Bureau of Investigation." She stared at him, wishing she could hit her head against the wall. "I can just imagine the conversations now, "No ma'am, we don't investigate your…"."

"Do it. When I come out of my office, I expect to find both cat and pet carrier gone," Lisbon interrupted, before she spun on her heels and retreated into the safety of her office. She reveled in the silence, while she sank into her desk chair and dived into her work emails. Her office was both Jane free and…

The sudden sound of meowing from somewhere within her office halted her thoughts and she cursed.

"Damn it, Jane!"