Chapter 30: Drunk

A/N: Lol, this idea came to mind as I lay in bed. Isn't that just lovely?

If you like China I hope you somewhat enjoyed the last chapter -.-

Skulduggery Pleasant sat on his sofa that night watching the news, wondering if any recent murders had happened lately. He was going to ask Valkyrie to come over and watch it, but she and Tanith already had plans that night. Hopefully they weren't doing anything foolish…What was he saying? Of course they were.

Skulduggery flipped open his mobile and scrolled down the contacts until he found the name 'Valkyrie Mobile' and clicked send. He held the mobile to his skull and listened for an answer, tapping his fingers on the arm of the sofa.

After a few moments there was an answer, but it wasn't the usual 'hello.' Skulduggery cocked his head and listened as giggling came through, and he tried to recognize the laughs as they boomed through the speaker.

"Uh, Val? Tanith?" he called, hoping someone would make an ounce of sense soon.

"Oooh, Val! Did you hear that?" came Tanith Low's voice.

"Yeah, maybe I butt dialed someone on this thingy. Where's the off switch?" Valkyrie Cain mumbled, probably fiddling with the phone.

Skulduggery stiffened as thoughts raced through his mind. Were they…drunk? They were definitely old enough, Valkyrie being twenty five and Tanith being in her early seventies.

The line went dead and Skulduggery set the phone down in shock. He would have to find them before they went off on a rampage through Ireland. Tanith was especially crazy, and he could only imagine what she would do being drunk. God, talk about mental scarring.

Before Skulduggery could even move, the knob of his front door began wiggling loudly. Skulduggery glanced at the moving knob and pulled out his revolver, going to the door cautiously. He peered out the window and saw Valkyrie and Tanith barefoot and…clad in only their bra and underwear.

What were they doing? God…

He opened the door slowly and hid behind the door as the two drunken women walked in, and he instantly became nervous. What did he do in this situation? Val had never gotten drunk before…this was new to him.

"V-Val?" he stuttered walking out from behind the door slowly.

The dark haired woman turned around and put her hand on her hips, raising an eyebrow at him.

God, this was awkward with her being in just black underwear and a black bra.

"What are you doing behind the door, fool?" she asked suddenly, walking over to him.

Skulduggery stiffened and stared at her as she tugged his tie harshly. She literally dragged him into the living room where Tanith was, wearing the exact same thing except red. This was not going to be good for his reputation…

Two of his best friends half naked in his living room…what had he just gotten into?
Valkyrie let go and shoved him onto the couch, leaving him there frozen and confused. She winked and leaned over to Tanith whispering something in her ear, earning a vicious nod from the blond.

"Okay!" Valkyrie muttered, turning away from Tanith who was smiling like a mad woman.

Skulduggery's gaze darted from Val to Tanith in complete confusion. What the hell was going on here?

He looked up again to see Valkyrie walking over to him, and he covered his eyes in fear. This was getting a little overboard. He sat there puzzled until he felt someone on his lap, and moved one hand away to see Valkyrie straddling his hips with a smirk on her face.

"Oh God!" he shouted, trying to squirm away from her.

"Aw, baby, don't crawl away," Valkyrie whined, grabbing onto the skeleton's shoulders.

Skulduggery froze and almost passed out at that moment. This was…awful. Not that he didn't love Val…he truly did, but she was drunk and acting crazy.

"Good skeleton," she whispered leaning forward to kiss him.

Skulduggery freaked out and tried moving his skull backwards until it was crushed against the wall. Valkyrie laughed and kept moving forward, knowing he was trapped. She gripped the sides of his skull and kissed him ferociously, her lips sliding everywhere over his teeth. He struggled inside her grasp and tried to pull away, but simply couldn't, not in this position. He decided enough was enough and reached his hand to her bare thigh and squeezed it.

Valkyrie immediately stopped and began giggling as he tickled her, eventually falling off of him in a heap.

He took his chance and ran up the steps and into his room, locking it quickly behind him. He slumped down to sit in front of the door and heard the pounding of two people running up the steps as he pulled out his mobile. There was soon banging on the door as he found the contact he was looking for…Ghastly.

"Hello?" answered the elder, obviously tired.

Skulduggery flinched as the banging got wilder and quickly spat, "My house, now. Help. Two...drunks."

Before Ghastly could reply, he clamped the mobile shut, and stayed in position in front of the door.

Ghastly pulled up in front of Skulduggery's house with Erskine at his side and they looked at each other nervously before stepping out.

"Drunk people?" Erskine asked, looking over to Ghastly as they jogged to the front door.

"That's what he said," Ghastly replied reaching the front door.

Instead of knocking they both barged in and saw nothing. They hurried up the steps to find Skulduggery, but instead they came upon something quite disturbing.

Erskine wolf whistled and whispered, "Damn."

Ghastly followed his gaze to see Tanith and Valkyrie banging on the door…in only their bra and underwear.

"My Lord! Tanith, come here!" Ghastly called, gasping slightly.

He rushed over to his girlfriend and took of his jacket, sliding it around her shoulders.

He pulled her to him earning a Cheshire grin from her, and he only rolled his eyes and escorted her downstairs.

"Erskine! Help!" Skulduggery shouted from behind the door.

He heard shuffling and bangs before the noise stopped, and he figured it was time to get out.

He opened the door cautiously and glanced down to see Valkyrie passed out on the floor, Erskine putting his hands up in innocence behind her. Skulduggery put a hand to his skull and scooped the passed out Valkyrie up into his arms taking her downstairs.

This was going to be quite the story when she woke up…

A/N: Lol, hope you liked it!

Review please!