Fate/Stay Night, Fate EXTRA, Fate Extella, Fate Hollow Ataraxia, Fate Grand Order, Fate Zero, Fate Kaleid Prisma Illya, Fate Apocrypha, Fate Prototype, Fate: Today's Menu for the Emiya Family, Fate Requiem, Fate Strange/Fake, Fate School Life, Fate Unlimited Codes, Fate Capsule Servant, Fate: Lord El-Melloi II Case Files and Fate Type/Redline are the creations and intellectual properties of Type-Moon and Nasu Kinoko.

All other franchises and characters mentioned are the intellectual properties of their respective copyright and trademark holders.

Servants who Never Should be Summoned.

Assassin.

He chuckled perversely. "Ah, so I live again! Perfect, perfect. I'm Servant Assassin, the man able to avoid any detection. For there is no greater power than that of-"

The old, decrepit, senile magus stared down at his summoning circle. "Ahhhhh, it failed after all. But I really thought it would work...!"

"No, no, I'm right here!" his Servant said. "It's just you can't see me, because I am-"

He threw his wrinkled, bony hands around, desperately. "My one chance to reach the Root, squandered! All these years of studies, wasted! Why to live, indeed...!"

"PAY ATTENTION!" Assassin yelled at him. "Your summon worked perfectly, fool! I will win this Grail War without nobody being the wiser!"

The old man began to sob to himself. "They'll laugh at me at the academy! There were right, weren't they? Their mockery will chase me to my grave!"

"I'M TELLING YOU I'M RIGHT HERE!" the Servant screamed into his ear. "My name is Hawley Griffin! Are you fucking deaf, damn you?!"

"I can hear them clearly already, calling me a damned deaf fool...!" the Master lamented.

"Oh, for the love of-!"

It took Assassin two full days to get the also extremely myopic man to read a note he'd written for him and make him realize he actually had summoned him after all. Then it only took him a single day to get himself raped and killed by Mr. Hyde again, because some things never change.

The old magus, unaware he didn't have a Servant anymore, still defeated the rest of the Servants on his own and claimed the Grail thanks to assorted hilarious Mr. Magoo-esque hijinks.

The Grail never got to cash on his wish and flood the world in darkness, however, since he just kept wishing things on his teapot instead to the day of his death.

Sinister.

Lancer.

He fancies himself the leader of the six, or seven (eight?) when Brock and his little pal are in a good enough mood. Generally, he is correct, inasmuch as anyone can ever lead over this ragtag bunch of deadly misfits without a few Command Seals to hold their leashes with.

He also fancies himself a scientific genius of evil, and as such, he has a mutual relation of despise and prudent respect for Moriarty.

He also has plans for, should the chance ever arise, switch bodies with the Master, just in case. After all, he could make for a Superior Fujimaru Ritsuka, in his never unafirly humble opinion.

In the meanwhile, the man with the four arms counting for his spears just waits and bids his time.

Archer.

He is not the original Goblin, that one would never associate with the likes of him (also, that one is a Rider, and prefers to hatch his own dubious schemes on his own, in another wing of the building). He is not even the original of this particular incarnation of the Goblin, and in truth, in life he always was a fair bit of a loser, a second stringer stealing from others and making their reputations worse.

Yet as much as the likes of Shuten and Ibaraki will always make fun of this misshapen monstrosity with throwing pumpkins and metal bats as his only claim for his Class, nobody will ever get too close.

For his are the eyes of a devil.

Rider.

Can one truly count as a Rider when one only 'rides' the set of mechanical wings one created? He doesn't think so, himself. He would rather be known as a Caster, for it was his genius that brought him to infamy, not the wings themselves. The wings always were just the tools for the means, or so he tells himself.

Nobody pays him much attention, when he goes on these rants about the stupidity of the system. After all, he's only a cranky old man.

Saber.

The hunter carries a machete on him. He finds it funny, of sorts, since he even used a spear more often that it, yet being a Saber or Lancer makes no difference to him. He supposes he would like it better to be an Assassin, since in his opinion that matches the sport of a hunter better, yet there's a nobility about the title of Saber that he finds comforting.

He has great respect for the last Princess of the Empire, yet little for everyone else. Someday, he swears, he will have the head of the Jaguar God mounted and stuffed, as soon as he finds a way to make it stop looking so goofy over a chimney.

His greatest claim to fame, however, was his suicide, so Ritsuka has a hard time stopping him from killing himself towards the end of every campaign.

Assassin.

He supposes he can be stealthy enough, when he tries, as sand tends to be that way when slipping around under your feet.

Yet he doesn't fancies himself that awful a guy, and there's some nastiness about the Assassin title that rubs him the wrong way.

Moreso than his own bodycount should have done, long ago.

Caster.

Unlike his partners, he adores the title. Taking theatrical pride on it with the gusto of a Shakespeare, Dumas or De Rais, he is often seen with them, or at least one of his holograms is.

In truth, it's hard to even say for sure when he's actually left for a campaign or not. All too often, the Caster on the battlefield will turn out a robot dupe and then Ritsuka will have to improvise something. Other times, the robot is actually more useful than Caster himself would have been.

Actually, he spends most of his time holed up in his workshop and creating a Servant of his own, from research left behind by the Master with no Name and some really old film reels.

Berserker.

"We will eat your brains! And protect the innocent!"

Yes. There is not that much to discuss here.

Caster.

"Something's wrong," Kintoki observed, squinting behind his sunglasses as the light of the summon died down slowly. "It's way too small!"

Shuten, Ibaraki, Jack, Nursery Rhyme, Kid Gil, Alex and the Prisma trio just stared angrily at him, which completely flew over his head. Everyone else was too busy gasping at the newly revealed Servant striding confidently, yet with a somewhat tired gait to their step, towards them.

Medusa was the first to express her discomfort with a deep grimace, but almost everybody shared a feeling of revulsion. In the Rider's case, however, it was accentuated by how much this new Servant looked like a female Matou Zouken with long white hair. However, who was she supposed to be, Medusa could not say, but her ignorance on this subject did not last long, as soon Anastasia was supplying the answer with a half choking, disbelieving, "You! It couldn't possibly be you! And yet, from my people's tradition, your presence is unmistakable...!"

The hideous little Servant glanced disdainously at her, then nodded and spoke with a heavily accented tone. "Da. I'm Baba Yaga, Servant Caster. Which one of you younglings would call themselves my Master?"

"That..." Ritsuka began to say. "That would be me..."

Their eyes met, and he stepped ahead, towards her, seemingly mesmerized. "You..." he said, "You are so unlike every other female Servant I've ever met..."

"Yes, you can say that again!" Drake chuckled, nodding in amusement. "We'd never had someone this-"

"- fascinating," Ritsuka breathed reverently, and knelt down to kiss Baba Yaga's haughtily offered, wrinkled hand.

Every other female Servant present shrieked in horror.

That day, Master's type was finally found out by all.

Only Mephistopheles found it to be terribly sweet, out of everyone.

Archer.

The Insult that Made a Man Out of 'Gudao'.

"Hey!" Ritsuka gasped as he and Mash were in the beach during the latest Summer Event. "Quit kicking that sand in our face!"

Kirchtaria smiled as Caenis held Ritsuka up and rattled him around. "Listen, Gudao... I'd make my Servant smash your face... Only you're so weak, you might dry up and blow away!" Then, as they walked away, "See you later, Shielder..."

Ritsuka fumed. "The big bully! I'll get even some day!"

"Oh, don't let it bother you, Sempai!" Mash said, looking away.

"Darn it!" Ritsuka said back at home, randomly holding an open magazine and kicking a lamp down. "Darn it! I'm sick and tired of being a scarecrow! Of course, even if I were all jacked up, I couldn't fight a Servant anyway, but Atlas says he can give me REAL muscle power anyway! All right! I'll gamble a 10x summon and get his Archer 5 Star!"

"Boy!" Ritsuka gushed the next day, as he saw Atlas flexing before his mirror in his Speedo. "It didn't take long for the summon to do this for me! Look at THOSE bulging muscles now!"

And so, taking Archer to the beach, he made him punch Caenis out while boasting, "You again?! WHAM! Now it's YOUR turn to dry up and blow away!"

"What an unfortunate twist of events," Kirchtaria coolly pondered.

"Oh, Sempai!" Mash clapped. "You ARE a real man after all!"

MASTER OF THE BEACH.

YES! Let me prove you I can turn you into a real man, or woman if you chose Gudako! Or a corpse, most likely, but like anyone'd miss a weakling like you, right? No risks, no gains, players!

I'm Atlas, the guy holding the motherfucking sky up! So you know I'm fucking strong! And now, through this unique limited promotion, I can serve you as your own private, magically empowered machine of warfare and destruction! Heracles was just very lucky that one time! Are you fed up with all Crypters, Alien Gods, Beasts of Mankind, and laughing guys in golden armor in your everyday life? I can share my incredible power with you, at the meager price of your full mana reserves and all the tickets you can provide!

My Archer form will provide you with power beyond your wildest dreams, FAST! Don't waste your time and money with Merlins, Karnas, Ozymandiases, Siegfrieds or BBs! All those inferior Servants are flaky and unreliable, and several of them will literally suck you dry!

Don't delay! Become a leading Master of your own Fate, and eventually you'll even get your own incomplete animated adaptation! What are you, a filthy and spineless coward? Are you going to let Waver Velvet be more courageous than you? Roll me right now, you idiot!

Legal Warning: Atlas the Titan is not a legally sanctioned trainer and so won't bother training you, but if you want that so much he won't oppose if you decide going training with Scathach or something.

We will not be legally responsible for massive mana deprivation, the sky falling on your head, or getting Black Keys from the completion of this contract.

"By the way..." Ritsuka asked. "Why are you an Archer Class anyway?"

Atlas grinned and flexed his massive muscular arms. "Man! Just check these GUNS!"

Berserker.

The woman with long black hair who had just appeared before Ritsuka sneered. She was wearing short shorts, worn down boots, and a small, tight black top. She also had an intricate tribal design tattooed all over her upper right arm.

"How do you, punk," she lazily waved at him. "My name's Revy and, huh, I think I am a 'Servant'... of the Berserker class... What the shit," she paused, an eyebrow jerking. She pulled two handguns out of the holsters at her hips and began shooting around maniacally, forcing Ritsuka to duck for cover. "THE HELL I'M A FUCKIN' BERSERKER?! AM I SOME KINDA LUNATIC NOW OR WHAT?! I SHOULD BE A MOTHERFUCKING ARCHER! HELL, I'D TAKE EVEN ASSASSIN! BERSERKER?! BRING ME THE SHITTY ASSHOLE WHO THOUGHT I SHOULD BE A STINKING BERSERKER, I'M NOT MAD BUT IN PERFECT CONTROL OF MYSELF...!"

She ended up rooming with Nobunaga. Nothing good turned out of it.

Caster.

The old man with long, wavy, white hair and beard placed a hand on his chest, speaking with great elegance and dignity. "I am Lisa Gherardini del Giocondo, Caster," he introduced himself. "For the powers granted to me by taking over this Saint Graph, I am a master of arts, crafts and science. By the legacy of my legend, I am also an expert on the means to spirit material goods away without ever being found, my stealth to rival that of an Assassin. I also have money. Lots and lots of money."

Standing by Ritsuka, Leonardo stared on, clearly unamused. "Seriously?"

The old man smiled graciously at her. "Turnaround, Maestro, is the most fair of games."

"... you took on that old, decrepit Graph just for the chance to spite me...?"

"Gracious goodness, no, Signore, I always had nothing but admiration for you. Actually, it was to spite Maese Salai, he really wanted to take control of it..."

A lookalike of John the Baptist then appeared on the summon circle behind her. "Joke's on you, Mona Lisa! I got a much better Graph, from that masterpiece I once posed for! This is truly a peerless young body with no drawbacks whatso-"

Salome peeked in abruptly, eyes shining impossibly and licking all over her lips. "Jocchan...!"

Ruler.

"Ach," the newly arrived Heroic Spirit said, slowly walking towards the gathered Servants. "I'm Ruler, and I have been approached by Herr Da Vinci to assist a few of you with, let us say, a few behavioral hangups you might have, for your better performance at the battlefield. Now, I have no doubt most of you will argue there is nothing wrong with your psychological makeup, but as a most impartial observer qualified for the Ruler class, I shall be the judge on that, ja? Now, to begin with our assesment of your situation, I want you to tell me..."

The old, finely suited gentleman took a last puff of his large, thick cigar, and then held it up for the crowds of Chaldea to see clearly.

"Exactly what do you see here, hmmmm?"

Archer.

Beast VII smiled, or made something like a smile, at the last Servant standing. She could allow for it, she had triumphed after all, of which there never had been any doubt.

"And who are you, to stand before me when all others have fallen? An Archer, is that right? What is the manner of your bow? I will allow you to make an attempt before obliterating you."

"I don't shoot with bow or gun," the man said, grimly undoing the lower half of his robes and pulling something out. Beast VII made a sound as this something was aimed to her face, and a vigorous motion was initiated. "For my name is ONAN...!"

The sound became a girlish shriek of defeat as this thing shot forward.

In hindsight, it had been a bad choice for the Beast, that of selecting a virginal, innocent young lady as a host body.

Harem Protagonist Grail War.

Lancer.

"I'm sorry, I really am," the pigtailed boy advancing onto Ayaka with the long polearm sighed. "I really don't like hitting chicks at all, but my Master told me there couldn't be any witnesses, and... I have to obey, right? Martial artist honor and all that. But, if it makes you feel any better..."

Ayaka gulped. "We'll agree that I couldn't possibly count as a witness since I didn't see anything at all?"

"Sorry, no," he said, pulling a bucket of water out of somewhere and splashing it down on his head, quickly turning into a red haired, female version of himself. "But I'll do it as a chick myself, so you don't feel that bad! I hit softer like this, too! Hey, where are you going?! Wait, I promised I wouldn't hit too hard!"

For Ayaka had turned away and began running.

Saber.

The really handsome black haired boy who had just risen from the circle smiled at Ayaka. "Don't worry, everything will be fine," he promised. "My name's Saber, can you stand?"

After another moment of just staring up at him adoringly, Ayaka forced herself to nod. "Ah-hah... I think...!"

He took her by a hand, gently helping her up. "Well, that's a relief. Now, let me take care of this... like this!" he said as Lancer broke into the shed, lashing out at him with a sweeping kick.

Saber's right wrist flickered, and from his sleeve sprang a wooden sword handle, a set of small glowing gems embedded into it. He moved the hilt around to block Lancer's kick, and then a beam of light jumped from it, forming a long luminous blade and shooting Lancer- who had just made a curious horn gesture with his fingers as he flew away- back out onto Ayaka's backyard, where he crashed down with a small explosion, legs twitching as they protuded from the ground.

Archer.

Tohsaka Rin sighed. "So, Saber, then. Well, congratulations, Sajyou," she said dryly, folding her arms. "I will accept you beat me to it."

Ayaka blinked. "But... I wasn't trying to beat you to anything...!"

"Don't say it like that, it only makes me feel even worse!" Tohsaka protested. "It doesn't matter! Saber or not, Archer and I will still beat you! Right, Archer!"

"Right, Rin," the tanned, white haired man wearing red and black deadpanned. "You know me. Good ol' reliable Archer, same as ever, same as ever..."

Saber blinked, then asked Rin, "What's wrong with him?"

Rin shrugged. "I've learned it's better never trying to figure anything about him out."

Berserker.

Illya grinned as she pointed forward. "So go ahead, Berserker! Kill my sister and her dumb looking Servant, NOW!"

Ayaka blinked at the cute red haired boy. "He... He's going to kill us, really? Um, Illya-chan, I'm not sure what gave you this idea, but-"

And then the adorable looking little boy rattled and screamed horribly, and his hair grew long, rather long and spiky, crackling all over with lightning, and Saber took a flash step before Ayaka, pulling his light saber out. The tiny Berserker growled like a mad animal, tongue lolling out savagely, and he flew forward, striking maniacally at Saber.

"Ah ha ha ha, you can't win!" Illya boasted. "Berserker has Mad Enhancement, British hooligan rage, AND teacher's pent up frustration all in a single package! None can stand against so much fury combined!"

"Crap, if she's saying the truth, then we really are doomed, Saber!" Ayaka gasped. "Teachers are my weak point, too!"

"Don't worry, I was homeschooled for years! I've got this covered!" Saber gasped, right before the howling Berserker kicked him in the face.

Rider.

"Shinji-san's right, I'm afraid, Saber-san," humbly said the short, black haired, unremarkable young fellow with the thick eyebrows. "On my own, I'm a joke of a Servant. And I'd never stand a chance against you, either. But..." she sighed, giving another step forwards, "I'd like to think that I stand a chance, thanks to the proof of love she left for me."

Ayaka blinked. "She?" she repeated. "Who are you talking about?"

Rider moved a hand, and a broom, of all things, appeared in his hand. "I once loved a goddess, and this goddess loved me back. When we were together, there never was anything I couldn't do, feeble and weak as I was. The same still holds true, as long as I cling to this. Her ride, and now mine."

He got onto the broom, and then flew ahead like a living missile, violently running Saber over and dropping him to the dirt as Shinji cheered. "Belldandy! We WILL meet again, I swear!"

Assassin.

"Man, you've got a cute girlfriend," the black haired boy with the ahoge wearing a high school uniform sighed.

"I'm not his girlfriend!" Ayaka protested.

"She's not my girlfriend!" Saber added.

Assassin rolled his eyes back as a strange SHAFT stock sound effect rang in the background. "Oh man, and you're the most stereotypical couple too, aren't you? Dopes. If only you knew..."

"If only we knew what?" asked Ayaka, frowning.

Assassin gave a small sad smile, kicking around in place and hopping lightly with his hands in his pockets. "I once had a girlfriend, even prettier than you, and certainly even more Tsundere, and when I think of all the time we used to waste with all that crap you're doing now, it kinda sickens me, you know? That's why I've got to do this. Sorry, but I can't let you pass. The witch wouldn't like it."

"Caster is... a witch?" Saber asked. That wasn't completely unreasonable, of course, but it would be somewhat strange at this point since every other Servant in this war had been male. At least half the time in Lancer's case.

Assassin tilted his head back and laughed. "No, Caster's a guy! The witch is his girlfriend! An old cranky lady with a kendo sword..."

"And... short hair?" Ayaka gulped, edging further behind Saber.

Assassin blinked, stopping his playful hopping. "Yeah, short brown hair! Ah, so you know her?"

Ayaka began sobbing softly to herself.

Assassin shrugged. "Ah, well, that's life," he mused out loud before his eyes turned demonic, his fangs grew much longer and sharper in a split second, and then he leaped elastically on Saber.

Caster.

"Fujimura-sensei!" Ayaka gasped. "I can't believe it! What would you do something like this?!"

"Dammit, Sajyou-kun, isn't it obvious?!" Taiga wailed, waving her sword around. "The biological clock is ticking, and once this golden chance dropped by, I couldn't let it go! I mean, God Himself literally sent him to me!"

Saber looked at Caster. "Is that last part true?"

The other black haired boy, the one with Taiga, nodded. "I'm good friends with God, actually."

Saber frowned. "There is no God. Only three goddesses ruling over all creation, I should know!"

"No, God is a guy and I've met him personally," Caster insisted, drawing his smartphone out.

Ayaka gulped as all three of them stood their respective grounds. "Um, Saber, remember I told you teachers were my weakness? And Fujimura-sensei is the most teacher of them all...!"

Taiga roared, charging at her. "I'M SO SORRY, SAJYOU-KUUUUUN!"

"NOT IN THE FACE!"

Saber Ending.

"I'm sorry," he smiled. "But I've got to leave anyway."

"But... why?!" Ayaka despaired. "We destroyed the Grail, I can supply you with all the mana you may ever need, and the creepy perverted nun is dead now...!"

"I know, Ayaka-chan, but-"

"TEEENNNNNCHIIIIII!" a voice loudly called from the light.

Saber sighed. "When I spoke about knowing the three goddesses who created the universe? Well, that was only half of it, really..."

Ayaka frowned and punted him into the light.

Rider Ending.

Sakura, Ayaka and Rider rested very still in the same bed, all staring very quietly at the ceiling.

Finally, Rider made a small distant smile. "You know, this reminds me of the time Urd and Peorth got into that potion making contest..."

Rin Ending.

"Oh, yes, Emiya-kun, from the school, right?" Toshaka said, puffing on her cigarette. "Yeah, I remember now, how's life treating you? You look so tanned, you're almost unrecognizable..."

He shrugged. "I've been... traveling through the world of late. So, I heard you married Sajyou from Class 2-1?"

"Yeah, well, it didn't quite work out in the end. Some advice, Emiya, if you ever marry, never pick China for your honeymoon. We listened to this pigtailed asshole on the subject, and we've both regretted it ever since..."

Then a car speeding by splashed her.

His Chocolate Soul, Part One.

"Out of all the threats to the Master's life," Saber, Masaki Tenchi, said in an extremely serious voice, "this has to be the most dire he will ever face."

"Okay, I'm not gonna argue that," Lancer, Saotome Ranma, replied, with his staff slung over his shoulders. Apparently the Throne of Heroes had slotted him as Lancer only because he sometimes used polearms and he had E ranked Luck. "But, don't you think first we should worry about the dire threats to our own lives? I mean, Valentine is coming for everyone, in the event you hadn't noticed!"

"Now, Ranma-san," Caster Negi Springfield said amiably, "we should think of the Master first and foremost. He's the lynchpin of our community, not to mention our project to save the Human Order..."

"Ggrrrwwwlllll..." Berserker Negi Springfield growled, a barely restrained beast of long, hirsute hair and glowing eyes, sitting by his far more human and agreeable earlier self.

"That's so easy for you to say!" Ranma snapped. "Only a few of YOUR summoned suitors turned out Berserkers! ALL of mine were!"

"If the Master is stabbed by a Yandere we ALL are going to go down with him, you idiot," Archer EMIYA muttered, sitting along the other members of the unofficial Chaldea Harem Protagonist club around the table of the Negis' room. They usually hung there because Negi had the best tea and Caster, at least, bothered to keep the room always tidy. "So listen, the goal is prioritizing his life over ours for the duration of the day. Some of us will be lost along the way, no doubt. Lily, most likely. But if we succeed, some at least will stand a survival chance. And the others will always be remembered. Well, unless it's Lily."

"When will you finally let go of that already?!" Young Archer Emiya Lily protested, throwing his hands up angrily.

Saber Muramasa frowned. "Even if he does, I'll never do. Thanks to your appearance, I am damned to spend my time at these insipid gatherings to hide from bothersome women, while I could be working instead..."

"Well, not my fault if you got yourself into that body!" Emiya Lily told him. "It's not like I ever invited you!"

"It wasn't my choice either!" Muramasa pointed out.

"I'm here only for the snacks," EMIYA Alter grumbled, rummaging through Caster Negi's box of biscuits again. "I don't even remember what being chased around by women was anymore, thank the Root..."

"Okay, how about this, then," Saber Konoe Touta offered. "We ask Moriarty and Edison to build a space rocket for the Master, we stick him there, we shoot him to the Moon for the whole of Valentine's, and then we call the rocket back once it's over...?"

Caster Negi sighed. "We hardly could summon the rocket back after being killed by the girls, Touta-kun."

Touta scratched the back of his own neck. "Ah, that's right, I guess. Sorry then, Grandpa."

"Don't call me Grandpa."

EMIYA grumbled. "Okay, anyone else with any ideas NOT involving rockets? Blue Caster?"

Seno Natsuru shook his head. Well, technically it was her head at the time.

"Rider?"

Archie Andrews shook his head. "Nope, sorry, Sir!"

"Dense Rider?"

"We're going to have to think of a better codename for me..." Orimura Ichika began.

"If it fits, it fits," EMIYA said unsympathetically. "I assume that means a 'No' as usual. Dog Saber?"

Hiraga Saito scowled. "Who came with those insulting names in the first place? It was you, right? Why can't you just call us 'Saito', 'Young Me' and 'Dense Ichika'?"

"Yeah," Ichika nodded, "that would be much bett- wait, what?!"

Ignoring them altogether, EMIYA moved on. "Galge Caster?"

Taking only a moment off his portable game, Katsuragi Keima elegantly pushed the shiny glasses up his bishounen face. "I'm sorry, but the Player has to clear all the events himself, not skipping any routes. That is the way it must be done to reach proper completion... in games."

"Don't talk as if this were a dumb game to waste your life away in!" Touta said. "This is real life!"

"Berserker?" EMIYA turned to Itou Makoto, whose only flimsy claim to the class was mindlessly ramming into women with groin-induced Mad Enhancements at the slightest openings, which was why all the others kept an eye on him at all times.

Makoto scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Uuhhhhhhh..."

"Take your time, Berserker," EMIYA icily said. "I'm sure you'll come up with a doozy. Black Saber?"

"I think I do, actually," Kirigaya Kazuto grinned. "All we've gotta do is rounding a few of the shape shifting Servants up and convincing them to pose as Master while we keep him hidden! Heck, I think we have like five different Assassin Clayfaces, or at least the Batmen are always complaining about that..."

"Won't work, Kirito," EMIYA took a finger to his own nose. "Tamamo and Atalanta, remember? Doormat Rider?"

"Maybe," Morisato Keiichi tried to reason, "if we just sit everyone down and try to stress the importance of civilian behavior and comraderie over competition just for one day, since we all are siblings in arms and all, we could spare ourselves the headache of running damage control all day long..."

The other men and Natsuru only stared at him in muted shock.

Keiichi frowned, then sighed, waving a hand. "Nevermind. Carry on."

"Uhhhhhh!" Makoto said, slapping a fist on a palm as if struck by inspiration. "No, no, that won't work either, they'll stab him anyway..."

"You're almost there, Berserker," EMIYA deadpanned. "Scum of the Earth Caster?"

Minase Taki took his turn. "I was thinking, with the Bible Black, I could make everyone think Valentine has already passed. Since nobody will admit they don't remember the day before, which would equal losing by default, then-"

"It'd break havoc on the logs, and Magic Resistance strongholds like Artoria and Kagurazaka would not be fooled, but that's the best pathetic attempt at an idea we've had so far," EMIYA nodded. "Marginally Less Perverted Berserker?"

"Why do we have to keep cockblocking the poor guy's way to happiness with a glorious harem of his own?!" Hyuudou Issei heatedly protested. "Are you all but Itou castrated, or what?! We should be spending this time discussing what to do about our own-"

"They summoned the wrong guy named Issei!" EMIYA summed up, angrily moving on to the next item in his list. "Smartphone Caster?"

Mochizuki Toya frowned, still struggling with his phone. "Just wait a minute, I'm sure I'm just about to reach connection with Kami-sama this time. He'll know what to do..."

"For the last time, Caster, He isn't going to answer you as long as we're stuck here with history burning around us!" EMIYA facepalmed. "You can't go through your whole life relying on God to do everything for you!"

"He doesn't do everything for me, he just supplies me with all the means to do things myself!"

"Same difference!"

"And what about YOU, huh?! For all you rant at us and put our ideas down, what are YOUR brilliant ideas then, Smart Guy?!"

"I have none," EMIYA confessed, his face still the same. "Because there's no solution whatsoever. It's clear we're all screwed. Just thought I'd give you one last chance to vent out and make your opinions and thoughts known, so you know that, despite everything, I still care about you guys."

Everybody else around the table but EMIYA Alter facefaulted.

Alter just sneered at the now empty box of biscuits. "Hey, Midget Caster. Bring more of these, will you?"

His Chocolate Soul, Part Two.

"Let me see," Caster Joker stretched his grin from cheek to cheek, while Assassin Joker stood behind him paying close attention, absently playing with a knife and contemplating whether sinking it into Caster's back or not. "You fear for your safety over the next few days, Master. So you come to us for safety. Now, how's that for a joke? Even you can see the humor in that, can't you, wannabe?"

"Hmmm," Assassin smacked his greasy, red smeared lips together in pensive contemplation, still mostly centered around stabbing Caster. But now he also regarded the concerned Master of Chaldea, who had fearlessly strode into their room with the same courage of someone who would wrestle Central American deities and attempt to fight Demon King Goetia on his own. Courage, or stupidity. Take your pick. "I, I don't know, really, what's the punchline supposed to be?" he breathily said, staring at Fujimaru Ritsuka with his feverish injected eyes. "I can see the setup easily, but I'm afraid... the final delivery escapes me yet... Is it that we help him after all? That, that's the only thing that comes to my mind, but-"

"Of course not, silly..." Caster chuckled, sliding a long arm around Ritsuka's shoulders and holding him close, much to Ritsuka's discomfort. He bopped a fist on the Master's chest and told his messier looking counterpart, "Why would that be a joke? We love and respect our dear Master in our own unique way, don't we? After all, without him, we won't get to spend any more funny days bedeviling a cornucopia of Bat-eared dark cherubims around, and that's just plain bad business! The punchline, naturally, is up to him to explain. Tell us, Master, out of all the Joker Juice joints in all the wings in all that remains of the world, why did you walk into ours? The answer, surely, is gonna be a conker..."

Ritsuka rasped. "To be fair," he explained, "this is exactly the last place where anyone would think to look for me."

"Exactly, and they know it too!" Assassin nodded. "Which is precisely why, well, they'll come knocking here first. I know they're all a bunch of idiots, Master, but I still believe you're underselling them a bit too much..."

"Yeah, yeah, even a grungy, knock off second rate mind-broken clock is right twice a day," Caster nodded, patting on Ritsuka's shoulder, "and this has just been Assassin's time of the day. Keep that knife away, Assassin, you know it won't work this time either!" Caster let out a vague, throaty Hammill-esque chuckle and ran a gloved hand through Ritsuka's hair. "Which is why we must keep all day long on the move, away from our idyllic Ha-Ha Hacienda, so they never know where to find us. Basic hit and run strategy, Master. Trust us, well, me at least, the only way we could confuse those guys and gals more would be if we chopped you up to pieces and hid you all over Chaldea!"

Ritsuka shivered intensely.

"You should," Assassin told him matter of factly, "have tried your luck with the Bats instead."

"Don't be stupid, you know the Bat falls apart as soon as he has to deal with women, they've got his number pat down," Caster rolled his eyes around. "Master did the right decision as always, well, except that time he summoned you, but no one's perfect but moi..."

"It's not that I need to be hiding all day long," Ritsuka said. "After all, if I do that, I'll only frustrate them, and other than that being rude on them, they'll also start tearing the whole place apart... including your own room, I might add-"

"Lair, call it lair," Caster said.

"Hideout," Assassin said.

"Headquarters..."

"Funhouse!"

"Oooohh, yes, yes, Funhouse, I like that one...!"

"- and, all I'm asking for is minimizing random encounters without avoiding them altogether," Ritsuka patiently continued, trying to break past their Mental Pollution. "If anyone here's a master on randomness, of course, that's the two of you."

"Oh, you flatterer," Caster said.

"Keep that up, and Caster's going to fall in love with you too," Assassin guffawed, waving the knife lazily in their direction.

"Oh, you know there's only one for me, and that's- Shhhh," he pressed a hand around Ritsuka's mouth and pulling him even closer, so much that Ritsuka briefly thought he'd suffocate. "That's her," he whispered. "Well, that's not him, but that's definitely her."

Ritsuka could hear playful, lithe steps circling around the room's closed door, and the slight ringing of tiny bells, Since he knew Kagurazaka Asuna and Jeanne Alter Santa Lily would never approach this room willingly, that only meant that should be-

Assassin Joker perked up, paying attention and raising a messy eyebrow, taking a moment to lick on the edge of his knife. Caster simply ground his yellowed teeth, as numerous as piano keys, between the confines of a mouth that, unlike Assassin's, was not fixed in an eternal scarred grin. Eventually, however, the steps and the bells faded away down the hall, along the faint echo of a girlish giggle, and Caster breathed out easier. "As you can see, it's not like we have it much easier," he told Ritsuka, letting go of him and watching him gasp for air. "Especially I, since she favors me. Her tastes in men are excellent, I won't deny that, but everything else about her can be so, so...!"

"Smothering," Assassin offered.

Caster nodded. "Restraining."

"A person without the most minimal empathy for another's needs..."

"Never respectful of one's private space..."

"Honestly, crazy girl should be just locked up."

"I know, right? This place will take just anyone in nowadays!" Caster finally turned back to Ritsuka and patted his arm vigorously. "But that's hardly any fault of yours, Master, so leave everything up to I and I! If you are safe around me, then you'll be safe anywhere! And that's the safest of all bets, ha ha ha ha ha..."

It probably says a lot about Chaldea that, somehow, this indeed still was the safest bet Ritsuka had to survive the next day, a conclusion he had reached at the end of long and careful tormented pondering.

To be Continued?