I don't own any of this, you know.

Servants who Never Should be Summoned.

Chapter Four.

Assassin.

"You faked your death rather well. My congratulations," Kotomine Kirei felt like he had to say it, since it had been, indeed, a very nicely presented false demise. Even if he deeply disliked the Servant Fate had sent his way, against all expectations of what an Assassin should have been, he could not deny the... creature did an outstanding job at what he was good at.

"I always have been great at setting deaths, although never false ones unless they're mine..." his Assassin chuckled perfidly. The thought the Grail might have considered such a being compatible with him was what troubled Kirei the most. Even Tohsaka's Archer seemed to deeply dislike the Assassin, going far beyond the mere contempt he had for everyone else. You could literally feel the dark misery and depravity oozing out of Assassin in each word and movement he took.

"I have a question, however, that has been puzzling me since your summon," Kirei confessed. "Why did you answer the summon done through the Assassin's mask? What is your relation to the Guild?"

"Oh, they dreamed too," Assassin said, savoring the words and the implicit menace in them. "You, the other Masters, everyone does. And dark as their lives were, they obviously had nightmares! Caster's Master had them too. A very interesting guy! It almost felt like a waste. Almost. Maybe," Assassin pondered, rubbing his chin of decaying raw meat, "at another time, we could- Oh, but I'm sure I'm far better with you, and you're far better with me!" he laughed like a true devil, his eyes meeting Kirei's soul and making him feel digust at both of them. He still steeled his courage to act normally, although he had the impression his pretenses couldn't fool his Servant.

"Yes, you did an outstanding performance getting rid of that wildcard Master. At this rate, we'll have won the War in no time."

"Or rather, we'll have won it for the stuffy guy, hmmmm? Are you sure you really want that?"

"Tohsaka," Kirei said, "is a man of his word. And so am I. Neither will twist his word to betray the other."

Assassin sneered poisonously for a moment, and Kirei was reassured once again that vile creature would betray him before the last day of the War could end. Or he would try, at least. He had to save his Command Seals for then, since Assassin seemed to be virtually undestructible otherwise.

As much as evil itself, or the nightmares that lurk in the hearts of men. And he couldn't be stopped by the other Servants once he located a Master and went after them. When he took the war to his favored battlefield, it became nothing but a massacre against his targets. Knowing this, he would savor their suffering, relish on their demises.

The worst part of it was not that Kirei could see all of that through their link.

The worst part by far was he found himself liking it.

He had to stop thinking about that. He had to.

"So, what's your next step?" Assassin asked, making clear from his tone he didn't necessarily consider such step the same as his own.

Kirei thought it over in silence.

"I would like," he admitted, "to understand Kiritsugu Emiya..."

"Oh, that can be arranged, yeah," the foul creature chuckled grisly, the hat barely obscuring the top of his hideously scarred visage. Although his appearance, with the colorful striped clothes combined the ridiculously over the top and bizarre with the unspeakable horrors, there was no way of mistaking how he was pure, sadistic evil barely restrained for now by the curiosity about the bloody procedures of the War. "After all," he added, flewing his hands and the long, sharp metal blades attached to them, "I'd kill to achieve a good friend's dreams!"

Caster.

"I see..." Caster was rubbing his chin now, as Hakuno looked just about to sink down into hopelessness. This 'Servant' of hers didn't seem to have any kind of special powers or weapons, and she was fairly sure he'd fall off and be really hurt if she casually pushed him over. And so far, he had done little but wandering around, playing his portable game console and listening to any and all information anyone could provide. The fact everyone tended to overlook them because of how meaningless and weak they seemed in the big scheme of things apparently had been the only thing keeping them alive so far.

It actually had more to do with her Servant's unusually high but very high to notice for real rank of Charisma, but as it has just been said, it was nearly impossible to realize that.

Caster smiled. "This... This is actually far better than being alive! I'm now in a real Galge! A very strange one, and with all those murderous men tossed in as well... But that's okay, the more challenging they are, the better!"

Hakuno blinked. "Ah...?"

His smile turned downright condescending. "I already can see the ending! Don't worry, and let's just go find the easiest girl to talk to first. That's the way you always should start with... In games!"

Hakuno rushed after him. "Ah! What in the world are you saying!"

And so, eventually, Caster, Hakuno, Kiara, Taiga, Nero, Alice, Nursery Rhyme, Francis Drake, Arcueid, Shiki, Jinrako, Sakura and her copies, Mc Donald's-chan, Rin, Rani and Elizabeth Bathory ended up defeating the Moon Cell and achieving the 1000% Completion Ending.

Elsewhere, Tamamo-No-Moe sat swinging her legs and sighed. "This place is soooo boring...!"

Berserker.

The Mad Enhancement was definitely strong in this being, Saber thought as she slashed around, trying to hit the insane Servant who spun around her far too quickly to be hit, in a way that was starting to drive her... well, nuts. Mostly because of that annoying singing voice, coming nonstop at her from all sides. Oh God, that voice...

"Everybody thinks I'm cra-ze-ee-ee! Yesiree, that's me, that's me! That's what I'm cracked up to be! I chop a hole in every tree. Knock on wood!" And he knocked on Saber's head. "Well, knock on wo-o-o-o-od! So I'm crazy, so what-what can I do? So are YOU!"

"What... What manner of unholy bird from the pit are you?-!" Saber actually bellowed, at her wits' very end.

And the Berserker cut loose with an even more maddening skull splitting laugh. "Guess who? Ha ha ha HA ha, ha ha ha HA ha, ha ha ha HA ha, hehehehehehehe!"

And he slammed his long, sharp beak several times on Saber's head.

The ensuing scream of rage split Fuyuki City in two. Somehow.

Beast.

Sajyou Manaka watched hopefully, with sparkling eyes full of twisted glee, how her new Servant rose before her, actually hovering in the air above her, looking down at her with three sets of glowing, sharp, positively demonic red eyes.

"You, " the Servant said, with a dry, harsh female voice, "Are you my Master?"

"Yes! Yes, I am!" Manaka said in full rapture.

The Servant landed on her feet, and now Manaka could see her extra eyes were disappearing, leaving only two normal, bland, bored eyes under a shadowing hood. Worse, the Servant wore a skintight black leotard under her flowing dark cape and, depressing as it was, she was much better 'gifted' than Manaka.

"It seems I'm a Servant of the Beast class. How droll. I'd have prefered being summoned as a Caster. This is your fault, you know, " she deadpanned to Manaka. Then she began floating past her, heading over to the couch and TV. "If Beast Boy ever hears about this, I'll never hear the end of it. He'll start calling me Beast Girl and get the wrong idea about us..."

Manaka blinked. "Where are you going?"

Beast plopped down on the couch, took a telekinetic hold of the remote, and began flipping channels. "Let's see, at this time, it should— Yes, " she half-smiled. "They're still showing it!"

Manaka curiously looked at the TV screen, showing a colorful and peppy episode of Pretty Pretty Pegasus.

Manaka opened her mouth to ask, but Beast cut her with a sour "Ah, I only watch this to... remind myself of the value of darkness by looking into the abominable face of its total opposite. Not like I like this tripe or anything..."

"We don't have the time for this!" Manaka protested. "We have to set out quickly to destroy the world and bring a fascinating age of endless darkness!"

"I don't do that, " Beast said, flatly, her eyes nailed on the screen. "As a matter of fact, as soon as this show is over, I think I'll go patrol the city and look for the evil Masters in this war. I'm not going to let this end in a tragedy."

Manaka saw red. "Don't try to disobey me! I can and will force you to if—" she began to say, showing her Command Seals off.

Beast waved a hand in her direction. "Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos, " she droned, and a tight metal gag held firmly by small chains covered Manaka's mouth. "I didn't follow my father on that, so don't think I'm going to follow you on it either. Now sit down and enjoy this quietly before I have to hurt you."

Manaka actually ended up liking Pretty Pretty Pegasus.

Berserker.

The golden Archer laughed thunderously as the small pink creature trotted on all fours towards him, with a bright happy smile.

"What a jest! This is what you would send after the King of Heroes? This is too good a joke to count as an insult, mongrel, but even so, as an opponent even if only in name, don't think your life will be spared..."

Kariya sighed wearily. His Servant had, so far, supplied him with sights more horrendous than anything Zouken ever could have managed to display, but still, she was his only choice, his only path left. "Berserker," he said. "Befriend him."

The pink quadrupedal creature began singing sweetly, "Smile...! Come on and smile...! Come on and smile! Smile...! My name is Berserker Pie, and I'm here to say, I'm going to make you smile, and I'll brighten up your day...! It doesn't matter now if you're sad or blue, 'cuz cheering up my friends is just what I'm here to do!"

And she jumped up with a mighty kick on the laughing Gilgamesh's face.

What followed was too terrible for me to describe it.

"These... are good, very good cupcakes," Sakura admitted softly, and the evil worms agreed. "What are they made of?"

Kariya tried his best to smile. "Dreams and hopes, Sakura-chan. Dreams and hopes."

"And human flesh!" Berserker piped in happily.

Sakura kept on chewing, very quietly. "I think... I like you..."

Berserker.

Luviagelita looked dubiously at the lumbering big man before her, with his hideous face peeking under a badly stitched together mask made of human skin. He held a just as large, extremely noisy chainsaw in his hands.

"Well.." she finally said, "You don't look like you have any special abilities, and anyone will hear you, not to mention smell you, coming from a mile away, but I guess you're still going to be able to kill that Rin bitch's Servant. I mean, if I got you, no way an inferior magus like her could get anything better, right...?"

Berserker grunted madly then and lunged ahead, but before Luvia could command him to stop, the even bigger man wearing a jacket and hockey mask who had just appeared behind her sliced her head off her neck with his machete.

Assassin.

Rin sat back and sighed. "I wonder if I did the right thing. After all, even if she was an enemy Master, and an idiot to boot, Luviagelita still was—"

She shook her head to herself. "No, I can't allow myself any doubts. It's a pity, but the ways of the Grail War must be bloody. I suppose I should just be glad I managed to summon Saber after all. But it's so strange. He moves and strikes more like an Assassin, so I wonder who is the Assassin in this—"

Then, there were tiny hands and a huge knife on her throat from behind. There was a raspy chuckle, and she barely could glimpse a small plastic face topped by red hair as she was answered with a "Playtime from Shinji, bitch."

And the knife went into her throat.

Beast.

Archer, Lancer, Saber and Ayaka tensed as never before when Manaka summoned forth her Servant, over the ruins of Fuyuki. "Ah ha ha ha!" she laughed, completely deranged now, while her Servant's gigantic shadow fell over them. "Despair before knowing Death! Suffere before being consumed by the all encompassing Beast! The world will be judged! And found unworthy!"

Beast, a towering figure who rose over the whole city, spoke in a booming voice, as impressive as his titanic size clad in purple and dark blue armor, or at least that was how Ayaka saw him. Most saw something completely different from each other when looking at Beast. "Beast Hungers! This planet shall be devoured to sate my never ending appetite! As soon as I summon my Noble Phantasm, Taa, with all the equipment necessary for the devouring, your homeworld shall be reduced to nothing but—"'

But while calling the even larger Noble Phantasm that descended from the skies, Beast curved ahead, made a strange harsh sound, and plummeted on top of Manaka, crushing her under his boundless weight and causing an earthquake across all of Japan before disappearing, scattered in the wind.

When the dust finally settled down, Ayaka, whose legs were seen sticking up from the wreckage, managed to say, "It... It seems that Servant's required prana intake was too much even for Nee-san. He consumed it all just by summoning his Noble Phantasm..."

"And that, " Lancer said sagely, "is why the Grail usually never allows humans to summon deities."

"You are sitting on my head, " Saber stated tersely.

Assassin (x2)

"Allow us to introducing ourselves. We are Servant Assassin, world's greatest no-goodniks."

Caster stared dubiously at the two (two?) figures she had just brought forth, both of whom had claimed belonging to the Assassin class. She guessed you couldn't cheat the system after all. Even if they were a pair, they seemed rather... unfit for the task.

Even so, she explained, because she was low in prana and couldn't kill them and try again just yet.

The short, pale man in black chuckled while rubbing his hands together. "Don't worry, Fearless Leader!" he reassured her, with a thick, strange accent to his voice. "Before you realize it, we'll have killed that moose and squirrel!"

"Boy and Saber, don't you mean, dollink?" the rather taller, almost as pale female in the slinky dress asked him in the same odd accent.

"Sharrup you mouth, Natasha. Boy and Saber, as I was saying, " he smiled piously at Medea.

"— very well, " Medea conceded, really not in the mood to get into a discussion about how much she doubted them.

It goes without saying it all failed miserably, although Shirou never failed to fall for their disguises, no matter how familiar he ever found their voices...

Caster.

Sakura kept darting nervous, agitated glares back and forth her decrepit, shriveled grandfather and the handsome, purple haired young Servant she had just summoned. Grandfather seemed especially displeased now. Surely that would be faulted on her, and then...

Finally, the old man rasped, taking his eyes away from those of the Servants. "Sakura. On one hand, I cannot deny you have summoned the greatest magus in history. On the other—"

The young man made a disgusted noise. "So this is what the search for absolute perfection, for the erradication of all evils, eventually leads into. What a cruel, perverse joke of fate. To live to see this—"

"Silence, you fool, " Matou Zouken commanded. "You have yet to see many things that will make you realize—"

"No doubt, those things only have tossed a veil upon your eyes, you twisted buffoon!" Caster shouted back, making Sakura flinch. "Just look at the ruin you have led our family into! Relying on a stolen child from another clan, because you allowed our bloodline to degenerate into that!" he angrily pointed at Shinji.

"Hey...!" Shinji began protesting, but the eerily identical death glares both of the other men shot his way quickly silenced him.

"Sakura!" Zouken Matou shouted. "Tell this useless Servant to kill himself, and then try again!"

"B-But you said he was the greatest magus of all—" she doubted.

"Just do it!"

"Are you sure you want me to kill myself? Have you thought how I could interpret that?" Caster asked, folding his arms and staring down at the little man.

The old man frowned, considered that, and then grumbled his defeat.

In the end, they won the Grail War simply by taking the case into courts and claiming exclusive rights on it with all the other original creators unavailable. It was then when Zouken finally learned there was a source of evil even greater and more dangerous than Angra Mainyu, when the lawyers' bills took most of his patrimony away. "That's why we didn't have them in Camelot," Saber commented when the press asked her on the subject.

Ruler.

The gigantic metallic form towering over the Red and Black factions flexed a huge, mighty fist in an imposing, threatening even, way.

"Now look here, you drugged-out magical Communist hippies!" the amplified voice came out of the tiny jar on the shoulders of the giant, which held a human head floating on clear liquid inside. "Computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973, but your average soldier is as drunk and stupid as ever. The only thing that's different is me; I've become bitter, and let's face it, crazy over the years. And now I'm in this post looking over you, the second any of you steps over the line, I'll sell your children's organs to zoos for meat, and I'll go into your people's houses at night and wreck up the place. Muahahaha!"

"Sounds reasonable enough, " Lancer of Black nodded calmly.

Ruler slammed his metal fists one against another, causing a deafening sonic boom. "Our world has been through a lot these years, but I have not forgotten what is truly important... power! And the great taste of Charleston Chew, all right. Now Ruler's back, and Ruler always wins! So remember, start getting funny ideas, and you'll make it into my list! AROOOOOOO!" he howled, rocketing up into the sky, fists first.

The assembled Masters and Servants gathered below blinked.

"Well... that was something else, indeed," Shirou mused.

"I think he's somewhat likable," Gordes opined.

After a moment, Assassin of Black nodded.

Saber of Red rolled her eyes under her helmet.

Lancer.

"You... You survived my Babylon Gate?-!" Gilgamesh's face distorted itself into a grotesque mask of fury. "But, how?-! To have a mongrel like you, a Lancer who doesn't even wield a weapon, somehow eluding a manifestation of my might...!"

"OI!" Lancer assumed an exaggeratedly manly pose that somehow crossed into camp, flexing his strong arms. "What do you mean I wield no weapons? I always have my trusty Lances with me!"

"Show them, in that case!" Gilgamesh challenged. "Let me see your true might before I annihilate you!"

"You asked for it!" the Afro-haired blond intensified his pose, if such a thing was possible. "NOBLE PHANTASM! Spears of the Nose Hair!"

"My Heroooooo...!" a spherical... orange thing slid swooing across the background, in Sakura cosplay and with its face covered by overdone makeup.

Gilgamesh's expression twitched as two huge golden spears made of hair sprang from Lancer's nose...

... and then the King of Heroes suffered the most humbling defeat he ever could have imagined.

Beast.

Manaka had thought she had been ready. Never before had her heart faltered at her task, and she had regarded the summoning of the Great Beast, the ultimately evil and omen of doom for mankind, with nothing but childlike glee. But now, faced with the thing that had answered to her call, she couldn't help feeling a far too human dread.

The thing was huge, towering, with the appearance of a dog, and a face that at first sight would have looked goofy, even. Yet in the darkness of the room, it conveyed a hideous sense of terror and menace.

The thing barked. There was a small badge on the collar around its neck, one that shone under the scarce moonlight filtering through the curtains. For a moment, Manaka could read the name on the badge.

MARMADUKE.

And her horror at what she had done, if anything, only grew.

The dog took its head back and howled...

Beast.

The unholy creature who had answered to Manaka's call rose, and despite herself, the crazed Master couldn't help feeling a tingle of dread mixed with her dark anticipation at her presence.

Yes, her presence. For the Servant was a girl who looked barely older than her, although noticeably curvier than her, with dark brown hair and wearing a high school uniform, with a rather short skirt. That wasn't exactly what Manaka had been waiting for, and yet, there was something about her Servant's presence that filled her with an unmistakable sense of respect...

"Hmmm, " the Servant looked all around before grinning widely. "I like this! I think I even love it! So, are you my Master? That means you're a Magus, right? Oh wow, all my life waiting for something supenatural to happen to me, and now I am the supernatural itself! Real cool, huh? Are you something else as well?"

"Eh?" Manaka blinked at the odd barrage of questions.

"I mean, other than being a Magus, are you an alien? Esper? Time traveler? Slider?"

"Why would I be any of those things? A Magus is a Magus. Isn't that enough...?"

"Tch...! Not at all! What a disappointment, " the Servant cocked her head aside. "But I guess this will make the assembling all the more entertaining."

"The assembling of what exactly?" Manaka asked. "Is this something needed to destroy the world?"

"Destroying the world? Are you insane? I am going to save this gray mortal world from boredom! Through the new and improved SOS Brigade of Servant Beast! WHOOOOO!" she pumped a fist up.

Manaka felt that sensation of doom, and not the good kind of it either, bubbling up even higher.

"Let's go recruiting!" Beast exclaimed.

"Recruiting who? And for what?!"

In the end, the tainted Grial was swallowed and assimilated by some giant strange monsters Beast brought forth during a nervous breakdown, which in turn threatened to destroy the world anyway, until Ayaka proved to her the world was worth being kept with a deep wet mouth kiss.

Manaka was very jealous.

Rider.

Waver Velvet pointed and dramatically shouted, "Rider! Get him!"

Suddenly, a massive Japanese truck zoomed in and ran Assassin over before he could react.

Waver Velvet pointed and dramatically shouted, "Rider! Get him!"

Suddenly, a massive Japanese truck zoomed in and ran Lancer over before he could react.

Waver Velvet pointed and dramatically shouted, "Rider! Get them!"

Suddenly, a massive Japanese truck zoomed in and ran Caster and Uryuu over before they could react.

Waver Velvet pointed and dramatically shouted, "Rider! Get him!"

Suddenly, a massive Japanese truck zoomed in and ran Berserker over before he could react.

Waver Velvet pointed and dramatically shouted, "Rider! Get her!"

Suddenly, a massive Japanese truck zoomed in and ran Saber over before she could react.

Waver Velvet pointed and dramatically shouted, "Rider! Get him!"

"Huh? What are you saying, you pathetic mongr-AAAAAHHHHHH!"

Suddenly, a massive Japanese truck zoomed in and ran Archer over before he could react.

For Waver Velvet had, somehow, managed to summon the most unstoppable force ever to be found in any work of Japanese animation.

Saber.

"Out of all the stupid borders you had left to cross yet," Chisame told him, snarling out each corner of her mouth, "you had to pick and cross THIS ONE?!"

Negi looked down, rubbing the Command Seals on the back of his hand. "It looked like a good idea at the time..."

Chisame looked at the dark haired boy with the sword standing behind Negi. He didn't look unusual at all, just like an average random stupid kid taken from junior high, complete with the requisite school uniform and open jacket delinquents and smartasses favored. "What did you use for a catalyst?" she asked Negi.

"Nothing," Negi shrugged. "I just decided to go out on a limb and hope compatibility would get me a fitting partner..."

"Oh," she said, "so we aren't your fitting partners anymore."

"I, I don't mean it in that sense and you know it well!"

She sighed, giving the black haired boy another look. "Well, he looks more like a fitting partner for Kotaro instead. Unless there's some truth about the saying on opposites..."

"Okay, it was kinda cute at first," the Servant said, "but will you stop talking as if I were an object with no mind of my own already?"

"As soon as I judge you have a mind of your own, yeah," Chisame nodded, folding her arms. "What's you, ah, Class, that was how it was called?"

"I'm Saber!" he grinned.

"I thought there was already a Saber?" Chisame looked at Negi.

Negi shrugged.

Chisame sighed. "You aren't being a great help today, are you. Okay, since the other Saber wears blue, and you wear black, let's call you... Saber of Black for the time being. Of course, a red one will pop up just before weekend, I just know it. Unless you want to tell us your real name?"

"Sure, if it's you guys it's okay," Saber then proudly placed a hand on his chest and said, "My name is—

"Yes, Chisame?" Konoka asked as she opened the door, then had Negi and a black haired boy shoved on her, quickly followed by Chisame's angry stomping away, down the hallway.

"What was that about?" Asuna asked, looking away from her videogame.

"Um, Konoka-san," Negi gulped, placing a hand on the other boy's scalp, "please meet our grandson..."

"It's more complicated than that, actually, but—" the other boy whistled as he saw Konoka squeeing excitedly, then tackling Negi down in an unescapable hug. "— I thought you were supposed to like girls?"

"... nope," Evangeline flatly said, after looking icily at him. "I don't remember you, no, nop, nope."

"But," he heatedly argued, while a wary Negi, Chisame, Matoi, Satomi, Asuna and Konoka and a rattled and haunted Setsuna waited behind him, "we met in your past, you should remember me! Yukihime!"

"I think the only thing I remember about anyone like you," she told him just as coldly, "is you were immortal, right?"

He nodded eagerly.

"So," Negi reasoned, "he could be quite an useful Servant for the Holy Grail War, and—"

"And also," Eva said, quickly freezing Saber and then punting him off the platform's edge, "he won't die if I do this!"

"... was that really necessary...?" Negi said, his eyes going tiny.

Eva huffed and walked away. "Next time you'll start bringing fat vampires and lesbian stalkers other than Tsunetsuki here too! And if you ever do that, Boya, I'll do the same thing to you!"

"... the thing is, that kind of things makes her feel weak and vulnerable, see..." Chachazero conspiratively whispered to them while Asuna and Konoka kept on looking down into the abyss of clouds, and Setsuna breathed far easier now.

So in the end they decided never bringing the topic up again.

Rider.

"Well, then, prepare to die, boy," Caster smiled at Shirou, raising an elegant hand while Assassin humorlessly strode forward. "Even if your... Servant...is downright pathetic, you still are a menace to our happiness as long as you draw breath. Assassin! Do it as painless as possible, however!"

"..." Kuzuki-sensei said from behind Caster. "I'm sorry it had to happen this way, Emiya-kun, but given to choose between forfeiting Caster's life and your own..."

"Don't fear, lad," Assassin grimly said, his sword ready. "I find no pleasure from slaying an unworthy victim, so your demise will be clean and—"

The yellow-colored entity in a dress at the head of the five diminutive beings that floated around Shirou pointed ahead and commanded, "Rider Anger, Rider Disgust, you get the Assassin! Rider Sadness, you get the man! Rider Fear, you get the Master so he won't do anything stupid! I'll get the Caster!

"Okay, yeah, whatever," the tiny green woman sneered, before she and the fuming, red tiny Rider zoomed through Assassin's forehead and into his mind, while the comparatively tall and lanky one dove into Shirou, the downcast looking chubby little meganekko flew into Kuzuki, and Rider Happiness herself fearlessly flew into Caster.

Caster blinked, paused, and then took a hand to her cheek, giggling. "On the other hand, why should we kill this perfectly adorably young man?!" she said, hopping in place like a child high on sugar, while Shirou yelped in panic and rushed behind a pillar, in a very un-Shirou-like way. "I mean, I'm already so perfectly happy with my lot in life, with my hot husband and loyal Servant, and...!"

"Make your damn mind up, you whore!" Assassin abruptly turned back on her, fuming madly in anger and disgust at her. "You sicken me, treating me like your slave, constantly at the mercy of your foolish whims! DIE!" he cried, plunging his sword through Caster's chest. "— I might have just made a mistake here," he soberly realized a moment later, as the Riders flew out of them and both Caster and himself disappeared altogether.

"Oh, noooooo!" Kuzuki sobbed, trying to reach for the already gone Medea. "Caster, nooooooo! I can't go on like thiiis!" he cried, then threw himself off the hillside while Rider Sadness flew out of him.

The four Riders high fived each other. "Good job, Rider Team!" Rider Happiness congratulated the others.

Rider Disgust smirked smugly, twirling a finger into her own hair. "Well, naturally. I pulled the most out of what Anger and me did, though. Seriously, Anger, your technique still needs so much work..."

"Look, it worked out fine, didn't it?!" Rider Anger protested. "Who cares, the witch and her goons are dead now, and good riddance too! Hmph!"

Rider Sadness sobbed miserably. "I feel so bad for them... I'm afraid we ruined their sincere hopes and dreams for—"

"Oh, yeah, talking about being afraid," Rider Happiness carelessly called around, "Rider Fear, you can come out now! Let's go home already!"

Shirou trembled, warily peeking out of his hiding place. "Are, are you sure? Are there no scary psychotic blond men with armor and swords anywhere...?" he shakily asked.

Assassin.

"So, is this Assassin, or not?" the frustrated Rin asked her new Servant.

"I'm not sure," Saber said, looking at the small, humble looking man, who hardly looked like an epic Legendary Spirit. "Part of me feels like he's a Servant, but I'm not sure. It's rather confusing. Archer?"

"I feel the same as you," Archer frowned, rubbing his jaw in contemplation. "But I think it had to be him who shot Emiya."

"That's bull and you know it!" Lancer accused, even though inwardly he was happy he hadn't died for a change. "He couldn't have shot the lad, the angle was all wrong! Admit it, it was you! You hated him, and you had a perfect copy of this guy's gun!"

"It wasn't me!" Archer retorted. "You idiot, I'd have admitted it gladly, had it been me! If you want someone who hides their hand like that, ask the witch! It's just like her to summon Assassins to do her dirty work for her!"

"It wasn't me either," Caster said, showing them all a series of pictures. "As you can see from those images from the film Issei was taking of young Emiya, the bullet couldn't come from our temple, but from behind, and that means the park..."

"I didn't do it!" Assassin (or was he?) protested.

"You did!" Illya argued angrily.

"I did not!"

"You did!" Shinji insisted.

"Did not!"

"It's a conspiracy from the Matous!" Kirei shouted, pointing at Zouken and Shinji. "Admit your sins, you have held a grudge against Emiya ever since his involvement with Sakura!"

Rider sniffled, drying the corners of her bandaged eyes with a tissue. "Emiya-san deserved to pay for his part in Sakura's death, but we didn't do it!"

"That was a suicide!" Archer shot back.

"Sakura would never have killed herself!" Rider argued. "She didn't even kill herself after being raped for years, or in Heaven's Feel Normal End!"

"How typical of Sakura, she has to keep stealing the attention even after she's dead," Shinji mumbled.

"I didn't do it!" Assassin (was he?) kept on saying.

"You did!" Caren told him.

"The mafia is involved, I can tell that much!" Bazett accused, pointing at Taiga.

"How rude!" Taiga said. "I don't have to answer to those ridiculous claims! Next you'll be saying it's Ruler Fidel Castro's work!"

Right then another Assassin rushed in between all of them, with a gun in a hand, aimed at Assassin's stomach, and shot him dead.

Caster.

"So, um, Artemis-sama, Orion-san," Dr. Roman uneasily said, "meet our newest crewmates, Servant Caster also known as Inoue Orihime-san, and, ah, Kon, I think, right?"

The two beautiful busty girls beamed identical bright, dopey smiles at each other and vivaciously shook hands, breasts bouncing as they did. "So pleased to meet you!" they said at once in the very exact same tone.

The plush bear sitting on Artemis' head sweatdropped. "Well. This is kinda awkward."

The plush lion sitting on Orihime's head shook his head. "I can tell this isn't going to work out some way or another, but what the hell, wanna go for a few beers already? I have the hunch we're gonna need 'em."

Berserker.

"Coming alone?" Illya laughed at Saber's question. At first her laugh was a girlish, innocent giggle, but quickly rose into an increasingly deranged, harshly adult cackle, as the air around her began crackling with a strange power that made Saber's skin crawl. "Why, of course not, Saber! My Servant is right here! It comes for me, at my beck and call, as you will see... right now!"

Shirou frowned. "Look, I don't want to fight you, are you sure this is really necessary? I think we can settle this like rational people if we only-"

"But my Servant is not rational, and I don't want to be either!" Illya smiled cruelly, slamming her hands together. "You could say we... hunger for your blood just that much, 'Onii-chan'! Berserker! Come forth and raze this town!"

Now even Shirou could feel it, and soon saw it too, as it materialized behind Illyasviel, rising to the skies like a huge, blasphemous thing that spun around, quickly pulling everything around it towards its quickly rotating, chomping and savage core. It challenged imagination; it was a grotesque display out of a madman's feverish imagination. It was full of huge, bloody, gaping jaws filled with sharp, enormous teeth everywhere. It was a force of nature embodied as a primal animal god's rage, submitted to Illyasviel's will.

It was... a giant tornado made of sharks already bringing Fuyuki City into itself. Citizens everywhere screamed, suddenly flung from the streets and their houses and into the large waiting mouths, crying nonsense about gas leaks. The senses shattering sight made even Saber's steel resolve falter, her eyes widening at the impossible sight. "Shirou!" she gasped. "What... What is that abomination against God?!"

Shirou pointed out and yelled in terror. "SHARKNADO!"

And so Fuyuki City was fully destroyed that night by a force superior to any fire. Just because no one in the stupid burg had a freaking chainsaw, damn it.

Because tonight I watched Sharknado 5 and SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK.

Assassin- by Aon Sao.

Caster stared in disappointment at the small group of statues before her.

"These will never do" she muttered, circling the four statues. Her eyes wandered over the forms, searching for any hints or clues that these were more than simple rock given form.

Each was roughly as tall as a grown man, their forms covered by a floor length nondescript gown, leaving only their thin arms and backs exposed. From their backs rose a pair of feathered wings, and their arms were held close to the body, their hands cupping together to hide the face.

Completing her circle, she gave them one last look. With a sigh and a mutter of 'I summoned lawn ornaments' she turned away, leaving the statues behind.

Come the next morning, the statues were gone.

Lancer chased the orange haired boy through the hallsways of the large building, his mouth twisted in a grin of someone clearly enjoying the chase. The chase would soon be over though, the boy running out of room to run.

He rounded the corner into the latest hallway (was the building made of hallways or something?) and slowed to a stop, his face twisting in confusion.

The boy was gone. Just...gone.

Lancer advanced down the hall, testing the doors he found, unsurprised to find none of them opened. The boy had tried similar doors before and had almost been speared when they wouldn't open.

He looked through the hall one last time, eyes briefly lingering on the statue at the end before changing to spirit form, returning to his Master to deliver his report.

Shirou would not be the only one who disappeared, Caster would later hear during a conversation between Issei and Kuzuki. Shinji had also disappeared during one of his frequent trips off the campus for lunch.

Rin and Sakura had been the next to vanish, causing the school to enter a state of panic, students being encouraged to walk home in groups or to wait until a teacher could accompany them.

It was with wide eyed surprise and a small amount of suspicion that Caster stood before the Holy Grail, the source of power just appearing at Ryuudou.

As Caster squashed her suspicions and made her wish, four statues listened to their Master, their faces hidden behind cupped hands.

Saber- by Shadow Crystal Mage.

Lancer grinned viciously as the Servant in white fell into a clumsy ready stance. "Quite an inexperienced Servant you've got there kid," he told Shirou as Shirou painfully made his way to the door, leaning on the frame. He raised his spear, already disappointed by the likely weak and lackluster fight sure to come. "How the heck did you ever manage to qualify as a Saber with those skills, girl?"

Even through her helmet, Lancer could feel her smile. "I killed the most powerful man in 25 worlds."

He raised an eyebrow. "Hah! What did he do, go around killing paraplegic puppies?"

"Mostly he took very bad pictures and kicked monsters in the face so hard the exploded," Saber said. "I warn you, Lancer. I'm more powerful than a Pluton Rocket! I killed a main character in his own movie!"

Shirou gasped.

Lancer just grinned and charged.

Her sword stabbed him right in the side of the neck. He died trying to laugh...

Archer- by Shadow Crystal Mage.

Illya laugh as the small, frail-looking girl stood her ground. "Is this the best the Tohsaka can manage? Your clan has truly become weak, Tohsaka Rin, if the best Servant you can manage is a girl with..." she peered closer, then laughed even more, "An arcade token? Mein Gott, you can't even afford real money!"

Archer just smiled, pointing her arm straight at Berserker, the little coin nestled over her thumbnail, as if she was going to flip it into the air. "Taste my railgun," she said.

The air exploded.

Illya stared at the hug crater and smear on the ground that had once been her Servant, then smirked. "Well, nice try, but you will still not be able to defeat my Servant! He has 13 lives— er, I guess 12 now— and he is immune to the last thing that killed him!"

Railgun paused, tilting her head as she put the other token she was getting out of her pocket. "So he's immune to getting killed by arcade tokens now?" Her tone made it clear she didn't consider this an achievement." Well, that's no problem..."

Illy stared as she pulled out a nail. And a ball bearing. And a washer. And a soda can. And a paperclip. And a fork. And a magnet. And a—

Needless to say, the next 12 deaths were very humiliating.

Temptress- by Shadow Crystal Mage.

"I began as an innocent," Avenger said philosophically. "I guess we all are, at the start. Even the devil was an angel once, after all. I was filled with learning, with knowledge. They came to me to solve their problems, to let them pass on what they knew, and it was good. " Her face darkened. "And then the filth came."

She faced them, the epitome of all their desires. Shiro saw all the heroism that ever was, Saber saw endless praises to her name. In Rin's eyes, she saw infinite threesomes and inviting little sisters, while Kirei beheld all the filth and evils of the world. And all of it, whatever it was, was forever out of their reach. They could look, they could learn, they could try to copy, but they could never, ever touch...

"Behold, my Noble Phantasm!" she cried as she began. "See my death bring about the end of all civilization!" She raised her arms! "Noble Phantasm! Y2K Bug!"

In the end, the world became a Magitocracy, since the Magi were the only ones who weren't affected at all by the lack of technology. South-East Asia WOULD have made it, but those crappy nukes the North Koreans made blew up and irradiated the entire region besides...

Funny Vamp- by Shadow Crystal Mage.

"One Servants, ah ah ah..." he counted. "Two Servants, ah ah ah! Three Servants, ah ah ah!"

"Will you stop it with that stupid counting!" Rin cried.

"Seven Servants, ah ah ah!" he finished, triumphant. "There are seven Servants in this Holy Grail Var!"

Thunder crackled.

"Not again..." Rin muttered as it, once more, began to rain. In her living room.

Rider- by Shadow Crystal Mage.

"Go Speed Racer! Go Speed Racer! Go Speed Racer go!"

"Aha," Shirou said, pointing at Shinji and his Servant in the white car as the music played, "I deduce that your Servant is the legendary servant Speed Racer, driver of the Mach Five, whose skill at racing is legendary. Speed Racer, who is one of the greatest drivers in the world, has competed in hundreds of races with his legendary car, the Mach Five, sometimes against Racer X, who unknown to Speed is secretly his older brother, Rex Racer, and at least one nefarious, cheating racer, which is completely unfair, because I'm pretty sure the modifications his legendary car, the Mach Five, aren't race legal. He has also helped in forging diplomatic relations with other countries, often with the help of and the behest of Racer X, who unknown to Speed is secretly his older brother, Rex Racer— "

Shinji tried to tune out the long, endless drone and the music as he glared at his Servant. "Does. This. Always. Happen?" he growled, using all the willpower he had not to say anything beyond those four word, especially nothing about how Racer X, who unknown to Speed is secretly his older brother, Rex Racer.

Rider nodded jerkily, as if his head was in one position and the next without moving through the space in between. "Unfortunately, it's a side effect of my Noble Phantasm, my legendary car the Mach Five, on which I've run hundreds of races. I've also helped forge diplomatic relations with the hep of Racer X, who unknown to me is secretly my older brother, Rex Racer— "

Shinji tried to kill him with the buzzsaws just to get him to STOP TALKING!

Meanwhile, Avenger, who unknown to Speed is secretly his older brother, Rex Racer...

IANCER- by Shadow Crystal Mage.

"'Scuse me, but I think there's been some kind of typo," the completely nondescript South American said. "I'm not LANCER, I'm IANCER. Er, IANCE. It's an upper-case 'i', not a lower-case 'L'. Plus there's no 'R' at the end."

Kirei gave him a cold look. "Close enough. I want you to go and scout for me."

"Fuck you, no."

"I can compel you with these command seals."

"Go ahead, then when you're done I'll beat you up."

Kirei frowned. "Very well then. I shall just have to have you kill yourself ad wrack evil by myself..."

"Where do you want me to scout, sir!"

He spent the time he should have been scouting posting on forums on the Internet...

Lancer (For real this time, we swear)- by Shadow Crystal Mage.

At the docks, the Servant greeted Saber with a wide grin. "Hey Saber-san! I guess we'll be fighting first, since no one else showed up."

Saber nodded, her form shifting to her armor. "Indeed. Who art thou?"

He grinned and spun. "I am..." he said, spreading his arms, one before him, one behind, "Ser-vant... SILVER! Er, LANCER!, I mean Lancer! Yes, I'm Gokai Lancer! I am now in the silver spotlight!"

Kayneth facepalmed.

Saber- by Shadow Crystal Mage.

Gilgamesh stared at the half-naked mongrel before him and laughed. "What kind of primitive barbarian do you send against me, girl? Seriosuly, what kind of Saber doesn't even have a sword?"

Rin grinned. "The kind that came before swords were invented. "

The Servant, clad only in a loin cloth, held his club over his head. "MIGHTOR!"

Gilgamesh found all his fancy Noble Phantasms horribly outmatched. After all, the older something is the more powerful it is, and the Stone Age came WAY before the Age of Babylon...

Rider- by Shadow Crystal Mage.

Gilgamesh stared at the mongrel in the ragged spotted sack and the piece of fabric around his neck that might have been a tie before him and laughed. "What kind of primitive barbarian do you send against me, girl? A Rider? What could he possible have that could defeat me?!"

"Rider!" Rin cried. "Use your Noble Phantasm!"

A strange vehicle sudenly appeared, on two stone rollers like wheel, one in front, one in the back, held together by crudely-shaped wood with some furs to act as a roof. Gilgamesh burst out laughing all over again.

Rider just grinned and sat in the thing, propelling it with his feet. "Yabba Dabba Doo!" came his battle cry.

Gilgamesh was promptly run over.

Stone Age: 2, Babylon, 0.

To be Continued?