Twilight is the intellectual property of Stephenie Meyer; I am not Stephenie Meyer. I am J. K. Rowling.

Please forgive this bit of formulaic nonsense. I wrote this for Cumor. To make her laugh after a particularly angsty chapter of Dark Justice. I'm hoping it makes you laugh, too. I need a bit of prodding to go on from here, so ... we shall see. If a couple of you like what you find here, let me know and I'll write more.

Thanks sisterglitch for being my beta bestie!

"Who put Jasper in charge of the rental car process?" Edward asked irritably.

He wasn't bad-tempered. Not at the moment anyway. He was quite the opposite, seeing as he was on his way to reunite with his girls. He was amused, however, by the generic crossover mini-van/SUV he was driving, which Jasper had acquired at the airport.

"Don't be a hater, Edward," Emmett said sarcastically. "Jasper made a very sensible choice. This vehicle certainly comprises all the latest safety features."

Edward nodded in mock approval. "You're right. I think I ought to consider getting one of these for my daughter when she's ready to drive."

"Yeah, it's so safe," Emmett agreed. "And pretty too. What is this we're in, Jasper? A Nissan Unicorn?"

"No, no," Edward countered, "it's a Jeep, Little Mermaid edition."

"Hey, nothing girly about a Jeep," Emmett quipped. "But do you happen to have any Celine Dion on your iPod there? I have a hankering for that Titanic song." He began to hum "My Heart Will Go On."

Jasper, riding shotgun, ignored their ragging for the most part. He was quite used to it, and he had endured Emmett poking his head over the back of his seat to share one-liners during the entire cross-country flight.

He shook his head. "I took what they had left in the size we needed." He didn't know why he was wasting his breath though. This sort of ribbing was what the Cullen brothers did…whether there was cause for it or not.

"I don't particularly want to be on this trip," Jasper admitted. "It's Alice making me."

"It's Alice making all of us," Edward corrected.

Emmett slapped his knee. "Yeah, ever since she found out her birthday, she makes us celebrate the whole month. That's ridiculous. There are only twelve months in a year, and one of those dedicated to Alice and doing whatever she wants…? It's gotten way out of hand. She must be stopped."

"Getting out of hand is what Alice does best." Jasper grinned.

"And there is no stopping her," said Edward. "What's it matter? We do whatever she wants year-round anyway."

"Well," Jasper started. "I told her it was too soon for me to go anywhere. 'I can't leave the Sea Monkeys,' I said. They're only babies."

"Dude, that's a lame excuse."

Jasper looked back at Emmett and smiled. "That's what she said. Alice promised that the babies would be fine when I got back home."

"That's the worst 'that's-what-she-said' joke I ever heard," Emmett dismissed. Then he resorted to his favorite pastime, which was making noises to resemble human flatulence.

"We can thank our lucky stars that we're not in that car," Edward jerked his thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the vehicle that held Alice, Rosalie, and Esme.

"You got that right, brother," seconded Emmett.

"Carlisle is about to go out of his ever-loving mind," Edward revealed.

It was then that Carlisle passed them on the right with a panicked expression on his face. The doctor had recently taken to wearing spectacles when out and about. He said it supported the pseudo-human impression they all worked to achieve, but Edward knew that Esme thought it was sexy and that was the only reason Carlisle bothered with the prop at all.

Emmett exploded in laughter at Carlisle's appearance. "Man, if they are listening to Celine, I'm changing rides."

"They're listening to Taylor Swift," Edward answered.

On cue, Emmett started singing, "We are never, ever, ever getting back together."

"Like, ever," Jasper finished.

"We ought to let him join us," Edward said, meaning their father.

"Is he wearing his belt? Because I don't want what happened the last time to happen again," Emmett said, not sounding too worried.

Edward rolled his eyes. "That belt wore out."

Jasper chuckled. "I bet it did. And it's not like he can't use one of our belts if he needs to."

All three boys shuddered at the thought.

"Are we there yet!" Emmett yelled suddenly. "Edward, you're driving like Carlisle."

"Actually worse. Carlisle just passed us," Jasper pointed out.

"Fine. You're driving like Esme."

"Your mother," Edward retorted while stepping on the accelerator and pushing a button on the controls so that "I Drove All Night" came blaring through the car speakers.

"That's not how you say it," said Emmett. "It's 'yo momma'."

Jasper's turn. "You talkin' 'bout my momma?"

When both vehicles finally reached the spacious and secluded hunting cabin, Edward was overjoyed to see Bella and Renesmee again. His girls had flown out to Florida early to visit with Bella's mother before meeting here in the Louisiana backwoods, where Alice had specified. Charlie was here, too, with Sue, Seth, and Leah. Jacob had accompanied Bella and Nessie, and now he was helping his father, Billy, make it out to the site by aid of an ATV.

"Well, that's it for Edward then," Emmett remarked watching his little brother fall to the charms of his little family.

"Don't sweat it, Em. You and I can make our own fun." Jasper said this while running his hand admiringly over the barrel of a Browning over-under shotgun. The Major had an unusual affinity for firearms. He kept some of his own at home, but he didn't actually fire them. They were antique, and he kept them for their looks, once in a while fetching one out of the cabinet to hold. He called them such names as Billie Jo, Ann Margaret, and Caroline. As fond as he was of the girls, well…there wasn't really anything worth shooting at.

That was when he considered Emmett, who was standing six feet from him.

"Don't do that," Edward warned, responding to Jasper's thoughts.

"Hey," Jasper said to Emmett, grabbing the gun off the truck's toolbox and snubbing Edward. "Do you think it would hurt if I shot you from here?"

The big fellow sighed and shrugged. "I don't know." He thought a moment. "Okay, fine. You can do it. But not in my head," he added emphatically. Then he turned around, hunched over, and covered his hair with his hands.

"Don't be idiots!" Rosalie chided.

"Aw, I can handle it, babe," he replied, peeking back at her.

"You really want to start out this vacation with a gunshot wound, do you? I'm not hauling your broken ass around New Orleans tomorrow."

"It's not going to damage him," Edward explained, "but I don't know if Carlisle will approve of this activity."

"Alice," Jasper asked, "do you see anything, darlin'?"

She looked perplexed. "Uh…"

"It's the damn mutts," Em muttered under his breath.

Jasper grinned. Checking the breach, he found it loaded with bird shot. He stood at an angle, raised the butt of the gun to his shoulder, and nestled his cheek against it. Aiming the barrel, he clicked the safety off and pulled the trigger, hitting Emmett in his right buttock.

"Ya!" he screamed, looking back over his shoulder. "That hurt, jackass." He shook himself, then bent over again. "Okay, do the other side."

"Emmett, you blockhead," Rose insulted.

Jasper fired quickly.

"Ow! God!" Emmett clutched his left cheek.

"Oh, come on. That's nothing. I think we ought to try bigger pellets." Jasper started rifling around the bed of the pickup.

"Yeah, let me do you this time."

"Fine," he agreed, replacing the shell with a slug.

"Jasper Whitlock, don't you dare ruin those new clothes!" Alice threatened.

"Yes, ma'am," he said, slipping his jeans down and pulling his legs out. Emmett whistled. Edward covered Nessie's eyes. Jasper continued to strip by pulling his shirt over his head.

Then he leaned forward against the truck, laying his head on his folded arms.

Emmett took aim and fired. The bullet struck Jasper's lower back, then ricocheted off. Unfortunately, the ammunition hit an unsuspecting Carlisle, who was returning to the site with Esme, Charlie, Jacob, and Billy. He did not know what had hit him. His mouth was open in shock as he held his right hand to his chest, the slug having impacted his palm. Esme immediately grabbed Carlisle and steered him to where he could sit.

Charlie bent down to pick up the flattened bullet from the pine needles. He spun around, finding an alarmed Emmett holding a shotgun loosely at his side. "Did you just shoot your father?" he asked. That was when the newcomers noticed a near-naked Jasper standing by the pickup truck wearing not much but a horrified expression.

Carlisle was sitting on a log, trying to breathe through the throbbing pain, while Esme rubbed his shoulder and held his wounded hand.

"Oh, man, Carlisle. I'm so sorry. I shot Jasper. We didn't mean for anybody else to get hurt."

"Carlisle, it's all my fault," Jasper said, taking over Emmett's apology. "It was my idea. I'm sorry…"

"It's—all right—boys. I'm not going to yell at you."

Edward laughed inappropriately, and Esme glared at him, which instantly turned him impassive. "Sorry. It's just what Carlisle was thinking. He said in his head that he was going beat them and forgo the yelling."

Jacob laughed.

"Well I'm going to yell at them," said Charlie. "What were you two thinking? Or were you thinking at all? Firearms are deadly weapons. You don't play around with them, and you sure as hell don't shoot other people with them! I would think young men of your age would know that. What are you, first graders? I didn't realize that I would need to keep the guns and ammunition locked away."

"We're really sorry, Chief Swan," Emmett said.

"I just wanted to see if it would hurt me to get shot," Jasper explained. "And it did. You're right—stupid idea."

"You really needed him to tell you it was a bad idea?" Edward asked with superiority.

"Jasper and Emmett," Carlisle said softly. "Come here."

"Your hand, Carlisle," Esme quietly argued.

"I can use my other hand just as well."

"But they were just being boys, darling," she tried again. "Why don't we let this heal first?"

He smiled at his spouse, reassuring her that he wasn't cross, and he wouldn't mistreat "her boys."

"Yeah, Dad," Emmett hedged. "You don't want to hurt your hand any worse."

"You're ridiculous," laughed Edward. "You just let Jasper shoot you with a gun, but you're scared of Dad's hand."

"Well, I know his hand hurts…" Emmett pouted.

"Leave us, please," Carlisle requested, and the rest of the company retreated to the house, except for Esme, who rose to stand next to her husband.