No, I'm dead, I'm just in my third year at Law Uni, which is goddamn time consuming.

Once again, thanks Slayer End for betaing and readers for supporting this story.

Grand Theft Khârn

Fuyuki City, like most cities, was full of restaurants ranging anywhere from Ramen Stands to little Chinese shops. However, there were very few fast food locations. In fact, it only had one: los Pollos Hermanos. With the devastating events in the city and the recent annihilation of the local temple, most people had wisely decided to stay locked in their homes until the crisis passed.

When Illya and her Servant had arrived in the Pollos Hermanos, they had found it deserted save for a lone cook, who had, after noticing Berserker's bloodied ax, decided to serve them free of charges.

"Thank you mister Gus!" Illya told the cook, as she started eating her fried chicken with restless abandon.

"You will be spared… for today," Berserker added, much to the employee's obvious terror. Berserker sat in front of his Master around a table next to the window. "Tell me, Master, do you really need to eat in this holy sanctum of Nurgle? Can't we go elsewhere?"

"Aren't Nurgle and Khorne pals?" Illya asked. "I thought Khorne only hated Tzeentch and Slaanesh?"

"No, no. Khorne hates EVERYONE. But there are degrees in His hate. He passionately loathes the sorcerer bitch and the sadomasochist whore, but He merely dislikes the big fat pustule." Khârn laughed to himself, "It helps that Nurgle's pets are hard to kill."

"Anyway, I've never tasted fast food in my life," Illya said, "Dad always said we would visit one, before..." Before he dropped me behind like a sack of potatoes.

"If you want me to kill your father like I killed your grandfather, you only have to ask," Berserker suggested, "I will set his home ablaze, dismember him, and offer his skull to you."

"He's already dead," Illya replied.

"You got him already?"

"I would have loved to, but no. He died of illness," Illya said angrily. "Neh, Berserker, did you have a family once?"

"Yes. Thousands of brothers." Khârn shrugged. "I killed many of them."

"Because they abandoned you?"

"Because they were weak!" Khârn snarled, launching an angry rant. "Because they were cowards! They were my brothers yes, my gene-siblings, and it didn't stop me! While I never faltered in my devotion, they all chickened out! But Khorne is just. Khorne felled them and granted me strength."

Khârn clenched his fists. "Do not love anyone but yourself, Master," he advised her, "You must cut all of your bonds, discard everything you care about. And then, when there is nothing left within you but hate, when you have given all of your heart to Chaos, then you shall truly be free!"

Discard everything? Illya wondered. Does that mean…?

"I know you want the Corpse-Emperor's lackey for yourself," Khârn said, as if he had read her mind, "But these feelings weaken you. You must kill him, and then kill the other Masters! Then we will go to the stars and kill, kill, KILL, until there's nothing left to kill!"

Suddenly, the fast food was filled with light as two Servants teleported in the middle of it. Berserker was instantly on his feet, readying his ax… but it quickly became clear the Servants in question weren't interested at all in them.

"You insane moron!" Caster roared to a fellow armored giant. "What were you thinking? You could have killed us all had I not teleported us away at the last second!"

"You wanted me to do something," the man shot back angrily. "I did!"

"I wanted you to beat them, not to annihilate my HQ!" Ahriman was seething with impotent rage. "Do you know how much time I spent in fortifying it? Now I am both Masterless and homeless!"

"If you had fortified it better, none of this would have happened."

"And do you know what is worse?" Caster hissed. "How could you MISS? How could you miss a human girl, a giant Ork and a Necron with a weapon made for planets?"

"That is what I call one hell of a failed luck roll," Khorne whispered to Nurgle.

"I am pretty sure his luck score is so bad it's gone into the negatives…"

"Abby?" Khârn asked, interrupting the argument. "Is that you?"

"Abby?" Caster suddenly noticed Berserker and his Master, and readied his weapon. His partner, however, reacted very differently.

"Khârn!" Abaddon the despoiler greeted the warrior back. "How have you been?"

"Pretty fine, been slaughtering bipedal pigs left and right, if you know what I mean," Berserker replied, "How the hell are you a Servant?"

"It is a long story," Avenger replied, Caster finally lowering his weapon upon realizing no fight would break out, "How about I tell you around a table?"

"Yeah!" Illya smirked cheerfully. "Fast food party!"

"Incredible… Is that a poor man's jewel-based Mystic Code?" Trazyn asked, as he continued his guided visit of his new Master's house - or as he called it, The Archaeological Expedition. "It is as beautiful as it is primitive."

"Hey, what are you calling primitive?" Rin asked angrily. "I spent two years making this one!"

"And that? Is it an old owl-statue which can turn into a familiar on demand?" Lancer hurriedly photographed it. "Can I keep it?"

"Lancer, stop treating my house like a museum!" Rin scolded him, only for the robot, too preoccupied by his discovery to care, to ignore her. "Wait, no, stop, don't touch my notes! That's personal-"

"Hey, who stole the TV remote?" she heard Archer roar from the living room. "Oh, never mind, I was sitting on it!"

Rin inhaled sharply, trying desperately to suppress the nervous breakdown waiting to explode. Having one insane Servant at home was bad enough, but two of them would be her death.

It was already a miracle they had survived Avenger's attack at all. Lancer had managed to teleport them to safety, but the blast had been so powerful it not only shattered Archer's Reality Marble, but also vaporized the entire temple alongside it.

And she had the feeling both Caster and Avenger had somehow managed to got away, too.

Giving up on trying to beat sense into Lancer, Rin joined Archer in the living room and tried to think strategically. It was obvious the competition was a bit stronger than expected. Even with two Servants and the late Kirei's help, she had failed to take down Caster's team. Next time, the Caster and his acolyte would probably bring out their most destructive Noble Phantasms the second they showed up.

As much as she hated to admit it, she needed allies.

But who to call? Sakura? She loathed to implicate her, and her Servant did not appear especially trustworthy. Uncle Kariya? Maybe… but her gut instinct told her to be wary. The Einzbern was too insane and would probably attack on sight. Which left Emiya…

Emiya was probably the best choice. He only had one Servant. He could help Rin, and she could have him put down if he tried to double-cross her... although the magus doubted Shirou was cunning enough for it.

"Hey, metalhead," Archer called Lancer, as the machine joined the group in the living room, "I heard you stuff Orks. Wanna try with me?"

"No."

"Ah…" Much to Rin's surprise, Archer seemed downright disappointed. "Really? No fighting? Not even a little brawl? Oh come on!"

"No. I learned my lesson when I tried to add the Bluddflagg to my collection." Lancer marked a short pause. "He stole my entire collection of hats before getting away."

"Yeah, I understand, I got nearly killed when I tried to keep that Bloodthirster as a pet," Archer admitted, before shrugging. "Didn't work."

"You tried to blow up the Earth when they nearly beat you?" Illya raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that a bit of an overreaction?"

"Nah, it's pretty tame," Khârn replied with a laugh, "Hey, Abby, remember that time I blew up a moon because it was spoiling my view of the night sky?"

"Or the time Ahriman summoned a Tyrannid Hive Fleet on an Eldar Craftworld that refused him entry?" Abaddon added with a laugh.

"Those were good times," Caster nodded, "Back then you could demolish solar systems for petty reasons unmolested."

"By the way, how did the two of you end up as Servants?" Abaddon asked his fellow Chaos warriors. "You both died long after me."

"I crashed my ship on the Ultramarine's main world, then tried to kill them all on my own, just to see if I could," Berserker said, "I butchered half of their chapter before one of their bosses got lucky and blasted my skull."

"Wow," Avenger nodded in respect, "That was monumentally brave."

"Brave? That was monumentally stupid," Caster countered. "Had you called for back-up, we could have wiped out all those annoying fanatics once and for all."

"What did you say, sorcerer bitch?" Berserker suddenly exuded blazing fury. "At least I got killed by real warriors, instead of a bunch of elven space hippies!"

"That was Cegorach, an Eldar god, you brain-dead barbarian!" Ahriman hissed. "And I could have taken him down, had he not stabbed me in the back! When I think I had finally entered the Black Library, only to find this monster there waiting for me…"

"Do not feel bad," Abaddon heard Tzeentch whisper through the Mark of Chaos Ascendant, "Cegorach pranked everyone at least once, even Slaanesh. Especially Slaanesh."

"Do you not find it strange? Out of all the Servants, nearly half of them happen to be aligned with Chaos?" Abaddon pointed out, trying to divert his fellow warriors' attention before they attacked one another. "And that one of them is the Emperor? It has to be part of the gods' plan."

"Better, we are in our homeworld's past," Ahriman added, "If we could find the Emperor's past self and murder him…"

"You idiots are missing the big picture!" Khârn cut in, "It's all Khorne's plan! A big bloody brawl with the greatest warriors the galaxy has ever known! This is our reward for a lifetime of faithful slaughter!"

"Obviously, the whole battle at the temple, and then Ahriman's teleportation spell, were meant to bring us together," Avenger added, "And what a coincidence, Berserker's Master is the only one with enough prana to support all of us. It has to be the plan of lord Tzeentch, considering he is always behind everything."

"Yeah, it's called railroading," Abaddon heard Tzeentch laugh.

"Together, we can smash the Corpse-Emperor, crush the competition, and take over the Grail!" Avenger declared, "Then we can create a universe of Chaos, by Chaos, for Chaos! We are part of the same faction, remember? Chaos Undivided!"

"This guy's fame comes from massacring his own army and their foes in a fit of rage," Caster replied, glaring at Berserker. "He probably gets a power-up for every team kill."

"Now you're just exaggerating."

"Actually," Kharn admitted, "My team-kill count is slightly higher than my kill count."

"See?" Caster sighed. "And it's not like we don't have a reputation for pointless infighting, right? Right?"

Avenger didn't give up. "Look, we may not like each others, but we hate the Corpse-Emperor more, is it not?" Fortunately, after countless centuries handling Chaos warriors, he knew the right buttons to press. "Caster, have you forgotten who razed Prospero and led to the ruin of the Thousand Sons?"

"I will never forget," the sorcerer replied bitterly.

"And you, Khorne? Are you not impatient to test your valor against the strongest warrior the galaxy has ever seen?"

"Mm…" Berserker thought about it deeply. To kill or not to kill? Such a profound question. "Maybe I can kill you all after the Corpse-Emperor. If my Master wants it."

"As long as I can keep Shirou for myself, you can kill anybody you want in any order, Berserker," Illya chirped cheerfully. "But… what about the name? We need a cool team name."

"Team Chaos?" Avenger suggested.

"Nah," Illya shook her head, glancing at Caster. "As the embodiment of the Grail, I can see his alignment. He's Lawful Evil, so it wouldn't work."

The news had the effect of a bomb. "…WHAT?" Berserker asked, glancing at Ahriman as if he had been revealed as a leper. "How can you be a Chaos Sorcerer and not be chaotic?"

"Hey, Tzeentch, I think your champion just made his coming out."

"Shut up Khorne."

"I never asked to be Tzeentch's puppet, the choice was forced upon me," Caster replied coolly, "Beside, Chaos is merely a means to impose order over the universe. Our order."

"I knew you were an Imperium snitch!" Berserker roared, readying his axe. "MAIM-"

"Gentlemen!" Avenger quickly took over before the situation could disintegrate further, "You can do this after the Emperor is dealt with. If we kill each other now, only he will profit from the situation."

The two rival Servants exchanged a menacing, venomous glare, before Berserker put away his axe. "Temporary," he said, "Very temporary."

"So…" Illya cut in, "What about... Team Genocide?"

When her plan finally reached Japan, she had been occupied reading her newspaper.

ALIENS ATTACK JAPAN.

The government confirmed the terrible incidents occurring in Fuyuki have indeed been caused by warlike aliens. Reasons for the constant and costly property damage are still mysterious, but an official investigation is underway.

"What we are certain of, is that the destruction was the work of bloodthirsty aliens," the government's representative told our journalists, "There's absolutely no sorcery nor magic involved, and this is certainly not a magical ritual gone horribly wrong."

Grinding her teeth in rage, the woman tossed the newspaper aside. After the chaos caused by the Fourth War, which had threatened to reveal the existence of magecraft to the entire world when a spawn of Cthulhu had been summoned in a nearby river, she had briefly considered closing it and shutting down the Grail before the Einzbern talked her out of it.

If she had followed her intuition instead of letting peasants sweet-talk her, this entire mess could have been avoided.

Mostly, she blamed the Church for its poor management of the crisis. The overseer was at the top of her shit list, and the other three families immediately followed his name. Her wrath would fall upon them like fire and brimstone.

It was time for Barthomeloi Lorelei to kick some sense into this war.

Omake:

Rider Creed

Sakura observed her Servant in silence.

The young magi had expected a cavalier or a knight, as befitting of a Servant of the Rider class. Instead, she had summoned what appeared to be a middle-aged man clad in a green and black military uniform, with short dark hair and an eye patch over the left eye.

"Agent Rider, at your majesty's service," the man said with a voice strikingly similar to Mickey Rourke's, searching under his uniform and bringing out a small box of Cuban cigars, "Want some?"

"Ah… no thank you," Sakura replied shyly, silently wondering how could this man could move with such an oversized cape.

"Your loss," Rider replied, bringing a cigar to his mouth and calmly lighting it. "Tell me, do you like scouting missions?"

Caster glanced at his new foe, the renowned Imperial dog, Creed of Cadia.

He had cornered the man and his pitiful Master on the school's grounds. He had planned for everything. With his loyal Rubric Marines, he would shot this idiot to death and-

Wait.

What was that Titan doing there?

Caster stared dumbly at his enemy, as a second giant mecha emerged from behind… bushes. "WHAT?" How could he have missed that?

"I thought you said that was a scouting mission," Rider's Master pointed out shyly.

"Yes. That is a scouting Titan." Creed shrugged, "I couldn't get serious during my first battle, after all."

At this moment, Caster realized a third Titan had popped up out of nowhere, threatening the sorcerer with a monstrous missile launcher.

"You may have a gun, punk, but you know what?" The man smirked, calmly releasing a cloud of smoke through his nostrils. "You've got the wrong caliber. FOR THE EMPEROR!"

"And shit-" was the last thing Caster said before he died from a serious case of missile to the face.

Observing events from the Warp, Tzeentch's jaw dropped, utterly dumbstruck.

It should have gone perfectly. He had plotted this war for centuries, engineered all events leading to this crisis. He had influenced Zelretch years before he even considering messing with the war so he would select the exact Servants he needed for his plot to work. And if it failed, the god had had hundreds of contingencies planned.

So what happened? Who could have been devious and cunning enough to ruin Tzeentch's plan-

The god of destinies glanced at Zelretch, unable to proceed what happened… and when he noticed that terrible smile on the sorcerer's face, he understood everything. "You… you did this?"

Zelretch chuckled deviously.

Afterward, a roar of pure rage and spite echoed through the Warp, driving thousands insane and terrifying the rest.

The roar of a tricked god.

"ZELREEEETCH!"

Servant of the Day

Spirit: Ezekyle Abaddon, the Despoiler of Worlds

Class: Avenger (could work as all classes)

Master: Caster (Illyasviel von Einzbern by proxy)

Alignment: Chaotic Evil

Strength: A+

Mana: A

Endurance: A++

Luck: -EX (Abaddon, unlike most Servants, has a negative luck stat)

Agility: B

N. Phantasm: EX

Class skills:

- Antagonist, A: as the villain of a tale, Avenger gains a small boost in all statistics upon fighting a good-aligned Servant. The power boost is increased if faced with a foe Avenger met in life.

Personal skills:

- Charisma, A+: Avenger is able to unite even the most bitter enemies against a common foe through a mix of charisma, persuasion, and might, as he did thirteen times during the Black Crusades.

- Mental Pollution, A+: mentally unstable after his corruption by Chaos, Avenger is only able to find understanding with other corrupted individuals, allowing him to unite them under a common banner.

- Psyker, A+: empowered by the Chaos Gods, Avenger is one of the most powerful psykers in the galaxy, with a great variety of spells to call upon.

- Military Tactics, C (A): Avenger is a genuinely talented and skilled tactician, but his explosive temper and psychotic disregard for human life prevents him from making full use of this talent.

- Dark Prophet, A: Avenger is able to communicate directly with his patrons, the Chaos Gods, giving him direct advice and devilish wisdom.

- Screw-up, EX: anything Avenger does has a small chance to fail so spectacularly it might seem logically impossible.

- Warmaster, EX: a warrior directly empowered by the four Chaos gods, Avenger is extremely difficult to permanently destroy. As long as even a sliver of him remains, Avenger will survive any injury, even the destruction of his spiritual core, and eventually recreate himself. Only the complete annihilation of his spiritual body or prana starvation will be enough to put him down for good.

Noble Phantasms:

- Planet Killer: Armageddon Gun, Anti-World, EX: Avenger can call upon his spaceship, the Planet Killer, to fire the Armageddon Gun, a laser empowered by the raw energies of the Warp. This powerful blast can destroy a planet at full power, and devastated dozens of solar systems.

- Mark of Chaos Ascendant, Anti-Reality, EX: a dark blessing bestowed upon Abaddon by the four Chaos gods. The Mark gives Abaddon multiple benefits, such as enhanced resilience and powerful sorcery, and can be used by the Chaos gods as a focus to manifest their power on the material plane.

- Talon of Horus, Anti-Unit, A: a powerful claw once wielded by Horus, the first Warmaster of Chaos, which was used to wound the Emperor of Mankind himself. Able to work as both a Lightning Claw and a Bolster, the Talon of Horus also inflicts aggravated damage on foes aligned with the Emperor of Mankind.

- Drach'nyen, the Daemonic Sword, Anti-Dimension, EX: a malevolent sword able to cut holes between dimensions, giving an opportunity to demonic forces to invade our universe. The power of the sword, at full power, could cause a full-scale planetary invasion in a matter of days.

A/N: and so, the story's first arc ends.

Now, the war enters an era of pointless infighting, brutal showdowns between teams, and hilariously disproportionate reactions to petty things.

Not my best chapter, but it's more like a transition for the next phase of the story. Next chapter will focus on Gilgamesh, Shirou's post surgery, and Lorelei's reaction to seeing the chaos in the city.

The omake is an homage to the famous gag story where Tzeentch get pranked by Creed. You can read it on 1d4chan, and it's goddamn hilarious.

Have a nice day, and would you kindly leave a review before leaving?