I started this quite a while ago, and if I remember correctly, it was after a particular exasperating search for RenRuki lovin' and somehow coming up with seemingly most of the fics I came across being about Renji moping over Ichigo and Rukia. Which is fine, I understand the appeal of that, but when a girl wants RenRuki lovin', not forever-alone-Renji, it can get a bit frustrating :P So anywho, just a bit of poking fun at that whole thing.

Warnings: brief strong language.

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"I'm serious, Rukia, you need to tell him before it's too late!"

Rukia stared at her oldest friend as he leaned over the table, looking very frantic and sweaty.

"But-"

"No buts!" Renji jabbed his finger in her face. "There is no time for that! Who knows what could happen if you keep waiting for the right time to arrive?"

Rukia blinked rapidly as she tried to sort this situation out. A few minutes ago, she and Renji had been enjoying some nice afternoon tea. And then the discussion had turned to the human world and she had commented on how long it had been since she first met Ichigo on that fateful night and my, how time does fly. How much he had changed and even matured since then, how proud she was, etcetera, etcetera.

And then all of a sudden Renji had interrupted her and gone on a tirade about how she needed to confess her feelings to Kurosaki Ichigo. That she had better do it before it was too late. He was even insisting that she open a portal and go this very minute.

Too late for what? What on earth could happen? If he died or something, it wasn't like that would be the last she would ever see of Ichigo. She had plenty of time to-

Rukia stopped short, staring into her tea. No, the point was, she did not have any feelings for Ichigo beyond a strong love between friends. Was there something in the tea? It tasted like simple green tea, especially good if she did say so herself. It was just Renji's bizarre behavior that was making her head tilt in odd directions.

"Renji, what have-" She blinked at the empty space where the lieutenant was supposed to be sitting. Rukia huffed with a scowl and downed the rest of her tea before reaching for the pot. Where on earth had he disappeared to now? She poured her tea with a noblewoman's elegance. No matter, she could at least go back to having a peaceful afternoon tea time.

She closed her eyes as she lifted the steaming cup to her lips, inhaling the soothing aroma, letting the warm moisture from the steam hydrate the skin of her face. But then she was very rudely interrupted by a large hand clamping on her arm and yanking her to her feet. Rukia cried out, watching sadly as the cup rolled around on the floor, emptying it's contents.

She ripped her arm from the big lug's grip and glared up at him. "What is the meaning of this, Renji?"

Renji shook his head. "I'm sorry, but I gotta do this, Rukia. It's for your own good!"

And suddenly she was being scooped up into his arms and hugged tightly to his chest. She hardly had a chance to catch her breath before he was running through a portal and seconds later, they were in the human world.

"Renji," she began, slowly. "Did you get permission to open that portal?"

She watched his jaw set. That probably meant "no".

"Okay, then if it's not too much to ask, do you mind putting me down?"

He jerked, muttered an apology, and gently set her on her feet.

Rukia brushed herself off and then faced him, arms crossed. "Now, tell me what this is all about." She was not proud of how badly her instincts had reacted, or failed to react, when she was being forcibly escorted, but she was currently proud of how well she was keeping her temper in check. Although that might have more to do with the general feeling of shock she was still experiencing than any Kuchiki self-control.

Renji jerked his chin to a spot behind her. She turned around to see that they were standing right in front of the Kurosaki household.

"The time has come, Rukia."

Rukia spun around. "Time for what?"

"Don't act dumb. There is no more time for games. You have to tell him how you feel before it's too late!"

She breathed. It seemed like a good thing to concentrate on for a moment before speaking to the lunatic in front of her again. "You want me to confess my feelings to Ichigo? Right now? Just... go up there and say, 'I love you, Kurosaki Ichigo'! Just like that?"

Renji looked down the road, the muscle in his jaw jumping. "Yes. And I'm not budging from this spot nor letting you leave until you do."

Rukia decided that she was officially done with him. She needed to talk to someone else. "Fine. I'll go talk to him right now."

His nostrils flared. "Good."

She opened her mouth, but then remembered that she was done with him, and simply hopped up to the windowsill of Ichigo's room. Ichigo was sitting at his desk, bent over a book and some papers. She let herself in and immediately plopped onto his bed. He jumped in surprise, his body tensing for a fight, but then quickly relaxed into a smile when he saw her.

"Rukia!"

"Are you going to kill me with a pencil, then?"

He blinked and looked at the writing utensil poised in his hand like a tiny sword. Ichigo shrugged before setting it back down on his desk. He leaned back in his chair, twisting his torso to face her, arm dangling over the back. "What's up?"

"Well." She swung her legs back and forth, watching his face. "I'm supposed to be confessing to you that I love you."

Ichigo's expression did not seem to change except that it did look a tad too frozen. "Is that so?"

"Yes. Well, that I'm supposed to be confessing, that is. But as far as loving you in that way..." A thought suddenly occurred to her. "Ichigo, do you have feelings for me?"

His eyebrows furrowed and he looked down at the floor in concentration. Then he looked over at his desk, his eyes considering the papers. Finally, he looked back at her. "No, don't think so."

"You had to think about it?"

"Well, I'd never thought about it before. So, I gave it some thought, and no, I don't."

Rukia deadpanned. "I'm surrounded by idiots."

"How the hell does me taking a moment to honestly consider a question I had never even thought of before make me an idiot?!"

She sighed heavily.

"But you do have feelings for me...?" he questioned cautiously.

"No, I don't."

"Okay..." He looked her up and down. "So why are you here confessing but not confessing to me?"

"I was forced to by a tattooed imbecile."

"Renji?"

She nodded. "He seems to have gotten it into his head that I'm in love with you. Kept going on about not missing the chance and having to do it before it's too late. I don't know what's gotten into him!"

"Hm." Ichigo looked back at his homework.

Rukia stared at her old stomping grounds, his closet, briefly entertaining the tempting thought of holing up in there for a while, away from crazy red pineapples. "He's down there right now to make sure I don't chicken out or something. Acting all weird like he's performing some duty."

Ichigo grunted and fiddled with his pencil. Rukia narrowed her eyes at his profile.

"You know something, don't you?"

"I don't suppose you know anything about trigonometry?"

"There's definitely something you're not telling me. Spit it out, Ichigo."

Ichigo's mouth stretched into a thin, stubborn line.

"Kurosaki Ichigo, if you don't tell me what you know, I'll tell Nii-sama that you molested his pure-as-snow sister."

He turned back around to face her, his expression decidedly nonchalant. "Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt anything by telling you. Especially since he meddled so much in your business."

"Uh-huh."

Ichigo cleared his throat. "I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure Renji is the one in love, here."

She felt a sharp, painful twist in her chest. "Renji? In love? With who?"

"You."

Rukia sat in silence for a few seconds. "I knew you were a fool, but..."

Ichigo sighed. "You know I can get a reading on a guy's heart from crossing swords with him, right?" He waited for her to nod. "Yeah, well, during my fight with him on my way to rescue your scrawny ass-"

"Hey!"

"-that was probably the strongest... feeling I've ever felt during a fight." He paused and scratched his head. "When I was thinking about whether or not I had feelings for you, I was thinking back to that fight, trying to think if I felt anything close to that. And I don't. But Renji's full of it up to his eyeballs."

Rukia suddenly felt the need to doodle Chappy diagrams for herself, just to see if she could grasp the situation with some semblance of clarity.

After watching Rukia stare off into space for a few seconds, Ichigo went back to scowling at his trig homework. He was on the verge of calling Ishida for help, which would be mortifying. Orihime was still third in the class, but that might even be worse. Oh sure, he could save her from the creepy desert that liked to take regular baths in bleach, but he can't even solve a freaking high school problem. If he knew Tatsuki, she was probably pulling her hair out right now, as well. Or at Orihime's. Was Mizuiro school smart? He couldn't remember. It would be worth a shot anyway, and-

"That fucking cocksucker!"

The shock sent his pencil flying out of his hand, landing on the other side of the room. He turned around to stare at the seething midget on his bed. Rukia didn't have a pristine mouth or anything, but he wasn't sure he'd ever heard her use language quite that colorful. And he wasn't sure 'cocksucker' was quite the word to use for Renji. More like pu-

"Abarai Renji, that..."

Ichigo felt his eyes grow even bigger as a string of insults came tumbling from her lips. He was sure his ears were burning a little. For all her natural grace and Kuchiki refinement, apparently she had learned a few interesting turns of phrase living as a street kid. He should have a recorder with him to blackmail her. Her precious nii-sama would not be happy.

When she was finished, she breathed in deeply and seemed to be have cooled down considerably.

"Better?"

"Much."

"That's great. So what was that all about?"

"You're too young to know."

Ichigo sneered at her.

She stood, chin high, back straight. The picture of nobility, once again. "Thank you for telling me, Ichigo. I have things to do. Good luck with your pointless squiggles."

Ichigo sighed and grunted and then she was off. A few seconds later, he felt both of their reiatsu disappear. He had a moment of pity for Renji, but then quickly decided the idiot probably deserved it for trying to become the local busybody matchmaker. He also made a quick mental note not to fall in love anytime soon. Clearly, it was far too much trouble and drama, and he had enough crap teetering on his plate as it was.

And then he quickly forgot about the whole situation when his phone lit up with Ishida's number. Now if he could just figure out a casual way to ask Ishida about the trig problem that wouldn't result in him being mocked with Quincy scorn. He had faced improbable odds before, he told himself.

Renji studied the back of his short friend on their return to Soul Society and the garden in the Kuchiki compound. She had not said a word except to order him to take her back. What had that carrot-top bastard done? Surely he hadn't rejected her. He was positive Ichigo returned Rukia's feelings. It was plain for all to see. The way they looked at each other was just... painful. No, that was Renji's personal feelings when he saw them gazing at each other all mushy-eyed. What it was was obvious romantic feelings. Destined lovers and all that.

So, why was Rukia so quiet? Was she just overjoyed and couldn't speak? She would probably turn around, eyes glistening with tears, and thank him for pushing her and bringing her and Ichigo together. And he would give her a big smile, tell her what were friends for, and tell his heart to stop its damned breaking noises.

She led them to a bench in the garden and sat down, gesturing that he do the same. He did, and waited with his hands gripping his knees.

"All right, Renji. I'm going to ask you questions, and you're going to give me straight answers, understood?"

Uh... "Yeah, understood."

"Why, exactly, do you think I am in love with Ichigo?"

"Well, I...uh..."

"Answers, Renji."

He cleared his throat, trying to gather his jumbled thoughts. "You gave him your powers, for one."

"I had barely known him for a few minutes, how could I all of a sudden fancy myself in love? What do you take me for? Lives were in danger, I did my duty as a shinigami. Protected the humans from a hollow. What else?"

"It's... just the way you look at him."

"And how, exactly, do I look at him?"

"All... soft and proud and shit."

"And shit. I see. Well, as I don't have a mirror attached to my head everywhere I go, I can't say much, but I imagine I give quite a few people soft, proud looks. Like Nii-sama, for instance. And you. What else?"

Renji was feeling rather confused at the moment, but he trudged on. To probably the most painful point. "He rescued you. Swooped in and saved you at the last moment like some goddamned avenging prince."

"He rescued me. I see. So Ichigo was the rescuing prince that came in and saved the day and so I, the princess in the tower, the sacrifice, the poor accused damsel in distress, of course would do the fairy tale thing and fall in love with him."

"Something like that."

There was silence for so long that Renji began to fidget nervously.

Finally, she spoke. "Do you think so little of me, Renji?"

His head whipped to the side, staring at her stoic profile. "What? What are you talking about?"

"Do you really think that I am some character from a shallow story with the depth of a paper doll that would swoon at some guy just because he rescued me?"

"He's not some guy," Renji muttered.

"No, you're right. He is a quality human who honors his debts and hold his friends dear, someone I am proud to call one of my closest friends. But I am not obligated to fall for any guy, friend or stranger, who saves the day. And what about you, Renji? Didn't you try to rescue me too?"

Renji flinched and looked in the opposite direction. "I failed."

"I see." She stood up and started slowly pacing in front of the bench. "So since Ichigo made better decisions and happened to have a little more mojo juice and made it to the finish line first to pull off the big grand gesture of saving the damsel, I must fall for him." She stopped in front of him and pointed. "That is repulsive!"

Renji blinked at her, and then she began pacing again.

"It's the equivalent of two men dueling for a woman's heart, neither having any thought or concern for what the woman's heart actually wants, but instead fighting and letting the stronger have the female as if she is some animal who will only breed with the strongest. Ugh!"

He was beginning to have the ominous feeling that he had done something very wrong and was going to have to do a lot of groveling.

"I am not a two-dimensional damsel in perpetual distress or a purely instinctual female beast. I am a fellow soldier. I thought you of all people knew that and respected me as an independent warrior, Renji. I am the knight in shining armor, damn it. I am Kuchiki Rukia and I will give my heart to whomever I please, and it will not be based on who sacrificed more for who or who saved me more times or in grander ways or anything else. This is not a game or a contest and I am not a goddamned prize!"

She punctuated the last word with a stomp of her foot as she came to a stop in front of him, glaring down at him.

"So... You're not in love with Ichigo."

"No."

"But Ichigo, he-"

"Is not in love with me. Not in the least."

"Oh."

"He even stopped to contemplate on the idea because it had never crossed his mind before. And while he was thinking, he was comparing it to..."

Renji looked up into her flashing violet eyes. "Comparing it to what?"

Rukia closed her eyes with a sigh, and then opened them again, looking at him with softness and exasperation. "Oh, Renji, you truly are the king of fools. I really don't know what to make of my heart's choice sometimes."

While Renji was trying to sort through her words, she stepped closer to him, in between his spread legs, firmly placed her small hands on either side of his face, and leaned down. It took Renji quite a few wasted seconds for it to fully sink in that Rukia was kissing him. On the mouth, no less.

Renji did not even have the chance to be shocked or fully absorb the feeling of her hands holding his face or her soft lips pressed firmly against his before she pulled away and stood in front of him, back straight, as if nothing had happened. Except he did notice a slight blush on her cheeks in the last lights of dusk.

She pointed her finger at him again. "Don't you dare push me away or let me go ever again. I thought we were past all that." Her index finger turned to tuck underneath her thumb and she flicked him hard on the forehead through his bandanna.

"Ow!"

"Hmph."

She spun on her heel and began to walk away, but Renji reached out and gently secured her wrist. She turned, eyes flashing again.

"What is it?"

"I... I'm not letting you go."

Her eyebrows rose.

"I know I've said that before, but... I'm sorry. For trying to push you around and not respecting you. And I'm sorry for letting you go even though I said I wouldn't. I just thought..."

Damn it. Renji frowned at his hand around her wrist. In the past, he had always just yelled and spouted off nonsense that he didn't mean when he didn't want to talk through all the crap. But he didn't do that anymore. They didn't do that anymore.

"Rukia, I..."

He was choking again.

With a heavy sigh, Rukia stepped in between his legs again. "Do I really have to do everything?"

She undid his hand from her wrist and leaned down until she was nearly level with his face again. He was distracted with her face inches from his, studying every tiny feature that he already knew by heart. And then her fingers were pressing into his cheeks right next to his mouth.

Rukia scowled deeper and lowered her voice, apparently imitating his, as she pressed in and out, comically manipulating his mouth. "Rukia, I love you." She dropped her hands and quirked her eyebrow. "See? Not so hard, is it?"

His mouth remained opened in a distorted O-shape for a moment before he cupped her face in his hands, pulling it down until his forehead was touching hers. With blurred vision, he stared into her big eyes. "Rukia, I love you."

Her eyes widened as her cheeks flushed and her hands reached up to tentatively wrap around his forearms. He gave her a lop-sided grin.

"Nah, it's not so hard, after all."

His lips found hers and he kissed her slowly, this time able to savor her touch. There was no hesitation on her part as she pressed closer with just the barest hint of desperation. After a while, he dragged his mouth away from hers and kissed her nose, her cheek, her forehead, and then hoarsely whispered her name before returning to her mouth, gently, slowly, wanting to take all the time in the world with her. Wanting to burn every second permanently into his memory.

When they finally pulled away, their foreheads touched again, their chests rising and falling. Rukia pulled her hands away from where they had ended up, holding the back of his head, and reluctantly stepped away, slipping from his grasp.

She cleared her throat as she turned around and started heading back to the spot where they had been having tea just a short while ago. "Come on, Renji. Let's finish our tea time. Make a fresh pot, will you?"

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