Hi!

This is a little one-shot, inspired by the ending of 4x24, it focuses on Deeks' thoughts.

(I don't really go into detail about the torture stuff, but a warning seems appropriate: don't read if you can't handle it!)

Loved the episode as a whole but of course THE kiss was one of the best moments! The ending was very powerful too, watching Sam watch Deeks…Waiting till September is NOT gonna be fun.

Oh and am I the only one who wouldn't mind a man who 'communicates' like Deeks does? XD

Leave a review please; love to hear what you think:)

It's one of those days.

There are days that you just know you'll remember, probably for the rest of your life. It's because of the good things or bad things that happen on those days. Things that change your life, change you. Deeks is pretty sure today is one of those days.

He's had them before, those days. He can remember all of them, of course. There's the day when he was a kid and had his first surfing lesson. The day his father had hit him for the first time. The day Ray gave him a .38 revolver so that he could protect himself and his mother with it.

The day he shot his own father with that revolver.

Graduating high school, Law school, the Police Academy.

Meeting Tracy when he was undercover as Jason Wyler.

The day he got shot and Hetty told him his father was dead.

And then, there was today. The day he finally acted on his 'thing' with Kensi, the day he gave in to his senses and just kissed her, like he should've done a long time ago. But it is also the day he thinks might be his last one.

Deeks didn't know, when he got up this morning, that it would be one of those days. He didn't know a day like this was coming when he was talking to Kensi right before she had to leave for Iran.

'Then say something you actually mean.'

Deeks thinks about those words. He thinks about how he remained silent after Kensi said them. It wasn't because he didn't have anything to say, it's because he didn't know that moment was probably his last chance to say something he actually meant. Deeks wishes he had known, because there was so much he had to say to her.

I'll miss you. I wish I could go with you, because if something happens to you and I'm not there, I'll never ever forgive myself. Please be safe, because I can't do all of this without you. You mean everything to me.

I love you.

Deeks is brought back to reality by excruciating pain, caused by the drill in his mouth. He knows the drilling only lasts a few seconds every time, but it seems like hours, days even, so insufferable is the pain that it causes.

Which is the point of torturing him that way, of course.

The drilling stops again, the pain doesn't though. Deeks opens his eyes and scans the room, instinctively searching for a way to escape even though the rational part of his brain knows there isn't one.

He can just barely make out Sam's form through the dirty windows before him. It's enough to fuel Deeks' fire again.

For a while anyway.

Seeing Sam makes him realize that he isn't alone in this hellhole. It also makes Deeks remember that it's not just for Sam that he can't tell Sidorov that Quinn's name is actually Michelle and that she's with the CIA. It's for Sam and Michelle and also for their kids. The kids Deeks himself met a few weeks ago, when he and Kensi volunteered to babysit. They were young and sweet and full of life; they don't deserve to lose their parents.

Because of that, he wants to keep his mouth shut, he really does. But as the amount of pain and the intensity of the torture increases, Deeks feels his resolve crumble a little bit. He is fighting an internal battle. Knowing that, if he tells the guys that captured them what they want to know, they'll probably kill Michelle. And Sam and him too, since they'll have gotten the piece of information they wanted and Sidorov won't need them anymore. On the other hand, there is the pain. And pain is a great motivator.

Deeks is pretty sure he screams when they use the drill again. It's hard to tell though; his heart is pounding so hard in his ears that he can't really register any other sounds. He's not sure how long he and Sam have been here, but at the moment it doesn't really matter because he needs to focus on not telling the sick bastards torturing him what they want to know.

There is only one solution, one word that his barely conscious, pain-filled, foggy mind can think of.

Kensi.

Just imagine it's Kensi and not Michelle who's the undercover agent. What would you do then?

The answer to that question is so simple that he could've come up with it in his sleep.

Everything.

Everything I can possibly do, everything that's needed to keep her safe.

That thought brings Deeks back to his childhood. To the days his father would get drunk every night before participating in his favorite sport: beating the crap out of his wife and son. When he was really young, he used to get scared when his father started drinking. When he got older, he was mostly just worried about his mother getting hurt; he was still scared, but protecting her seemed more important. He would start talking back at his father, taunting him so that the guy would focus on him instead of mom. It never failed to work.

He always was good at talking.

Deeks would get through it by focusing on this part of his mind that he referred to as his 'happy place'. His happy place was filled with all the things he loved and all the great memories he had, not that there were a lot of those, but it still worked for him. It would help him get through a beating without completely breaking down. Whenever he would be in pain, he would focus really hard on nothing but his happy place. So hard that he forced the memories to appear inside of his head. Most of them were about the beach and surfing. There were some good memories with his mother and with Ray. Deeks didn't know how it worked exactly, but it did, so he didn't question it. Right now, he thinks, maybe his happy place could be put to good use again.

Because there really is no way to escape this situation anymore. Deeks can't do anything but sit and get through it, so that is what he'll do. No matter how long it will last, no matter what they do to him. He has to take it, every denigrating comment, and every ounce of pain that they cause him.

Because telling them about Michelle isn't an option, it just isn't. So instead, Deeks tries to focus on getting to his happy place, because he knows from previous experience that it will help him get through this. Or at least, he hopes it will.

'Are you ready to talk now?' Sidorov's voice asks Deeks in a thick Russian accent, as the other guy walks to stand in front of Deeks to take the iron device, keeping him from shutting his mouth, out for a moment.

Deeks spits a mouthful of blood in the face of the guy in front of him, thinking that will probably help bring the message across.

'How's that for communication?' Deeks repeats the words he said to Kensi earlier that day and remembering that moment brings a little smile to his face.

He closes his eyes after that, preparing for the next wave of pain that he knows will hit him anytime now, as soon as Sidorov and his guy realize he's not going to answer the question this time either.

Deeks tries to shut out everything about this situation; the smell of the dirty little room, the sound of the drill and most importantly; the pain.

He soon discovers that the technique he used as a little boy still works. Deeks still feels the pain, and everything they do to him doesn't hurt less; it's more like the pain is somehow not as important as the thoughts and memories that occupy the happy place in his mind.

Sitting on his partners couch, drinking beer and eating take-out, secretly watching Kensi from the corner of his eye, as she watches whatever cheesy chick flick happens to be on the television that night.

Giving his beautiful partner a surfing lesson, celebrating that they've successfully closed a case.

The feeling of Kensi's warm, soft lips pressing against his.

The smell of her, that seems to follow him everywhere he goes.

Sunshine and gunpowder.

That is his happy place now.

Don't really know why I wrote this but I just had to get it out, plus I really admire Deeks. The other's on the team don't give him enough credit imo. What did you think? :)