Piloting

Hunting, the greatest sport known to man.

Android 17, cold, slightly wet, dirty and tired, bored and lonely in the woods, forcefully repeated this to himself.

Hunting was the only time when man was one with nature.

He threw his shotgun, and hit a bear on the head with it.

Hunting was the only way one could truly know himself, and, the world around him.

17 caught a deer in a half Nelson head lock, and choked it out.

After all, other than Hunting, where could a man really test his will to survive? To do whatever it takes?

Three squirrels came running across a branch. 17 responded by puffing his cheeks up... and then spitting three times. They were clean shots.

Hunting... was.. really freaking boring..

17 carefully piled his catches together, and began dragging their stinking carcasses to his home.. even though he already had more 'trophies' jammed in his deep freeze then he could eat in two months of binging...

… What the hell was he doing, he had to ask himself. When had his life become this?

It was safe to say, in this moment for the former killer android, life sucked quite a bag of dicks.

How had it turned out like this? He wasn't quite sure. He had come back from Cell, and everyone was suddenly way stronger than him, so he thought, "Hey, I'll go ahead and hide out for a bit". To avoid getting annihilated by a vengeful Vegeta or an enterprising young Gohan, you follow?

That 'bit' had gone from a couple weeks to a few years in no time... and he was losing it. He had nobody to talk to or rely on. 18 had married one of them, friggin Krillin, and even had had a kid. And 16 was just gone...

17 was all alone, and caught in a rut... things were starting to get to him... a cold desperation was setting in, and all these dead animals weren't filling the void in his life...

He wasn't sure how long he could keep up this self destructive lifestyle. Caught between pride and more pride, he was lost and in desperate need of a way out..

Splat.

At that moment, some kind of projectile exploded on his chest.

17 put his face in his palm, not because he realized it was a red paint balloon, but because he realized how elated he had been thinking it had been an energy attack.

Dear god, was he really at the point where one of the Z fighters assaulting him was a pleasant happenstance?

"Fur is murder!" one of the many freaks standing in front of him shouted through a megaphone.

"It's freaking cotton!" 17 yelled, tugging at his ruined shirt.

What the hell was this? A PETA meeting in the woods?

Among the half ass protestors, were a few forest rangers, and they chose then to approach him, and slap the cuffs on him.

"Son, it is not hunting season." the grizzly older man growled, "And even if it was, I don't see any permits, not for animals, or these guns!"

"Is this a joke?" 17 exclaimed, as they confiscated his shotgun and pistol, "I thought this was an unregulated region, when did that change? I live out here for crying out loud! And why the hell did you drag these tree huggers out here to get me?"

"We've been looking for you for a while, you're quite the legendary poacher," the ranger smirked, as him and his partner began to drag him along, "Thought we'd make a spectacle of it since we finally caught you red handed!"

"Well, aren't you a peach." 17 seethed through his teeth.

They dragged him through the crowd, letting him get a good ear full from the chumps.

"Monster! Animal killer! Forest Raper! You're kida cute!"

17's face crinkles up in disgust, mostly at the fat hairy guy who uttered that last comment, but also, he was losing his temper.

"Alright, I think I've had just about enough of this boys," 17 sighed, charismatically to the rangers dragging him along by either arm, "I think it's time you learned who you're messing with!"

17 grinned with unbridled malice.

….

The jail door slammed shut in front of 17's face. He then promptly began rattling the bars.

"I want my phone call, and I want my lawyer. I'm innocent. Right to bear arms, assholes!"

17 smiled to himself, this was slightly more interesting than gutting squirrels, he had to admit. At least, he thought so before the nausea of self disgust set in.

What the hell was he doing? He should have given those rangers and freaks a well earned beating, or a nice and deadly explosion at least... but instead he had opted to get carted down here to the old jailhouse...

His malaise really was quite profound, if he was willing to put up with this crap. It was as if anything was cool, as long as it was a change of pace.

"Howdy pretty lady," a very surly looking man in the cell with him, who decided to reveal himself then, slathered out and approaching him in a creepy manner, "How'd you like to bob's my uncle?"

17's malaise was suddenly cured.

"I got your lady right here," 17 growled as his shin made a good attempt to rend the man in half, "Good luck ever peeing while standing again in this life."

The man collapsed, and the entire ranger station joined him, as an android made his way back to freedom with a vengeance.

Something about getting hit on by hillbillies, was the straw that broke 17's back

The former greatest power in the entire world? Why should he stand for this crap? It was time to get busy living, or get busy dieing!

… Well, the point was, 17 was miserable, and he couldn't deny it anymore. When getting thrown in jail with freaks was an exciting and interesting day, he knew something had to change.

No matter the cost.

…

Capsule Corp, 1900 hours;

It was quiet, too quiet. Or maybe just quiet enough, who's to say?

The Vegeta was in the pantry... repeat, the vegetable was steaming himself in the room he screamed about his prince-hood and obsession with Goku, and sometimes did pushups in.

The Bulma was out... and nobody else that mattered could possibly stop him!

Like a ninja from the future... a future android ninja if you will, 17 entered the building like a light breeze... if walls were open windows in this theoretical world we're talking about.

Come on, he was still himself after all.

Alarms and screaming filled the air, as 17 barreled his way through the building and into Bulma and Vegeta's bedroom. 17 didn't worry about the noise, as he happened to know Vegeta's training room was sound proof. Even Bulma had eventually tired of the "I will surpass Kakarot" monologues, after all. He had plenty of time.

He was also... pretty sure...

17 began rifling through drawers on their bureau... yes, he was pretty sure... yes!

17 unearthed a red thong.

"Daring." he commented, nodding approvingly, then cringed, "I really hope this isn't Vegeta's."

17 then set the underwear aside and continued to scour the area... until he finally found it!

"Yes!"

"What are you doing in my parents room?"

A young Trunks growled.

17 blinked in surprise... trying to remember how strong this kid was or wasn't...

Just super saiyan? Something more, or not?

"... I'm the cable guy."

"You look more like 18's brother." he growled back, "Steeling the dragon radar."

17 blinked again, realizing he had been holding the device up this entire time

"You know what this is?" 17 exclaimed

"Of course, I've already used it even!"

"Boy, are you clever," 17 smiled, "Then, perhaps, can you tell me what these are?"

A red thong smacked the boy in the face.

Screams, explosions, and an ended childhood accompanied 17's Scott free escape from the Brief household. And he wouldn't have it any other way.

The Greatest Android Who Ever Lived was back!

…

What followed next was an epic adventure of daring do for our hero. He braved the wilds, the desert, the oceans, and even climbed a mountain or two, all in his pursuit of the seven magical wish granting balls.

He encountered a cute girl warrior,

"I'll slit your throat you dirty cat burglar, give back Gohan's hat!" Chi Chi screamed, chasing the android out of her house.

Befriended a communist pig,

"Hey porker, I'll give you a pair of Bulma's panties for the dragon ball they got stashed here."

"Been there done that, pretty boy," Oolong shot back.

"Then how about ChiChi's then?" 17 asked, producing a pair or white ones.

Met with a old Hermit,

"Hey, were the hell are you going with that dragonball!" Master Roshi exclaimed.

Sweat rolled down Oolong's face, who was in the process of handing the ball out the window to the trader.

"Sir," 17 interrupted, "Could I interest you in a pair of stolen women's underwear?"

Bested a desert bandit,

"Ow, that really hurt you jerk!" Yamcha exclaimed, massaging his head vigorously.

"Well, you should have just took the panties." 17 responded, examining the newly acquired ball.

"I'm a professional baseball player, I can actually get dates, what the hell do I need underwear for!?"

And defeated a green midget in a game of wits,

"You have become short and pathetic, Piccolo!"

"I'm not Piccolo, you jackass!" Dende exclaimed, trying to give chase, "And stop making fun of my height, I'm still growing!"

Dende paused for a moment.

"And bring back that ball you thief!"

All in his quest to grant his one heartfelt wish! Also, he found three other dragonballs in exchanges that were neither memorable nor funny.

Anyways, long story short, he had all 7 before sun up.

...

"Whew." 17 sighed, admiring his prize.

He had picked a nice secluded place, where he was sure he could make his wish before any annoying Z fighters could pop in to interrupt him before he was finished. He was good to go! It was time to claim immortality, to make himself an unrivaled god!...

The seven orbs were pulsing with energy, it was quite a sight. And getting them had been one hell of a thrill! 17 had to admit he hadn't felt so good since before he had learned Cell was a thing, he was ecstatic, to put it lightly.

Conning and jobbing all those maroons? He was in heaven... and, he wanted it to continue! It was just like the old days!

… Except there was something very big missing...

He couldn't deny it, he was desperately missing the company of his road crew. This was fun, but wouldn't it be so much funner to mess with these jerks with some friends? Some of the best friends a man had ever had? All he had been able to think about this entire time, was how funny they would find this, or how would they react to this, and so on.

18...

But those roads were closed to him, even with the dragon balls power. It was useless to dwell on it...

17 sighed bitterly.

"Arise, Shenron." he called out monotonously."

Perhaps the most half hearted summoning of the dragon there had ever been, but, it was enough. In all his spectacular glory, Shenron burst from the balls, and in moments, blacked out the sky with his otherworldly aura...

And even that didn't do much for 17, he was too hung up on his dilemma.

"Choose your words carefully, I will grant your wishes!"

"Ugh.." 17 groaned, second guessing himself, "I.. I wish for the Ultimate-..."

He hesitated... Ultimate power right? Immortality? Then it wouldn't matter how strong his opponents were, he'd be unstoppable!... Able to do whatever he wanted ..

But what was the point...

"What's wrong, why won't you finish your wish?" the dragon roared impatiently.

17 shrugged, how did he answer that question? He couldn't silence the doubt in him. He suddenly thought about the dumb Z warriors he hated so much. Whom he had all basically assaulted just getting this together. They all had friends and loved ones. Trunks would go to his parents, ChiChi would whine to Goku, Yamcha to Tein, Diet Piccolo to Piccolo classic, and so on and so forth. In fact, the whole group were brothers in arms, each and every one. Like one giant family. They could all rely on each other...

But who did he have? Even 18 was theirs now. They had taken everything from him. His entire...

"What's the matter?" Shenron growled with impatience.

"It's just... Family, you know?"

"Your wish is granted!"

The dragon's eyes glowed red, and 17 had an aneurism.

""What the hell?! What wish!"

At that, the dragon seemed to grin. 17 wondered if he imagined it.

"You wished for the Ultimate... Family!"

17 stared back in horror.

"You ridiculous green fever dream of a nutty and even greener alien, what the hell is the matter with you! Ultimate family? What kind of wish is that!"

"I said to choose your words carefully, didn't I? Blame yourself!" Shenron answered.

"I blame you!" 17 shouted back.

… The Ultimate Family?

17 felt his stomach grow cold... what a shameful and pathetic wish.. what could the side effects of something so... stupid, possibly be? He kinda wished his bomb was still in place, just so he could escape what was going to happen.

… What was going to happen?! Was some woman going to appear, claiming he had impregnated her? Was that the simplest way this stupid wish could come to fruition?

"17!"

"Oh god," 17 seethed.

He had called it!

He spun around... then he saw who called him, and he dropped to his knees.

He gagged, "18...! Tell me it isn't so!"

"What?"

17 paused, suddenly realizing how dumb the idea he was having was.

"Eh, nothing..."

He rose, awkwardly...thinking things over. A wish for family, and here was 18... that was probably the whole wish...

"What a gyp." 17 commented to himself, shaking his head in disappointment.

Then he slapped a hand over his mouth. He wasn't disappointed this was the entire wish, was he? As if, he had wanted more?

"17.. what's the matter with you?" 18 asked, with a concerned look on her face and in an exasperated tone, "I haven't seen you in years, and out of the blue, you're messing with the Z fighters and trying to summon the dragon?"

17 recomposed himself... 18 was here, he couldn't be so... open right now... he had to handle her at arms length...

"... What are you doing here, 18?"

He tried to sound nonchalant... he tried as hard as he could.

"You're busting up every one's houses, causing all sorts of trouble."

"I don't remember going to your house. How's this your problem?"

17 smirked at his cool statement. 18 returned a deep frown instead.

"Because you're my brother!"

17's eyes widened.

"So they're all coming to me to yell about you!"

17 sighed. What the hell was he expecting?

"So sorry to be such a burden. God knows I didn't want to darken your perfect little life."

"Don't be like that."

"Like what 18?" 17 growled, he didn't want to have this conversation, but since it was being thrown right in front of his face, why not, "Is my existence really such a problem for you?"

"How can you go out of your way to avoid me like the plague, but still act like I abandoned you!"

17 paused, a bit blind sided by that one...

"I just don't want to get in the way of your stupid... Krilllin family!"

"Is it really my choice in husband that bothers you, 17, or that I have any man at all?"

"Oh there it is, isn't it!" 17 roared back, "I can't just be mad that you're sleeping with the enemy, I must want you for myself, right?"

"I didn't say that!"

"Like hell you didn't!"

"Guys, quit fighting."

"Mind your own-!"

The clunky metallic voice had 17 and 18 stop in the tracks of their sibling squabble. But looking over to see who said it had them forgetting the argument entirely.

"No freaking way..."

17 couldn't believe his eyes.

"16," 18 seethed, "Is that really you?"

"Affirmative." 16 said, with a bright smile.

17 was... suddenly so moved, he couldn't contain himself.

"16, you beautiful ginger bastard, where the hell have you been!?" 17 flew up to him and promptly gave the giant a noogie. The only action he could think of in such a situation.

"I was enjoying non existence, until I was rudely interrupted," the giant android joked.

"You wished him back, 17?"18 asked, smiling so warmly, "That's so awesome!"

And then, she suddenly flew up and hugged him and 16's head.

… 17 wasn't used to such a friendly atmosphere... it had been quite a while since the last time he was 'awesome'. It was going straight to his head.

"But I don't get it, I thought the dragon balls didn't resurrect people who have been dead for more than a year?"

"16 is an android. He isn't truly alive, so he can't truly die. The same rules do not apply." Shenron suddenly explained.

18 gave 17 another approving look... she didn't know this was all some strange accident wish coming together right in front of their eyes... 17 wondered what she'd think if she found out this just happened while he was trying to wish for immortality. In fact, he began to wonder if there were deeper repercussions to his wish...

And then he suddenly laughed. What did he care? Everything was awesome again! Why look a gift horse in the mouth?

"Well whatever. All I know is everything's the way it should be again! Let's go party guys!"

"Yes." 16 nodded.

17 was already ready to lead the way to some mischief, when he was stopped.

"No, wait, not me." 18 held up her hands, "I'm glad you're back 16, and we should definitely do something... but it's late, and I have a family at home. It'll have to wait til tomorrow."

17 blinked, turning around. She was still one of 'them' first, huh? Even after all this? Was this the limits of the dragon's power?

"Come on 18, that didn't stop you from coming out here in the first place! 16 is alive, we gotta party now!"

"For your information, I came out here because the Z senshi busted down my door and ordered me to bring you and that radar back, or not to bother returning home! They're really mad, 17."

"Oh, alright then." 17 said, smashing the radar to bits.

18 stared back in a mix of shock and rage. 17 didn't give her a chance to react.

"Alright now let's go have a real family reunion!"

And then, something unexpected happened.

"You said it nephew!" a strange man wrapped a hand around 17's shoulder. To whom he snapped back on like he was a Cell doppelganger.

But whoever it was, reacted in time and deftly blocked it...

"Who the hell are you you, ya creepy old dude!"

17 exclaimed, 18 and 16 were immediately at his sides, ready to back him up.

"Hey Hey Hey now boy, you mind your tongue, I ain't so old!" he said, "And check your eyes boy, I'm your dear Uncle, Android 13!"

17 stared back, mouth agape.

Did he just call himself his 'Uncle'?

The wish...

"What are you talking about, Dr. Gero dismantled all the Androids before us!" 18 growled, "And if so, why would you choose now to show yourselves..."

18 glared at 17 at that point... he could see she had already seen through the 'save old 16' wish assumption he had let her make.

"What can I say young lady? I'm tougher to kill than a slack jawed mule!"

13 then laughed quite obnoxiously at his own joke.

"What the hell does that even mean!?"

"And so are my compatriots," 13 continued, ignoring her, "14 and 15!"

As he said that, a small and large android approached from the darkness.

The little guy approached and shook 17's hand.

"What's up cuz? I'm 15."

The large android walked up, and hugged him.

"Father!" 14 yelled.

"Get the hell off me you moron!" 17 exclaimed, shoving him away.

16 frowned.

"These units existence is highly suspicious..." he looked at 17, "My data shows conclusive confirmation of their dismantling."

"17," 18 seethed, "What did you really wish for?"

17 was frozen.

"Now boy, ain't this sweet? We all just one big happy family now!"

17 was speechless, as 13's chuckling filled the air. 18 and 16 were mad at him, along with the entirety of the Z fighters. And now he had these three weirdos to contend with.

He glared up at the dragon in disdain. That stupid wish he made...if it could do something this annoying, how far might it go...?

"... You have another wish-" Shenron said, as if baiting him.

… He had been right the first time!

"I wish for ultimate power!"