NIBIRU - CLASS M PLANET.
Angry Tribe: THIEVES!
Kirk: RUNAWAY!
Dr McCoy: I hate everything.
Kirk: I know you do. :)
STARFLEET SHUTTLE
Spock: *suits up*
Uhura: I think I should go into that volcano instead.
Spock: That's illogical, I...
Uhura: *smooch*
Spock: ...will shut up.
Sulu: I hate to interrupt but the shuttle's engines are rather toasty so...
Spock: Understood. *jumps*
A few moments later...
Sulu: Captain, the shuttle's all fried up and Spock is about to get BBQ'ed.
Kirk: Awesome. Bones, funny story...
Dr McCoy: I still hate everything, mostly you.
Kirk: Okay, now jump.
Dr McCoy: FUUUUCCCKKKK!
Kirk & Dr McCoy: *become the little mermaid*
The Enterprise: *is underwater*
Scotty: Do you even understand how ridiculous this is?
The Audience: *agree*
Kirk: *runs to the bridge and hails Spock*
Spock: Fear not, Captain, I have everything under control.
Kirk: You're in the middle of an active volcano!
Spock: Yes, I know where I am Captain, there's no need to...
Kirk: I'm coming to get you.
Spock: Prime Directive states that...
Kirk: Screw that.
The Enterprise: *raises from the sea in a very spectacular manner*
The Angry Tribe & The Audience: *crap their pants*
Spock: *is rescued*
The Volcano: *is cockblocked by a giant ice cube*
The Movie: STARTS.
LONDON, 2258
ROYAL CHILDREN HOSPITAL
Little Girl: *is dying*
Father: *is desperate*
John Harrison/Khan: I can help. *evil smirk*
Little Girl: *survives*
Father: *does not*
London City Center: *is blown up*
The Audience: so, things haven't changed that much then...
SAN FRANCISCO, 2258
KIRK'S APPARTMENT
Menage à Trois: *is happening*
Kirk: My life rocks.
Pager: I'm here to ruin your fun.
Kirk: This makes me sad.
Kitty Twins: It makes us sad too.
STARFLEET HQ
Kirk: Spock, we're totes getting the 5 year mission.
Spock: I fail to share your optimism, Captain.
Kirk: Come on, everything's dandy and nothing can go wrong.
Pike: Kirk, Spock's report was slightly more accurate than yours.
Kirk: Oh, fuck me.
Spock: Really?
Millions of fangirls around the planet: DO IT DO IT DO IT!
Pike: Anyway, Admiral Marcus said you were naughty so, no ship for you. Also, you're demoted.
Kirk: This meeting went differently in my head.
SAN FRAN BAR
Kirk: *gets drunk*
Pretty Girl: *is flirty*
Pike: I'm here to ruin your fun.
Kirk: This has happened before.
Pike: Jim, I know that life sucks right now but, I believe in you. You know I do.
Kirk: *is emotionally compromised*
Pike: Also, Marcus has given the Enterprise back to me...
Kirk: Good luck with your XO, you're gonna need it.
Pike: Spock's been transferred. I want you to be my XO.
Kirk: I don't know what to say.
Pike: That's a first. :)
Pager: *calls them both*
STARFLEET HQ
Spock: Captain!
Kirk: It's Commander, thanks to you.
Spock: I'm Vulcan, I can't lie: I strongly dislike my new CO.
Kirk: Awww, I'm going to miss you.
Spock: ...
Kirk: Why do I even bother?
All COs and XOs: *sit down around a round table*
King Arthur: I did that first.
Adm Marcus: So, essentially, we're dealing with a genetically modified Jason Bourne on steroids called John Harrison who might or might not be Khan. *hint: he is*
All COs and XOs: Brilliant.
Kirk: *is playing ST:XII The Videogame*
Adm Marcus: Kirk, anything you'd like to share with the class?
Pike: Sorry, I'm still potty-training him.
Adm Marcus: It's cool, he's cute so, amuse me, what are you thinking about?
Kirk: Well, I was just thinking we're about to...
John Harrison/Khan: *fires everything*
Kirk: ...get blown up.
Pike: This makes me unhappy, also, I'm dying.
Spock: *mindmelds*
Kirk: *cries*
The Audience: *are surprised it took this long for them to cry too*
The Morning After...
Scotty: Captain, remember when I told you it was a bad idea to share my transwarp beaming equation?
Kirk: Yes?
Scotty: It was a terrible, very bad idea. Harrison/Khan is now at the Klingon Resort of Kronos.
Spock: That's unfortunate.
Kirk: I want revenge, I will go after him.
Spock: That's ALSO unfortunate.
Kirk: Admiral Marcus, I want, in this order: my ship back, Spock as my XO and go after Harrison/Khan.
Spock: That's...
Scotty: Unfortunate?
Spock: No, I was going to say convenient.
Kirk: To the Enterprise we go!
Dr McCoy: I still hate everything but that poor ship needs someone sane onboard.
STARFLEET SHUTTLE
Carol 'Wallace': Captain, I'm your new unrequested science officer.
Spock: I am highly suspicious.
Kirk: I should be suspicious too but you're cute so, take a seat.
Spock: *pouts*
The Audience: awwww, he's jealous!
USS Enterprise - Cargo Bay
Spock: Captain, I would like to continue making my point that Doctor Wallace is...
Kirk: Report to the bridge.
Spock: But I...
Kirk: That's an order.
Spock: *is sad*
Kirk: What are those torpedoes doing in here?
Scotty: That's what I'd like to know but this wee guy here says it's...
Wee Guy: ...confidential.
Carol: Did I mention I'm a weapons expert?
Kirk: Oh, really?
Carol: Not that kind of weapons.
Kirk: :(
Scotty: Anyway, we cannot keep them here, they might be dangerous for the ship.
Kirk: Yeah, because the huge stash of whisky you have hidden in Engineering is safe.
Scotty: I fail to see your point.
Kirk: Sign the cargo or else...
Scotty: What are you going to do? Kick me out of the ship?
Kirk: Now you mention it...
Scotty: ...bugger. Keenser, let's go and get drunk at a dodgy bar.
Keenser: ...
Kirk: *is sad*
USS Enterprise - The Elevator
Uhura: Having a bad day, Captain?
Kirk: Worse, I just fired Scotty and our boyfriend is being an ass. Sorry, that was unappropriate.
Uhura: You kidding me? He is an ass, and let me tell you, this morning we had an epic argument and I told him that at the next Pon Farr, he'd better forget I exist.
Kirk: Wait, what?
Uhura: Oh, look at the time, gotta go, tee hee.
Elevator: *arrives at destination*
Uhura: *fiercely glares at Spock*
Spock: ...
Kirk: Are those pointy ears toasty?
Spock: ...
USS Enterprise - The Bridge
Kirk: Mr Chekov!
Chekov: *is adorable*
Kirk: I'm not sure if you know anything about Engineering but you're adorable and Russian.
Chekov: The Russian inwented Engineering.
Kirk: I'm sure they did, now go and put a red shirt on, you're our new Chief Engineer.
Chekov: I chose a bad day to quit drinking wodka.
Kirk: Mr Sulu, take us out!
Sulu: Aye, aye, Captain!
Kirk: Attention crew, this is the Captain speaking. Admiral Marcus has ordered us to go and blow half of Klingon territory and kill Harrison/Khan until he's dead. I have decided that's not a good plan since it would make this movie very short so, we'll go and capture him instead. Let's get that son of a bitch! Kirk out.
Spock: *looks immensely proud*
Kirk: *grins*
Everyone else on the bridge: *wishes those two got a room*
Millions of fangirls around the planet: *preferrably at a motel in Iowa*
A little later...
Kirk: So Away Team: Me and Spock. Also, Uhura because she can speak Klingon. Is that going to be a problem?
Uhura: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Spock: I am uncertain.
Kirk: Awesome.
Random Red Shirts: *are there*
Kirk: Guys, bit of advice, if you wanna make it back, lose those shirts.
USS Enterprise - The Bridge
Sulu: *sits at the Captain's chair*
The Audience: *smiles knowingly*
Sulu: This is Captain Hikaru 'Badass' Sulu: John Harrison/Khan, surrender yourself or I'll go and get my fold-up katana and fire ALL the torpedoes we have pointed at you.
Dr McCoy: Remind me to never piss you off.
Sulu: *smirks*
QO'NOS - Klingon Territory
Kirk: So we're just going to land and...
Klingon Warbird: *says hi*
Kirk: ...on second thoughts, let's get the hell out of here.
Klingon Warbird's Mates: *join the party*
Kirk/Spock/Uhura: Buggeration.
Klingon Baddie: *speaks Klingon*
Uhura: They're telling us to land or they'll give you both a Brazilian with supernova hot wax.
Kirk/Spock: Landing sounds like a good plan.
Uhura: Before you boys do something stupid, I'll go there and be the fierce xenolinguist that I am.
Kirk: I've always said you had a talented tongue.
Spock: Wait, what?
Uhura: *goes out and tells the Klingon leader that there's a human out there who thinks those piercings make him look fat*
Klingon Leader: *loses his shit*
Harrison/Khan: *kills every Klingon in sight*
Kirk: YOU!
Harrison/Khan: I'm missing 72 'torpedoes', I'm willing to surrender to anyone who helps me find them.
Spock: What a happy coincidence.
Harrison/Khan: Okay, I'm yours.
Kirk: *punches him over and over and over and over till his arm goes weak*
Harrison/Khan: Careful or you'll ruin my fabulous hair.
Kirk: I hate you.
Spock: My intuition tells me that I just acquired another rival for my Captain's affections.
Uhura: I've always thought you were a smart guy.
USS Enterprise - The Brig
Dr McCoy: Let me get some blood that might or might not become a plot point.
Harrison/Khan: Help yourself, meanwhile I'll stare some more at The Captain.
Spock: Jim, I suggest we keep you at a safe distance from this dangerous criminal.
Kirk: Spock, you never let me have any fun!
Harrison/Khan: *charms the pants out of Kirk by being a crazy badass*
Kirk: I think I'm in love.
Spock: *pouts*
USS Enterprise - Engineering
Chekov: Keptin, the warp core is broken, but I didn't do anything to it! I swear!
Kirk: Don't worry, I believe you. You're too adorable to do anything wrong.
Chekov: I'll fix it, I promise!
Kirk: *pats him on his head, also, he calls Scotty*
Scotty: If it isn't Mr James Tiberius 'Perfect Hair' Kirk! *direct quote*
Kirk: Scotty, for the love of St Andrew, go to these coordinates and find what's going on there.
Scotty: Why should I do that? You fired me!
Kirk: I know, but you left the ship without taking your whisky.
Scotty: Well played, sir, well played. Okay, Keenser, off we go.
Keenser: ...
JUPITER - KICKASS MEGASTRUCTURE
Scotty & Keenser: *sneak, sneak, sneakety, sneak*
USS Vengeance: *is there*
Scotty: Holy sh-
RANDOM PLANETOID
Dr McCoy: You know Jim, when I asked you to send me to an exotic planet with a gorgeous woman, this is NOT what I had in mind.
Kirk: Come on, dismantling torpedoes with Carol might be fun!
Dr McCoy's arm: *is trapped*
Kirk: Or not.
Carol: Screw finesse! *pulls ALL the wires out of the torpedo*
Torpedo: *is a cryo-cell*
Carol/Dr McCoy: *freak out*
Kirk: Admiral Marcus has a lot of explaining to do.
USS Enterprise - The Bridge
Kirk: Okay, the ship's almost fixed and we can...
USS Vengeance: *is fucking massive*
Kirk: ...crap ourselves in our pants. Like so.
Uhura: We're being hailed.
Adm Marcus: Kirk a little bird tells me that Harrison/Khan is still not murdered. Who's been a naughty boy again?
Kirk: Let's get the fuck out of here.
Sulu: *doesn't need to be told twice*
Warp Tunnel - Open from 9 to 5
USS Enterprise: Runaway!
USS Vengeance: Not so easy *fires at the Enterprise*
USS Enterprise: *is hit out of warp*
USS Enterprise - The Bridge
Kirk: This is unfair, they're not playing by the rules!
Spock: If the situation wasn't so dire, I'd point out the irony of your affirmation.
Adm Marcus: You really think you could get away from me?
Kirk: I had to try...
Adm Marcus: Bitch please, I was blowing shit up before your parents were born.
Kirk: That explains a lot.
Carol: Daddy, your destroying this ship will make me unhappy.
Kirk: Wait, daddy?
Adm Marcus: This situation has an easy solution.
Carol: *gets beamed to the USS Vengeance*
Kirk: What the fuck just happened?
Spock: About that…
USS Vengeance: *prepares to fire*
Scotty: *has rebooted the system*
Adm Marcus: Well, this is inconvenient.
Scotty: Captain, guess what I found at the coordinates you gave me?
Kirk: Did I mention recently that I love you lots?
Spock: Captain, is there anyone who does not partake of your affections?
Kirk: What can I say, I'm a generous guy.
Spock: I give up.
Scotty: So, like I was saying, sadly this ship isn't running Novell so the reboot won't take long.
Kirk: Got it, I'm going to come up with a plan.
Scotty: That's what I was afraid you'd do.
Spock: That makes two of us.
Uhura: Three.
Kirk: Guys, you really need to work on your faith towards me.
Scotty/Spock/Uhura: We have none!
Kirk: That hurts. Anyway, I'm off to talk to Harrison/Khan about teaming up with me.
Scotty/Spock/Uhura: We rest our case.
USS Enterprise - Medical Bay
Kirk: Bones, what are you doing to that poor DEAD tribble?
Dr McCoy: I'm injecting some of Khan's blood to see what happens.
Kirk: Whatever makes you happy, Bones. Khan, would you like to jump from this ship to the USS Vengeance with no aid except a fancy suit?
Harrison/Khan: Boy, would I!
Kirk: Okay, off we go!
Harrison/Khan: *smiles adoringly*
USS Vengeance - Cargo Bay
Scotty: *runs like a pro*
Gate: *is tiny*
Scotty: Captain, this thing is like jumping from a moving car off a bridge into a shot glass.
Kirk: Oh that's easy, I've done it before.
Harrison/Khan: You really lead a very interesting life.
Kirk: You have NO idea.
USS Enterprise - The Bridge
Spock: Uhura, connect me with New Vulcan.
Uhura: Yes, Sir.
Spock Prime: Mr Spock.
Spock: Mr Spock
The Audience: We have a headache.
Dr McCoy: Me too.
Spock: I'm troubling you to enquire you about your time line.
Spock Prime: Spock, I told you that it was against my beliefs to...
Spock: Khan.
Spock Prime: Oh, right...that's quite a story I have for you!
USS Vengeance - Cargo Bay:
Scotty: *gets caught*
Security Guy: What are you doing here?'
Scotty: Funny story...I got my arm wrapped around this hose and I thought, why not press this big red button?
Gate: *opens*
Security Guy: *gets sucked out*
Kirk & Harrison/Khan: *get sucked in*
Scotty: Success!
More Security Guys: We disagree!
Harrison/Khan: You're dead!
More Security Guys: *die*
USS Vengeance - The Bridge
Adm Marcus: Why do I feel like I'm about to die?
Harrison/Khan: Because you are.
Adm Marcus: *dies*
Carol's Leg: *is broken*
Kirk's Neck: *is strangled*
The Audience: Wow, we almost thought this wasn't going to happen in this movie!
Spock: Khan, I might be able to formulate an interesting proposal.
Harrison/Khan: Your ideas intrigue me.
Spock: We will return the TORPEDOES to your ship if you promise to leave ours alone.
Harrison/Khan: You lie!
Spock: Vulcans do not lie, we will return the TORPEDOES to you.
Harrison/Khan: Okay, we have a deal.
Spock: *does not smirk because he's too Vulcan for that*
The TORPEDOES: *are beamed onboard the USS Vengeance*
The Cryo-Cells: *are hidden at the USS Enterprise Medical Bay*
Harrison/Khan: Kirk, it's not you, it's me. It wouldn't have worked.
Kirk: But...
Harrison/Khan: Return to the Enterprise after all, NO SHIP SHOULD GO DOWN WITHOUT HER CAPTAIN!
Kirk/Carol/Scotty: *are beamed out of the USS Vengeance*
USS Enterprise: *is screwed*
The TORPEDOES: *detonate inside the ship*
Harrison/Khan: Never trust a Vulcan! :(
Kirk: I know, right?
USS Enterprise: *reminds everyone she's still screwed*
Kirk & Scotty: *run to Engineering*
Chekov: *saves the day by being the most adorable badass this side of the galaxy*
Warp Core: *is broken beyond repair*
Scotty: The ship's dead, sir!
Kirk: No, she's not.
Scotty: But, Captain...
Kirk: I'm going to pull a Jeremy Clarkson, BRB.
Scotty: This won't end well.
USS Enterprise - Warp Core Chamber
Kirk: I suddenly feel radioactive.
Warp Core: *looks awesome*
Kirk: Okay, let's fix this: how hard can it be?
Several hundred kicks later...
Kirk: If only I had a hammer...
Warp Core: *finally realigns*
Kirk: *gets blown away by the energy pulse*
USS Enterprise: *is suddenly less screwed*
USS Vengeance: *crashes against San Francisco*
San Francisco citizens: Why is it always us?
USS Enterprise - The Bridge
Sulu: It's a miracle!
Spock: There's no such thing as miracles.
Scotty: Mr Spock, you better get down here.
Spock: *runs like hell*
USS Enterprise - Warp Core Chamber
Kirk: I've looked worse.
Spock: I do not doubt that but...
Kirk: I need to tell you something, I saved you because...
Spock: You're my friend, I know.
Kirk: Friend, yes, that's what we are, friends. Just friends.
Millions of fangirls around the planet: *smile knowingly*
Kirk: Anyway, that thing you did with the torpedoes...
Spock: I just did what you would have.
Kirk: Think of an awesome plan?
Spock: No, cheat and lie.
Kirk: Your bedside manners are worse than Bones'
Spock: I do not understand.
Kirk: *dies*
Spock's Berserk Button: *is pressed*
Harrison/Khan: *is doomed*
Uhura: *is fierce*
SAN FRANCISCO
Harrison/Khan: *glides down a building from a crashed ship like a boss*
Spock: *is beamed to SF Downtown*
Epic Chase Scene: *happens*
Spock: YOU KILLED MY FRIEND. PREPARE TO DIE.
Harrison/Khan: Who knew? Vulcans can actually kick my ass.
USS Enterprise - Medical Bay
Kirk: *is dead* :(
Tribble: *is alive* :)
Dr McCoy: Methinks someone should go down there and prevent a Khanicide.
Uhura: *goes*
SAN FRANCISCO
Uhura: Spock, could you please refrain from murdering the only chance of reviving our dear Captain?
Spock: Since you're asking so nicely.
Harrison/Khan: Oh, thank goodness, I thought you were going to knock me out or something.
Spock: *knocks him out*
STARFLEET HOSPITAL - TWO WEEKS LATER
Kirk: *hears his own birth and several scenes from the first movie then, wakes up*
Dr McCoy: Oh don't be such a drama queen, you were barely dead!
Kirk: ...
Spock: Captain!
Kirk: Spock, thank you for single-handedly saving my life.
Dr McCoy: Hey, Uhura and I did our part, you know?
Kirk: *ignores him and stares at Spock lovingly*
Millions of fangirls around the planet: KISS KISS KISS KISS!
JJ Abrams: Don't be silly, we'll shiptease you all for at least fourteen more movies.
Millions of fangirls around the planet: *pout*
SAN FRANCISCO - A YEAR AFTER THAT
Kirk: So, I've decided that the Federation need to chill. I'm taking the Enterprise and her crew for the five year mission you should have given me in the first place because we're explorers, not warriors so...Space: The Final Frontier, these are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. It's mission...
Dr McCoy: Crap, I just realised I'm going to spend the next five years onboard a starship.
Kirk: Come on, it's going to be so awesome!
The Audience: *agree*
THE END.