Skank and Hack: Slasher Road

Some unlikely heroes find they are a pretty good team.

[Author's Note: This story follows the collection, The Skank Tales, which ends with Skank/Beth and Jarvis leaving the Avenger mansion for a vacation. It is a crossover with the Hack/Slash genre. Darkpenn does not own Jarvis, Cassie Hack, or Vlad, but he does own Skank/Beth. Cassie's blue dress comes from a fanfic story by jinxgirl, Naughty or nice.]

"Well, Jarvis," said Beth, as they tore along the highway in the Maserati, "what did you think of the Grand Canyon?"

"It was … very nice, as large holes go," said Jarvis. "I don't suppose you would like me to tell you the specific dimensions, the geological nature, or social history?"

She laughed. "Thanks but no thanks," she said. She glanced at the digital face of Jarvis on the monitor, on the seat next to her. He was now wearing a cap saying: I saw the GC, and didn't fall in.

"R.O.T.F.L!" she cried.

"It is pleasing to hear you laugh," said Jarvis. "But do not forget that you are driving. At a speed considerably higher than is legally allowed, I believe."

"Yes, I know," said Beth. "But hey, it's Tony Stark's car. Any tickets will go to him."

"Good point," said Jarvis.

On vacation, Jarvis and Beth had been tooling around the United States for a fortnight in the 'borrowed' Maserati, usually at high speed and with the top down. Now they were drifting back towards New York and Newark, to resume their 'real' lives and responsibilities as the computer co-ordinator of the Avengers and crimefighter Skank, respectively.

"What's that up ahead?" said Beth, as she slowed the convertible.

It was a van by the side of the road, obviously broken down. There were two people sitting next to it. Actually, they didn't look like ordinary people. One was a young woman, with dark greasy hair and an expression that spoke of a bad attitude. She was wearing a dress with a blue floral pattern, although she looked as if she would be more at home in something that was black, short and said 'fuck you'. The other person was … well, Beth was not sure he was a person. He was extremely large, somewhat misshapen, and wearing something that might have been a gas-mask.

Beth stopped the Maserati next to them. "Need a lift?" she said.

"No," said the woman.

"Hurr," said the … other one.

"Okay," said Beth, as she put the Maserati into gear again.

"Of fucking course we need a lift," said the woman.

"So no-one else has offered to give you a ride?" said Beth.

"They slow down, take a look, and then run," said the woman. "Although I put on my pretty dress and everything."

"Understandable," put in Jarvis.

"Where are you going?" said Beth.

"Los Cruces, New Mexico."

"Jarvis, are we going through Los Cruces?" said Beth.

"More or less," said Jarvis. "At the rate you drive, we could get there tomorrow, assuming we stopped somewhere tonight."

"Why Los Cruces?" said Beth.

"To kill someone. Or something."

"They need killing?"

"Oh yeah."

"In that case, hop in," said Beth. She took Jarvis' monitor onto her lap and the woman got into the front seat. The big … guy … was too large to fit in the back but he could sit with his feet on the seat and his face in the wind. Didn't seem to mind.

They had transferred a big duffle bag from the van to the boot of the car. Beth didn't ask what was in it. She knew a pile of weapons when she saw one.

"I'm Beth," said Beth, as they zoomed along. "Also known as Skank. And my digital boyfriend here is Jarvis."

"Hello," said Jarvis. "Technically, I am an Artificial Intelligence, and I am not sure that I am her boyfriend. As that would make her my girlfriend. Which I am not sure is permissible for an AI. There are rules about these things."

"Hack," said the woman. "Cassie. My companion in crime is called Vlad."

"A muse and an impaler," said Jarvis.

"Hurr," said Vlad, from the back.

"I don't know what that means," said Cassie. "But thanks for the lift."

They drove for several hours and then, in the early evening, pulled into a Holiday Inn.

"We're not that flush in the cash department," said Cassie as they approached the check-in counter.

"Don't worry about it," said Beth. She produced a Platinum-Level, Triple-Diamond credit card and handed it to the desk person. "Several very expensive rooms with full bar and room service," she said. "And whatever else you have."

The desk person looked at the card, and then looked at her. He put the card into a slot in a computer on the desk.

"Mikhail Ugliovich?" he said to her, somewhat suspiciously.

"Sure am," she said. "Do a security check if you want."

The guy punched some computer keys. In a few moments, an image of Beth appeared.

"There we go," said Beth.

The guy sighed, then did the paperwork and gave them some door keys.

"Did I mention," said Beth to Cassie as they made their way to their rooms, "that Jarvis is very good with computer networks?"

"I am a computer network," said Jarvis.

"Handy," said Cassie.

"Hrr," said Vlad.

"Well, this is nicer than my usual accommodation, which is the back of the van," said Cassie. She and Beth were in the jacuzzi that came with the suite of rooms that the Russian mafia was paying for. "Hey, did you bring me here and get me naked so you could nail me? 'Cos I, you know, might be alright with that. Guess I owe you something, after all."

Beth considered. "Well, it wasn't something I was thinking about … until you mentioned it," she said. "But, no, I don't think so. Anyway, we've got boyfrends, don't we?"

"Yours is a head in a box and mine is a … well, I'm not entirely sure. Don't think he can really be classed as a boyfriend. He gave me the blue dress though, which was so sweet of him I almost puked. In a good way. He likes to watch me put it on, and I like that he likes it. That's as far as we've got, though, aside from some occasional post-combat hugs. Don't know if it can go any further."

Beth sighed. "Here's where I'm supposed to give you some profound and important female advice, I think," she said. She thought about it, then said: "I've got nothing. Sorry."

"That's alright. Say, you've got some nice scars there."

"You too."

So they spent a while comparing scars and the stories that came with them. Eventually, they got out and, in hotel robes, went into the room that was between the two bedrooms. Jarvis and Vlad were playing chess, with the board on Jarvis' screen and his face in a window in the corner.

Beth glanced at the game. "Jarvis, how many terabytes of computer power do you have again?" she said.

"He's just about to fall into my subtle trap," said Jarvis. "Any time now."

Vlad made a move.

"Oh," said Jarvis.

Vlad looked up at the two women. "Pretty," he said. "Naked under there."

"Completely," said Beth. "Nude. Undressed. Without a stitch. Nothing but a couple of tattoos."

"Yes, please distract him," said Jarvis.

"Anyway," said Beth to Cassie, "I'd like to hear more about why you're going to Los Cruces, Cassie."

In answer, Cassie pulled a sheaf of newspaper articles from the duffle bag. Beth read through the headlines. Mysterious deaths … mutilated bodies found … no clues at scene … no apparent motive … and so on.

"Not unlike Newark on a Saturday night," said Beth, as she shuffled through them.

"Slashers," said Vlad. "Nasty nasty."

"What, exactly, are Slashers?" asked Jarvis.

"As far as we know, evil assholes who have died and gone to Hell, and have come back even more evil and even more asshole-y," said Cassie.

"Hard to kill," said Vlad.

"Huh," said Beth.

"You don't seem surprised."

"Hey, not too long ago a bunch of aliens came through a hole in the sky over New York. Asshole demons is not much more of a stretch. Actually, it would explain a lot about Jersey politics."

"Aliens? In New York? Didn't catch that. Must have been a different label."

"Probably."

"Aha!" said Jarvis. He made a move.

Vlad made a move.

"Oh," said Jarvis.

"How do you know where to look for them?" said Beth.

"We usually just follow the trail of bodies," said Cassie. "Anyway, drop us in Los Cruces tomorrow and we'll take it from there. Right now, I'm going to bed. Vlad, you want to see me lose the robe?"

"Computer man, I resign," said Vlad. He stood up and followed Cassie to their room.

"Somehow, that just isn't satisfying," said Jarvis.

It was the next day. They were in the Maserati, not far from Los Cruces.

"I have been analysing the articles and other material on the Internet on the murders," said Jarvis. "I believe I have found something that might interest you. In the pattern of victims."

"Slashers don't always do patterns," said Cassie.

"Sometimes do," said Vlad.

"Hmm," said Jarvis. "I agree that the victims do not, at first glance, appear to have much in common. The amount of collateral damage, such as family members, make analysis somewhat difficult, but there are connections between certain victims. One was a supply clerk in a soap factory. Another was an employee of the local gas company. There was a junior manager of a McDonalds. There was a pharmacist, and a mechanic."

"Which adds up to what?" said Beth.

"The drug known as crystal methamphetamine," said Jarvis.

"Huh?" said Beth.

"These people would all have been able to supply at least one of the ingredients used in the manufacture of crystal meth," said Jarvis. "Sodium hydroxide, or lye, is used in making soap. Ephedrine and iodine are things that a pharmacist could supply. A mechanic would have access to the brake fluid used in the processing, and the gas company person could supply the butane."

"And the McDonald's guy?" said Beth. "Are there common elements in Big Macs and meth?"

"Possibly," said Jarvis. "But it is more likely that that person supplied anhydrous ammonia, which is often used as a refrigerant in commercial kitchens."

"All that stuff is in meth?" said Cassie. "Remind me to not use it."

"Okay," said Vlad.

"But Slashers are dead, right?" said Beth. "Hmm. Jarvis, can you access the Net and see if there were any fires or explosions in Los Cruces in the past year or so? Something that might have been a meth lab going up?"

"Certainly," said Jarvis. "Ah, here is a possibility. In the suburb of Amagrillo, an area where, if the demographic statistics are anything to go by, a meth lab would count as a thriving and acceptable enterprise. And, indeed, an explosion and fire would not necessarily stand out."

"You know," Cassie whispered to Beth, "sometimes your boyfriend sounds kind of gay."

"He's English," whispered Beth back.

"Ah, that explains it," said Cassie.

"So meth guy came back," said Vlad.

"Sounds like it," said Cassie. "And started going after his suppliers. Maybe he thought that one of the ingredients was dud and caused the explosion. Or maybe he's just going through the list of people he remembers. It's a place to start. Pretty often, these guys hang around the place where they died. So the lab site might be place to look at."

They were coming into the centre of Los Cruces – not that there was much of a centre, or much of a town. Beth pulled over and stopped.

"Thanks for the lift and the Holiday Inn thing," said Cassie, as she and Vlad got out of the Maserati. "Maybe I'll call the local cops, see if they can tell us anything. We usually try and warn them, let them know what's coming up on them, but they don't listen."

"Ah, the Cassandra Syndrome," said Jarvis.

"What?"

"In Greek mythology," said Jarvis, "Cassandra was a muse who had the power to foretell the future. Her fate was that her predictions always came true but were never believed when she made them."

"Huh," said Cassie. "That's kind of … "

"Ironic?" suggested Beth.

"Stupid," said Cassie.

"Uh-huh," said Beth. "So how will you get to Amagrillo?"

"Bus," said Vlad, as he took the weapons bag from the boot.

"O – kay," said Beth, noting that Cassie was back in black and Vlad was still wearing his gas-mask. "Well, it was a pleasure, sort of."

"Indeed," said Jarvis.

Beth shook hands with Cassie and Vlad. As she drove away, she looked in the mirror and saw them heading … somewhere.

Cassie and Vlad were standing in front of the building. It had been ripped apart by an explosion and had then burned to the ground, but it was not the worst house in the street.

"Real estate," said Vlad.

"Huh," said Cassie.

A police car pulled up beside them and a cop with a name-tag saying Sergeant Koscinzki gout out.

"You the guys that called?" he said to them. "You friends of the former owner? Or customers?"

"No, but I have a baseball bat that would like to meet him," said Cassie.

"Yeah?" said Koscinzki. "You're a bit late. This was a biker house, and the guy went up with it. Dead as a doornail. He was a nasty piece of work when he was alive, so no-one cried too much at the funeral. Actually, there wasn't a funeral, since there wasn't anything to bury."

"Don't always stay dead," said Vlad.

"Your rash of murders is probably connected to this," said Cassie.

"Can't see how, since those were all in the past few weeks and this place went up over two months ago," said Koscinzki.

"Don't always stay dead," repeated Vlad.

Beth and Jarvis had been driving for several hours, in silence.

"Anything about that strike you as odd?" said Beth eventually.

"You Americans have an expression which I believe is appropriate here," said Jarvis. "It is: 'duh'."

"Well, they seemed to be pretty experienced," said Beth. "I'm sure they can handle him."

Jarvis was quiet for a while, as he often was when he was processing information from the Net. Then he said: "Them."

"Huh?"

"Them. Since some of the murders occurred at about the same time but in different places, and the evidence suggests that there were several perpetrators in each incident, according to police records. That implies there are a number of them."

"Hold it," said Beth. "I'm pretty sure that Cassie and Vlad are expecting only one."

"I believe so," said Jarvis. "Beth, if you turn around now and drive above even your usual speed we should be able to reach Los Cruces shortly after nightfall."

There was a screech of tyres.

The darkness was gathering around the burned-out house. Cassie and Vlad were watching from an abandoned building across the road.

"Sometimes I wish these guys were more predictable," said Cassie. "Sometimes they pop up out of the ground, sometimes they're hiding in the basement, sometimes they just stagger out of the shadows."

From a distance, there was the sound of a motorbike. Not an ordinary motorbike.

"Hmm, that's new," said Cassie.

Vlad grunted. He was eating a sandwich.

A police car cruised up and stopped. A cop got out. Koscinzki. With a shotgun. He walked into the front yard of the house and looked around. Waiting.

A motorbike pulled up into the driveway of the house. A Slasher got off. He had probably been pretty putrid, in a biker way, even when he was alive. Now he was … worse. He saw Koscinzki and snarled.

Koscinzki levelled the shotgun at him. "Close enough," he said. "It's time for you to be moving on, Honch. You're attracting attention. You've got your payback, now be on your way. I don't care where you go, so long as it's not here."

The Slasher gave another snarl. He pointed at Koscinzki. "Payback … not … over," he said. "You … took money. Now … you pay back. With blood."

"Huh," whispered Cassie. "I guess one of the ingredients for meth is a dirty cop who looks the other way for cash."

Vlad gave another grunt.

Honch started to move towards Koscinzki.

"Okay," said Koscinzki. "Have it your way."

He fired. Honch staggered under the impact and went down.

Koscinzki leaned over him. "Heh," he said. "Dead again."

"Well, that's foolish," whispered Cassie.

Suddenly, Honch gave a Slasher laugh. He reached up and grabbed Koscinzki by the throat. The cop, startled, dropped the shotgun. Honch got up, still holding Koscinzki, squeezing the life out of him.

Cassie and Vlad broke from cover and ran across the road, Cassie with her KISS IT bat and Vlad with an axe.

"Hey, puko!" shouted Cassie. "Put the cop down!"

Honch turned and looked at them. He gave an evil smile. "O … kay," he said.

He threw Koscinzki down, so hard that Cassie and Vlad heard the man's neck snap.

"Not exactly what I meant," said Cassie. "Not that I, you know, particularly care." She hefted KISS IT.

"Huh," said Honch. "Just … two of you."

"And just one of you," said Cassie.

"No," said Honch.

A couple of Slashers, also once-bikers, stepped out of the burned-out house. And then a few more, from the encroaching darkness. Six of them, all up, counting Honch.

"Uh, right," said Cassie. She took a pistol from her belt. Didn't really seem much, since the Slashers had an array of chains, crowbars, and clubs. She and Vlad moved back-to-back.

"Good thing … Cassie not have the blue dress on," said Vlad. "Would get dirty."

"Very likely," said Cassie. "But it might not be the right thing to be worrying about, under the circumstances."

The Slashers had moved to surround them, and were preparing themselves for an attack.

"Come on, fuckers," said Cassie. "Let's see what you're made of."

And then there was a flash of headlights and a roaring engine. The Maserati tore into the yard. One Slasher was knocked aside, another went onto the bonnet, creating a massive dent and a smear of black fluid. Beth, now wearing her SKANK! shirt, leaned out and smashed another one with a bat.

"Huh," said Cassie. "How about that."

"How about what?" said Vlad, who had taken the opportunity to ram his axe into one of the Slashers. The blade went right through, protruding from the Slasher's back. Vlad twisted and pushed, and the blade cut the Slasher almost in two.

One of the Slashers leaped at Cassie. She put three bullets into him and as he staggered she belted him with the bat.

Thee Slashers were down, and the others ran into the darkness.

"Hi," said Skank. She got out of the car. She picked up Koscinzki's shotgun.

"Just a second," said Cassie. She proceeded to bash the skull of the Slasher she had just put down. One blow, two, three. There was a spurt of something that might have been blood.

"I think he's dead," said Skank.

The Slasher started to get up.

"Whoa," said Skank.

Vlad smashed his axe into the Slasher's neck, decapitating it. "Should be okay now," he grunted.

Cassie wiped muck from her face. She glanced at Skank. Then: "Down!"

Skank ducked as Cassie fired the rest of the pistol's clip at the Slasher that had risen up behind her. It went down.

"Huh," said Skank. She put the shotgun on the Slasher's neck and pulled the trigger.

There was the sound of three motorbikes.

"Come on!" said Cassie.

They piled into the Maserati and were off, following the noise.

"Jarvis, can you give us any help?" said Skank.

"Three bikes just passed a traffic camera a half-mile away," said Jarvis. "Heading north, going away from the city."

"If they reach the open country they'll be hard to catch," said Cassie. "Then they'll start all over again."

"Next left," said Jarvis.

Skank took the corner on two wheels and then, with a straight road in front of her, put her foot down. The traffic lights all turned green.

"Thanks for that, sweetie," she said.

"You are welcome," said Jarvis.

The Maserati was gaining on the bikes. But as they came to an intersection near the edge of town, the Slashers split up, two going one way and one going the other.

"Follow the two," said Cassie, and Skank did so.

They were gaining on the two bikes now, coming up between them.

"It's a good thing that Tony Stark likes the horsepower," muttered Skank.

"Fast," said Vlad, from his position on the back. "Good. Fast is good."

Suddenly, the two bikes slowed, intending to get behind the car. The Maserati went shooting past between them.

"Hold on," said Skank. She put the car into a jack-knife turn and in a moment they were heading back towards the two bikes, which were speeding towards them.

"I did not know that you could do that sort of thing," said Jarvis.

"Tell the truth, neither did I," said Skank.

Cassie leaned out on one side of the car with her bat and Vlad leaned out the other with his axe.

The heads of the two Slashers departed from their bodies.

"Probably no need to check those ones," said Cassie, looking back.

"Jarvis, where is the other one?" said Skank.

"Which would be Honch, the leader," said Cassie.

"Take the next left, then the second right, and then straight on," said Jarvis. "But he has a big head start, I doubt that we can catch up with him before he reaches the open country. Once he's there, finding him becomes problematic."

Cassie was wiping her baseball bat. Skank saw what was written on it.

"Classy," she said.

"I've always thought so," said Cassie.

They could see Honch now, but clearly they were not going to catch him. The overhead streetlights had petered out.

"Goddamn," said Skank.

And then, suddenly, the bike and Honch were swept up and smashed into pieces. By a freight train, roaring out of the black.

"Well, that was unexpected," said Skank.

She stopped the Maserati and the four of them got out to examine what was left of the Slasher. Which wasn't much.

They looked back at the place where the road crossed the train line. There were warning signals that had not flashed and a boom gate that had not come down.

"Huh," said Cassie.

"Good move, computer man," said Vlad.

"Jarvis, I thought you had safety protocols that prevented you from causing harm to people," said Beth.

"Which do not count regarding Slashers," said Jarvis.

Beth looked down at her superhero shirt, now even more stained and splattered than usual. "I don't know about you three," she said, "but I could use a serious drink and a hot shower. You think that Los Cruces has a Holiday Inn?"

It was the next morning. They were standing outside the hotel where they had spent the night.

"Where are you going next?" said Beth.

"North, I think," said Cassie.

"We're going east," said Beth. "Which I guess means: see you. But take this." She handed Cassie the Ugliovich credit card. "It will probably run dry at some point, but you should be able to get a new van, at least," she said. "And maybe some traveling cash."

"The security issue is handled," added Jarvis.

"Thanks," said Cassie, taking the card.

Vlad was silent, as if thinking. Then he gave a grunting laugh. "Impaler," he said. "Just got that. Hurr."

Cassie sighed. She looked at Beth and said: "Thanks for coming back. I don't think anyone has ever come back for us before."

"Sorry it took us a while," said Jarvis. "Slow processors."

Beth looked at Cassie. Then she swept her into her arms and kissed her. It was a long, hard, passionate kiss.

She let her go.

"Huh," said Cassie.

"Makes Cassie happy," said Vlad. "So good."

Beth and Jarvis watched Cassie and Vlad walk away until they were out of sight.

"Of course, there is still the large, bloody dent in the car to explain to Mr Stark," said Jarvis, as they got into the Maserati.

"Meh," said Beth.

END