Chapter Fifteen

Willow woke with a splitting headache and she buried her face into her arms. Overhead the trains continued their thunderous rumbles but it sounded as if it came from all sides and she begged it to stop. She looked over at Spike and saw he was sleeping soundly, one arm thrown across his eyes, the second wrapped around her waist but loose in sleep. Carefully she sat up and looked around for her clothes. She didn't feel any different, apart from the splitting headache. She found she was hungry for blood but she was still overwhelmed by the sense of horror at having to feed from humans. I still have my soul... The thought came as both a shock and relief to her. Yet with the relief came a wave of guilt, she had easily given in to Spike last night. She knew he had slept with her to make her lose her soul, why had she been so foolish as to let him do that? But why hadn't it worked? Maybe it takes a while...Angel didn't lose it straight away...did he? Angel...she had to find him. If she was about to lose her soul then she needed someone to help her. Stake her. Angel would do that. Even if she begged him not too she knew he would have to do it. Hurriedly she dressed. Tears stinging her eyes. Was she really this eager to walk to her death?

She stayed above ground, she could see huge crowds of people clustering around the entrances to the underground and she longed to go beneath and hunt but she forced the thought to the back of her mind. I'm so hungry, she thought feeling a knife grip her belly. She had only eaten rats the previous night and not enough to sustain her. Could vampires starve to death? A girl in stilettos stumbled against the curb and fell to her knees, Willow paused to help the girl but the smell of blood filled her nostrils and she hurried along the pavement. She was dressed in a tight pair of black jeans and a black fitted vest, the heel of her boots clipped against the pavement but she found she walked in them a lot easier than she had when she was human. When I was human. The thought twisted her heart and she blinked back tears. Angel...just find Angel. But how? London was a big place and she had no idea where he was. She had no idea if he was at the address he'd given her, and even if he was she didn't have a clue where she'd left the slip of paper.

"Willow!" She turned around at the sound of her name, for a brief moment she was afraid it was Spike but she pushed it away quickly. Why should she be afraid? She'd done nothing wrong. She wasn't his prisoner anymore, he'd killed her. He'd taken what he'd wanted from her and she was sure soon enough he would turf her out and leave her to fend for herself.

"Angel!" The older vampire grabbed her arm and gently guided her down an empty alley so they could talk privately. For a few moments they stared at each other, Willow was overcome with the urge to either hug him or slap him. She settled for the latter, mustering as much strength as she could. "You bastard!" She hissed at him continuing to hit his arms, chest and even managing a few blows to his face before he restrained her. "Why didn't you help me that night? Why didn't you take me then?" Her face had hardened into its predatory mask and she buried her face into her hands to hide it. She couldn't bare for Angel to see what she was now.

"I couldn't Willow, I wanted too...but it was too dangerous. Spike would have hunted you down, he would have brought you back to Sunnydale and slaughtered your friends in front of you. I won't have Buffy put in more danger than she already has to face. I'm sorry but I had to protect her." Willow slumped against an pile of cardboard boxes and nodded heavily. Angel pulled her hands away from her face and tilted her head up lightly so he could take in her new appearance. "You have a soul?"

"At the moment but..." She blinked back a fresh wave of tears. "I slept with Spike last night, when we realised what you'd done...I got drunk and I just wanted the pain to go away."

"Only a moment of true happiness can break the curse." Angel sat beside her and squeezed her arm gently.

"But when you and Buffy..."

"Buffy and I...she...she is my soul mate." Angel's voice was wracked with pain and guilt and Willow looked at him sadly. "To share that moment with Buffy, the most intimate moment a couple can share...the most powerful of bonds...I should have known it would break the curse." How must that feel? Willow couldn't help but wonder. To have your soul mate...but to keep back a piece of yourself. Spike certainly wasn't her soul mate, but the passion between their coupling was ecstatic and the pleasure...Willow felt her cheeks warm up as she thought about how he made her feel. What would it be like to have a soul mate but to never experience that most precious of moments? "Sex doesn't necessarily mean you will lose your soul...one true moment of happiness, do you know what would make you truly happy?"

"Going home...seeing my friends and family...Buffy..." She looked at Angel and her face relaxed to its human features. "I can never go back can I?" She asked tears slipping down her cheeks. She wiped them away quickly but they were replaced with fresh ones.

"No." Angel pulled her close and awkwardly wrapped her arms around her. "I'm sorry Willow...I didn't know what else to do."

"You didn't have to do anything...thank you...at least now I won't have to worry about Buffy killing me...or..." She trailed off and let the sentence hang in midair. "When are you going back?"

"Soon. I wanted to find you first. To make sure the spell worked. I will find you, don't worry Willow you won't be alone."

"No. She won't." Both Angel and Willow looked up simultaneously to see Spike standing in the mouth of the alley, a thunderous look on his face. "She has me." Angel stiffened beside him and Willow rested her hand against his to try and stop him from attacking Spike.

"You'll get rid of me soon," she pointed out, "I still have my soul." Spike launched himself at Angel but Willow pushed him to the side and took the blow instead. "Stop it!" She cried pulling Spike back as he turned from her to launch at Angel once more, "both of you please just stop!"

"She's living off rats because of you!" Spike seethed pulling himself free from Willow, he took her hand and gripped it tightly. Angel looked at her and she hurriedly looked down at the floor.

"Take her to a blood bank." He told Spike coldly.

"No!" Willow pulled her hand away from Spike and looked between the two horrified, "I can't drink human blood! Buffy –"

"Will not begrudge you. If it's from a bag she'll accept it more easily than she would you taking it from a person – willing or not. Don't live off rodents Willow...please trust me on this." Ignoring the seething Spike, Angel walked towards her and hugged her gently. "I promise you she won't hate you," he whispered, "and I will bring you news when I can. I promise I will look out for you." He kissed her forehead and turned to glare at Spike. "I should kill you for this," he seethed, "Buffy expects me too. She'll hate me for missing this opportunity."

"I'd like to see you try, mate." Spike puffed up his chest, within the blink of an eye Angel punched him squarely in the face, as Spike howled in pain he kicked him in the stomach and pulled a wooden stake from beneath his jacket. He placed it over Spike's heart and glared at him.

"If it wasn't for Willow I would kill you," Angel promised him in a low and dangerous voice. "But she needs you now. But if you ever harm her again, if you cause her to lose her soul I will kill you. If you do anything to upset her, I will kill you. And if you ever step near Sunnydale again, I promise you – I will kill you." The two male vampires stared at each other, their eyes full of loathing. As Angel dropped the stake he took one look at Willow, nodded goodbye to her and melted into the shadows. Willow knelt beside Spike but stayed out of reach; nervously she looked at him but couldn't bring herself to say anything.

"I'm not your soul mate." His voice sounded hurt and Willow glared at him.

"Well I'm not yours. You don't love me Spike; none of this has been about love. You kidnapped me so I would help you win back Drusilla, then you wanted to use me to make her jealous...then as a distraction! You killed me just so you wouldn't be alone whilst Drusilla went off with someone else. As soon as she comes back...you'll..." She shook her head and wished she could pick the stake up. Stake Spike and then herself. But she was too frightened. Would she go to hell? She'd not done anything but being a vampire itself was an abomination. Spike listened to her words and nodded slowly. "Are you going to get rid of me?" She tried to keep the hurt and frightened tone from her voice but it slipped in and she looked away furious with herself. She wanted to be appear nonchalant. As if she couldn't care either way.

"Of course not love," Spike sat up rubbed his face wearily. "I would of course prefer it if you were normal...the hell raising we could get up to! But if this is how you are...well...I mean if you were to accidentally discover true happiness." Willow glared at him but bit back a smile. He could try all he wanted to discover what would make her truly happy. Willow knew as long as she didn't see Buffy, or any of her friends again, then she wouldn't turn into the monster she had spent the last few years fighting against. The thought twisted her heart and she wanted to cry, how could she go without seeing them again? Without saying goodbye? But she knew she would have too. In a hundred years they would be dead...but Willow would still be around.

Angel will be there too, the thought cheered her a little. Spike may go back to Drusilla. But at least she would have Angel to help her through an eternity alone.

"Love?" Spike pressed his lips to her and pulled her to her feet. "C'mon...you heard Angelus," Spike spat his name. "You need human blood." Willow looked at him nervously, she wanted to refuse but saw it would be futile. If it came from a bag than she was harming no one. And there may come the time when she needed to be able to match Spike. Strength for strength.