I don't think I've ever managed to get myself so twisted up while writing a fic. Thank you so much to Andy for reading a gazillion versions of this and helping me untangle the mess I wrote them into.

And thank you to everyone for reading and reviewing. I hope this has made the agonizing wait for Monday just a little bit easier.

Chapter 4

"You know, we can't stay like this forever," Kate states eventually.

She doesn't want to prolong their fight, but she also doesn't want them to stagnate. She's thirty-three and she wants...she wants a life now, not one in which she's absorbed in her job, hiding behind her mom's murder. She wants to live and she wants to love and she wants all those things she wanted when she was a little girl. Before the harshness of reality stole her innocence and destroyed her dreams for the future.

She wants all of it, and she wants it with the man lying next to her. She's just not sure he wants it too.

"Why not? What's wrong with where we are?" Castle counters, confirming her fears. "Or...where we were, before..." he gestures randomly, "this?"

Kate seeks his eyes but he doesn't hold her gaze. "So you just want to go on being partners, being...us, just like this, forever?"

Castle shrugs. "If it works, why mess with it?"

"Castle, why are you so against this?" Kate protests, frustrated at his reluctance but desperate to understand where he's coming from.

He sighs heavily, creases forming on his forehead, the corners of his eyes. He looks defeated, older beyond his years, and she can't for the life of her understand why this conversation is so hard for him.

"Because every time I've wanted more, it's ended badly."

Oh.

Right.

She should have thought of that.

"Which is why you want things to stay as they are." It's not a question.

He nods.

"What if..." Kate sighs, rolls onto her side, curling in on herself beneath the sheets. "What if I don't want that?"

He turns his head, finally catches her gaze and holds it. "Then what do you want?"

She hesitates, churns the words carefully in her head before offering an answer. "I talked to my dad this morning."

Castle blinks, pulls his gaze back into focus as it locks with hers. This is a turn of conversation he wasn't expecting.

"He said..." she sniffles, reaches up to swipe at a tear. "He said that what we have is what he had with my mom."

"He...he said that?" Castle gapes, taken by surprise.

"Mmhmm."

"About us?"

She nods against the pillows, chin bumping against her curled arms.

Castle opens his mouth to speak, closes it again when no words come out, before finagling together some sort of reply. "I didn't know he felt that way."

Kate shakes her head. "Me neither. I...my parents were so happy, Castle. And I've always wanted that. But he...he told me I wouldn't find that in DC."

Understanding dawns now...her earlier questions, her change of heart...and he makes a mental note to thank Jim profusely the next time he sees him.

What we have is what he had with my mom.

Castle doesn't even know what to say to that, how to respond to Jim's assessment of their relationship. To the implications of his words. He's flattered that her father thinks that. Truly. And he's known for a long time that he loves Kate more than he's ever loved anyone. But he's not sure he's ready for all that it entails. All that she seems to want.

"So you decided to stay?" he utters eventually, deciding to dwell on her decision rather than her father's words.

Kate nods, her words pulling him from his increasingly panicked spiral of thoughts. "I want that, Castle. I just...had to make sure we were on the same page."

"You're really serious about this?" he murmurs, more to himself than to her. Because Kate Beckett is pushing their relationship forward, and it's so unexpected that it catches him off-guard.

"You're not?" she asks, horrified.

"No, no, I am..." he blurts hastily, desperate to erase any doubts. "I am, Kate. I just...what happens when I'm not enough anymore?"

"Castle..."

"Or when I..."

"Rick."

He stumbles to a halt, searching her eyes, and she can see the desperation there as he searches for reassurance.

"Everything else...that's in the past," Kate soothes, a weak attempt, but she's not used to being the one who has to find the words to piece things back together. And she's no good at this. She's not a best-selling author, and for all her expansive vocabulary, it does her no good now when she can't string the words together in the proper order.

"But I can't just...turn it off," he remarks.

"No," she agrees, understanding better than anyone how deeply the scars of the past can cut. "You can't."

"Meredith cheated," he confesses, voice soft, ashamed. "That's not something I can forget."

Kate reaches out, seeking his hand beneath the covers, and his fingers close tightly around hers. The contact is grounding and Kate draws strength from his touch.

"Castle," she murmurs, coaxes his eyes to hers again. "That's not me."

Though a few weeks ago, it wasn't far off. She understands now why he was so distrusting, why he reacted the way he did. And she certainly hasn't done anything recently to help assuage his fears.

"It's not," she presses when he doesn't speak right away, when she sees it flash in his eyes. "I...I promise you, what happened with Vaughn...it won't happen again."

He searches her eyes, finds only honesty, nods in acceptance. "You not cheating..." his voice catches on the word, "isn't a cure-all, Kate."

"I know," she agrees. "I'm just...I don't want us to fall apart either. But I can't..." her breath catches. "I can't do this alone. We have to do this together."

"I want to believe that we can," he whispers.

She squeezes his hand more tightly, reassuring. "I'm not saying right away," Kate presses, hoping to lessen the pressure. "I just...when you said you wanted us to be together in five years..."

"I do," he reiterates. Despite the spur of the moment nature of his confession, he was serious when he said it. He loves her, wants to be with her. He can't imagine his life any other way now. But he also sees no reason to rush into anything.

"So do I," she affirms. "But I don't want us to still just be..." she waves her hand between them, "this."

Castle sighs. He sees her point. He does. And he wants nothing more than to believe in their future, believe that they can move forward successfully. Wants to believe that a ring doesn't automatically mean eventual disintegration. It's not going to happen overnight, but between Jim's words and Kate's determination and the tenacity with which she's fought for them today, he can feel the first tendrils of faith wrap around him. Faith in himself, in them, in their future.

"We'll get there," he promises, feigning more confidence than he feels, but it's enough to ignite a spark of hope. Kate sees the determination steeling behind his eyes, the defeat evaporating and the fight returning, and she's not there yet, but she thinks she's succeeded in at least partially repairing what she nearly destroyed. And she's determined to fight for this. To fight for him. Her dad's words still echo in her mind and if he believes in them, really believes in them, she's not about to give this up.

It's not going to be easy, but maybe together they can find their way.

Kate allows a smile to break free as his words bolster her spirits, erase the remnants of the jumbled mess that still lies scattered across the space between them.

"I love you," Castle says earnestly, his own lips twitching up into the beginnings of a smile. "Please don't doubt that. I just...don't want to mess this up."

"Neither do I," she whispers.

Minutes pass silently, their eyes locked as inextricably as their hearts as they watch it play out across each other's features. The residual anger, the pain, the fear, the insecurity, the acceptance, the passion, the promise, the love.

At long last, Kate shifts, pushes back the covers and slides out of bed. Castle reaches for her, a huff of protest on his lips, but she silences him with a brief kiss.

"I'll be right back," she murmurs.

Castle watches her cross the room, the way she knows her way around in the semi-darkness, doesn't even have to look for the light switch in the bathroom as she flicks it on. It casts a streak of yellow-orange light across the room and he watches her silhouette gracefully move across the floor. He's missed having her here, though he didn't realize how much until now. She's so comfortable here at the loft and he loves that. Loves that she feels so at home here, that she looks so at home here.

He loves that he feels more at home when she's here.

She sorts through the pile of stuff on his dresser, extracts a pair of leggings, and it's awkward, so awkward, because her clothing should be in his closet, not on top of his bureau. Her toiletries should be in the bathroom, toothbrush lined up next to his, where it has been for the better part of the last year.

But it's her own fault, and she really can't blame him for this.

Kate pulls on the pants and slips on Castle's discarded dress shirt, tosses her pairs of shoes in the general direction of the closet. She grasps the bag of toiletries, crosses to the bathroom, is digging for her makeup remover to wipe away what remains of her eyeliner when Castle steps up behind her, wraps his arms snugly around her waist.

She pauses, hand suspended in midair, leans back into him and covers his hands with her own. Kate meets Castle's eyes in the mirror, slight redness outlining the clear blue, and she closes her eyes in shame.

"I'm so sorry," she says again, wants to repeat it over and over until the tears cease, the lightness returns.

"Kate," he whispers, lips brushing her ear.

She shakes her head, eyes still tightly clenched shut.

"Kate," he says again, slipping one hand from beneath her touch to cup her chin, tilt it up. He needs to see her face for this, needs her to see his as well. Because maybe Jim's words are overwhelming, maybe he needs to work through some things before he's ready to go ring shopping, but he needs her to know that this is what he wants.

He wants her toothbrush next to his, her clothes in his closet, her shoes all over the floor. He wants her mascara smudged on the pillow cases and her scent lingering in the sheets and her limbs tangled up with his every morning when he wakes.

He wants her, now and forever.

Kate opens her eyes, gaze locking with his in the glass, and the emotions she sees reflected back at her nearly take her breath away. This is Castle, looking more sure, more confident, than he has in a long time. Stepping out from behind the fears and insecurities bred from relationships past and taking the leap into the unknown.

This is desire and passion and fierce love.

This is the answer she's been seeking, the reason she's chosen to stay in the city.

"Kate." He breathes her name one last time, so tender and reverent, and she releases a shaky, relieved breath at his words. "Move in with me."

END