AM I HORRIBLE OR AM I HORRIBLE?

Is it fine if my excuse is that I was just too lazy?

Kate's first reaction is to throw up. But she doesn't. Instead she swallows the filth in her throat and chokes on a "What?".

"I just want to know why."

"Castle –"

"I've always thought you weren't a liar, Beckett." The Beckett stings just a little bit, strucks her heart directly into the center.

"I'm not. I'm not a liar, Castle, I do have an explanation."

"Then tell me. Do you even realize how freaking broken you've made me? I have been slowly dying from waiting, Kate. Do you think I'm crazy? Because I think I am. Nobody would wait that long for anyone, it's madness."

"Then why have you?" Kate asks him, longing to hear him say those words again. So she can say them back.

"I am not going to say it again, just to hear you deny it. I'm sick of you pushing me away."

"I can't promise I won't push you away ever again, Castle. But isn't that what you've been doing for the past few weeks?" Castle's face nears hers suddenly and he's towering over her and it's intimidating as hell, because he looks so mad that it's killing her. "What I've been doing for the past few weeks was learning how to flip the switch off. And don't you dare turn the blame on me. I wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me, yes. I admit that. But I loved you, Kate. And you have never loved me."

Kate doesn't know which fact to concentrate on: that he said 'loved', not 'love', or that he obviously thinks that she doesn't love him, that she never has.

She takes the first one, because she's selfish and not ready to say it herself yet.

"Past tense?" Kate chokes out. Rick's face falls as he heaves a sigh and closes his eyes.

"I don't know," is the only thing he mumbles and then he turns away. Kate gets scared that he's walking away from her once more, panics and almost rips the IV out of her hand when she extends it to grab one of Castle's.

"Don't – don't leave. Please."

He turns around and she sees tears streaming down the planes of his cheekbones.

Her heart breaks into pieces.

He can't stop them from falling. These tears are something he's been needing to show her, to show her how much she's hurt him, how much of his soul she's taken away from him.

And now he doesn't know if he's a coward or a brave, brave, brave man to be standing up to her like this.

"Oh God, Rick…" Kate murmurs, with an edge to her voice that makes him wary of her own state. Her eyes are full of liquid pain, her fingernails clenched tight into his palm. She looks devastated.

"Don't do that, Kate," Castle warns the woman in bed and retracts his hand. She catches it again.

"Do what?"

"Be compassionate and act like you give a damn about me. I don't want to go back there." The tears spill over her cheeks and she breathes out, "But I do, Rick. I do give a damn. I care about you more than you think."

"Well it doesn't seem like it. And what does it matter anyway? I'll always be only your friend, and I don't want to be just that."

"Then don't. Let's not be just friends, then," Kate exhales quickly, covers her mouth with her non-occupied hand.

Rick's mouth falls open and his eyes almost pop out of his head.

She couldn't have just said that, right?

He imagined that, right?

"Excuse me?"

Ohhhh no.

Oh no, Kate.

Bad, bad, bad. Shouldn't have said that…

"I mean… I mean, I don't want this partnership to end. And we have never been just friends, right?" She feels herself blush and sees on Rick's face that he knows it.

"Kate, don't…"

"Unless you… Unless you don't want to. Which I understand, because – because I know I have hurt you. More times than I can count, but that is who I am. And I swear I am trying to change. For you."

"Kate, stop. I'm not your puppet. Not anymore. I won't come running back to you when you promise me something more. I'm still hurt and I'm still angry and you're still in the freaking hospital bed."

"I don't want to stop us from being something incredible, Rick. And I know we could be."

Kate chews her lip and waits for Castle to think it over in his head.

Is he dreaming?

No, seriously, is this real? Because Kate is saying all these things that he's wished she would say for forever, but he honestly isn't sure if he's awake or asleep.

It feels like he's dreaming, but the pressure of Kate's fingertips against his hand is very much real, and her ragged breathing gives away the fact that this is 100% reality.

But he can't.

He can't dive into this now. Because she makes him confused and aching and sad and happy and desperate and she drives him absolutely crazy, but he is getting old and his heart is getting weaker and he wants something that lasts.

He wants it with her, yes.

But not like this.

Not without her explanation of what happened last summer and not just her words of hope and her offer of something more.

He wants everything with her, but he wants to hear her story first.

"I'm sorry, Kate. But I can't." He feels sick when he sees Kate's eyes cloud over and her mouth fall down from a hopeful and timid smile into a devastated frown. Rick feels the need to explain. "I mean, not – not right now. Someday. But right now, I just need some time and space." Kate looks at him warily, like she doesn't believe it.

"How much time do you need?"

"I don't know. And I don't want to stop being with you, or working with you or anything. But for right now, I just want to be friends," he tells her, then squeezes her hand and interlocks their fingers together.

"You're kind of sending me mixed signals at the moment, Castle," she says, then looks down at their linked hands. But Castle doesn't let go.

"We are going to do this slow, okay? We are going to continue to do what we've been doing, but we're going to be better at it, and this is the start."

"Are you saying that you want to do this then?"

"No. We want to do this. Partners, right? But I have one rule." Kate looks confused for a moment, but then nods her head. "Every once in a while, I am going to ask you a question. And you are going to answer it. Honestly. Without lies and without trying to get out of it. You don't. You can't. You have to answer me, otherwise this is over. I only want you to be honest and open with me. That's all."

Kate is not exactly sure if he's kidding or being serious, because she's never seen him like this before. So… eager to have this.

But then again, so is she, right?

"Okay," she answers, and lets a small smile paint across her features. Castle's face immediately slackens and his eyes soften.

"Okay," he repeats, "I'll see you tomorrow, then." He leans across Kate's torso and lightly kisses her forehead. Her heartbeat speeds up.

Castle looks at her, strokes his thumb once over her cheek, then walks out of the room, leaving his partner flailing over a lot of things.

But first…

Morphine.

SO, this story is not quite over yet. Just this part.

THERE WILL BE A SEQUEL, stay tuned, because I have plans for these two and I think you'll like it.

Okay.

I am so tired, I'm gonna go to sleep, kay, but before I do that neccessary life thing, just this: asflnasioghaiosdghlasdjgčajčl, THE FREAKING SPOILERS FOR VALKYRIE, WTF!?

Andrew Marlowe, you've done it again, man.

Ariela