This originally started when I posted a couple of reviews (they were under the name Anna Yuki, from before I joined the site) for prank ideas, but I think that story got discontinued or something, so after reading Supplemental Rules and Regulations, I decided to make my own. Now, I know list fics are banned, but apparently SRR is okay, and after mulling it over I've decided it's because it isn't just a list, there's background and explanations. As such, the format is going to be rather similar. I know I said I'd never do a multi-chapter, but this is going to be fairly disjointed, so it ought to be alright. Oh, and any reviews floating around under Anna Yuki with the name in black, not blue, are probably me. And if people reading this could suggest better titles, that would be great. I'm not the best in the naming department. Or humor actually, for that matter.
—Anna ^.^
The list was started by a frustrated Toshiro Hitsugaya, who was fed up with the stupid antics of his fellow shinigami. After asking Yamamoto for permission and long hours spent recalling ridiculous incidents of the past, copies of the first set of rules were posted at each division's barracks for all to see upon entering.
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1. Vice-Captain Kusajishi is not to hear songs from the human world. Ever.
In an uncharacteristic fit of temper, Byakuya Kuchiki nearly murdered Ikkaku when he found out he was the one who taught Yachiru "The Song That Gets on Everybody's Nerves". Unohana refused to treat his wounds.
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2. Vice-Captain Kusajishi, Vice-Captain Matsumoto, and Inoue Orihime are not to be allowed within fifty feet of a kitchen.
Yachiru and sugar were never a good mix. As for the other two, well, suffice to say that their culinary delights were fed to extremely uncooperative prisoners. The lethal-cooking duo was unstoppable when their dubious talent of making anything inedible was combined.
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3. You are not to drink while on duty unless you are willing to risk frostbite and/or the wrath of Vice-Captain Ise. That is, unless you're in the Third Division and highly emo.
Kyoraku actually went sober for two weeks after seeing Nanao take off her glasses. It was a very strange and completely terrifying period of time that was almost surreal in nature. In the end, she relented and let him drink (his alcohol intake was strictly monitored, mind you) to spare their sanity.
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4. Vice-Captain Hisagi is not to be encouraged in his butchering of the instrument known as a guitar, no matter how much it'll aid you when applying for disability benefits.
Apparently, Renji was saving up for a new pair of sunglasses and decided to sacrifice his hearing, plus that of everyone around him. Needless to say, his captain was not pleased.
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5. No one is to believe in the rumors of a ghost in the Ninth Division that shrieks in the night. For an explanation, please refer to the above rule.
Hanataro Yamada was passing by the Ninth Division barracks sometime past one in the morning when he heard what he later described as "an unearthly wail". He fled to Unohana as fast as his legs could carry him and collapsed in front of her, babbling incoherently.
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6. Nicknames. Just no.
The last person to call Hitsugaya "Shiro-chan" experienced a sudden, premature career change. I'm sure he enjoys being an icicle in the Antarctic, though.
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7. The Kurosaki Ichigo fanclub is to be disbanded immediately, and every member sent to the Fourth Division for a psychiatric evaluation.
Hitsugaya couldn't help but to be creeped out when he found out they were planning on reenacting most of his battles with a few . . . modifications. All of which had rather . . . disturbing undertones. Let's just say the general effect given was that Ichigo was bisexual.
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8. Mentioning the name Aizen Sosuke around current and former members of the Fifth Division is strictly forbidden.
It took a full forty-eight hours to wake Momo up from her state of fangirl bliss.
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9. You are not allowed to stick your zanpakuto in your chest while on duty. If you have to try to commit suicide, do it on your own time and outside the Seireitei, dammit!
Kira had taken Gin's betrayal rather . . . harshly.
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10. Shaving your head, using insane amounts of hair gel, or dying it bright orange will not increase your pain tolerance, for the Soul King's sake!
A rookie in the Eleventh Division somehow got it into his mind that imitating Ikkaku, Kenpachi, or Ichigo's hair style would give him their insane pain threshold. He soon found out otherwise at the hands of the trigger-happy baldy.
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11. You cannot get high off the scent of sakura petals.
This was the explanation of Harunobu Ogido after he called Iemura and started a conversation that resulted in the latter bursting into tears. He claimed he was standing within the vicinity of Kyoraku at the time.
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12. Closing your eyes, clasping your hands together, and praying is not an acceptable method of combat.
Ichigo jokingly demonstrated Keigo's highly effective offensive tactics to the Eleventh Division. Three days later, 90% percent of them were dead.
Of course, Kenpachi got it into his head that this was a clever scheme concocted by the carrot top to wipe out his division. Ichigo was forced to spend the next month in hiding.
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13. If you wish to celebrate the festival known as "Christmas" by performing the tradition generally called "caroling", then at least make sure you know the words. Adlibbing is not advisable, especially if the new lyrics are not suitable for children.
Rangiku got drunk off eggnog and went around singing songs such as Jingle Bells and Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Unfortunately for all those who were still up, she ended up improvising some new lines that weren't exactly rated G. It was enough to make them regret stopping Hisagi's nightly recitals and preserving their hearing. Pass the brain bleach, please!
By the way, the original reviews were posted to InkySpectacles's story Revenge and went as follows:
2/22 c4 Anna Yuki
Have Shiro-chan forge letters in Rangiku's handwriting asking various men of the Seireitei, including Hisagi, Renji, and Kira, out on dates, then send Hiyori to meet the hapless idiots by typing up a letter purporting to be from a "secret admirer" and giving her the same location and time?
2/22 c4 Anna Yuki
Record Yachiru singing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" and play it on an endless loop throughout the entire Seireitei?