Do you want to prove your loyalty to your King? Chapter 1, a merlin fanfic

Hi dear readers! This is a two-chapter fict... veeeeery angsty! For my other fict you will need to wait a bit, but I will complete that, don't worry. This is an idea that just popped out in my head, and I wanted to write it down... hope you enjoy it!

READ: If you like death ficts, you can stop at this chapter, if not, wait until my update! I do NOT like dead characters, so I will never finish a story with a main character dead!

Please reviewwwwwwwwwww!

King Arthur was sat at the Round Table in the Council Chambers with his wife and his most trusted Knights, Sirs Leon, Percival and Elyan. As usual Gwaine was late, probably again in the tavern. But he had a task, this time, an important one, damn it, why couldn't he just for once not be late?

They had a serious situation to discuss. He cringed. Merlin. His trusted, faithful, caring, gentle, magic servant. Yes, because that idiot had magic. Arthur didn't care how and when the fool had begun to study those blasted Arts, but now that wasn't a problem anymore. Of course, there was still to talk about his punishment. Arthur had decided not to kill nor banish the sorcerer, but some decisions had to be made. Magic. For eight years. Under his nose. At the thought a familiar anger began to swell in his chest. His most trusted friend … a sorcerer. Another one like Morgana. He shook his head. All magic was evil. Why had that idiot... Not that it mattered now.

Suddenly the wooden doors of the Chambers were violently opened, and Gwaine strode in the room. He was angry. Very angry. And worried. Deadly worried.

"Sir Gwaine, I hardly believe that this-"

"SHUT UP!" shouted the Knight. "YOU! FILTHY EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING… I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! BUT NO! HIS HIGHNESS HAD TO DO THINGS IN HIS ROYAL AND ARROGANT WAY, AS USUAL! YOU…."

"GWAINE!" exclaimed shocked Leon. "What the hell is the problem?"

"The problem?" hissed darkly the other. "Problem? You all are the problem. You and your arrogance and selfishness… it's your fault, you…"

"SIR GWAINE!" bellowed the King. "Sit down and tell us which the problem is."

"I don't have time to sit down! I have to go, there may still be time…"

"It's an order!" Arthur was furious now. "SIT. DOWN."

The Knight looked at his King, then fumingly moved a chair and heavily sat down, without showing neither the minimum of respect.

"Now that you have calmed down you can talk".

"Do you remember the little task you gave me? The one of this morning?" asked still enraged Gwaine.

"It was this morning. How much time did you need to sneak in, find a book and destroy it?"

"What book?" asked confused Elyan.

"Merlin's magic book" explained the King. "Surely he has one. So I asked Gwaine to go and destroy it. He doesn't need it anymore after all. Did you succeed?"

Gwaine laughed darkly. "I had to wait until Merlin went away. Yes, I found it. No, I didn't destroy it. I was a little more interested in the other one I found there…" he said, showing a thick red book.

"What is that?" asked curiously Percival.

"Merlin's diary." There were some gasps across the room, then Gwen stood up and pointed angrily her finger at the Knight. "Sir Gwaine! I hope you haven't read it! It was nothing of your business!"

"Oh, yes, I read it. Not everything, but enough to understand a lot of things more, things we would have understood even before" he addressed the King, "if you hadn't been so bigheaded and idiot…"

"Really?" asked skeptically Arthur, raising an eyebrow in a very convincing imitation of Gaius. "Like what?"

"Well" he began, flicking through the pages, "skipping all the times in which he saved your life, the one he treaded his life for yours at the Isle of the Blessed" "WHAT?!" "mumble mumble… yes, here is where you killed his love… here where you told him not to cry over his father's death…" "What the hell are you talking about?" asked a shocked King.

"We don't have times for that now, Princess…. Ah! Here it is. The last pages are really interesting. Listen carefully guys…" Then he began to read.

5thJanuary

Everybody remembered. That ha been the day when everything had changed. Almost a month ago now.

Dear Diary,

it has finally happened! Arthur knows. They all know. Well, at least Gwen and the Knights. There was another one of those sorcerers bent on revenge. He entered the Throne Room and tried to kill Arthur. As usual. And as usual I had to save his royal backside. But this time there was no way to hide my magic. So he knows. HE knows. God, I still can't believe it. I'm so relieved. Finally I don't have to hide and lie anymore. He hasn't accepted my magic yet, I mean, he didn't say anything, just that he needed to think, to be alone for a while, and asked me not to talk to anyone about my magic and what had occurred. But I'm sure he will. He's the Once and Future King after all. I'm sure tomorrow he is going to ask me more about my powers, today I didn't have the chance to explain anything. But I'm sure he is curious. He must be. And also the others. They must have a huge amount of questions for me. Well, I'll deal with that tomorrow. Now I just want to go to sleep.

Bye.

P.S. ARTHUR KNOWS! Have I already said that? It's great!

"He seems rather happy that his secret is out… " commented Percival.

"Happy and hopeful that his point of view would have been heard… " added Gwaine, glaring accusingly at a frowning King. The idiot really wanted him to kill him? And why is he so convinced that Arthur would have accepted him? It was magic…

6th January

Dear Diary,

Today didn't go exactly as I hoped. I mean, it would have been too good if they had accepted me easily, but I have lied to their faces for years. It's normal to be a little disappointed. So I expected the sad expressions on their faces, what I did not expected was the stony face of the King. His eyes didn't show any emotion, they seemed hollow. Then he spoke.

"Do you want to prove your loyalty to your King?" His voice was cold, his tone serious.

That really was a stupid question. "Of course".

"Then swear on your mother's life that you won't use magic for a week."

Merlin loved his mother, Leon thought, it had been the most reasonable choice.

For a moment I gaped, completely shocked. Did he have any idea of what was asking of me? Then I snorted, of course he didn't know. I didn't explain anything about my magic yesterday. I should have at least told him that I am a Warlock, not a Sorcerer, born with this power, that magic flows through my veins, that it is my life force. I can't survive without magic.

"WHAT?!" shouted Arthur. "Why didn't he tell us this?"

"Sire, my magic is different from other-"

"Do you want to prove your loyalty to your King?" He interrupted me with the same cold voice.

"Maybe because you didn't give him the chance?" asked sarcastically the reader. Then he continued.

I looked at him. I couldn't see understanding in his eyes, nor will of understand further. The others' expressions showed quite the same, except for Gwaine, who was pointedly looking at the floor.

Of course he was. He didn't agree with their plan, but the King had convinced the others. Magic was evil. Ha!

Of course I wanted to prove my loyalty, but that was not a reasonable way. Then I remembered that Arthur had just found out that his trusted servant had had magic for years and hadn't told him. Okay then, I thought, just one week, last time was worse.

"Last time?" mused perplexed the Queen.

"I swear on my mother's life that I won't use magic for a week" I said.

Arthur stood up from his Throne and exited the room with the others without glancing back, leaving me alone to think.

So well, now I have a week without magic. It shouldn't be so difficult. Last time I was just eight, I mean, it's not going to kill me at my age now. But in a week I will finally tell him everything. I will prove my loyalty, I will prove to him that he can trust me.

"What happened when he was eight?" asked Elyan to anyone in particular, but everybody shook their heads. They had no idea. Gwaine kept reading.

12th January

Dear Diary,

Tomorrow is the day. I'm gonna tell them all the story. It may take a while, but I'm sure they will be interested. I'm not doing too bad. I have had headaches all the evenings, and it's three days that I have a slight fever, but Gaius hasn't noticed anything, and I keep taking the medicines, so I can keep working. Because I'm still Arthur's manservant. Incredible, right? Of course, he doesn't speak to me at the moment, actually it's like I'm not even in the room, but tomorrow things will go back to normal. I'm going to bed now, I feel really weak, thank Godness today is the last day. It has not been exactly an easy week, but I will feel better tomorrow.

They all cringed ashamed, remembering what had really happened the day after. Headaches, fever… was it really because he couldn't use magic?

13th January

"Do you want to prove your loyalty to your King?"

I couldn't believe my ears when Arthur said those words again. At the beginning I thought it was a joke, that he was trying to be funny.

"Haven't you already asked me that, Sire?" I asked with a ironic smile.

Trust Merlin to make jokes at times like that, thought amused the King. The truth was that that diary was disturbing him. Listening to what his servant had been thinking wasn't really pleasant. And why hadn't he told him that he wasn't fine? Then he remembered his attitude towards the sorcerer and groaned.

His composed answer froze my veins: "Not this week".

Surely he didn't mean what I was thinking, so I waited for something else, I didn't know what, but I was sure that it couldn't be like that. The silence lasted a couple of minutes, and the only thing I could hear were my furious heartbeats. He wasn't really implying…

"Do you want to prove your loyalty to your King?"

Maybe a week wasn't enough. He needed more. Another week, I thought with a shiver.

I sighed. "I swear on my mother's life that I won't use magic for a week." What else could I say? He didn't want to listen to me, so for now I will do as he says.

Next week, though, he will hear me out. I'm sure I can cope well for another seven days; last time had been just ten, but I was a child. Now it should go better. We will see how it goes.

19th January

Dear Diary,

Things aren't going so well as I hoped. I keep taking potions and other medicines, but there is little they can do now. But I don't want to worry Gaius. He has no idea of what is going on and I can't tell him, but I'm sure that he suspects something is wrong.

Gwen was surprised. She was sure that even if Merlin had been ordered not to tell anyone, Gaius would have been an exception. Apparently, instead, the Warlock had been faithful to his word.

I live with constant headaches and the itch is getting worse. It's a really strange sensation: I'm cold, freezing actually, but I can feel my veins burning like hell, and yet I can't do anything to stop the fire. The scratches are bleeding, but I can't manage to stop, even if it's pointless.

No, thought upset Arthur. He … he hadn't noticed anything. No. He looked around and saw other shocked expressions on his friends. Leon seemed about to get sick.

My fever is getting higher and higher, and I feel weaker than ever. I go to sleep early, trying to regain my strength, but my veins keep burning, and I can't rest more than an hour before waking up sweating and shivering. Then there is the blood: sometimes I have some fits of cough that I feel like I can't breath, and when I look in the neckerchief I see red stains.

Gwen gasped, covering her mouth with her hand and fixing the red book with watery eyes. Gwaine should have felt sorry, but the truth was that they deserved it. He kept reading.

It's like a heavy rock in my chest it presses me and suffocates me and I'm not sure how long I can go on like this what if someone notices what if one of the Knights or Gaius and I'm scared God if tomorrow things don't get better I will need to find a way to make my magic go out because it hurts and burns and.

At the end everybody was horrified. They had no idea. Merlin was frantic. God… what had they done?

20th January

"Do you want to prove your loyalty to your King?"

I wanted to scream when I heard that question again. I wanted to scream and punch that prat and cry and run away all at the same time. Instead I did nothing but dejectedly repeat my oath with a voice I hope didn't waver for the pain and the tiredness.

What is he trying to achieve? Haven't I already proved what I'm willing to do for him?

Arthur covered his eyes with his hand, ashamed by his actions that had seemed so right at the time. Gwaine saw and went on, with a sick satisfaction, knowing what was about to come.

However, now there is another week and I can't go on this way. I have to get my magic out. And if I can't use spells, then I have no other choice.

I made the first cut an hour ago.

"NO!" there was a collective scream in the room. Nonononononono. Not Merlin.

I used Arthur's knife,

Arthur wanted to tell Gwaine to stop, because it was too much, just too much, he couldn't hear it. He couldn't bear to listen to the consequences of his mistakes. Because that was what it had been. A mistake. Maybe the biggest mistake of his entire life. But he couldn't bring himself to say anything, he needed to hear that, he needed to punish himself. He just wanted to go and find Merlin, and tell him that everything would have been alright, that he had been a prat and…

the one he gave me all those years ago to protect me. Well, it is doing its job. It didn't hurt so much, the fire under my skin was already clouding my mind, and for the others I didn't feel anything. I let them bleed, I let the magic pour out. Only after twenty minutes I bandaged them. Thank Godness it's winter and I wear long-sleeved shirts, if not Gaius would surely notice something. But this is just a temporary solution. I can't resist more. I am almost sure I can arrive to the end of the week, but then… I just hope next time Arthur will listen.

Arthur shivered, knowing well that that wasn't going to happen.

26th January

Dear Diary,

I'm dying.

Now Gwen was openly crying. No. Impossible. It was Merlin. It was always alright, wasn't he?

I don't know how much blood I have left in my body, but it shouldn't be much. I have needed at least six cuts a day to cope with the pain and the sickness,

All the people around the table didn't dare to lift their eyes from the floor. Why hadn't they listened? Why?!

but I can still feel that is not enough. It will never be enough. I also can not feel my magic anymore. Well, actually it still burns my blood, so much that I feel I will get mad,

Leon shivered.

but it's like if it's buried in the deepest corner of my stomach. And yet it must be the only thing keeping me alive: I can't sleep, I can't eat without throwing up, I can't either drink without feeling my lungs struggling to work properly. But I know that the same magic that is letting me survive these last few days will be also the one that will kill me at the end. It will be painful. I know it will be agony.

Arthur couldn't breath. He stood up abruptly and went to a nearby window. He tried to calm his stomach, but at the end he lost his battle and threw up his lunch. Stupid Merlin. Stupid stupid selfless Merlin. He should have knocked him out with a goblet, tied him at his Throne and forced him to listen.

But maybe there is still a chance. Maybe tomorrow Arthur will let me talk, and then this nightmare will be finally over.

27th January

There's nothing else to do.

"Do you want to prove your loyalty to your King?"

I stared at my King, the one I have sworn to protect till my last breath.

Arthur remembered: "I will be happy to be your servant till the day I die". What had he done? Which loyalty had he tested?

Almost a month and the tone of his voice when he asks me if I'm loyal to my destiny has not changed an inch. While I was there, looking tiredly at him, trying at the same time to resist the urge of grimacing in pain, I noticed that he almost seemed bored. As if I was too slow to understand what was going on. I studied his face for some minutes, and then finally realization hit me like a kick in the guts.

They had all seen it, when Merlin had understood their plan. Their cruel, so cruel, plan.

Oh.

There was no need of explanations, no need of excuses. Arthur didn't need to hear my stories, he didn't need to hear about the magic. For that was the problem. Magic.

During these last weeks he has treated me as if I was invisible. He didn't acknowledge my presence. He couldn't. Because I have magic.

Gwen sobbed.

I could have repeated my Oath again. He wasn't in a hurry, after all. I could have repeated my Oath for the next ten years. He was just waiting for me to realize. I was going to die anyway, a couple of days and my heart will stop after its last beats of torture.

No, no, surely no…

What is the difference? Maybe… I could spend those last days with him, at his side, as his friend, almost like before all this mess. Maybe he just needed loyalty. My last deed on this Earth. Do I want to prove my loyalty to my King? To Arthur?

"I swear on my mother's life that I won't use magic ever again… till the day I die".

If my death will prove to Arthur my loyalty and my friendship, then so be it.

NO!, thought the King. He had been a fool! What had he done?! What had he done!?

Arthur conceded a little smile, and I saw also the others breathed deeply, relieved, as if a great burden had just been taken off their shoulders. They didn't know. It was not their fault.

Stupid, selfless Merlin. Of course it was their fault, of course…

I smiled too. I will spend my last moments with my friends. With Arthur. And even if I couldn't ignore the painful thumps of my heart, that almost seemed to count the minutes I have left, I couldn't help but feel happier than I have ever been during the last weeks.

It was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong…

Gwaine kept reading, apparently unaffected. The last note had been written just some hours before. It was almost the end.

29th January

I have been a fool. I thought that my Oath would have changed Arthur's behavior towards me, but I was wrong.

The morning after our last confrontation, I brought him breakfast, as usual, but this time I wanted to go back to our usual teasing.

"Let's have you, lazy daisy!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, trying to disguise the whimpering of pain. It didn't matter to me. The ache didn't matter. Nothing mattered in that moment but my friend…

"I don't remember to have given you the permission to use such disrespectful manners, servant".

Arthur wanted to scream and scream and scream. What had he done?!

I couldn't believe it. No. I suddenly felt tears rolling down my cheeks. No amount of pain, not even all I have felt in the last weeks, compared to what I felt at Arthur's words. It was not enough.

He pulled brutally at his hair.

My death won't be enough.

No. He was sobbing now. To hell the great King stuff. Merlin was his best friend and was thinking that Arthur despised him…nononono…

But I have no other way to prove my loyalty. I don't have time. I have tried until now to come up with something, but I have failed.

I will die. For nothing. I will die with my best friends believing me to be a traitor.

Gwen stood up hastily and ran frantically to the doors. She opened them and bellowed to a baffled guard to go and find Merlin, to find him immediately, and to bring him to the Council Chamber.

Even now, as my blood floods from the new deep cuts I have made (this ones not only to ease the raw invisible fire),

Arthur stifled a scream with his fist.

I know that I have failed.

And yet, I don't have regrets. I have done all I could. I could have made better decisions, maybe, but this, at the end, would have happened anyway.

I wish I could have told Arthur of his great destiny, I wish I could have seen him become the greatest king the world has ever known.

The Once and Future King covered his ears, he didn't want to hear anymore. HE had failed. He had failed his fiend, the only one who had stood by him no matter what, the only one that, even after Arthur's painful betrayal, still regarded him as this great king. What had he done?!

But now it's too late.

Gaius is visiting some villages near Camelot, and won't come back for at least two days. And by then, it will be too late. But it's better this way. I do not want the person that has been like a father to me for all these years to have to watch me die. I won't remain in the castle. I will go to the forest, there I will die in peace. Nobody will hear me. Nobody will try vainly to help me. If somebody notices my absence, he will believe that I was attacked in the woods by some animal.

Even Percival was talking animatedly with the half-scared guards now. The one that went to look for Merlin was coming back, running.

But it's winter. Even now is snowing. Maybe they will find my body in weeks. Or maybe they won't find it at all. But it doesn't matter. I wish I could say goodbye to my friends, but probably it's better this way. I'm not sure I could stand Arthur's iced words for another minute without further shortening the little time I have left in this world.

Leon closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, hearing next to him the muffled sobs of his King.

I need to reach the forest, and I hope the strength I have left will be enough.

"The guards at the gates have seen Merlin heading to the woods on foot three hours ago, Sire" the guard announced.

Now I have to go.