Hello everyone!

This story came to me in my dream and even though I forgot more than half of it by the time I woke up I decided to write it anyway. We'll see how it turns out.

It takes place after the 8th volume, when Souichi and Tetsuhiro are together.

I do not own anything except my imagination. Enjoy!

The Letter

Morinaga was hospitalized due to an accident in the lab and while I was searching for clothes and necessities in his room I found a letter. It was addressed to his parents. My curiosity got the best of me and I opened it. In the envelope I found a tear-stained letter:

Dear Mom and Dad,

I don't know why I keep writing these letters when I know I'm not going to send them. I miss you. I'm sorry you didn't get a son you can be proud of. I really didn't want to embarrass you in front of the whole town. I miss you so much. The meals Mom used to make and the stern smile on Dad's face when we came home.

I have someone now. You probably don't want to know about this because the person I'm in love with is a man. But he doesn't love me. He's straight. I don't know what to do anymore. I though he at least started to accept our relationship because he didn't push me away. But it was only my convenient interpretation. He never loved me or wanted to have sex with me. He just tolerated me and I forced him into a relationship. I don't know what to do. I never wanted to hurt him. I should leave. That way he could live his life, find a girl and get married. But I can't leave. I don't want to lose somebody again. I could live with not touching him again, but never seeing him is another matter. I love him so much. He helped me find my way again. I couldn't find anything to live for until I met him. Just being near him made me so happy. But now I want more. So much more. And even though I know it's unreasonable to ask him to accept me, I want us to be lovers. But that can never happen, because he hates gay people.

I got a job offer and Senpai is mad at me because I kept it a secret. I didn't want to lie to him about it, I was just undecided. I had to think whether to even consider it or not. Because the only thing that ties us together is the university and if I left we'd drift apart. But if I stayed I could make our relationship work somehow. At least that's what I thought. Now... I think I should go. Senpai clearly doesn't want me around.

Just for a second I thought he was jealous and it made me so happy. But he was only angry. And I know I lied to him about not seeing Masaki-san anymore, but he wouldn't have let me meet him. And Masaki-san sounded desperate on the phone. I know it was wrong not telling him, but I had to go. If something were to happen to Masaki-san... I don't ever want to have someone important to me slash their wrists again. But Senpai doesn't listen... And he made our relationship sound so ugly. Like all I want is his body and sex. And the job offer too. Like I would pay his expenses if he lets me have him. But that's not true. I just wanted something to connect us. If I left the university then maybe, just maybe this could tie us together. But Senpai made it sound so ugly. He can be cruel sometimes. The way he said those things hurt. Like my feelings were insignificant, meaningless and wrong. He is a really good and kind man, but he can say things that cut through a person's heart.

And I just ran. Out of the apartment. I couldn't stay there. I wanted to be alone and cry, but I didn't want Senpai to see how much his words affected me. And the next day Senpai said he was sure I spent the night with Masaki-san. I became so angry and sad. Angry because he thought I would cheat on him just like that even though he knows how much I love him and sad because he was fine with this. But I shouldn't have expected anything else. He didn't want me, so why would he be worried.

But then why didn't he let me leave? I wanted to go away more than once and he always held me back. But why? To torture me? Maybe he enjoys watching me in pain. But then why did he kiss me after the fire? Why did he care about me? Why did he help me with my brother? Why did he wipe my tears? He makes me so confused. He makes me think that he cares about me than pushes me away.

When I broke up with Masaki-san I was devastated. I never thought I could get over it, even thought the whole relationship was a illusion. I was just a substitute, and he never loved me or dealt with me honestly. But I loved him with all my heart, and after it was over I never wanted to love again. But then Senpai came along. And now, the pain I felt before seems so insignificant. Now I want to rip my heart out and never feel anything again.

I'm tired and lonely. I wish I could be someone else. That way maybe I could find someone to love me. That's all I want. Just one person to love me for who I am. It seems I'm not lovable at all. Maybe if I was straight you would love me. Maybe if I was more serious Nii-san would love me. Maybe if I was Nii-san Masaki-san would love me. Maybe if I was a girl Senpai would love me. If I was straight maybe the people I love would accept and love me back.

Would things be better if I wasn't born? You wouldn't have to put up with a gay son, Masaki-san wouldn't have slashed his wrists and Senpai... he would have had a normal life. Maybe I should just disappear. Just die. That way things would turn out well.

I miss you and wish you were here to give me some advice. I have no one to talk to. All my friend are just friends. Not close enough to have a serious conversation with. I wish I could just go home and be loved again.

I love you.

After reading it I didn't know what to do, say, think or feel. It was a shock to know how much stuff he bottled up, but then again, I knew all about these. So why am I surprised. Why do I want to hug him and punch him at the same time? Maybe the part about him thinking about dying got to me. Or maybe just the thought of him suffering alone. I don't know. But I'm going to have a serious conversation with him about all of this.

With the letter in my hand I made my way back to the hospital. The clothes I came here for remained forgotten on the bed.

Once at the hospital, I made my way to his room but he was asleep. Maybe that's good. It gives me time to cool my head some. He was here because of gas poisoning. No need for a broken nose too.

Now what? How can I talk to him about this? Even though we are... in a relationship now, I can't be all mushy with him. And emotions aren't my thing. He would know what to say, but I...

While thinking I took the letter out of my pocket and read it again. I don't even know where to start. He's an idiot. I really want to punch him and...

"You shouldn't have read that." I heard and looked up to find him watching me and the letter in my hand. "It's not addressed to you." He didn't seem angry but there was something in his eyes. I couldn't tell what exactly.

"What is this?" I demanded, still not knowing where to start my lecture.

"It's a letter." When I shot him a glare he continued. "More like a diary. I write these letters when I'm feeling down. It helps me deal with my problems."

"Shouldn't you be talking with someone about your problems?"

"With who?" He asked with only curiosity in his eyes. "I don't really have anyone to talk with about these kind of things."

"Yes, you do. You can talk to..." I don't know what I should say here. To me? But he can't. I can't deal with my own emotions, let alone someone else's. He took my hesitancy as a sign and said.

"It's not like I could actually load all my problems on anyone."

"We still have to talk about this."

"No, we don't. Senpai, I wrote this letter after our fight. I was really upset and sad then. It's over now."

"At least know that you're not unlovable. One can't not love you. You're kind, caring, nice and loving." Why do I have to say this? It will just make him have perverted thoughts.

"Does that mean that you love me?" He asked with a hopeful smile. I knew it. But still... do I? Could it be that what I've been feeling all this time is love? Probably. But how am I supposed to tell the big idiot this?!

"...maybe." I hope that's enough for now.

Wow. I had to get this out of my system, because I couldn't study. This story just kept coming back and well... here it is. Though I'm pretty sure that the one in my dreams was much better.

I'm sorry if it's all just a rambling. After reading it I find it a silly too, but still. I had to write it.

Reviews are much appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

Hermina