A/N: Sup guys? Okay, so just as an explanation, this is a total joke. This was written as a review for Trogdor19's Pain Like Silence, which if you haven't read it, you should. But, I was vehemently urged to post the whole thing since half of it got cut off and dorks encourage dorks. So, here we have TVD: Fairytale style, with a bit of the narrator's thoughts thrown in just for good measure. Hope you get a laugh out of it. Peace and Enjoy!

(T for language)

Oh, and totally dedicated to Trogdor19 btw. Love ya!

Once upon a time, in a far-away land known as Mystic Falls, there lived a Princess.

Now, this was no ordinary Princess. She was beautiful, with skin the shades of olives and hair of mahogany, and though her breath smelled like the urine of pigs she was beloved by all, including the two fairies that roamed the land. Mistress Bonnie, the fairy of Judgment, and Mistress Caroline, the fairy of Jealousy were her two closest friends and had been since the days of her youth. Princess Elena saw it in her heart to forgive their constant treachery and to love them regardless, for that is the kind of compassionate girl that she was.

(Though the narrator thinks the Princess should tell them all to go fuck themselves, but whatever. Those bitches aren't my friends and never would be. Fuck 'em.)

The benevolence of such a lovely maid was not lost on anyone in the land, including the Brothers Salvatore. The two brothers, Stefan and Damon, were sociopathic and narcissistic sorcerers, who preyed on the blood of others and defied the laws of the fairies and God, given power through their magical rings. They had come to Mystic Falls one innocent day, and with their arrival came the upheaval of Princess Elena's whole life. For they had been followed by the evil Succubus Katherine, who wanted nothing more than to claim the brothers for her own for all of eternity.

(Please note, the narrator thinks the Succubus Katherine should have her face ripped off with a cheese grater, but that's neither here nor there.)

Princess Elena fell to the charms of Stefan Salvatore, seeing past his lies and only focusing on his green eyes, for he was a beautiful man. His magic had made him immortally young, and though he was a monster and a killer, through his love for Elena he made a vow to be good and to protect her from the evil that had trailed him into her life.

(Narrator gags.)

Not long after their young love had blossomed, Princess Elena had become acquainted with the elder brother, Damon. He too had magic that made him eternally beautiful, but his beauty surpassed Stefan's in every way, though at first it did not appear so. His eyes were the color of the clearest ocean, his hair as dark as the heart he proclaimed to the world, but Princess Elena saw the truth. He was lost and alone, abandoned by the Succubus Katherine though she would not allow him to love any other. But he did. He was enraptured by our fair Princess, and though their words were often tainted with anger, love began to silently blossom in both of their hearts.

One fateful day in the midst of the Princess and Sorcerer Stefan's courtship, the terrible and power-crazed wizard Klaus arrived and stole Stefan away! The Princess was devastated.

(The narrator was flippin' ecstatic.)

Princess Elena vowed to find her beloved and wait for him, and was comforted by none other than his brother Damon. Together, they searched all the neighboring villages for any sign of the lost Salvatore, but the only thing to be found was the evidence of his return to a life of murder. The fairies were in constant worry over their dear friend, for they feared she would look for her lost love forever and never return to the life that her parents, the King and Queen Gilbert, had wished for their daughter before their untimely death. But more than anything, they feared for the growing bond between the Princess and Damon.

(Narrator wishes it to be known that the fairies should have shut their stupid faces and have their wings ripped off for such hypocritical bullshit, but it wasn't my call.)

In the absence of Stefan, Damon had taken it upon himself to care for the Princess and her brother, the young and foolish Prince Jeremy. He guarded them from the evil that plagued their homeland and kept their minds occupied, supplying hope and a semblance of family all while keeping his promise to the Princess to bring his brother back for her.

(Narrator feels for this the Princess should have gotten on her knees and thanked him a whole, whole bunch, but she didn't and for what reason I have no earthly idea.)

One glorious day when no one was expecting it, the wizard Klaus returned with Stefan in tow. The Princess had been playing merrily with the fairies and the commoners of the village, celebrating the arrival of the coming year with games and childish festivities. Normally, Princess Elena was on constant guard under the watchful eye of Damon, but alas on this day he had been charmed by the Succubus Katherine to leave Mystic Falls and the Princess was left vulnerable.

(Narrator thinks this was really fucking stupid for him to do, but boys have dicks and are easily distracted. Morons.)

Princess Elena was taken hostage by the wizard Klaus, who had been defied by his magic and sought the Princess as a source of reconciliation to his hindrance. But with him, he had also brought along Stefan. The Princess was so relieved to see her beloved unharmed. She begged for his protection, for his devotion, to help her escape the clutches of his master, but he would not return her affections. Under the bidding of his commander he attacked and betrayed the Princess, and her heart was broken.

(The narrator laughed her ass off.)

The night was full of screams and terror, tears and pleading, and only by the grace of luck and the determination of the fairy Bonnie and Commoner Matt was the Princess allowed to survive. Klaus immediately locked her away in a tower, determined that she should live out the rest of her days under his control for her blood was the answer to all his questions and he could not allow her to roam free.

(Narrator thinks Klaus is a total asshole for this, btw.)

But the Princess did not remain locked away for long, for the Sorcerer Damon soon discovered her peril and rushed to her rescue. He battled the wizard Klaus with bravery and determination to save his forbidden love, and as he thought all hope was lost he revealed a great secret, the last weapon he had against his enemy: the name of the one with the power to destroy Klaus. He uttered the name Mikael and it was all he could do to contain his delight when the wizard Klaus immediately fled the land, leaving the Princess behind in his rush to escape.

In his haste, Klaus had also left Stefan to continue to wander freely but he was no longer the brother, the love, that the Princess Elena or Sorcerer Damon knew. He was cold and calculating, cruel to all those that had searched for him. The Princess and Damon grew closer under his spiteful eye, and clung to each other as he threatened her life and well-being out of apathy for her safety.

In time, and through many trials, the Sorcerer Stefan began to return to his old self once more. This was a cause for joy but also agony for our fair Princess, for her heart now belonged to two. She vowed to never be like the evil Succubus Katherine who had toyed with the emotions of the Salvatores, because in Katherine's refusal to choose one over the other she had inevitably and severely damaged their unbreakable bond.

(Narrator thinks the Succubus Katherine is the biggest bitch on the planet for this shit.)

The Princess still believed in her first love and wished for their reunion, but she could not abandon the pure heart and affection of his brother. She also knew that if she were to ever betroth herself to Damon, the village would be in an uproar. No one, not the fairies nor the commoners would see the nobility of all that he had done, only the debauchery of his past.

(Narrator tried to convince the Princess to give them the bird and tell them to go fuck themselves, but the hooker wouldn't listen to me.)

So in her stubbornness, Princess Elena refused to make a choice between them. She fretted and feared that her indecision would cost her both, and she was in such a state of distress that she made a terrible, terrible mistake.

Her recent days had been horror filled, Klaus resuming his attempts to end her life and the transition of one of her most loyal champions, the Knight Alaric, becoming her greatest enemy and threat had stretched her heart thin. The Prince Jeremy and Commoner Matt conspired to save the Princess, and under the cloak of night and Nyquil they whisked her into Matt's protection and he sped her from the land in haste.

The brothers Salvatore were nowhere nearby to stop the abduction, for they were each preparing for battle against the Knight Alaric. When Alaric confronted Damon, he also attacked the wizard Klaus and with a mighty roar he smote the wizard, driving the Wooden Dagger of Invincibility through his heart. Damon was devastated. He had no love for Klaus, but had recently discovered that through magic, with Klaus' death came both that of his and his brother's. They were all doomed.

He contacted the Princess Elena to tell her of his failure, to beg for her returned love before his death, but instead the Princess gave her answer in question to his brother, Stefan. She professed her affection, but that while she cared for Damon she would always love Stefan. Damon was shattered.

(The narrator was fucking pissed.)

The Princess ordered the Commoner Matt to return her to Stefan immediately so that they may spend his final minutes together, but just as they entered back into their village, crossing the bridge Wickery where her parents had met their demise, they were struck down by the Witch Rebekah, sister to Klaus and rife with grief and thirsty for revenge.

As Matt and Princess Elena slowly met their impending death through the water that cascaded in around them, stifling their cries and filling their lungs, who should arrive but Stefan! He did all he could to save the Princess but she was insistent, and she ordered him to save Matt first. Stefan loved his Princess, but he had promised to obey her wishes and he did as he was told, freeing the commoner and leaving the Princess to drown in the chariot that had captured her.

(The narrator thinks Stefan is a total fucking moron, and there's no reason that he couldn't have saved both thanks to his magic, but the ruler of the universe Julie Plec is a cunt and stupid and I didn't get to voice my opinion.)

What no one knew was that the town healer, Maid Meredith, had snuck magic into Princess Elena without revealing it to anyone, the Princess included. So as the brothers Salvatore sat vigil over their dead Princess they were shocked to discover her reawaken, brought back to life by the same magic that they possessed. She would now live forever, beautiful and immortal and blood thirsty.

For a time, all seemed to be well. The Princess adjusted to her new life, and in time came to fall into Damon's arms. It was a beautiful union, and the Princess had never been happier.

(Neither had the narrator, it was fucking sweet.)

But in a twist of fate, the magic the healer Maid Meredith had used had created a compulsion between the Princess and her beloved Damon, and she was now a slave to his will. They were horrified at the discovery.

(As was the narrator. Talk about total bullshit.)

Damon cast away the Princess, for even after all they had endured to come together he could not in good conscience continue their romance if it was against her will. The Princess Elena was heartbroken and vowed that the willingness to follow his instructions did not change her devoted love for him, but he would not be convinced. He was also persuaded by his brother Stefan that if he truly loved the Princess, he should set her free. So he did.

(Narrator thinks that Stefan should've minded his own fucking business and left them alone to get it on, but he's a jealous asshole and I wasn't allowed to talk to him because the pussy put a restraining order against me. Something about threatening him with a grapefruit spoon. Riiiight.)

Damon bade the Princess to return to her own castle and she wanted to resist, but because of the magic of the bond she could not do anything but obey. So she left, leaving the Prince Jeremy in the care of her beloved, for he had been placed into danger by Stefan in his quest for a cure to the bond that connected her to his brother.

Damon did as he vowed, and he trained the young Prince to the best of his ability until the time had finally come to begin their quest for a cure. All were given tasks, the fairy Bonnie was to travel with them, and the fairy Caroline was to stay and distract the wizard Klaus who had survived his bout with the Knight Alaric only due to the quick thinking of the fairy Bonnie, which saved them all.

(Even though the narrator is still counting the days til the bitch bites the dust. Whatever.)

The Witch Rebekah had recently aligned with Stefan, and they along with Damon and Princess Elena, Prince Jeremy and the Mysterious Shane, set out to the land which was said to contain the Cure.

The journey was long and difficult, and once they arrived their troubles intensified. The land was occupied by natives and other guardians, and tensions ran high and the threats came closer. The Prince Jeremy and fairy Bonnie were lured by the Mysterious Shane into a hidden cave, the Cave of Wonders, and after a great and heat filled argument about the use of the Cure for which they were searching, Damon abandoned the remaining troupe.

(Which the narrator thinks was really fucking dumb.)

Damon was soon captured by a guardian, and all hope was thought lost for their band had been splintered and frayed. But in the Cave of Wonders, the fairy Bonnie and Prince Jeremy had overcome the Mysterious Shane, and in their companionship they found that which they had been searching for: The Cure.

It seemed too good to be true, and it was. The Cure was in the clutches of a beast, the Incubus Silas who had laid in sleep for thousands of years. In order to obtain the Cure to save his sister, the Prince and fairy would have to re-awaken the beast. The Prince Jeremy did not want to attempt such a horrible curse on the world, so he used all the training that Damon had bestowed upon him to try and obtain the Cure, but it could not be done.

What no one knew was that their quest had another companion, a lurker in the shadows with an agenda all her own, and in a blaze of selfishness the evil Succubus Katherine sacrificed the Prince Jeremy to the beast Silas, reawakening him and stealing the Cure before she disappeared into the night.

All that could have been lost, was.

(It was seriously fucked up, and super fucking sad.)

The death of the young Prince was more than anyone could bear, and they feared for their Princess. She had suffered so greatly already, and no one knew how she would respond to the loss of her last relative, her beloved brother. It was worse than they could have imagined.

The Princess Elena refused to acknowledge his demise, convinced that magic would return him to her in time. She bade the brothers Salvatore to return his body to her castle, and in silence and defeat they did as she pleaded. The Princess ignored the signs of decay, the smell of rot, the increasingly passing time as they made their journey home that shouted that his death was final. No one could convince her otherwise, and as she had him laid in his bed she continued to spout her beliefs to anyone that dared to contradict her.

(Narrator begs you to understand, it was really gross.)

Damon was disturbed, as they all were. They were at a loss to how long such denial could last. And in the simple act of a maiden April calling on the Prince Jeremy, it seemed as though the last strain of sanity in the Princess snapped. Her grief was inconsolable, her disgust rampant, her shame and loneliness pouring out of her in screams and tears that shook the land.

(Narrator agrees, it was crazy fucking sad.)

In an act of desperation, Damon used the bond they had sought to destroy to try and help his beloved Princess, willing her to leave her humanity and heart behind and survive through emptiness. She did as commanded, and in an instant she was cold.

(Narrator was in awe, because it was fucking whack.)

The repercussions of such an act were extraordinary. The fair and benevolent Princess now reaped death and cruelty, killing who she pleased and professing her lack of love for anyone in the land: the commoners, the fairies, even the Salvatores.

(Narrator wanted to slap a bitch Princess, but yeah. Shit happens.)

When the land could no longer stomach the wrath of the once fair Princess Elena, the brothers conspired to have her detained until they could save her from herself. So in an act as quick as lightening and just as powerful, they weakened and restrained the Princess before sealing her into a dungeon.

But then, out of nowhere, a great dragon named Trogdor entered the village and laid waste to all! From her snout she breathed fire and burned castles, vowing her love for Damon and that she would make the Princess Elena suffer greatly for all that she had done to hurt him.

(The narrator thinks the dragon is a total badass.)

The dragon Trogdor was a magnificent dragon, and was blessed with a single extra arm that she used to strike down the Sorcerer Stefan and the Succubus Katherine and all that tried to return the Princess to her former self, pummeling them into oblivion.

(Narrator thinks this is the coolest thing EVER.)

Trogdor melted the locks on Elena's cell so that she could never be free, and with a great flap of her beautiful wings she whisked Damon off to the land of Tillamook, where it was filled with drunken leprechauns who whispered brilliance in her ears and the skies roamed with gargoyles that ate the stars and belched comets.

(Narrator is still trying to find a way into this magical land so she can try to convince the dragon and Damon that threesomes are awesome and something to be tried by everyone at least once.)

And here, in this land of wondrousness and free of the insanity of Mystic Falls, Damon and Trogdor lived happily ever after.

The End.

A/N: Thanks for reading!

-Goldnox